Crossing the Line

What does it take for one spouse to make the final, horrible, gut-wrentching decision, "there is no hope for my marriage to be satisfying in any way; I'm finished, I will seek a divorce?"  There are so many spouses that for years and years will 'put up with' a lot of bad behavior, out-of-control temper, even drunkenness and cheating, along with so much verbal abuse.  What is it that sends them over the line, being finished with hope for any kind of peace in their relationships?

For Leanna, it was her husband accusing her of cheating and making it public.  She didn't want the children hurt any more, made fun of by their friends, so immediately filed for divorce.  Funny how he remarried rather quickly!

For Gina, it was a trip to Disney World with just her children.  She knew that not only was her marriage nearly over, she knew that when they divorced, she would seek an annulment.  Her husband, Glen, was abusive in every way except directly hitting her and that he threatened. But she hung on too long.  At Disney she saw plenty of nasty-tempered men screaming at their tired, over-stimulated children in the 95 degree Florida sun.  Then she knew her husband for what he was: an abuser of their children also. She had begged him for years to go to counseling.  Now it was too late. She decided when they returned, she would file for divorce, and she did.

For Betsy, and many, many other spouses, it was actually their children who told them to leave their husbands or wives, before they got killed!  Most gathered the strength to divorce.  I know only one woman who stayed with her drunken husband. Eventually he got 'on the wagon' and is still there. But the family paid a heavy price - extreme poverty all those years when he could barely find work - for a short time.

My young friend, Denise, knows she needs to divorce her husband, Terry, because of his never-ending temper.  Yet she has no skills and can't support herself and the children.  Sometimes she is advised to immediately go to a shelter but she has not done it yet.

For Kurt, his wife made the decision for him.  She just left him and their children and went to 'find herself.'  I don't know if she ever did.  The last I heard, she was living with a Chinese man.  Kurt has remarried a lovely woman. She's the second woman I knew that did that.

Why do so many in bad situations hang in there for way too long?  There are many reasons: women with no job skills figure that being poverty would be worse than staying with the husband.  For those living with cheating spouses, they hope the children, parents, and friends don't find out and try to maintain a face that says, "We're really happy, you know!"

But most of the reason is that they might still have a shred of hope and also a shred of love left.  They 'cross the line' to a divorce decision when the hope is gone and the love is gone also.

It takes an extreme amount of emotional energy to maintain that happy face when you're really dying inside.  If a marriage is that bad, what is happening is bad for the abuser, bad for the abused, but worse for the children who are getting custom, daily lessons in How To Abuse and How to Be the Victim.  Is staying worth it?

Dear Lord, you know there is such pain in the world, all of it caused by each other, with all of us contributing at some times.  Help us deal with this, learn, and spare our children as much pain as is possible!

Prep!

Fall is here in Lexington, Kentucky, U.S.A.!  Sometimes I consider moving to an area with only summer because, no matter how hard I try, I really hate winter and always suffer through the cold and ice, but, most of all, the bleakness, the dark.  But then comes Spring, in all its glory, and I love seeing the change of seasons.

The same feelings return in the Fall: beautiful colors, changing weather.  I hate, really find it hard, to admit that I'm looking forward to the first freeze this year.  The reason: I've worked hard in the yard this summer and look forward to a break from the sweat and mosquitoes!

Looking down my street, some of the trees' leaves have started turning red.

All my world is preparing for winter: the squirrels are scurrying up and down the trees, presumably storing acorns for the winter; birds, huge ducks, are flying south, and my friends and I are chatting about how we're finishing up in our gardens.  We've all put away the summer clothes and are wearing the warmer fall clothes. A few trees around town have turned totally yellow and while driving around today, I enjoyed lots of trees with just red tops.  There are quite a few dry, brown leaves swirling around in the wind.

Fall and Halloween decorations have replaced the seashells, lighthouses, sea birds and fishes in my living room.

Young people don't realize how us elders grew up: one never wore white clothing after Labor Day.  Nor would we wear patent leather shoes after Labor Day.  Why?  Our one pair of black patent leather shoes were made of real leather.  And in cold weather (we were told) the patent leather would crack.  No one ever tested it.  As for the 'white clothing,' I have no idea, but we wouldn't buck tradition on anything.

Pumpkins and ghosts on the kitchen table.

Today at a funeral at church (I sing in the Resurrection Choir), my friend, Catherine, whom I hadn't seen for a few weeks, inquired, "Well, Jan, have you been working on your book lately?"  Sadly, I answered, "No, I look forward to colder weather when I can."  I've also been neglecting my search on www.ancestry.com, for German relatives.

Other preparations for winter include getting the ventless gas logs serviced, having the roof inspected and several cracked places fixed, and having several pieces of rotten wood trim around my back door replaced.  What are YOU doing to get ready for winter?

If you're interested, I've done several other "Prep" blogs since July: July 19, 2014: "Ready for Anything, #1: Famine;" July 24, 2014: "Ready for Anything, #2: War;"  July 30, 2014: "Ready for Anything, #3: Mental Illness;" July 31, 2014: "Ready for Anything, #4: Poverty," and September 20, 2014: "Ready for Anything, #5: Prosperity!"

Naturally, the funeral this morning reminded me: am I ready for death?  This includes both spiritual 'Prep," and the practical things such as burial arrangements, funeral service, making a will, etc. Some of the folks in my church have already chosen the songs they would like at their funeral.  I need to think about that also.

One 'prep' for death I see neglected (and I'm guilty of this, myself!) is making plans for heirs to have quick, easy access to computer and finances in case of being incapacitated or after death.  I plan to have that information ready soon and give it to my trusted person who is my power of attorney.

This friendly Jack-O-Lantern is so old but still glows in the dark when plugged in.

Dear Lord, in Your great wisdom and creativity, you gave us wonderful Seasons!  Thank you!  Please help us enjoy ALL your seasons!

Reserve?

Certainly we wouldn't use up the last bit of gasoline in our car before heading to the service station.  The prudent person has extra of the necessities of life: food, medicine, etc.  Yet what about 'reserve' in our bodies?

Science reveals that our human bodies are extremely intricate in design, with capacities in every area that should exceed need.  We use only a percentage of our kidney function, lung capacity, and in every area.  All our our bodily systems are interdependent.  All systems and organs are meant to last a lifetime!  

This is a bit theoretical.  What I'm reaching for is an understanding that we need to make sure we will always have the "reserve," the extra capacity, in every part of our bodies.  We need to strive to not just do the minimum - in anything, we need to push ourselves a bit more to develop the extra strength.

Since I am a retired dialysis nurse, a Certified Nephrology Nurse, I can speak about kidneys, as you who have read this blog before know.  We have so much extra kidney function that we don't use, even having TWO kidneys!  That function gradually declines, with age, yet our kidneys should last as long as the rest of our bodies, if we take care of them!  This is true for your heart, brain, stomach - every part of us!

We can keep this reserve bodily function simply if we perform the health habits we know will work, those that are recommended by physicians: exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, DON'T SMOKE!!!, take medicine as prescribed by your physician, don't take herbal supplements unless prescribed by your physician, get good sleep.  When I was studying nursing years ago, we addressed every bodily system.  After studying most of them I noticed: in every area, there were two things that wreaked havoc with your body: smoking and birth control pills.

By the way, smoking not only causes cancer, it gradually kills your kidneys and every part of you.  (My favorite nephrologist colleague said that he thinks nurses smoke too much and dialysis nurses smoke the most.  Go figure!)

Recently I met an avid exerciser.  This lovely young woman was what is called "morbidly obese."  She exercised regularly but ate too much and was unable to lose weight.  She reported, "my doctor told me to take ibuprofen for back pain.  Sometimes I take a lot more than he says, but it really helps."  I responded, "Then you might soon be my patient if I still worked in dialysis.  Never take more than what your doctor recommends.  Over-use of over-the-counter analgesics (non-prescribed pain killers) may lead to kidney failure!!"  I believe she understood what I was trying to tell her. I had a patient with combined liver-kidney failure who was only eight years old!!

