The Other Side of Love

Recently, this blog explored, "How do I know I'm in love?"  One quality, EXCLUSIVITY, was examined.  The second most important quality of true love is MUTUALITY.  This is by far the 'trickiest' quality!  A one-sided love is NOT true love!  It may be attraction, yearning, admiration, but it can't be true love.  True love is two people in love with each other at the same time.

A person truly in love always wants the very best in everything for the beloved.  This automatically excludes relationships where both parties are using each other for sexual satisfaction without benefit of commitment.  To be sure, a close physical relationship is part of true love, after a mutual, life-long commitment.

This last statement may be totally foreign to anyone who is a 100%, bona fide product of 21st century American culture.  Our media actively and aggressively promotes the credo that sex is your right, no matter what your age, no matter what your situation, no matter who or what you would like to engage in sex with.  What matters to the culture now is a person being satisfied sexually as much as possible.

If you haven't figured it out by now, a love based only on sex is destined for boredom and eventual failure.  Put simply, it is selfishness!  Don't settle for this.  Eventually, your relationship will taste like ashes in your mouth!

You deserve more!  Save your sex for marriage.  You will never regret doing so!  As a nurse, a mother, and a grandmother, I have seen the fall-out from relationships whose participants jump into sex very quickly, very casually.

In an exclusive, mutual relationship, both are free to explore the better qualities of each other.  This will be very exciting!

Lord, help us truly want the best for all our friends!  If one of our friendships turns into exclusive and mutual love, we thank you for the blessing!





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Negotiating Compatibility, #11: Family Relationships

As if the relationship between husband and wife is not complicated enough, there are her parents, his parents (what if there are 'steps?'), grandparents, siblings aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends!  Mix in an 'ex' or two and you may have chaos!  Granny told me, "When you get married, you're marrying the family!"

A young couple will have to decide together how they will spend their holidays: your parents' house, my parents' house, or our house?  Frequently this is a tug-of-war, a battle of the wills, a source of never-ending misery.  What if both sets of parents expect you will, of course, spend the holiday at their houses?  What if they don't even live in the same city? Someone will be disappointed!

JaneAnn always dreaded Christmas and Thanksgiving and New Years and birthdays.  The family always had to go to her husband, Thomas' parents' farm way out in the country.  It was expected.  JaneAnn and Thomas were having their own problems; she was trying to keep the marriage together, so she went.  Thomas' mother was positively horrible to JaneAnn because she was the only one in the entire family who was a different religion.  The mother-in-law was beastly!  When Thomas cheated on her, JaneAnn had enough and left him. Now, she says, she looks forward to holidays!

I've also heard of families where the Granny makes no secret that she favors one particular grandchild over another or the children from one family over another or that step-children are never accepted.  How hurtful!

Please, please never return to a house where you are "put-down," insulted, or otherwise verbally abused!  If your spouse doesn't stand up for you with his or her parents, your relationship is in very serious trouble!

Another sorry scenario is one in which an abusive spouse isolates the family and never wants to go anywhere for holidays or any event.  There is a big difference between this and a family who truly wants to spend the holiday at home and then visit relatives, say, between Christmas and New Year's.

God has a message for us in the very first book of the Bible, Genesis, Chapter 2, Verse 24: "A man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body."  This means that the new family must come first.  Just because Grandma or Great-Grandpa or someone insists that everyone in the family come to their house doesn't mean you want to or need to comply!  Consider what is best for your family!

You are truly blessed if you want to go to a particular home for the holidays. I feel very blessed to be invited to one of my children's homes for a big holiday party!  And I also feel blessed when they come to my house for another holiday.  Somehow, it always has worked out well!

Now what will you do for the holidays this Christmas season?

Lord, most of the holidays are really Your Holydays - Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's, etc.  Even on the Fourth of July we thank You for "God sheds his grace on America!"  Please help us work with our families to have very happy celebrations!

The Question Was . . .

The question was, "Can I love two men at the same time?  I've been dating them both for months and both want to marry me.  And I want to marry both of them.  But I must choose only one.  How can I choose?"  This question was asked of me by a young woman recently, and I really didn't know what to say.  I replied, "I'm not sure what you might do, how you could choose.  Let me think about it."

My response:  First of all, I considered the nature of true love.  One criteria is EXCLUSIVITY.  True love will consume your nearly every waking moment and even keep you awake at night with thoughts of your beloved.  No one has ever been more loving, gentle, caring, generous, wise or as desirable as your beloved.

True love will heighten your every sense.  Your world is now wonderful, beautiful, almost sparkling.  You want to drink in the sight of every fall tree, even a skeleton of a tree that's already dropped its leaves, even the lone yellow leaf trapped in the grass.  The last roses of the season are so vibrant you are almost moved to tears!  Even the clouds are fluffier. But more than that, much more, you yearn to be with your beloved always.  Do you sincerely feel this desire?

True love markedly changes your life.  You feel energized!  You could conquer the world, clean the world, teach the world!  Then you're exhausted.  True love will have you smiling inside at all times.  True love will make you want to sing.

True love is noticed by others.  When you're together, you will both glow.  The love, kindness and generosity, the "togetherness" and "couple-ness" will shine.  Do your friends say, "I think he's sweet on you!"

Two people in love complement each other very well, they work together well.  It is very comfortable to be in each other's presence; with no other has this been experienced before now.  It is such a JOY to be together!

True love wants only the best for the beloved.  That can never be dating a person for an extended time who is also dating someone else (or worse than that, married or engaged to someone else).

If you truly want two people equally, perhaps it's just your hormones speaking to their hormones: "I find you very attractive.  I want to feel this way often - that you find me attractive!"  And that's the way the world of dating sorts out who exactly we find most attractive in all the finer qualities - goodness, holiness, patriotism, commitment, fortitude, patience, to begin.  Perhaps you have not yet reached this "sorting-out" stage with the men you're dating.

So, here are my suggestions: be honest with the two gentlemen.  Keep dating both of them, if they will.  Don't jump into marriage with either one.  Let the process of knowing you truly love one person work out naturally, with no pressure.

Good luck!  True love is worth taking your time, worth the wait.

Dear Lord, all of us seek love.  Let us look in the right places, if we're looking.  Let us take our time with our choices.  Most of all, let us consult YOU with any questions we may have!  We take example from Your tremendous love for us!

The Hater

There always seems to be one neighbor, or even a whole family, close to where we live that absolutely strains our patience.  Years ago, across the street was what looked to be a nice young family; the husband worked as a manager in a supermarket, and the wife stayed at home with their toddler.

Fast forward several years.  No one knows what happened but the couple divorced.  Within a few months, the wife had lots of men visiting her at the house, one at a time.  One night, we heard a loud motor.  One man, with his truck, had a chain around one of her front porch posts and was backing up, trying to pull it off!

Now the child was about 5 or 6 years old.  She just stood in the driveway right out by the road, not dressed properly for the weather, and looked around for hours.  I also had pre-schoolers who I kept away from her.  I was a 'green' young mother who should have called Social Services for investigation, but I didn't know about such a thing at the time.  Not long after that, the woman and child moved away.  We neighbors were relieved.

Next in the house came a well-to-do family, new in town, just waiting for their big fine house to be built.  Their children were also young, of the same ages of the rest of the neighborhood children, and we all seemed to get along fine.  Then they, too moved.

The next occupants of the house were a real nightmare!  He was the known drug dealer of the county!  Everyone strictly avoided the family.  We were hoping they wouldn't last long and the didn't.  They moved away before the year was over.

FYI: How did everyone know everyone?  Those were the years before air conditioning, when families sat and played outside all spring, summer, and fall.  It was good to know everyone!  We also helped each other out quite a bit.

There was a very quiet man who should have worried us more.  He stayed to himself, never talked with anyone, and kept a neat yard.  Yet, one time, I watched out the window as some dogs dared to stray into his meticulously groomed yard.  He threw the shovel in his hand at the dogs and barely missed them!

