The Monster in the Closet

Background:  Many families have to bear the brunt of a mom or dad with an uncontrollable temper.  Let's face it: every family wants to appear NORMAL to the outside world.  This is normal. We put up with an enormous amount of real abuse and cover up for it to everyone we know.  We never know when the person with a terrible temper will instantly turn from a human to a raging monster.

Situation:  Ronnie was the man of the house, the father, an old-fashioned guy who expected to come home, read the newspaper, watch TV news or any and every sport that used a ball.  He was furious if anyone happened to pass between him and the TV.  He was furious if dinner was not on time.  He was furious if the children argued with each other.

Funny thing, Ronnie had the reputation at work of being very understanding and kind to his clients.  His wife, Julia, thought that what she said 'set him off.'  He blamed her for 'pushing his buttons.' It seemed that all the anger and bad feelings that Ronnie possessed was directed at Julia. She worked very hard at not only being a homemaker but also at her part-time job.  She didn't understand what she did wrong.

Julia thought that since Ronnie's supreme nastiness was directed only at her, she could 'take it' forever.  She asked Ronnie to come to counseling with her to improve things.  He was angry at that and threw back at her, " Psychiatrists are all quacks.  All they want is your money."

Julia had to try to improve their family life, hoping if she was a better person, Ronnie wouldn't be mad. She saw a psychologist (Jim) and explained the family situation.  Immediately, Jim saw the abuse and manipulation by Ronnie.  He asked, "You are sitting on a pile of s---, and you want me to get you to like it?"

Over the months to follow, Julia came to see that Ronnie was discharging his frustrations in life by his anger toward her.  This is verbal abuse.  It cuts just as deep as a physical weapon but, perhaps, is worse than physical abuse.  At least, if everyone can see your bruises or cuts, you get some sympathy.  But with verbal abuse, you alone feel the pain.

As Julia came to understand that she was not the cause of Ronnie's anger but only was a convenient target, she became stronger and able to resist and virtually ignore Ronnie's outbursts. When one person in a relationship changes, the whole relationship will change.

Lessons learned:  If you don't understand why you are in pain in a relationship, seek counseling with a psychiatric professional or your clergy.  With compassionate help, you can heal.  You must remove yourself and your children from an abusive situation.


Outcome:  As Julia grew in strength and experience to handle Ronnie's outbursts and no longer was hurt, Ronnie changed.  He then directed his venom at his own children.  He could not talk with any one of them without screaming and calling them names till they were in tears.  He still refused counseling, saying, "There's nothing wrong with me."  Julia could not tolerate the pain he was causing the children.  She divorced him after a long marriage.