What about "reserve" mental capacity?  Do we allow ourselves to be over-stressed?  We need to arrange our lives to have time to de-stress.  This is not always easy but it is "do-able."

What about "reserve" spiritual capacity?  Do we have faith in God that we can always count on?  Do we practice our faith?  This is our greatest strength, what 'powers' the other aspects of our lives!  It's worth thinking about what we can do to strengthen our spiritual muscles!

Dear Lord, on this day, Sunday, Your day, I give thanks for worshiping at church with my community, and having fun with family and friends.  Please lead me to start out a new week full of energy to do the work You lead me to do!

Waste Not. . .

If you're among the not-so-young, you can readily finish the phrase, "Waste not, want not."  I love all the old folks' wise sayings!  Last night, my friend, Peggy, and I watched 3 episodes of "Bomb Girls," a British TV series about the women of England who worked in factories making bombs during the Second World War. As we watched the tremendous sacrifices of those living during the War, Peggy was reminded of a saying her mother had repeatedly advised, "What you waste today, you'll want tomorrow."  Same thing.

Then we considered how some of our family and friends, in our opinion, waste and waste, to the limits of their incomes.  Let's go back in time a bit.  When Peggy and I were in our growing-up years, the entire culture of raising children was entirely opposite from what it is now. Children were to be "seen and not heard."  In other words, children were NOT the center of attention, children needed to be observing adults so they could learn.

To continue, children in marriage were expected and loved, but never put on a pedestal above one's marriage.  The marriage was primary.  After children grew up, they were expected to leave home and get married and have more children. Then the wife and husband could enjoy their later years expecting to see lots of grandchildren.

Also, back then, the husband was the primary and ONLY wage-earner.  Wives took great pride in stretching their husbands' incomes.  That meant that, no matter what job the husband held, parents could feed the family, put a roof over their family's heads, and clothe the family.  Life was much easier, considering everyone knew the expected roles.

In making one income cover all basic needs, both parents had to be extremely thrifty.  All the women cooked 'from scratch,' and most sewed most of the families' clothing.  Gifts, when they were given, were never extravagant.  But gifts were very, very much appreciated.  If you ever had the opportunity to listen to a senior citizen talk about life during the depression (or read about it), you would know the sacrifices that had to be made.  But sacrifices were made with love.

What Peggy and I see in young families today is that, in the majority of families, both parents are wearing themselves out working at jobs to get money and putting themselves in great debt, making sure their children have the BEST of EVERYTHING, even though they, themselves didn't have the BEST, perhaps because they didn't have the best.

I will say this plainly: most of today's children are spoiled rotten, through and through!  When you see that nearly every child has an expensive iPhone, their own computers, tablets, TVs and music systems in their own private rooms, you would have to agree: they're spoiled!  When you see that nearly every child has so many toys that their parents have to give some of them away to make room for new ones, you would have to agree: they're spoiled!  When you see that nearly every child and their parents take multiple out-of-town vacations every year, no doubt, they're spoiled.

Look at the young people involved with drugs, alcohol, and sex.  Why is there such an epidemic of this, new "expected behavior?"  One reason is that they're bored with 'things!' - too many things!  Young people these days are having an extremely difficult time committing to anything and everything.  They can't even decide on a college major, most of them.  Too many "choices!"

Looking back, my life had problems, just like everyone else's, but I was determined to NEVER spoil my children.  They grew up knowing, "We can give you everything you NEED, but if you want more expensive stuff, GET A JOB!  And they did.  My dad had told me, "I can give you all of what you need and some of what you want."

My children also were brought up with college expectations: go to U.K. (University of Kentucky, the state college) or get your own scholarship.  The boys went into the Navy and the girls went to U.K. except for one that got a scholarship to Boston University.  I think it's really nice of some of my friends to take their high schoolers around the country looking at the college their children would prefer (no matter the cost!), but hate to see them go horribly in debt.  My own feeling is that, the more you go into debt, the less your child will appreciate it!  Daddy told me, "I could pay for your college, but you'll appreciate it more if you pay, too.  So, I'll pay for half and you pay for half."  It worked.

So, consider for yourself: what wise 'sayings' do you repeatedly tell your children?  Will they pass down these sayings and habits to their own children?

Dear Lord, thank you for our wise elders, thank you for their generosity, for their sacrifices.  May we learn and do the same, with your help!

Home Invasions!

Today we celebrated one of our 'church lady' friend's birthdays at lunch.  It's always fun to surprise a friend with a small present and mini-cake with a candle.  Meg was quite pleased!

Non-stop chatting with friends always involves asking how each other's various family members are getting along.  We know most of the family members.  Mary Beth mentioned that recently she has had three acquaintances whose marriages have ended over the excessive and inappropriate internet usage of their spouses.

Mary Beth analyzed that a person would never know with whom their spouse might be 'chatting' online.  "It's like there's this person you don't know in your kitchen.  Would you invite a stranger into your kitchen?"

Just as there are no perfect people among us, there are no perfect marriages.  Every single one of our marriages is vulnerable to outside temptations, EVERY ONE!  In fact, we also are vulnerable to outside temptations! The evil one, the devil, never gives up trying to lead us astray.  "It" knows where we are weakest, and always tries to make evil look good to us.

Are you lonely?  Meet someone online.  They will sympathize with you.  You can cry on their electronic shoulder.  Maybe you will get to know them so well you will want to meet them in person. They certainly will wholeheartedly agree with you that your spouse is a true jerk (oh, dear, you DID exaggerate a bit about his or her bad qualities, didn't you?). Gee, they may live a thousand miles away.  Would you send them money so they can come see you?  Would you spend money and use your well-deserved vacation to visit them?  Gee, well, they might tell you that the beautiful photo they downloaded to you, well, wasn't actually their own photo, well, it was their sister or their friend or really them - twenty years ago.

Anyone can easily get a Facebook or other chat room accounts using any name.  Personally I knew three high school girls who chatted with this really nice guy just several years older than them, or so they thought.  He wanted to meet them in person, even though they didn't live in the same town. They're weren't too sure about doing that, waited longer than he wanted to respond and he started stalking them!  After a couple of months of being afraid, one of them told a parent.  Turns out, the creep was a lot older than them and HAD PREVIOUSLY SPENT JAIL TIME FOR STALKING!  The end result was that the girls' parents got together, told the police, hired an attorney, and the stalker is now in jail for that crime at this very moment.

It doesn't matter how responsible you think your children are, nor how old they are.  They are immature.  Do not let them have Facebook accounts or internet unless you're in the same room with them.  Sure, you want them to fit in with their friends.  You want them to be able to communicate with you if they're in trouble.  Get them a phone that's only a phone, not a fancy one with internet.  Better your children feel a little bit like 'nerds' than a victim of a stalker, as the girls above almost were!!!

This blog reported "Divorce Causes, #1: FACEBOOK!" on January 13, 2014.  I'll repeat a really important paragraph from it. "You know what they say, "play with fire and you WILL GET BURNED!!  Online 'flirting' by those in committed relationships is even more dangerous, sinister, and positively evil than in-person flirting because: 1) the Instant Nature of this type of communications: you hit that 'enter' key and the whole world knows what's going on in your life,  2)
 the Impersonal Nature  of Facebook: regardless of the name, you are NOT face-to-face, all sorts of misrepresentation - lying - can and does go on, and 3) the Consequences of this flirting risk are just as bad as any cheating: ripped-apart families, fatherless or motherless children, poverty, PURE PAIN!!"

Then there are the 'gamers,' those who play endless hours of online games, trying to improve their 'scores.'  Is this harmless?  Not if it takes precious time away from your family, time away from those who love you!  Don't get caught up in the poisonous spider web of 'gaming!'

Look out for signs of excessive and inappropriate internet use in your own family.  Don't let it progress to an unbearable situation where divorce is the apparent answer.  Talk to your spouse directly.  Go to counseling.  It's worth trying to fix a sad situation!