Another incident I witnessed involved a big St. Bernard dog who lumbered into his front yard tulip patch.  The man ran at the dog and probably would have tackled him if the dog hadn't been faster!  I thought of this man as "The Hater."  The neighborhood kids avoided his house and family.  He, too, eventually moved out.

My present neighbors on the cul-de-sac are delightful!  I knew I would like the area when I looked out my window shortly after moving in 7 years ago.  The children were chalking up the whole street in front of the house.  They were having the best time.  And the mothers were out there keeping an eye on them.

It is the same now, also, only the children are older, most are in the early grades of elementary school, but we still have a few new little ones.  They ride their bikes, play ball together, run around in the summer rain.  And their mothers (and sometimes the fathers, too) are still out there watching.  They put a neon green sign at the entrance to the cul-de-sac when the children are out playing to warn motorists to go slow.  What a good idea!

Lord, I thank you for my neighbors, they are wonderful!  Please bless The Hater, wherever he is; bless him with experiences of love which may soften his hard heart!

A Question

Several months ago, a close friend and I were talking about death, heaven, and hell. She inquired, "What if I get to heaven, and one that I love is not there but in hell, will I be sad?"  I was puzzled; I had no idea of how to answer.  I responded, "Well, I don't know, but I'll see if I can find out.  That's an interesting question."

I forgot about the question but was reading a book by my favorite saint, St. Catherine of Siena, The Dialogue of St. Catherine.  This book was basically a dictation from God to St. Catherine.  She had many questions and these were the answers.  St. Catherine had the same question for God.  She was told that when a person in heaven, in the pure vision of God, sees in hell one that he or she loves, there will be no sadness, because they realize the JUSTICE of God.  

In reality, WE OURSELVES put ourselves into heaven or hell after death.  I wish there was a different word other than "death," because, in reality, we don't disappear into nothingness.  We are always aware, we know what is going on.  But, of course, when we die, these bodies of ours die, and we go on to the eternal joy in heaven or eternal condemnation in hell, based on the choices we have made during our lives.

Perhaps "transformation" or "metamorphosis" would be more appropriate words, but "death" is what will be used, at least in the English language.  We are actually more alive after death than we are presently because our eternal life will be forever!  Think about this sometime: in heaven there will be no pain, no sadness, but eternal love!

Lord, we hardly ever think of death, but it is our reality.  Please help us all make the wise choices, to follow your commands, so we are with You forever.  Please help us unfailingly and untiringly give a good example, pray more and more each day, and bring everyone we know and encounter also to be with you forever!

Small Gains

Like it or not, we ALL have to do some amount of housekeeping.  Even if we have a maid (wouldn't that be nice!) to do the heavy cleaning, we still need to organize our 'stuff' to our liking, and for a degree of neatness.

One mother I know told her young son, "The maid's coming, pick up your toys."  The son looked her right in the eyes and informed her, "If the maid's coming, let her do it!"  Not one to spoil the boy, the mother looked him back in the eyes and informed him, "YOU pick them up NOW!"  And he did.

Some folks love to keep their house clean and vacuum, sweep, dust, and clean bathrooms EVERY DAY!  There's certainly no harm in that; we call women that dedicated, "Mrs. Clean."  But most of us simply have too much responsibility for that level of cleanliness.

Personally, now that I'm retired and living by myself, the house doesn't get all that dirty and it's a lot easier to tidy up.  My goal is to do a little bit every day so I don't have an enormous task before entertaining 'events.'

Another goal is to keep 'things' from getting cluttered.  Long ago, I heard a good maxim: "Storage at the point of use."  If that can be accomplished with most of your 'stuff,' half your housekeeping battle is won!

My perfectly organized daughter #7, Marie, has a closet so well organized that at a bridal shower she hosted recently, her friends gave tours of the closet to those who had not seen it.  Marie has bought inexpensive Dollar-Store shoe boxes, and labeled the contents, for her shoes.  Her clothes are hanging according to colors.  I've taken her cue and done this also.  It helps!

It was just before my second child was born that we could afford to buy a washer and dryer and not drag our laundry to the laundromat.  What a luxury that was!

Now, of course, laundry is no big deal.  But the other day I discovered a new way to save a small amount of time with laundry.  Instead of tossing my dirty clothes in the hamper, then sorting them into whites, colors, and dark items, I thought of just putting the white and colored clothes directly into the washer after use, and the dark items into the hamper!  Now my clothes are pre-sorted and my first laundry load is ready to start!

Lord, we've heard that "Cleanliness is next to Godliness."  Please help us fight our laziness and not allow much clutter to happen!

Dumpers

Many folks are "selective" dumpers, venting all their poisonous thoughts on their victims.  They rant, curse, accuse, lie, blame, invent new ways of verbal abuse.  These dumpers may include the boss who is hated by all employees because of his or her "venting" habits.  Nothing is ever done well enough for these dumpers.  Yet, they don't dump on their bosses! 

The "victim" or "victims" must be vulnerable people.  If someone has the power to fire you, you are vulnerable.  If someone has the power the leave your marriage and you have no way to earn an income and perhaps take care of your children, you are vulnerable.

Dumpers are nothing more than BULLIES!  They are really little people inside, with ZERO self-confidence.  They appear to themselves to be 'big,' but that is a delusion.  If you have to prop yourself up by ripping apart another, you are a very small person, small in heart and totally uncaring about the effects you have on others.

Very sensitive persons seem to attract bullies and abuse.  I think that there are two kinds of people: either you are relatively happy and spread happiness or you are a nasty louse who is miserable and determined to make the rest of the world miserable.  I don't think there are 'neutral' people.

But, if you are sensitive, even super-sensitive to others' insults, you need to know that the nasty louse sends out bad vibes in every direction.  You must not allow yourself to be hurt.  OR, if you are hurt by a bully, never show that you are hurt.  If you do, the bully will jump in with both feet for the kill! The bully will never leave you alone, and insult you just for the sheer sport of it.  This is cruel but it is a reality.

The sensitive person also needs to know that if you're new to a job or a school, there are always jerks who will test you.  Be prepared, be firm, don't show that you're hurt.  Act like "a duck who lets the rain just fall down its feathers!"

If the bully gets no satisfaction from seeing you hurt, the bully will give up, pure and simple!

For most of my working life, I worked for small companies.  There were a few 'rotten apples' in the employee mix but if there are not very many bosses, you don't have much recourse to help.

The time I worked for a very large hospital was my happiest.  I had a positively horrible boss who regularly vented on me.  One time I ran into another person in the elevator who mentioned that the evil boss was on her way and had just finished 'ripping him apart.'  I knew that whatever she said would be evil, false, and just served to make her tiny, nasty, stone heart feel somewhat better.  So, when she came, I respectfully listened, let her vent, as she always did, with no hurt feelings on my part, and actually a little bit of boredom.  I guess she picked up on the boredom part and gave up after a while.

One time, I asked her to have Easter weekend off.  I had previously checked with my colleagues and they agreed to cover for me.  Madame Evil told me, "You take off all holidays, I don't know who I would get to substitute, no, you can't have the weekend off."  I thought about it for a couple of days and decided to go over her head, to HER BOSS.  I would recommend being very, very selective about doing this, only as a last resort for something that is very important to you.

I told the Big Boss what had happened and stated, "I didn't know that Easter weekend was an official holiday. My co-workers said they were fine with me taking off the weekend."  The boss's boss was very nice.  She firmly told me, "You go ahead and take off Easter weekend.  Don't worry about it."

Funny thing, after that incident, my boss never once vented on me again.

If there are people who consistently 'dump' on you and they are your 'equals,' you can, 1) avoid them, or, 2) a strategy I prefer, if they begin 'dumping,' interrupt them, tell them nicely and at great length, about your problems.  And we ALL have problems!  I promise you, they'll give up their dumping!  Don't forget: dumpers need audiences, the more, the better!

One of my co-workers at one job positively hated one of the younger ladies.  The older person was nasty to her at every opportunity.  The 'victim' tried to ignore it but finally had enough and went to the Human Resources department.  She had a legitimate complaint.  The nasty dumper almost got fired several different times for "harassment."  Going to Human Resources, also, should be a selective last resort.  If you do so, know that you need to write down dates and times, what was said, and who were witnesses.  Do not submit to terrible, repeated humiliation!

Dear Lord, You told us to "Pray for your enemies."  That is very, very hard!  But if we pray for our enemy, we see that person differently, the same as we are, equally as vulnerable.  Help us be strong, firm, and loving! 

Negotiating Compatibility, #10: Pets

The simple equation of wife plus husband plus pet equals three separate situations: either the wife or the husband doesn't like pets in general, or the particular pet of the other, or both like the pet one brought to the marriage or acquired after the wedding.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Pets can be a source of pride and affection OR, they can be an unrelenting source of friction.  Carol Ann loves cats.  Jason despises them.  After several years of marriage, Carol Ann decided she had to have a cat, so she got one, a fairly large indoor cat.  Jason avoids the cat, thinks it's useless and messy.  Why does Carol Ann keep the cat?

Bob loves dogs.  He grew up with a dog.  His parents and brothers have dogs.  He had a big Great Dane before he and Louisa were married.  She knew about Bob's dog but decided the dog was such a part of Bob that she wouldn't object.  Louisa has the most care of the dog but she dearly loves Bob and doesn't seem to mind.  She privately admitted, though, that when the Great Dane dies, she would campaign for "no pets" in their life.

There are all kinds of pets, small such as tropical fish, small birds and even small dogs. There are the huge pets such as large dogs and horses.  There are expensive pets and there are mutts.  One thing is for certain: they all require food and care, make messes, and cost money to either buy and/or when they need to get care at the vet's office.

I've seen poor folks with pets who only feed them, perhaps take them to clinics for their required vaccinations, but never take them to a vet for care if they're sick.  Many people would consider that irresponsible: if you can't afford to take care of a pet properly, perhaps you shouldn't have one.

Then there's the matter of who will take care of the pet if you have to go out-of-town.  A small pet may be easy to get someone to care for, but some pets are extremely difficult to find a pet-sitter for, whether it be friend, family, or kennel-type care.  Taking pets on travels is not only quite expensive, it is usually hard on the pet.

When my youngest daughter #8, Jeannie, got married, she took her cat, Lucy (now in kitty heaven), with her.  My other children asked me, "Oh, Mom, do you want us to get you something to replace Lucy?"  Oh, my gosh!!  I tolerated the messy, smelly, unfriendly, fur-shedding cat with expensive vet bills due to the cat having allergies, ONLY because Jeannie loved her.  I told them, "I do not want anything that breathes or messes, not so much as a fish!"  End of pet offers!

One time I sort of teased my children.  After a couple of delightful pet-free years, I got a small cat.  Really, I did.  I told them I did.  They didn't believe it.  Then I showed them the cat: it was curled up in its little hard bed, approximately 1 1/2 inches long, in my dollhouse!  We all thought it was quite funny!  Besides being tired of vacuuming up bunches of fur, I love to travel and don't want to have to pawn off my pet every time I leave.

There's also the matter of people being allergic to pets.  Alex and Karen had several pet-free years, then together decided they would get two cats, one for each of them.  Karen was allergic to cats so she went to the dermatologist for weekly shots to be able to tolerate them.  After several years of treatment, Karen no longer need the shots.  Both Alex and Karen still love their cats.

If you're contemplating marrying someone who has a pet or you have one, you would be wise to discuss what's going to happen after you marry.  You DO want to be compatible on this - and every - issue!  Would you give up your pet or ask your intended spouse to give up his or her pet?  Be honest!

Lord, You Yourself gave our first ancestors all the animals and plants, way back in the beginning, as is written in the Bible's first pages.  If we have care of these living creatures, help us care properly!

Don't Ever Mention It

This man, Ted, prided himself on planning.  He couldn't go on the shortest trip out-of-town without knowing the exact mileage and duration.  He made lists of anything and everything.  Knowing exactly how much he ever earned since his first job, Ted would never, could never, WASTE not even a single penny. Funny thing was, everything Ted wanted was valuable.  The family had to beg for what they needed. 

This fastidiousness in Ted might have been a virtue, something good, except he took it too far.  He was obsessive in his planning, his lists, his insistence that everything in his life be PERFECT.  Now you know and I know this level of perfection is not possible except with God.  Trouble was, Ted acted like he was God.

Ted also thought his opinions were perfect.  He was a classic "control freak."  Ted had to be in control of everything and everyone.  Of course, at his job, he had bosses. Ted always thought they were stupid, especially when he suggested something and they never did any of what he proposed. Over the years, he nearly got fired several times.  So, in addition to all this, Ted was unhappy.  Pity the poor people with whom he had to (and still do) work!  Pity even more his long-suffering family!

His wife, Jennifer, related this to me one day when we were talking about road trips.  It seemed that the family had to visit out-of-town relatives.  Naturally, Ted knew exactly how far they would travel.  The car was packed, the children were securely belted in place, the wife sat in her customary place (Ted would never, ever allow her to drive - "women don't know how to drive," he opined.).

No one spoke.  No one ever spoke in the car.  Ted thought that when the children were chatting, they were "fighting" and forbade it.  Jennifer just went along; she didn't like to fight with Ted, actually refused to fight with Ted. So, off they went.

They were about halfway to their destination when Ted missed a turn off the interstate!  Jennifer knew they were supposed to turn.  She didn't remind Ted the way a normal wife or friend would because she knew what would ensue: Ted would be furious, insist that he was going to turn and she should just shut up.  She had had way too much of that horrible temper of Mr. Perfect already.  Let him figure out his own mistake!

They went more than twenty miles more down the road before Ted figured out, "I don't think this looks right. Give me the map, let me check (Ted thought GPSs were too expensive and unnecessary).
Jennifer handed him the map and while driving, he looked and found out they were, indeed, going the wrong way.

At the next exit, Ted, turned around and retracked their last twenty miles, then turning off on the correct exit.  Jennifer never scolded him.  Why bother?  He acted as if this was planned.  The children never were aware of the mishap. The incident never was mentioned to anyone.

For those who may be planning on a "forever" relationship, be alert.  Assess carefully, with an open mind, your intended spouse.  What are his or her good qualities?  Do any of them cross the line from being a virtue into being a vice, or even being a mental illness?  Cool things off and realize how miserable you might be with a person who truly believes he or she is perfect.  Someone who is "rigid" eventually, like a tree in the wind, will break when severe challenges come.  And severe challenges come to us all.

Lord in Heaven, when we love someone, we tend to magnify their good qualities and totally ignore their faults.  Help us see the total picture and maturely evaluate their "happiness potential" with us in the future.  

Yes, Sir!!

My dearly departed Dad, Reuben, was an Army recruiter in California and Arizona, U.S.A., in the late 1930's, before World War II.  One day, in the 50's, he was telling us children of his about how one young recruit "just didn't get with the program."  This guy just refused to follow the orders of his superiors 100% of the time.  This is 100% unacceptable in the military!  As Dad emphasized, "LIVES DEPEND ON EACH AND EVERY SOLDIER FOLLOWING ORDERS!"  Thus, by not following orders, this recruit endangered the lives of every person in his platoon!

Dad had a plan.  He took the recruit out into the desert.  He ordered him to dig a large hole in the sand.  The recruit confidently took the shovel and began.  He dug for hours in the blistering heat on the Army reservation.  Whatever sand he dug out would shortly be filled in by sand caving into the hole.  Dad watched him dig for hours.  Finally, the recruit admitted to Dad, "Sir, this just can't be done."

Then the recruit added, "Sir, I may be a blockhead but I'm not stupid.  I know what you're trying to do.  I have obeyed your orders.  I will continue to obey your orders.  From now on, I will obey all orders."  Dad believed him and ordered, "Private, you may stop digging and return to your unit."