Dear Lord, you know we ask your help daily, here we are again.  The Internet which you have allowed us to invent can be put to good uses.  Help us use all our 'stuff' for wholesome ends.  Thank you, once again!

Mud, #3: Financial

A woman in my Bible study class this morning asked the rest of us, "Do you think it's a sin that several of my children are living together without being married?"  We gave her our thoughts, trying to comfort her, and I was reminded of my blog on June 5, 2014: "Mud, #2: Sexual."  My opinion is that the young people (or folks of any age) don't deliberately "sin," that a serious sin is a conscious, deliberate choice to do an action knowing it is wrong. The young people live in a culture that daily, 24/7, bombards them with evidence that not only does "everybody" live together before marriage, but that "it is the right thing to do."   After all, a young woman once told me, "I want to know if the guy snores, doesn't pick up his dirty clothes, has lots of bad habits."

This blog on May 19, 2014 focused on "Mud, #1: Wants."  This explored how the advertisers of our products have morphed "wants" into "needs."  The atmosphere of our culture tells us that we must satisfy our every want!

Today I'd like to propose that we ALL live in a culture of "financial MUD," in other words, we constantly get messages that we should get whatever we want, however much we owe is irrelevant.  We can hardly venture through the streets of any business district without passing many lending institutions. They will give us advances on our paychecks.  Loan institutions are everywhere.  How many credit card applications have you received in the mail or online in the last month?  TV ads are relentless!  What's in your wallet?

It's very hard to not be affected by all the credit available.  So many bankruptcies, so many home foreclosures!  Every one tells of a family devastated by buying too much, living beyond their means.  I'm not pointing my finger at you, if you are in this situation, I've had to climb out of it several times myself.  It's not easy to hope no one gets sick or nothing goes wrong with the car knowing you'll be in trouble trying to pay your bills.

My dear brother, Steve, may he rest in peace, was doing well financially, had a great job, got way in debt on a new house, but did fine until he got sick and was diagnosed with leukemia. Steve lost his job, lost his medical benefits, and applied for his V.A. benefits.  It was one year before he was able to see a V.A. doctor.  Meanwhile, he was hospitalized, at his own expense, several times for six weeks each time, and had loans for over $100,000 for medical bills.

I must praise Steve's bank in Wisconsin.  They did not immediately foreclose on Steve's house.  Some of us family paid some of his house payments but this was too much for all of us. Steve died after fighting leukemia for 2 1/2 years.  He was able to stay in the house till his death.  Then his widow, Pam, may she rest in peace, was able to stay there for four more months, selling everything she could of their possessions, then moving into a trailer on welfare just before the bank auctioned the house and lot.  How tragic!

Years ago, one of my bosses lost her job because she wrote two bad checks for things her sons wanted.  She also lost her fine house.  Over the years, I've known many a family who can't say, "NO!" to their children for anything.

If we're aware of this financial MUD, the rotten culture of buy, buy, buy that we live in, perhaps we can convince ourselves to live within our means!

Dear Lord, help us be reasonable, live simply, and not give in to pressures from our culture or our families to buy what we can't afford!

Negotiating Compatibility, #7: Church

Of all the items about which a new couple needs to agree, "Church" is critical.  We all come to relationships with an idea of our wants and needs in every area.  Our expectations of how the other person is supposed to behave also play a part in this.  If both parties are either 'hot' or 'cold' about religion, there seems to be no problem.  'Hot' means that a person is very committed to a particular religion, a way to worship, and the amount of daily or weekly time and resources given to church attendance.  'Cold' means that both members really don't care about any religious practices.  You often hear them say, "Well, I believe in God, but I can pray to him anywhere, in a field, etc."

The real problem comes, sooner or later, if one person loves church attendance, has a lot of church friends, goes to services once or twice or week or more frequently, and even may enjoy "holy reminders" (pictures, statues, candles, etc.) around the house, and the other person sees absolutely no importance in all this.

You could have a friendship with a person who differs significantly with your views but attempting a marriage would make your life difficult!  I've heard so very many people say, "I love my wife (or husband) but she never will come to church with me and I feel so lonely!"  Such a person may try to actively 'convert' their husband or wife to the religion which they so treasure.  This also may cause problems untold!

Here again, the answer is simple.  First, you have to know your own mind.  What is really important to you?  Before a commitment, you MUST find out the other person's practices and preferences.  Hopping into marriage without an understanding of this and other critical areas is immature and foolish!  Love does NOT cure all ills!  You can never ASSUME what the other person feels unless you ask!

Religion and church attendance is an area that you can't love a person into doing nor can you guilt a person into doing, your way.

Another serious problem happens if both persons have a good understanding about religion before marriage and then one of them joins a different religion, or perhaps a religion for the first time. It won't take long for fireworks to start!

Years ago, my friend, Jen, and her husband, Clayton, felt no need to go to church, ever.  Neither had been raised going to church and they didn't see why they should start.  They had several lovely children and Jen met her nice neighbors.  Then Jen felt 'called' to their church and started attending several times a week.  This absolutely enraged Clayton.  He told her, "You better stop this - now!"

Jen felt she needed to go to church, to worship the Lord. And she took their children.  Clayton did everything he could to stop her, including locking her in the house at times.  You can imagine: this marriage didn't last long.  One day, when Jen and the children were locked in the bedroom, she called the police, climbed out a window to escape Clayton, and went to a 'safe' house for abused women.  Several years later, Jen met and married a nice gentleman who attended her church.

Dear Lord, in our quest for satisfying relationships, lead us to worship you wholeheartedly, without reserve!  Lead us to find people who believe what we believe!

Raining!

One of my lovely young friends will be a bridesmaid in yet another wedding of her friends.  Susanna is planning a Bridal Shower, a party, for the new bride, Adrienne.  Susanna is having great fun planning decorations, food, and invitations.  Adrienne has given her a list of around 40 of her 'closest friends' to invite.

Yet, amidst these wonderful plans is a big aggravation: Susanna has no idea of how many ladies will actually show up for the party, how many for which to have food ready.  She put "Please RSVP" on the invitations.  "RSVP" stands for an old French phrase, "respondez, s'il vous plais," which means, "respond (get back to me!!!), if you please."  Do you think that folks know what this means and ignore it or, do they have no idea of its' meaning and are not curious enough to try to find out?

Now what could be easier than picking up the phone or e-mailing the hostess!!!?  Yet Susanna has heard from only 5 of those invited, those she personally knew who she encountered in the grocery or gym.  What about the rest?

Susanna is young but "old school," like me.  We feel that courtesy and manners are important.   This includes replying to invitations, sending personal written thank-you notes for gifts, among other social niceties.  Rudeness is uncivilized!!

So what does Susanna intend to do about her shower?  She says, "Well, I'll plan for about 20 to come.  I just don't have the time to phone all those who didn't respond."  Good luck, Susanna, let us know how many show up!

Dear Lord, are we too formal? Or, are common courtesies a way of expressing our caring?  And what will we do when You, Lord, gently invite us to come to You in prayer?

Why Revenge?

There are so many people hurting in this world, and, at times, we are in their number.  Sometimes we are bitterly hurt, hurt so badly we are knocked off balance.  Most of the time, we want to fight back!  But do we?  Do we fight to protect ourselves and those we love or, do we fight on to hurt the person even more than we are hurt?  The second kind of fighting is called, "revenge."

It is common for newly divorced couples to battle, to want to hurt the other person who has so wronged them.  A good friend of mine, Jolinda, Joey, for short, is going through this same situation right now.  Her husband, Bradley, remarried within weeks of their divorce.  He had no intention of paying his share for his children's support.  He used all the children to try to hurt his ex-wife.

Bradley really had been a horrible father, hardly ever going to any of the children's activities, never spending time with them. But at the same time, he had such a horrible temper, the whole family avoided him.  Funny how Bradley and the new wife have bought a new house, new car, and Bradley doesn't want to pay his court-mandated share of his children's care!