My parents insisted we respect them and respect all authority.  This was called "OBEDIENCE."  The teacher was always right.  Mom and Dad let us know that if the teacher had to punish us, they would also punish us.  We were really good children and rarely needed punishing from anyone.

I tried hard to raise my children in the same manner, with respect for authority.  But, it was harder.  In the 60's, the colleges were rampant with anti-disestablishmentarianism.  They wanted "to do their own thing."  Many young people dropped out of school and work to join hippie communes.  I was relieved my children were too young to be a part of this defiant drug culture.

Fast forward to 2014: how are children being raised today?  I think it's a mixed bag, with some children seeming to lack respect for anything, even themselves, and others 'sort of' respecting authority.  I am extremely pleased that 100% of my grandchildren respect me 100% of the time!  I'm also pleased to report I'm expecting my 19th grandchild in mid-November!  Praise you, Lord!!

Obedience is still important, respect for authority is still important.  In the end, LIVES MAY DEPEND ON THIS!!

Dear God, You are the Ultimate Authority which we must respect and teach our children to obey.  Give us the strength to insist on doing what is right!

EPIC LOVE!

From the time most of us were preschoolers, we were fed steady diets of "Epic Love," romances that overcame big odds and were very passionate.  "Cinderella," "Aladdin," all the Disney princesses, plenty of fairytales, etc.  We cry over the Humphrey Bogart classic movies, "Casablanca" and "African Queen."  We bring whole boxes of tissue to more timely Nicholas Sparks novels made into movies: "Message in a Bottle," and "Nights in Rodanthe."  There are hardly any movies depicting any semblance of reality such as "The Notebook," in which a couple actually grow old and the woman has Alzheimer's Disease.  Another movie which depicts an older couple is "On Golden Pond," in which the character played by Henry Fonda is developing early stage dementia while his wife, played by Katherine Hepburn, tries to cope.

Most of these 'romance' movies and books perpetuate the idea that love and marriage has to be and will be always exciting and passionate.  No where do we see dirty underwear, clogged plumbing, food with mold in the refrigerator, exhausted parents, a beer gut, etc.  Uncounted numbers of women who are grown up have a habit of reading a series of romance novels.  Could it be they are trying to live through the characters what is missing in their lives?

Perhaps there would be fewer divorces if the myth of always exciting and passionate love were to be "busted!"  Real love, true love, is lasting, for better, or for worse.  Real love, mature love, holy love, knows that the mate is a real person who will sometimes get crabby, be smelly, yet is a very good person inside, worthy of continued love.  As yes, sometimes, there will still be "fireworks," even if a couple is old!

Dear Lord, just as You love all of us, as we are, help us love those in our lives, in reality, as we love You, Lord!

Mother's Finest Gift

Today, October 19th, 2014, would have been my dear Mother, Adeline's 95th birthday, had she still been alive.  At Mass this morning, I was thinking about her, wishing she was with me.  Then I remembered that she really was with me, in church, celebrating with all the Communion of Saints in heaven, when Jesus comes to us in the mystery of Holy Communion!  This was very comforting!

Let me explain our teaching about the "Communion of Saints."  These are all the people who lived on this earth, died, and are now in heaven forever, with all the Angels who also enjoy the vision of God.  These Saints don't have to be officially declared "Saints" by the church.  They are all the known and unknown ordinary people, including some we personally have known to be good people.

On my first visit to Sacramento, California, U.S.A., to visit Mom and Dad in the early 1980's, one day Mom showed me a small box of Christmas ornaments she had made.  I, living in Kentucky, had never seen these particular ornaments.  Some were embroidered, some were made of beads, all were handmade by Mom.  One particular creation caught my eye.  It was a bright red Cardinal bird, about five inches long.  It was made with needlepoint.  It was by far the most beautiful in the box.  I wanted it!  I was bold enough to ask Mom, "Oh, please, can I have it?"  Mom hesitated.  She thought and then replied, "Well . . . no."  I held it and admired it even more.  Then mother quietly decided, "Well . . . OK, you can have it."  Oh, joy!

The Cardinal is still my favorite Christmas ornament, because it was such a gift of sacrifice and love!  Several of my daughters have asked me for the ornament.  I just can't part with it, now, more than ever, because it reminds me of mother!  I'll make my children anything they ask for, give them most things of mine, but not the Cardinal!

Dear Lord in Heaven, please help us be generous with all our belongings and with ourselves.  We know that all we have and all we are are gifts from You!  And please save me a place with my Mom!

Negotiating Compatibility, #9: Blenders

Surely, even the most casual and untimely marriages are entered into with some sense of permanence.  No one can assess motivation in others to "hang in there" when times get even slightly tough, and perhaps not even in themselves.  So, marriages flounder and fail.  Divorce is always a tragedy for the husband and wife involved, any children or family they may have, and the whole of our society.  It is not supposed to happen.

Here are the facts of divorce in America: 50% of first marriages fail, 67% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages fail to endure.  Given those grim statistics, it is still a wonder so many couples try again.

One reason second and subsequent marriages fail is that folks marry "on the rebound," too soon after their divorce (and even after being widowed).  There must be time to assess what went wrong and learn from those mistakes. Please read this blog, August 31, 2013, "On the Rebound," for a story of a successful couple (still married) who waited a full year to marry the second time. They are still going strong!

No matter what their ages, many couples marry too young, before really knowing themselves.  What do I want out of life?  What are the things I really like to do and - what do I know I think is boring.  This is very important.  Some folks marry, whether they know it or not, to avoid facing themselves.
Everyone must like themselves, and believe that they are doing the best they can in their present circumstances.

Another primary reason second and subsequent marriages fail centers around children. Having children together is an incredible bond between husband and wife.  Sometimes couples stay together just for the sake of the children.  If they are even halfway compatible, this is a good reason.

If both husband and wife each have their own children, it is extremely difficult to have a blended family.  In one family I've known for many years, the wife decided she had to leave her husband and young children "to find herself."  (I don't know if she ever did!)  The husband, Jim, took good care of the children for several years. Then he met Irene, a widowed lady with her own children, close to the ages of Jim's children.  Jim and Irene married, after nearly two years of dating.  All of the children were very happy they did so.  The children are grown now and Jim and Irene are happier than ever in their marriage.  This does not always work out.

I've known several young women with children who were interested in marrying the second time.  They carefully considered the "father" potential of the men and decided it would be better to keep looking.  One reported that her fiance (at the time) seemed to be tied to both his ex-wife and his mother.

Even men and women with grown children may experience "child" problems.  The couple has to decide whether or not they can make the marriage relationship primary.  If they can, they will not allow any force to separate them.  Of course, one reason older children oppose mom or dad marrying is they think their inheritance may be gone or diminished.  Pity that they would sacrifice their parent's happiness for the money they may or may not get!

The more happy and failed marriages I see, the more I feel there is one factor in promoting happy, lasting relationships: shared religion.  If the couple can pray together, they will not be as selfish as they would be if they only focus on themselves.  It is not easy to give all of yourself to another and know that your mate is trying to do the same.  Yet, marriages which have been blessed by God (in church) will be helped tremendously by God.  It is a mystery to me why more couples don't at least try this.

Second marriages could be happy, second marriages could be lasting.  If you're facing this, be wise!

Lord, we know the marriage and family relationship is the most difficult but also the most potentially fulfilling relationship that we may be privileged to experience.  Please help all married couples, help them give totally to each other and to their children, if they are so blessed, in Your name!

A Parent's Ultimate Compliment

With a Mom having German ancestry and a Dad who was active Army, plus being in Catholic schools, I was highly disciplined as a child.  Being of an agreeable nature (or so I thought), I took to it well.  Dad never once raised his voice to me.  Mom got frustrated with me once in a while because she said I was "sassing" her, or talking back when I should have just shut up.  I always thought I was just trying to explain myself.

Quite a few times, Mom told me, with a smile on her face and fire in her eyes, "I hope you have children just like you!"  I was so pleased.  I knew I was such a good girl and would have lots of good children just like myself.