Bradley had insisted on having a provision written in the divorce settlement stating that if either one of them disagreed with the arrangement, they would have to pay the lawyers and court fees.  Bradley is regretting that!  Since he is arrears with his payments for child support, in addition to paying what is owed, now Bradley has lawyer and court fees!

Yet what else can Joey do but drag him back to court and attempt to get what she needs to take care of the children?  At first, even though he wanted nothing to do with his first family, Bradley would pick them up, take them to his apartment, and leave them there while he worked.  That's a 'no-no!'  You can't leave children unattended!

Joey says, "My bank balance is way in the negative now."

One time, on Bradley's 'weekend' with the children, one of them got sick.  The little fella asked Bradley to take him to the doctor.  Bradley said, "No, I don't think you're sick.  You're just faking it."  The little fella texted Joey, "Mama, I feel so bad." She immediately came and got him and took him to the doctor.  The child had a fever and chest congestion.

Now Bradley doesn't pick up the kids much more on his 'weekends.'  The end result is that he will have to pay more child support!  Bradley whines to Joey, "Me and (new wife) just bought a house and car.  We can't afford to pay you." Looks like Bradley will have to be working overtime now.

Joey sadly reports that this doesn't make her mad, that he killed her love for him many years ago.  She says, "My lawyer said I should have tried to get half of his pension, that I was due that. I don't want to touch that.  He just needs to pay for the children now, as they're growing up, and half the house payments so we have a place to live."

What does the Bible say about "revenge?"  "Vengeance is mine, said the Lord."   Think about that: if God requires justice for all wrong-doing, that would be quite enough for the evil-doer to handle!"  I agree with Joey: just take what you need for the children and don't try to hurt him back!  Let the Lord in Heaven take care of him!  Justice will be done!

Dear Lord, let us delve into Your Book, the Bible, and learn Your Wisdom!  We cannot do this enough!  Your Book is the Book of Love, teaching us how to love each other.

Family Practice

Did your mom or dad help you say your 'night prayers' when you went to bed as a child?  If so, you were SO blessed!  It's a wonderful time for a parent to know what the child is thankful for or is anxious about, and also a good time to say, "I love you!" and "Goodnight!"  What about your own children, if you have any, are they blessed to have you say night prayers with them every night? 

What about prayers before meals?  Both with my mom, dad, and brothers, and then with my own children, we never failed to say, "Bless us, O, Lord, for these thy gifts. . ."  If you only say prayers at these two times, regularly, that is the very least we can do for our children to hopefully help develop their own prayer lives.

Some families also say a prayer of thanks after meals.  Mom and dad didn't think of this, nor did I.  But I wish I had developed this simple practice.  One thing my mom did do was to light a candle at home and pray a special prayer for my success if I had something really important going on, such as a test at school or try-out for something special.  She'd say, "I'll light a candle and pray for you."  I've done this at times with family or friends.

Prayer is the POWER OF THE UNIVERSE!  Nothing or no one is more important or more powerful than God!  Remember what Jesus said as related in the Bible, Matthew 18: 19-20, that if two or three "are gathered in my name, I'm in the midst of them?"  Jesus often prayed to His Father at many times.  Prayer is simple communication with God, like just chatting with a friend.

It helps to memorize certain prayers of your religion as a child.  These will serve a person well, for a lifetime!  It is the responsibility of both parents to teach prayers to their children.  Like you, you want your children to meet God after death, and God says, "Hi, I know you, come on in! (to heaven forever!)"

Prayers are also good when spontaneous, at odd times, such as praying for safety when beginning a trip, praying for the safety of the sick person in a passing ambulance, praying for a sick relative or friend to recover, praying for a promotion, praying for a job, prayers for sorrow after a person's death, prayers of thanksgiving, etc.

Once, on a blistering hot day on a trip, I was tired but thought I could go up just one more steep stairway.  Before I reached the top, I thought I might faint and sat down.  My atheist companion was so worried and cried out, "God, help her!"  It worked!  After a few minutes in the shade, I felt cooler and stronger, and proceeded.

You will never regret any prayer to God and you especially you won't regret teaching your children how to pray and praying with them regularly!  I promise!!

Dear Lord, it is quite interesting that the more I pray to you, the more I want to pray to you!  More than that, it also gives me focus and energy!   Thank you for my parents teaching me how to pray, and for Your Church now, that I may pray with family and friends.

Ready for Anything, #5: Prosperity!

Recently I had occasion to answer a lengthy questionnaire on attitudes.  Some of the questions asked if you ever felt hopeless (yes or no answers), if you feel everyone you know has got more out of life, if you feel positive about the future, etc.  I always answer in the most positive way I can, because that's the way I feel.  I asked the young woman who interviewed me, "Do some people answer in a negative, hopeless way?"  She immediately replied, "Oh, yes."

Although I certainly have had my share of 'ups' and 'downs,' that's just part of life.  I guess your attitude depends on your perception of what you have versus what you want; what you think you're entitled to and what you have, and also, probably, the state of your health.  The happiest people manage to be fairly content with what they have instead of what they think they could or should have.

One thing about happiness and unhappiness: it always shows!  You can't very well hide your state of being.  It radiates to everyone you encounter.  But - YOU create this happiness or unhappiness YOURSELF!!  If you don't like the situation you're in, change it!  We have the world by its tail, so to speak, whenever we mature enough to know that we cannot change anyone other than ourselves!  That is very empowering!  And, if we change ourselves, everyone around us WILL CHANGE in some manner.

We in America, in 2014, are so, so fortunate!  To be sure, there are plenty of things that are upsetting in the world.  But another mature thought is that it is unproductive to worry about things we cannot change. There are so very, very many folks suffering from high anxiety.  Yesterday on TV I heard a psychologist say that out of the millions who have high anxiety, "only about 30% seek treatment. This is a very treatable condition."  So, why suffer?

Really, right now we in America live much better than all the kings and queens of the world lived, for all times.  Our medical care is the main reason: it may be expensive, but we won't die of simple infections.  And we have painkillers!!  Can you imagine getting a tooth pulled or skin cancer cut out or amputation with no painkilling medicine!   What agony!   No, we can't order dozens of servants around, send armies into battle or count our gold: so what!  We can LIVE!

Have you ever had to worry about not having a place to stay for the night?  Yes, we have homeless, but there are even shelters for them.  Have you ever had to worry about where your next meal would come from?  We never have to stand in a long line for a bowl of weak soup.

We can complain about the government, but at least it is the government we voted for!  If we don't like it, we can VOTE to change it!  

Yes, all in all, I feel quite prosperous.  How about you?  Can we enjoy our prosperity?

Lord, today we thank you for living in a free country, having a place to stay and food to eat.  We thank you for being able to plan our lives, to change directions when we need to do so.  God bless America!

Overcoming Fears!

I did it, at last, one week ago, I got an iPhone!!  It has been SO fun learning to use it!  For now, I can make a phone call and answer one, text messages and answer them, hook up to my home wi-fi then use the internet, charge it when it needs charging, talk to Siri (or is it Ciri?) to answer simple questions, take a photo, use the GPS, and get an ap. 

In this blog last August 19th, one of my objections to getting an iPhone was that I didn't want to 'stretch my brain' to learn the new technology.  I envisioned learning iPhone use would be similar to learning how to use the internet, which has always been a frustrating, hair-pulling task for me.  IF you know how to surf the net, iPhone use is super-easy!  I was surprised at how easy it is to use.  I haven't overwhelmed myself with trying to use everything at once.  My daughters have been an immense help!

Earlier, I tried using my daughters' phones to text a time or two and felt like my fingers were wooden.  I just couldn't get the hang of it and made so many mistakes.  "Why text - it takes too long" was my objection.  If you turn the phone sideways, the keyboard is larger.  I can just sail on it!

So far I've entered in all my contacts.  Sure, it took a while, but it's so much easier to get to the contact list and touch the phone icon to call someone!

The one and only 'ap' I got was free, "laudate."  It has lots of prayers, articles about the Saint of the Day, etc.  I know it will be very useful.

Another one of my objections was that "I don't want to be like everyone else" and seemingly play with the phone at all times.  Well, really, everyone doesn't.  As far as I'm concerned, the only emergency when I will immediately look at and answer all calls and texts is when one of my daughters is in labor and I need to know how she's doing!

I've received only one text while driving.  I just didn't look at it.  I don't want to start a bad, very dangerous habit.

I thought it would be much too expensive but it's actually less than I thought to afford this.  Plus, I'll soon drop my land line and old-fashioned cell phone which will give me a few more dollars per month.

What a surprise: I'm actually hearing from a lot more of my family and friends since I can text!  It seems everyone likes little messages.  Most of the time, that's all you need.  Plus, the iPhone is so pretty!  Please, encourage those you know who don't have one to give it a try!

Dear Lord, thank You for at last giving me the courage to enter the real world of today!

Spouse Quality, #5: Work Ethic: Too Much? Too Little?

Today's travel blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com, told of my trip to visit relatives with my daughter, Marie.  She will soon serve as a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding.  That led to me thinking what qualities in a spouse will make a lasting marriage a probability instead of a possibility.

So far, this blog has explored the following topics as contributing to lasting marriages:
Spouse Quality, #1: Integrity, "Finders Keepers," 11/30/13.
   #2: Kindness, "The Outsider," 12-2-13.
   #3: Generosity, "The Stingiest Man," 12-3-13.
   #4: Cleanliness, 4-17-14.

The topic Work Ethic was previously addressed in this blog on 9-10-13, "Baggage #1: Work Ethic."  What is important in a marriage as far as "Work Ethic" is concerned, is the amount of time each spouse plans on working outside the home and inside the home. A marriage will be more satisfying if both the spouses agree on this.

The reality in America is that, with rare exceptions, the husband works outside the home to earn a living for the family.  Historically, men always earned more money than women, even for the same job.  There is still a gap in this earning power.  In 2014 America, 74% of women work outside the home.  This percentage has remained stable for the past 25 years.

Some folks think that all able-bodied women should work outside the home, and, moreoever, all women should want to work outside the home.  So, then, why do 26% of American women choose to stay home and not get a paying job outside the home?  The chief reasons are the increasing cost of child care and that the Family Medical Leave Act for paid medical leave after childbirth only covers 58% of families.

Personally, I feel that nearly ALL women would be better off and the families would be better off, IF THE WOMEN TOOK FULL-TIME CARE OF CHILDREN AND HOME. But I don't want to debate or explore the pros and cons of this issue today.  I just would like to emphasize it is very important for spouses to agree on how much time each spends on working outside and inside the home.

Why, precisely, is this not only important but urgent?  Because each spouse must feel important in the other's eyes, important enough that both spouses want to spend time with each other.  If one spouse is always working either outside the home or inside the home, it makes the other person feel neglected.  Sure, they may be times when, due to economic needs, one or both spouses cannot accomplish this, but they need to know: I really love to spend time with you.  I will spend more time with you when I can.

I've seen it happen over and over again that, for years, one spouse feels like he or she is doing 'most' of the work for the family, that the other person is 'lazy.'  This arrangement will not work forever!  There needs to be and will be, sooner or later, balance in the relationship.  The working spouse will deeply resent the lazy person or the selfish person.  Divorces will happen due to one person working, perhaps both inside and outside the home, and the other one not doing his or her share of the work.  This does not create a healthy, loving family!

"Work ethic" is complicated.  Some folks love to be taken care of and others like to be the caretakers.  This may work for a time but usually doesn't forever.  Both parties need to be grown-ups and do their fair share.

How can you predict if a person you're dating will work too much or too little after marriage?  It's safe to go by the old adage, "Past Performance Predicts Future Performance."  If your future mate works hard at a job, keeps his or her home fairly neat, and knows how to relax, it's a pretty good bet this will continue after marriage.  The marriage licenses ought to have a provision, "No slobs need to apply!  No selfish people need to apply!"

Dear Lord, we crave happy marriages!  Sometimes we need to examine ourselves to determine if we work too much or too little, if we spend time with the ones we love.  Help us to unselfishly love. Help us to willingly do our share of the family work.

Hopeless?

If a person is inclined to feel hopeless and depressed, considering the national and international news would certainly deepen those "dark" feelings.  For a few years, there was the rash of school shootings.  Now it's ISIS and other terrorist groups posting their horrible videos all over the internet.  Today there was a young man arrested in Times Square, New York City, U.S.A., for openly recruiting for ISIS.  When will the violence end?

Evil as those large-scale events are, they are not the primary reason an individual feels so hopeless that suicide is planned.  A person planning to hurt themselves feels utterly alone in the world and/or there is no other option to a seemingly tragic situation.

Back after the Great Stock Market Crash of 1929, many men who worked on Wall Street committed suicide by jumping out the windows of high-rise buildings.  In our age, many veterans of wars with untreated P.T.S.D. (post-traumatic stress disorder) decide to end it all.

A person can function in a family, attend school or work well in a job, and still feel alone, like no one cares.  It's so sad to hear of a teenager - or anyone else, for that matter - committing suicide and no one knew there was a problem!  (IF someone tells you how they're planning to hurt themselves, take them seriously and get them help in a hospital!)

We must take time to connect with our loved ones!  We must tell them "I love you" frequently, daily.  We should never be too busy for this!  Having a cheerful attitude also helps.  We never know what burdens others are carrying.  A friendly smile would be welcome by everyone!

You've heard "OPTIONS" mentioned in this blog multiple times.  There are always options in every situation, no matter how grim.  If you or someone you know thinks they're 'at the end of the rope,' think again, see a professional counselor or your pastor or a trusted friend.  You may not like the options, but there are always options.

My atheist friend, Jerry, says, "When I think of after death, I think there will be nothing, just blackness."  He added, "I would like to believe like you, but I don't."  At least, he's being honest.

My religion is the comfort of my life!  I know that no matter what obstacles I encounter in life, the setbacks, the pain, the disappointments, God is with me, giving me the strength to bear them, and will use these things for my good.  I believe that life after death continues, in a different form.

In addition to God being with me in all things, my church friends also support me as I support them, when the need arises.  This is no small help!  Join a church community and find out for yourself.  You may have to 'church shop,' visit several churches to discover which you prefer; don't give up. I promise you will not be disappointed!

Dear Lord, You are timeless and have seen all our tragedies repeated countless times during the thousands of years of humanity.  Help us just do our personal best to care for, to love, all those around us in appropriate ways.  Help us spread Your Hope!

The Blockhead, #2

I sorely hate to admit this, even to myself, but I am a BLOCKHEAD when it comes to exercise!  Yesterday I walked around the neighborhood for a few blocks and thoroughly enjoyed it.  The last time I walked here was in the beginning of the summer - once.  The flowers, trees, and all plants are at their absolute peak of beauty right now!  I thought that the trees had doubled in height!  Inwardly, I kicked myself for missing this all summer.

It feels so good to exercise.  I know it actually gives me energy.  So why don't I exercise daily?  I have a store of trillions of excuses.

1) When I was growing up, I was not athletic.  I rode my bike but only when I needed to go to a friend's house or to the library. Exercise in girls was not encouraged. I tried out for the school volleyball team but they didn't want me. I LOATHED P.E.!  Standing on my head was the most idiotic thing I ever attempted.

2) I think that if I physically work hard, at housework or yardwork, it is good exercise.  It really isn't enough.

3) When I was working (and I measured this), I walked 15,000 steps per shift, minimum.  Ridiculous!  Being retired for a year, I think I'm still reaping the benefit of it but I need to maintain it! - but not that much!  I still can walk quite a distance without getting winded.

4) Years ago, I walked four miles a day, got my weight down to where I wanted it, and felt great.  Why can't I do it now?  I even have a treadmill.