Now that I'm a mother and grandmother, I fully realize that whenever Mom tossed that gem of wisdom at me, she was stretched to her absolute limit of endurance and was actually wishing my own 'badness' to come back at me if I was ever blessed with children. That's payback!

To be honest, I've wished that very same 'compliment' on certain ones of my children!  (All?)

The Bible says that the sins of the parents are visited on the children.  So, we pass down our evil inclinations.  When I heard that, I knew I did not, ever, want to do that!  But what were the 'sins of my parents' I didn't want to pass down?

The only thing I could recognize as something that positively had to stop with me was what I recognized in my Grandmother as "cut-off behavior."  Several times, Granny "cut-off" various ones of us when we didn't do what she expected.  She definitely considered herself to be the ruler of the entire family.

Once, she told my cousin, Jim, "You should have quit your job to take care of your Dad's farm when he was sick.  You're out of my will!"  As it turned out, Uncle Robert was incapacitated six weeks due to a black widow spider bite which almost killed him.  Aunt Rosemary took care of their dairy cows.  Jim had his own family to take care of.  Keep in mind that Granny hardly had anything to be willed to anyone at the time.

Another time, Granny told me, "I never want to see you again."  A brand new mother, I had committed the unforgivable sin of questioning her care for my baby.  (We resolved this nine months later.)

Much, much later in my life, I realized that I didn't want to follow the edict of the family, "Children should be seen and not heard."  While children positively need to learn respect for authority, they need to be heard at appropriate times.  That was certainly more difficult than expecting a child to always be quiet in the presence of elders.  Yet, I feel it benefited my children.

Because of my sassiness, Mother called me, "Street Angel, House Devil!" I didn't understand it at all.  What she meant was that all my teachers and all other adults thought I was such a wonderful child but at home I was terrible!

True to the Bible, my children have had problems with their children in exactly the same way.  And I remind them what Mother called me, "Sounds like he's (or she's) a Street Angel and House Devil!"

Dear Lord, please help all us parents and grandparents be good examples to our precious young ones and to each other.  We need, You know, lots more patience with the feisty little mongrels!!

The Big Mouth Man

Picture this: There was a man at the counter of a business, serving the public.  He had a customer, a woman.  No one except the two involved knows exactly what started the argument, but the man greatly insulted the woman, ending with, "And you women are all alike!"  The woman said not a word, just turned around and left the building.

The man's boss came in at the end of the conversation, heard the insult, heard the last comment.  She was just furious inside, that the man would act so beastly with a customer - or anyone.  The boss quickly decided to act 'bossly,' bring him into her office privately and talk with him in a calm, responsible manner.

The boss asked the man what exactly happened to cause the customer to abruptly leave.  The man told the truth, word for word.  Then the boss asked the man, "And how do you think your customer felt after you said that?"

"I know it was a terrible thing to say, it wasn't true, I just wanted to hurt her, I suppose I really did hurt her.  I wish it had never happened.  I wish I had never said those things," he confessed.

Then the boss asked the man, "Can you possibly apologize to her?"

"Yes, I'll call her right now," he agreed.  And he did.  Peace was restored to the business.

I greatly admired this boss for the way she handled this incident.  She could have fired him on the spot, put him down for probably losing a valuable customer, and/or reported him to the Human Resources Department for sexual harassment.  But she chose to give him a chance to explain.

I also admired the customer for (apparently) listening to the man's apology and continuing to be a customer of the business.

I also admired the man who knew he was wrong, admitted it, and said he was truly sorry.

There are certain things which should be never said and never thought!  What comes out of our mouths reflect what's in our mind and our hearts!  We all need to be aware of any bad attitudes that creep into our thinking.

Lord, bless the peacemakers!  Help us all be peacemakers, if we have the opportunity!

Just Say "Yes!"

Yesterday there was a meeting at church featuring an Assisted Living/Rehab facility in town.  I debated myself, should I or should I not go?  I decided that, even though I try to live a healthy lifestyle and hope to be in the 95% of those over 65 years of age who don't end up living permanently in a nursing home, accidents happen, and I might as well check out this place.

I was pleased with what the representative told us about herself and her facility here in Lexington, Kentucky, "Morning Pointe."  She dealt with a relative with Alzheimer's Disease, then wanted to be actively involved in their care.  The company is small, compared to the giant corporations for whom I have worked when I was active in Nursing.

After the program, several of those there mentioned that they had family members who were in nursing homes.  A good friend has a relative in a nursing home "just for rehab, but she has been refusing to go to therapy."

As a direct-care giving nurse, and worker in every job (including maintenance & housekeeping, actually!) in nursing homes for a number of years, I am definitely qualified to comment on the reality of the above problem.  In all the REHAB patients I worked with, there was only one patient who WENT HOME!  This is a terrible tragedy!

Who are the nursing home "rehab" patients?  They are adults of any age who had an accident or illness for which they were hospitalized but NEED ADDITIONAL THERAPY before they are safe to go home.  At nursing homes there is physical and occupational therapy, and in some, respiratory therapy.

Then, what exactly is the problem?  Why did ONLY ONE of the patients I worked with, go home?  Most of those needing nursing-home rehab are "elderly," that is, over 65 years of age.  Most have never been a patient in a nursing home.  If they have broken a bone, had a stroke or heart attack, they have lost a lot of strength just being virtually immobilized while in the hospital.  They don't recover as quickly as they did in their youth.  Also, they may still be in pain and may still need painkilling medicine.

Rehabilitation, making those muscles work again, is PAINFUL!  There's no way around this!  If a person is medicated to where he or she has no pain, they cannot do the work involved in exercising.  A nursing home resident quickly, the first session, finds out that going to rehab means they will have some pain.  They don't like pain!  (None of us do!!)  So the next session, they tell the therapist, "I don't feel like it."  They keep refusing!  What they don't know is that if a nursing home resident refuses therapy three times, they are taken off the therapy list!!  Therapy is done, over! Thus, they will never get strong enough to go home and will eventually be a permanent nursing home resident.

This was the policy/law ten years ago, when I was working in a nursing home, and, although I don't know for sure, I doubt if it has changed.

Another factor involved in why these nursing home patients who refuse therapy become permanent residents has to do with certain elders actually liking to not have to 'work' anymore.  They figure out quickly: you press a button and they come and do what you want them to do: get me this, get me that, take me to the bathroom, answer questions, etc.  They have worked hard all their lives and NOW THEY WON'T EVER HAVE TO AGAIN!  No more cooking!  No more dishes!  No more laundry!

The great majority of nursing home residents are women, more than two-thirds.  They make friends, something harder to do if they live alone.  There are lots of activities they may like.  Why should they go home!!

The ONE person who went home was in her mid-seventies and had broken her ankle.  When she first came to the nursing home for rehab, I was chatting with her son.  He told me, "Mother doesn't want to go to therapy.  What can I do?"  I told him, "Therapy is always painful and I can understand why she doesn't want to go.  But if she refuses to go, the therapists in a nursing home can't make her go.  However, YOU can make her go!  If you come to each and every therapy session with her, YOU CAN MAKE HER GO."

So he did!  He told her that he was modifying the bathroom in her home so that she would have direct access to her bathroom.  He bullied her (verbally).  He refused to take "no" for an answer.  Mother went to therapy.  She cursed her son.  She cursed her therapists.  She made progress.  SHE WENT HOME!

FYI: I had the same conversation about making a patient go to therapy with many families.  Some tried to do what the above son did but gave up.  Others never tried.  Some were unable to have a family member come to give encouragement and support for therapy.

So, bottom line: if either you or a family member ever needs therapy in a nursing home, now you know what to do!  Don't give up!  Independence is so worth the effort!!

Lord, we pray we will never, ever, have to be a patient in a nursing home, either for rehab or permanently.  Help us to choose the healthy lifestyle to maintain good health and strength.  Help us to be really careful and avoid falling or other accidents.  All for you, our Lord!

Wow! A FREE Day!