5) BUT - I have so many interesting projects going on.  It's much nicer to sew or knit or work on ceramics or cook.  I even like to clean rather than exercise!  Chatting on the phone or working on the computer also is much more fun than exercising.  Some days going out of town to visit takes up the whole day.  I seem to spend too much time in the car.  I seem to spend a lot of time in church, either for services or for meetings.  Maybe we should have the meetings while walking!

6) My whole family of origin was overweight.  But no one seemed to care about it back then.  Mom lost all her weight when in her 50's and kept it off, within 5 pounds, till her death.

My friend, Gail, looks great, swims and plays a lot of tennis.  That seems a lot of work and time commitment.  Think I'll keep walking!

Dear Mom in Heaven, please help me get really committed to exercising, and ask Jesus and all the Saints to prod me also.  Just day by day.  Please help me overcome my excuses and blockheadedness! Thank you!  I miss you.

Reasons to Get Married, #10: Old Child

Once upon a time, there lived two very selfish and immature people, she in her house and he in his house.  Both had never been married, being serial cohabiters, but they cohabited with each other for a few months several years ago, resulting in a beautiful, smart, active, adorable child.

He is a quite successful businessman; his house would be called 'grand' by anyone.  She usually sponges off relatives but presently works and rents a small house.  Everyone who knows her considers her a true, old-fashioned "gold digger" (will do anything to marry a man she thinks has 'money').  And why not!  She learned this from her mother who 'moved up' with each new divorce and remarriage (and there were many).

For a while, they talked about marriage, just for the child, but he is an alcoholic, which she can't stand, and she uses hard, illegal drugs quite a lot, which he won't tolerate.  When they cohabited, they fought and fought - over everything.  He would have married her but she insisted that his very nice house be also put in her name. He not only refused to put her name on the deed to the house, he wanted her to sign a pre-nuptial agreement stating that he would owe her nothing if they got divorced.  She refused.

He deserves credit for faithfully giving the woman child support and taking the child home every other weekend.  Many men would make excuses and bail out.  He even paid her pregnancy and delivery costs.

Meanwhile the child has grown to be near school age.  And both the man and woman have grown to dearly love the child.  The child is starting to notice that some of her friends live with both their mommy and daddy and is beginning to ask questions, "Why do I live in two houses?"

The woman has changed.  She no longer insists that her name be on the house deed.  They plan to be married soon.  Is this a reason to get married: ONLY to give their child a home?

Who knows the answer?  Only God!  I've known some couples whose marriage would be likely to last only a few months, who have been married many years.  And others who split up and shock all the friends and family who had no idea the marriage was in trouble.  No one can predict the motivation of another. As far as this couple goes, I have no idea if either one of them has overcome their substance addiction.

Let's recap the blog entries with the theme, "Reasons to Get Married."
#1: "The Mail Order Bride," December 11, 2013
#2: "Military," February 8, 2014
#3: "Baby on the Way!" February 11, 2014
#4: "Money!" February 26, 2014
#5: "Prestige!" March 6, 2014
#6:  "To Become a Citizen," March 20, 2014
#7: "Same Religion," March 26, 2014
#8: "To Please Our Parents," April 12, 2014
#9: "Baby Clock Ticking!" May 31, 2014

When checking this, I noticed that some of the blog numbers are incorrect, which I'll correct, but the dates are correct.  Eventually, I'll explore the MAIN REASON a man and woman should get married, for LOVE.  But is this reason enough?  Never a dull moment in the world of blogs and relationships!

Lord in heaven, I believe You are One God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  You are a family.  You are Love.  Please help us find love and create love in our families!

Simple Pleasures. . .

The weather is much cooler today, and I wore my blue knitted wool ruana for the first time this fall.  Being Sunday, the Lord's Day, of course, I attended church.  It is always very busy, very holy, and very inspirational in the ministers, the music, the Bible readings, and the people, most of whom I recognize/know/or are friends.  New folks are always encouraged to stand up, be recognized, and tell from where they came. They all receive a special gift, a bottle opener shaped like a horse in the color U.K. blue, to remind them of our church and Kentucky when they return home.

Today was special because there was an infant Baptism after the sermon.  Elliott, the baby, looked to be about three months old and was a perfect little gentleman.  Father Gino, the celebrant, invited all Elliott's family to gather around the baptismal area "if you want to take pictures or see better."  Then he added a personal touch, "and please watch that the children don't go swimming in the Baptismal Pool!"  (The area for infants is a small basin.)  After the ceremony, Father held up Elliott in his new white garment for all the church to see.

Last week was really busy for me.  Every day I actually had to go somewhere, out-of-town on two days.  I was very tired and sleepy after lunch and wasn't surprised that I fell asleep in the chair watching TV.

The sunshine in the back yard seemed to beckon me.  I found it very pleasant outside.  I felt I needed to soak up the beauty of each and every flower, the sun, the cool breeze, everything.  I want to remember all the beauty after the leaves drop and the trees are bare.

Sunshine filtering through the trees.  All the plants are still perfectly green even though it is the middle of September!

The Birdbath: shadows are long even though it's only 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

I want to remember each and every beautiful flower, all the bright colors.

The Oak Leaf Hydrangea is in all its glory!

Only one large hydrangea bloom peeps over the fence to be visible from the street (I live on a corner).

My new yellow mum can be seen from inside and is colorfully reflected in the window. I won this Friday as a door prize at the Nephrology Conference.  What a lovely bonus!

There are still quite a few cherry tomatoes on the plant. I wonder if they'll get ripe enough to eat.  I'll bring them inside before the first freeze and put them in a sunny window and watch!  They've been a good crop this summer.

These yellow daisies are what my gardening friend, Florence, calls "volunteers."  I didn't plant them and there they are!

I'll have to bring my garden angels and the St. Francis Statue inside for the winter.  This little fellow has seen many summers in the back yard!

These are probably the last of the ever-blooming roses of the season.  The ones in the front of the house and these on the side have been beautiful all summer.  Sadly, the oldest and largest two in the back yard died over last winter and got chopped down to the ground.

These bright red berries are from a "volunteer" tree weed next to the white birch tree.  I'll probably have to cut it down.  My problem over the summer has been too many weeds and "volunteers!"

Slowly strolling around the backyard today, I wanted to appreciate even the tiniest of flowers.  These are in the ivy in front of the birdbath, barely visible unless you're right in front of them.  These also are "volunteers," but I won't yank them out!

I also wanted to touch and smell the plants.  I crushed a couple of leaves on these basil and lemon balm plants - very fresh!  Before it freezes, I'll harvest these and freeze them inside for the winter.

See the pink puff in the middle of the photo?  It's the very last bloom on my mimosa tree.  This is my prize!!  Day by day, I've been watching the number of blooms diminish.  I am so blessed this year, having this one this late in the season!  Usually, before the end of August, all the blooms are dried up.  This one is only visible from my second story sewing room window.  I can't see it from underneath the tree.  I'll remember to look at this photo again when it's snowing and frozen outside!

It doesn't take much to make me happy! - smiling people, lively children, beautiful plants - what, in God's wonderful creation, could be better!  I encourage you, even if you don't have a yard, to get a plant and learn to take care of it.  It's fun and will provide a spot of color and freshness for the cold weather ahead.

Lord, today I am almost overwhelmed by your magnificent flowers and green plants!  I would have enjoyed the flitting birds and scittering squirrels but when I opened the back door, they all ran away!
Thank you for all of nature, everywhere, for all of the earth!

Gotta Share! #2: Dialysis Options

First deep thought: Our Kidneys are meant to last a lifetime!  If we take care of them, they will! Good health habits which will help not only our kidneys but all of our bodies are: drinking plenty of fluids; not drinking very much (if any) alcohol; not smoking anything, ever!; eating a balanced diet; getting plenty of exercise and sleep, etc.  One item never seen much in the news is overdosing on over-the-counter (non-prescription) medicines.  Too much tylenol will kill your liver and the rest of you.  Be very, very careful which and how much medicines you take.  If your doctor prescribes a new medicine for you, always ask: "What are the common side effects I should look for?  Will this hurt my kidneys?"