What do you do on that rare day when 1) you don't have to go anywhere, 2) your house is really clean, and (mostly) uncluttered, 3) there are no bills to pay and 4) it's raining hard outside so you can't do yard work?  Here's my plan at the start of the day:

*Write my two blogs early when I'm fresh instead of late evening when I just want to get to bed!

*Phone a friend who has been resting due to surgery.  Text, phone, or skype out-of-town relatives.  Got to catch on on the 3-year-old's activities!

*Clean my office! I know where everything is but it looks really messy.

*Work on my sewing, ceramic, and knitting projects.  Last night I finished knitting a big pale blue blanket for my latest expected grandbaby boy, Patty and Raj's son, due November 17.  Now I need to sew in the ends.  And I also want to work on some of my Christmas knitting gifts.

*I'd love to print out a couple of pages of photos for my album.  The last time I did great on this was two years ago when I broke my left arm.  The only thing I could do with one arm was work on the computer.  I printed out nearly 80 pages!  All I've done since then was download photos to the computer.

*Ancestry.com work has been neglected most of the summer!  This definitely will be a priority for today!

*I'll pray a bit, brew a pot of tea, and catch up on reading a bit.  I'll finish my Bible Study homework.

But I won't rush!!

Praise you, Lord, for this very rare day when I'm home alone!  Help me to not waste it!

Negotiating Compatibility, #8: Hobbies

It's wonderful to see a couple obviously enjoying each other's company in their fun activities.  Some wives really 'get into' the football games with their husbands.  Some husbands love to putter around antique shops with their wives.

Then there are the 'golf widows,' the wives who are abandoned at every opportunity while their husbands play yet another round of golf with their friends.  In my part of the country, Kentucky, there are plenty of families in which the husbands frequently go hunting or fishing with their pals.

Rick was such a man, a guy who from an early age hunted everything that could be legally hunted with his rifle, and who fished for particular fish, notably bass.  After he married Ella, nothing changed.  He bought a big boat (expensive!) and enjoyed his hunting and fishing every weekend, all weekend, and sometimes during the week with his same male friends and relatives.  Every year, when he had his vacation, Rick and his pals went to a faraway lake or even to the Atlantic coast one year, to fish. Meanwhile, Ella and the children stayed at home.

It is amazing that Ella never got upset at Rick for always being gone.  Now that Rick and Ella are grandparents, things have changed.  Rick hardly ever goes hunting or fishing anymore.  He openly admitted, "I wish I had been home when the kids were growing up.  I missed so much." Now he spends lots of time with the grandchildren.

Negotiating compatibility in regards to hobbies boils down to a few simple things: 1) Before you commit to marry someone, be honest with yourself and your spouse-to-be: do you really enjoy the same things?  Don't pretend to like sports or church activities or playing cards if you really don't like them.  2) Discover if your spouse-to-be has hobbies that he or she will be doing without you, can you handle being without them for long periods of time?  Forever? Or do you really long for "couple time together?"

The amount of free time each person has and also the amount of money that will be devoted to it, is important to a relationship.  You certainly can't plan your whole life together, but at least you can know, up front, what you may be getting yourself into!

Lord, help us to be honest with ourselves, with each other, but especially with You!

Dissolving Dried Scum

Needing more room in my garage for storage, the other day I tackled two cardboard boxes I had never looked into since before I moved into my present house.  I'm sorry to report that I've lived here 7 years!  Had I known how quickly I could separate out all the trash, recyclables, plus only a few things to save, I wouldn't have worked around them all these years.  I even recycled the big cardboard boxes I had moved around time and time again.

Two of the things I found and saved were small blue glass tumblers.  How real glass survived being thrown in with a lot of last-minute junk, I'll never know, but they were not cracked.  One glass just needed a trip through the dishwasher.  The other one had a ring of unknown dried 'scum' around the inner rim.  I tried scraping it off, unsuccessfully.  What to do?  I tried to remember what might have caused the yucky stuff: oh, I might have tried to 'root' a leaf from a houseplant and the dirty-looking scum was minerals left from the evaporated water.

What I did was simple.  I filled the glass to the top with vinegar, straight from the bottle.  I let it sit on the kitchen counter for two days.  Then I dumped out the vinegar and rubbed off the scum, easily, with just my fingers.  A trip through the dishwasher and it's good as new!

That got me to thinking: what is the invisible 'scum' of our personal lives?  It's our wrong-doing, our purposeful mistakes that hurt another, our sins against God and against our neighbor.  And what is the remedy for this kind of 'scum?'  We Catholics have Confession.  We call it the Sacrament of Penance.  After careful, private consideration of the wrongs we have committed, we (privately) tell our sins to a priest, pray to God, telling Him that we are very sorry and intend to never again do the wrong actions or thoughts, and then the priest, standing in for God, prays and absolves us of our sins.  I must tell you that it is extremely freeing! There's a wonderful feeling of starting over!  We are as good as new!

If you are psychologically or spiritually weighed down with your wrong-doings, you might try this.  It works!

The other day I had a conversation about this topic with a close friend who is considering joining the Catholic church.  She asked about the confidentiality of Confession.  I told her that priests are not allowed to disclose anything said in Confession.  She wondered, "What if a priest was told that someone had intended to murder someone?  Doesn't he have a duty to warn the person?"  (We medical personnel have a legal duty to report to police when someone is in danger or even a suspected victim of abuse.)

"No," I told her.  He is not allowed to disclose anything to anyone.  In the history of the church (2,000 years plus), there never has been an instance of breaking the 'seal' of confession.  Priests have died before revealing anything.  This is very serious business!

Lord, on this Sunday, Your day, I'm again reminded of your wonderful plan to get us back to You - in heaven!  Thank You for loving us enough to teach us about Confessing our sins!

The Blue Smile

There are signs I look for every year that certain seasons are changing. In the fall, in Lexington, Kentucky, U.S.A., it is The Blue Smile.

In the summer, the leafy branches on the tall tree outside my second-story bedroom window hide my far-away view of The Blue Smile.  But now, as the weather has brief periods of crispy cold fall weather, enough of the leaves have dropped off that particular tree that, once again, I can glimpse The Blue Smile over the rooftops of my near neighbors.

The Blue Smile is the name we Lexingtonians have given the lights outlining one of our city's tallest buildings, the 5th/3rd Bank Tower, in the downtown area.  It can be seen for many miles around the county, from afar, from any point on the compass.

It is always present, visible at night.  It is friendly and reassuring.  That's the way I'd like to be to all my family and friends!

Lord, thank you for the seasons of the year, and for the seasons of our lives.  Thank you for such simple signs of stability in a community such as The Blue Smile.  And, please let me live what I aspire to, a sign of friendliness, love, and stability for my family and friends!

I'm Sorry, So Sorry!. . .

. . .'cause I was such a fool. . .  Remember that old Brenda Lee song?  It seems that you hear so many "I'm sorry"s these days!  Some folks seem to preface nearly everything they say, similar to teens that say "like" so frequently it drives you batty, with "I'm sorry but. . ."  And you know that they really don't need to apologize in advance for what really doesn't need an apology.  Does this reflect a very low sense of self-esteem?  Probably.  The person is, in effect, saying that he or she is not worth our time and attention.

The occasions when genuine sorrow must be expressed are few.  If we discover we have offended someone, we need to be sorry about it.  If someone has suffered a great loss, we certainly feel sorrow for them and need to express it to them.  Then we can do it, very simply.

Once in a while we will encounter someone who is playing a game of sorrow with us, trying to manipulate us into feeling sorry for them.  They would love to be rescued from whatever malady they choose to exhibit. This is the "poor little me" game.  Of course, there are some folks who are truly incompetent in a particular area.  But by and large, and I have not seen very much of it.  The game-players just want us to do their jobs for them, would be content to see us do all of their work.  Don't fall for the 'game!'

Lord, we are truly sorry whenever we offend you by our blatant lack of love and purposeful hurting of another.  Please forgive us our trespasses and help us forgive those who have offended us, from our hearts!