There are medicines you may be prescribed that will decrease your kidney function over a period of 25 or 30 years such as methotrexate or some psychiatric meds.  Always ask about side effects.

It cannot be overstated: you must have a regular physician!!  Problems can be detected early and taken care of. Personal example: several years ago, at a routine yearly check-up, my doctor told me, "There's blood in your urine (microscopic).  I think you have a bladder infection."  I received one course of antibiotics, got rechecked: still blood in the urine.  He prescribed another course of antibiotics.  Same result: blood in the urine.  He had a urine culture done: no bacteria.  He told me, "I think you have another problem.  Let's get an x-ray."  The x-ray revealed extensive kidney stones!  One kidney had a bunch of small stones and the other had what is called "staghorn kidney stones," basically a calcification of the lining of the kidney!  Then he sent me to a specialist, a urologist.  I had four surgeries as a result, including a parathyroidectomy (one of the four glands in the neck removed). The important thing was: I never had one symptom, NO PAIN, NO BLOOD IN MY URINE!  If the doctor had not detected problems on a routine check-up and I had waited until I was in pain, I might have lost both my kidneys!!!  (And then had to have dialysis.)

Second deep thought: IF you have major physical problems, this might include cancer or heart problems or loss of kidney function, ASK your doctor, "What are my OPTIONS?"  There usually are several options for treatment.  YOU must choose among them!

Before I retired, an ICU nurse and I had a conversation about dialysis treatment options.  He was studying for a Doctor of Nursing degree (DNP) and had a friend who needed dialysis.  He asked me, "If you had to choose between dialysis and a kidney transplant, which would you choose?"

I talked with all my colleagues for several weeks about this.  We weighed all options.  In view of the fact that, if a person receives any organ transplant, anti-rejection medications would need to be taken for the rest of the person's life (at this time), and, we had first-hand knowledge of the dialysis process and all options, we unanimously chose dialysis over kidney transplant.  That is what I would do.

There are two kinds of dialysis: HEMOdialysis and PERITONEAL dialysis.  In HEMOdialysis, the blood is cleaned of extra fluid and wastes by filtering your blood by a machine.  Two lines (plastic tubes) are needed: one to take the blood out and one to put the same blood back in you.  Most dialysis patients receive HEMOdialysis.  Note: if you have kidney failure in the United States, you will receive Medicare (you have to apply for it).

The great majority of United States patients (93%) with kidney failure receive hemodialysis treatment.  Most of these get their treatment in outpatient dialysis clinics.  You may have seen some of them around your town: Fresenius, DaVita, etc.  Patients go to the clinics three times per week for treatments of four hours each.  What you drink is severely restricted. What you eat is also severely restricted because the potassium and phosphates in food will hurt you.

A recent treatment option is HOME hemodialysis.  You have your treatments in your own home.  The advantage is that you tend to get very few infections at home!  This is a huge advantage.  You need someone who will help you with this. Training will be given to you and your caregiver.  Another huge advantage is that you can do home hemodialysis for a shorter time, daily.  This mimics natural kidneys.  You usually will be able to have a fairly normal diet.  Less than 1% of patients do home hemodialysis in the United States.

A different kind of treatment for kidney failure is called PERITONEAL DIALYSIS.  Your blood is cleaned by using a membrane in your abdomen, the peritoneum, for blood exchange.  Fluid is pumped into your abdomen through a single plastic tube; the fluid stays in your belly for an hour or two and is drained out through the same tube.  When it is drained out, it brings with it some of the extra fluid and wastes in your blood.  Peritoneal dialysis is always done at home.  The patient is trained.  There are also advantages to this option: 1) your urine function is preserved longer, 2) you usually can eat a drink a normal diet, 3) there are fewer infections, 4) you can do it yourself and 5) it is infinitely easier to travel.  The peritoneal dialysis machine is the size of a suitcase.  The hemodialysis machines are larger.

Only about 7% of U.S. patients do peritoneal dialysis.  Countries in the rest of the world do far more of this.  Why?  In-clinic hemodialysis is extremely (we're talking billions of dollars here!)  profitable for companies in the business and is heavily promoted.  The majority of U.S. patients don't know they have kidney problems until they fail and have to have emergency hemodialysis to save their lives!

To find out more about dialysis, go to www.kidneyschool.org.  I've met the woman who started this website.  I've printed out the whole manual for several patients and for my colleagues on our in-patient dialysis unit.  It is comprehensive, understandable, and very helpful.

IF I ever have kidney failure, I would know it is coming because I will continue regular physician check-ups.  When the time came, I would do peritoneal dialysis at home.  In time, I may need hemodialysis.  I would definitely do home hemodialysis.  That is my choice.  Obviously, other people prefer other treatments. I want to preserve my immune function.  Every year, the anti-rejection medicines improve.  IF they have a kidney transplant option that would not involve depressing your immunity, I would try that.  Scientists are working on an artificial kidney.  In time, that will be an option.  Tell you one thing: I would be the perfect dialysis patient!  I know that you can have a good life, a long life with kidney failure if you do your best!!

Lord God, I thank You for life - may I take very good care of myself, I thank You for love - may I give love to all you bring my way! I also thank You for my nursing career - may I still help people this way!

Gotta Share!

Today I spent in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, at an all-day Nephrology Conference updating my knowledge, visiting with old friends/former colleagues, and meeting new folks.  Since I've cared for hundreds of patients with end-stage kidney disease, I'd like to share with you some of the hardships of their lives, and how you can prevent developing this tragic disease.  You may want to share the information with those you love.

Our kidneys filter our blood, all day, every day.  End-stage renal disease (ESRD) means that your kidneys can no longer clear the extra fluid and harmful wastes from your body.  You may not urinate at all.  This disease does not happen suddenly; it develops over years, most often as a side effect of poorly regulated diabetes or high blood pressure.

The treatment options for ESRD are dialysis or kidney transplant.  Either treatment will not cure the disease but - if you follow the treatment plan prescribed by your medical professionals very carefully, you can live with this disease. Nearly 400,000 United States residents receive some form of dialysis.  172,000 U.S. people are living with working transplanted kidneys.  Without dialysis or transplant, you will die with ESRD.

So as to not make today's blog extremely long, I'll start today with the best option, kidney transplant, then explore other topics in later blogs.  Statistically, persons with ESRD who receive transplanted kidneys live longer and enjoy a better quality of life than those who have dialysis.  There are many more who need kidney transplants than there are kidneys available, either from living donors or from those who have died suddenly.  If you need a kidney, you will be evaluated to see if you can undergo the surgery and take good care of the kidney.

To be a good candidate for kidney transplant surgery, (1) you cannot be very much overweight.  Why?  Because it's harder for the incision to heal in the very obese; sometimes the surgical incisions will pop open the stitches or staples (dehiscence).

(2) You have to be "compliant" with your prescribed medical treatment, taking your medicines all the time, going to your dialysis sessions without fail, eating a healthy diet (there are many things NOT good for you if you're on dialysis, plus, you may have to limit the fluid you drink).  Don't ever think medical professionals are MEAN when we tell you what to eat, drink, get exercise, etc.  We're trying to help you!

(3) You must live within 24 hours of a transplant center.  That's the optimal time a kidney from a deceased donor can be saved for you.  A living donor has no such time limits.

(4) You may not have an active infection.

(5) You may not be older than 70 to 75 unless you are in good physical condition.

(6) You have to have a life expectancy of at least 3 to 5 years, no matter what your age.  You won't be transplanted if you have active cancer.

(7) You must have a support system at home.  You won't be sent home alone after transplantation.

(8) If you smoke, you won't be transplanted at the University of Kentucky although some other centers may take you.

(9) You must have your teeth in good condition.