The Nitpicker

No, "Nitpicker" is not the name of a bird species, like a "Woodpecker."  A nitpicker is a real live person who can always find something to criticize in you or in me.  Facts are, all of us could do the same.  We are always comparing someone else's behavior to our own sense of what should be right.  We have an opinion on everything.  Yet we're all not 'nitpickers.'  We know when it is appropriate to criticize and when it is appropriate to shut up!

There are movie critics and restaurant critics or 'reviewers' on TV or in the newspapers.  These reviews may be negative but also may be positive reviews.  The nitpickers are always negative.

Elaine was a very busy young mother.  Her house was cluttered yet clean.  Once she tried to make the children, all preschoolers, put their toys away immediately when they were finished playing with them, like her neighbor, Sally.  This lasted one week.  Elaine found that if the children had to be that neat and orderly, only playing with one toy at a time, then having to put it away, they wouldn't play with any of their toys. Elaine would rather have happy children and a cluttered house.

One time Elaine's mother came for her annual visit.  Elaine knocked herself out to get the house clean and even de-cluttered.  She was very proud of her results.  Her mother came in, looked around, and almost sneered, "How can you live this way?"  That was very upsetting!  Of course, mother's house was perfect.  Even when Elaine was growing up, her mother's house was perfect.  But housecleaning was ALL her mother had to do - no job, no committees, etc.  Elaine was then very glad she only had to see her mother once a year!

We need to know both how to GIVE criticism and how to TAKE criticism.  The first rule of criticism is to never take abusive criticism and to never give abusive criticism.  Abuse would be screaming, name-calling, and irrational accusations.  Another world for abusive criticism would be 'venting.'  This is very harmful to the person on the receiving end.  It is also harmful to the abuser in that, although the abuser feels somewhat relieved of whatever anger was building up, he or she will feel guilt in inflicting pain on another.

Let's be extremely, extremely sparing in our use of criticism.  Only openly criticize when you know the person very well, are not trying to be mean, have a legitimate problem with the person's behavior, and can take the person aside privately.  Don't give a lengthy explanation of why you have a problem with what's going on.  Get to the point!  Be kind. Wait for a response.

If your best friend is trying to preserve her garden's best green beans and skips the step about sterilizing the jars, you must be critical!  You don't want your best friend and her family to get food poisoning!

There are words to say anything you want to say, nicely!  If your best friend is wearing an outfit that makes her look horrible and she asks your opinion, you wouldn't want to say, "Well, you look like a big purple grape!"  You might offer, "Blue is really your best color," and ignore the fact that she is horribly overweight and nothing could make her look slim.  In reality, we need to ignore what doesn't hurt a person!

Taking criticism is even harder.  The first thing we must do when criticized, whether fairly or unfairly, is to LISTEN!  Is this a good criticism?  What can we learn?  Let's don't give a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness!  Let's not be insulted. The person criticizing us probably meant us no harm. Let's talk with the person.  Perhaps we actually could benefit from the criticism.

We don't always have to be right!  We don't want to win all the nitpicking battles and lose the relationship due to unrelenting criticism!

Dear Lord, sometimes we think we know how the world should be run but we're so glad we're responsible for only ourselves!  Help us criticize another if there's no alternative, and then be kind.

A Stitch in Time. . .

Ever heard the old saying, "A Stitch in Time Saves Nine?"  It refers to stitches in fabric which start to ravel out.  If you don't repair the tear ASAP, it will only get worse and you'll have a longer tear.  Having been a professional seamstress for 12 years and a non-professional seamstress beginning at age 15, continuing presently, I can fully attest to the accuracy of that statement.

Sewing for non-family, paying customers taught me an enormous amount about people, sewing, and about myself!  While sewing for the children or myself, I tended to choose the simplest patterns, the easiest to sew.  Customers, however, had no constraints!  They chose what they thought would look good on themselves, no matter what the level of difficulty.  As a result, I learned something new from each and every pattern.  This has been extremely valuable to me.  You name it and it's a sure bet that I've sewn it, up to an including recovering my living room couch (took 2 weeks - I won't do it again!)

My customers were generally very nice ladies but also wanted a standard of excellence which I was only too happy to supply.  There was not one single person which fit the 'bought' patterns exactly.  Alterations had to made on every single person.  That's why they paid me - for the fit!  Also, I worked hard and never missed a deadline (no matter how much sleep I lost!).

Learning to sew gives a person the ability to see how well made (or not) garments are, when shopping for ready-made.  I found that I just don't want to waste money on really cheaply made clothes.  Sometimes I've bought items and feel like I have to just sew all the seams again because they'll start raveling out quickly.

This "stitch in time" advice probably can be applied to anything that needs repairing, whether it be leaky roofs, doors loose on hinges, siding that has blown loose, cabinet pulls that are loose - anything!  We need to do our best to complete the small, aggravating repairs ASAP, before they take more time.

At one time I maintained a mending basket that was eternally full.  I am embarrassed to admit it, but some clothes took me so long to fix that I passed them down to a younger child!  Now, I'm only responsible for myself and manage to quickly repair most things, at least the clothing I love.

What about relationships that are starting to ravel apart?  Can they be repaired?  Yes, yes, yes, if you don't let them 'fester' too long!  If we insult someone, we need to apologize.  If someone has bothered us, we dare not forget about it; we must gently mention it.  We need to know what the other person was thinking.  Odds are, they didn't want to hurt our feelings.

It serves us well to have a mentality that is HEALING, that will try to mend relationships, seek out what is lost, direct someone who has fallen of the right road to get back on.  We dare not ignore hurting in others, particularly those to whom we are the closest.

Dear Lord, is sure takes time and attention to maintain all our 'things' in good working order.  Yet it is far more important to maintain good relationships with EVERYONE!  Please help us be the person who offers to help, the person who is a wonderful LISTENER, the LOVING PERSON, ALWAYS!

Casting Aside

A precious, dear, long-time friend of mine has passed by a golden opportunity for love!  Trudy has been a widow for a number of years.  After Andrew, a friend of both Trudy and her husband, went through a long illness and subsequent death of his wife, he was a widower.  A year passed.  He asked Trudy to lunch one day.  From that time on, Trudy and Andrew dated and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.  They came to deeply care for each other.

One day, Andrew told Trudy the words many women long to hear, "I love you." This rather shocked Trudy.  When she told me, at first, she couldn't speak the words.  She said, "He said the "L" word."  I don't know why she was surprised: wouldn't this be expected?

Trudy thought carefully about this for a matter of weeks.  Andrew wasn't pressuring her for marriage but Trudy definitely saw this on the horizon.  Finally she made her decision.  "Yes, I do love Andrew as he loves me.  He's the best kind of guy there is.  But I won't give up my pension to marry Andrew."

Andrew was extremely disappointed when Trudy relayed to him her decision to never marry again.  They don't date anymore but they remain friendly when they have a chance meeting in the neighborhood.

As her friend, I support Trudy in her decision.  She didn't ask me what I thought and I won't volunteer it to her.  But I feel certain I wouldn't have made the same decision.  Andrew was exactly what Trudy knew him to be, the best kind of guy there is, a gentleman, responsible, hard-working even though himself also retired, healthy, religious, and even good-looking!  I would have chosen love over money!

What about you?

Oh, Lord, the opportunities for genuine love between a woman and a man who are both free to pursue this love in marriage, if they choose, are so rare!  Help us make loving decisions if we are so blessed!

Scooting Along

She was the picture of serenity, just riding that scooter blissfully down the smooth sidewalk.  Never looking from side to side, both legs securely on the scooter, she hardly had to adjust her steering.  The little girl couldn't have been more than eight years old but she definitely was the master of her vehicle. I wish I could have watched her for more than just a glimpse from my passing car.  To be sure, was was not aware of my interest in her.

Do you know any adults who are 'scooting' through life?  There are plenty who are content to stay where they are, never growing, never changing, never thinking life could be any better for them. They are the ones who never go to a meeting unless forced by their employers, join a group, try a new food, even vacation in a different location (if, in fact, they venture to take time off).