(10) You cannot be a current drug or alcohol addict.

(11) You cannot be "sensitized," previously had multiple blood transfusions, pregnancies, or transplants.

The average waiting time for a kidney transplant (deceased donor) at the University of Kentucky in Lexington and at Jewish Hospital in Louisville is from 2 1/2 to 3 years.  At the University of California at Los Angeles, the wait time is ten to twelve years.

If you receive a kidney transplant, you will NEED to take anti-rejection medications for the rest of your life.  Your immune system will be considerably weaker, so you will need to avoid infections.

With all these criteria for transplants, you may be thinking: if I have extra weight, why not lose it now?  If I either smoke, am addicted to drugs or alcohol, why not quit now?  If I don't think the doctors know what they're talking about, and choose not to be "compliant" with their treatment, why not do what they say now?  If I have diabetes or high blood pressure, why not do exactly what the doctor says and very tightly regulate my illnesses NOW?  If you do this, you may stay healthy!!  Believe me, working hard to PREVENT end-stage renal disease will pay off in better health for you!!

Part of being in close relationships is wanting the best for the ones you love.  We must try to show good example in health habits and encourage (not nag!) those health habits in our loved ones.

Dear Lord, bless all those associated with the care of patients with kidney disease and all other diseases.  Please help all the sick patients not be discouraged and live the best they can.  We remember how very many sick people You healed when you were on this earth!

Laggards

In the years before air conditioning in cars, summers in Kentucky, U.S.A., were miserable when the heat and humidity approached "100" and you were in a car.  One such blistering day, I was driving back from town with my children.  The air was not moving at all, even though we had all the car's windows rolled down (no automatic 'up' buttons!).

On the dusty two-lane road, we were trapped behind a car moving so slow, it must've been going half the speed allowed.  We couldn't pass, we couldn't turn off, so there we were.

This went on for blocks and blocks.  I broke the silence and started grumbling about the driver and occupants of the car ahead.  "Don't they know where they're going?. . . May I should get closer and give them a push!. . . Don't they know how to drive!. .  . The sign said "35 (mph)", not "10!"

They must have read my mind and drove even slower.  It seemed they were barely moving.  And we were sweltering.

Finally, I could stand it no more and screamed out the window, "Laggards!"

They probably didn't hear it.  I wasn't close enough to tail-gate.  Soon thereafter, the laggards turned left.  Praise God! Then I could speed up to normal speed and we could get a little air moving through the car.  Bless their little hearts, the children said not a word during this ordeal.  I suspect the heat made them sleepy.

Today, I wouldn't yell "Laggards!" or anything out the car window.  Nor would I openly gesture; it's just too dangerous.

But my "laggards" are still present in everyday life.  Laggards are folks who always, consistently, show up late for every event. I try to give them the benefit of a doubt: perhaps they're held up in traffic (every time?); maybe they didn't write down the correct time (every time?); surely, they don't think they're so important they have to make a 'grand entrance? (every time?).

To have a really nice dinner go cold waiting for the laggards would not be fair to everyone who came in plenty of time.  Most of the time, the family just goes ahead and starts to eat and it's the laggards who eat cold food!  Is that mean?

Dear God, You gave me a military man for a dad who taught me to be early so I could be sure of being on time.  Thank You for all the laggards in my life who teach me patience!

Rejected! #2: Stalking!

After the break-up of a close relationship, sometimes the offended party, the one who was left, will not accept that it's over, forever.  He or she will not give up trying to contact the loved one, and will try any and every means to get the slightest response, in hopes of stimulating a restored relationship.

When the jilted lover won't take "No" for an answer, and continues the attempted contacts, it's called "stalking."  This might be very dangerous for the person who has left.  Stalking is a criminal offense.

Do you remember the movie, "Fatal Attraction?"  In this 1987 movie, Michael Douglas' character is a married man who has a passionate one-night stand with Glenn Close's character, an unmarried woman.  Glenn Close is very convincing as a woman who refuses to be tossed aside.  She pretends she's pregnant by him, terrorizes Douglas and his movie family, stalking them endlessly.  The movie was so horrifying that afterwards, it was said that the number of actual affairs was decreased significantly for months.

Stalkers will make total pests of themselves with frequent phone calls, texting, sending greeting cards/flowers/gifts, coming to their loved one's home and/or even calling their family and friends, trying to get support.  Several women I know reported, "I was afraid of his violence before I got the guts to leave him.  Now I'm so bothered that I'm getting an E.P.O. (Emergency Protective Order)."  Several other women moved far away and gave their new addresses to only a few trusted family members.

Here's some interesting statistics from CAEPV (The Corporate Alliance to End Partner Violence):  "While women are significantly more likely to be stalked by a male (67 percent) than a female (24 percent), men are just as likely to be stalked by another male (41 percent) than a female (43 percent). . . Young people 18 to 24 experience the highest rates of stalking." (caepv.org, 9-9-14).

Some stalkers will stop their intimidating immediately if threatened with police action.  If the unwelcome attention will not stop, and you are the victim, you must take action to protect yourself, immediately!

Dear Lord, You know that most of us have several dating relationships before choosing a mate.  Help all our relationships, even the ones that end, be positive, learning experiences, not touched by violence.  Yet help us be strong and not tolerate violence in any form.  Most of all, help us be wise in our choices of who to date.

Rejected! #1: The Two-Hour Rule

Several men I know have recently been 'dumped' by their long-time 'girlfriends.'  They are crushed, beyond belief, have not accepted that this is a permanent situation, and are terribly, terribly hurting. This, of course, happens to women, but this time it's two men.

We who are their friends could see it coming, for years, the question was, "When?  When, exactly, would the women get finally tired of the poor treatment from the men and get the strength to leave?"  Both of the men were dating wonderful, beautiful, talented, fine women.

One time my dad observed my young brothers noisily scuffling on the floor.  They were always scuffling on the floor.  Dad hollered at them, "You all just can't stand prosperity, can you?"  In other words, the boys just couldn't play peacefully.

This may be the way it is in relationships, at least with certain folks.  If they're dating really nice, loving, accepting, fun people, they're not happy.  They're much happier - although they don't know it - dating a jerk that will treat them meanly.  Why is that?  Maybe, deep inside, they don't feel they deserve to be loved.

We can't forget that the women who ended the relationships are also hurting.  In fact, they've been hurting for a long time, hurting from the poor treatment by the men.  Yes, they weren't completely honest with the men, at least toward the 'end,' because it's very, very hard to decide that there is NO HOPE for a permanently loving relationship, and that the time has come to end it.  This decision is made in pain, and, because of pain, lots of pain.  But the women also knew the men very well, knew that they had to make the break at the right time, that the men would be insanely angry.

Recovering from a broken, ended relationship of any duration and any depth is difficult.  It is real grieving.  As one of the men told me, "You know, if she had died, I could have got over it easier than this.  I think of her and think there's still hope."  They are both unable to accept that the end is THE END.

Years ago, I realized that I was once again crying and grieving for hours and off and on for days and weeks over a lost relationship.  I decided that I was very, very tired of suffering.  I knew that I had to feel the hurt in order to recover and go on in my life.  But I decided I would limit the intense period of grieving to a particular time.  Thus was born my TWO HOUR RULE:  I will allow myself two hours, and two hours only, of hurting and crying uncontrollably.  After that, I will stop, dust myself off, wash my face, be grateful for all the good friends I have, and do the best I have to continue my life.  Sure, I will feel sad but I won't wallow in my sadness!  I haven't thought to mention this to these two men whom I also love, but I think the time has come.

Next "Stop Twisted Love" blog: Rejected #2: Stalking!

Dear God, we would love to be loved by the ONE we love, and by all our friends, for the rest of our lives.  When this doesn't work out, You know how stunned and hurt we are.  Help us, above all, accept reality when our close friendships don't work out.  Help us know that we have done everything in our power to be a loving person.  Please, Lord, comfort us and help us comfort each other when we are hurting.