These 'adult scooters' are the shy, quiet ones, most conservative and 'stodgy' in the way they dress and act.  They think they are happy to just keep enclosed at home in their very small world of collections or TV sports or classical music or fish or peculiar plants or computer games.  They are AFRAID TO REACH OUT.  

Perhaps in the past they may have been hurt or rejected.  Instead of the normal response of getting back up, psychologically dusting yourself off, and thinking, "It's his (or her) loss.  There's other fish in the sea", the scooter prefers safety.  It must be a small, loveless life.

What can we do to prevent "scooting" in ourselves?  1) Try something new - food, a book recommended by a friend, a movie you wouldn't ordinarily attend, anything!  2) Never be afraid to love!  Be selective who you commit to, for life, but care for the whole world!  3) Keep your brain active and learn new things when the opportunity comes, and 4) Know what's going on in the world, have your own strong opinions, don't be afraid to express them, strongly and gently!  Be your own person!  Like who you are!

What might we do to prevent having children who will grow up to be  "scooters?"  1) Don't squash the creativity in them by doing too much for them, 2) give them chances to make decisions as they grow up, make sure they contribute to the household by little jobs at home as they grow, 3) Give them a rich (not in money), varied life, take them many places, let them meet many kinds of people.  The world is really a safe place, if you're careful where you go, and 4) strictly limit their time watching TV, being on the iPhone, tablets or computers.  You want them to interact with PEOPLE!

Lord in Heaven, one thing is for sure: in creating us humans, You were never a Scooter!  Help us help each other in enjoying the wonderful, loving life you made us for!

Window Dressings

To get anywhere out of my subdivision here in Lexington, Kentucky, U.S.A., I need to avoid the construction on the main way out, Leestown Road, with its long delays.  I most often take a narrow, winding, two-lane road through the fields of a horse farm, Calumet.  It is exactly like all the other famous and lesser-known horse farms here in Fayette County in one aspect.  On the main highway and grand entrance of the farm, Versailles Road, all the fences are bright white.  In the back fields of the farms, the fences are painted black.

There's a reason for this "window dressing."  The white paint does not wear as good nor last as long as the black paint, and it's a lot more expensive.  But it's prettier.  I learned that on a tour of a horse farm once.

In Victorian Times, we see in the movies, families entertained in their "parlors, front rooms."  The absolute best of what they could afford in furniture, stained glass windows, and other furnishing was put into this room to impress all the guests.

This "window dressing," impressing passers-by is still done by retail stores to lure us customers in to buy what they sell.  It seems nearly everyone wants to make a good first impression.

So, what is our personal "window dressing?"  What is the impression folks usually make when they first see us?  Are we consistently neat, friendly, smiling, well-groomed, healthy?  First impressions are formed within milliseconds!  How do we wish to appear to others?

How we dress, fix our hair, our gait (how we walk), how we speak - everything is noticed in a flash!  And we definitely judge the character of a person by what we see.  Is this fair?  Maybe not, but it's how we humans are programmed!

This is precisely one important reason against on-line dating and all the facebook "relationships."  We cannot get any kind of an accurate picture of a real person by what they type about themselves on a computer!  Just yesterday on the news was another reference on TV reporting that "cheating" on facebook is the cause of an incredible number of divorces now.

Be careful who you "friend!"

Dear Lord, help us use all technology to be better persons, help us have relationships with REAL people!

The Other Side of Nasty

In divorce cases, whether or not the Mother of any Children involved is capable of caring for them does not really matter much, in the courts.  If the Mother wants the Children, she usually gets them.  You know and I know that many mothers want the children only for any monetary child support she will get.  Other mothers want them only to keep them from their ex-husbands.  I'm not saying all ex-husbands/fathers are all angels, either.  Many say they want the children only to get back at the ex-wife.

Some courts appoint an advocate for the children.  Wonderful!  They should be priority #1!  What this usually ends up in is "Joint Custody," for better or worse.

Recently I saw a TV discussion of "Why Divorce is so prevalent & so many families are breaking up."  The conclusion was that, in contrast to former times, when a couple's Marriage was primary in their lives, today, children rule!  They are the center of the family, now they even make many of the decisions.

I've seen it happen so many times: "What do you want for dinner, honey?"  Every toy or gadget a child wants is given.  Homework is done with the child and sometimes for the child.  This also is in contrast to behavior in former times when the child's dinner choices involved eating what was served or starving.  Presents were given only on a child's birthday and on Christmas.  The homework was totally the child's.

For years I thought that maybe the modern parents (who listen to so-called 'authorities') were right, maybe the children would turn out better than they did.  Now I know that's wrong.  The children of the past were very much good citizens and and turned out to be good parents.  Their self-esteem wasn't pumped up by being the center of their parents' universe.  Their self-esteem came from achievement, pure and simple, after they were grown-up.

Recent research shows that today's children have extremely high self-esteem BUT - they can't do much of anything for themselves in any area - school, home, relationships.  Shouldn't we see what has worked and DO IT!!!

What I started out to say today, and digressed (sorry!) was that Wives and husbands just need to grow up!  Try your very best in your marriage!  If worse comes to worse, and you divorce, DO NOT SEEK REVENGE, USING THE CHILDREN!!

Once on Behavioral Medicine I had a male patient with severe depression.  He hadn't seen his children since he was divorced.  His ex-wife would not permit it.  This, to me, was extremely nasty, and not in the children's best interest.  He said that he has been right on time with all the child support payments since the divorce.  We counseled him to get a lawyer, go back to court, that he deserved to see his children regularly and they deserved to see him.  This seemed to lift his spirits considerably!

Lord, Lord, when will we learn!! 1) Take our time getting to know a person to whom we intend to marry and have a family, 2) Watch out for temptations in our marriage and 3) Pray for Your help!!

Changing Gears

Did you ever drive a car with a "stick shift?"  Used to be, that's the only way cars and trucks were made!  I imagine none of my grandchildren ever saw, let alone, drove, a car with a stick shift!  It was work!  Every stop, every corner, every big hill up or down, the driver had to push in the "clutch" on the floor and shift with the right hand at the same time.

My mother tried to teach me how to drive with her old '49 Chevy.  The stick shift was hard to operate and only she knew where the gears were.  I didn't catch on and she gave up.  Dad had just bought a '60 Ford with an automatic transmission, and then taught me quickly and easily how to drive.

Several years ago I knew an old man who wanted a new Chevy with a stick shift.  They were no longer made that way so he had to order it custom-made.  He proudly explained, "I want to drive my car, not just point it."  It ended up taking him many months to get his new car because, "Every month or so, the factory would call and ask if I really wanted it." Finally, he got the car.

Personally, I'd rather "point" the car, using the automatic transmission.  I think there are enough distractions on the road without adding another one.

Today, I have changed gears in my life!  It's a small change, from warm-weather life in summer to chilly-weather life in the fall and winter.  Outside temp will be in the 40's tomorrow, so I've turned back on the furnace.  Speaking of old things, I remember when my mother had to shovel coal into the huge furnace in the basement with the big, round spider-like ducts going to the ceiling.  To be able to turn a dial to turn on the gas furnace was a wonderful luxury when we got it!

It's also very rainy and windy.  I don't feel 'stuck' inside.  I love it!  I made a long list of small jobs that are overdue in completing.  I've been busy all day.

At times, there are other major 'gear changes' in our lives - new jobs, getting married, having a child, or having another child. major accident or illness, moving all our stuff to another place, getting fired, having a death in the family, big celebrations like graduations, weddings, and on and on.  At those times, we may just have to sit back and consider the implications on our lives: for better or worse?

We CAN handle all changes, for better or worse!  Sometimes we need the help of family, friends, or professionals, or all of them.  Sometime we ourselves will be on the helping end.  That's life!

Dear Lord, our busy lives are never, ever boring or dull.  We want to do your work and you give us plenty.  Thank you!

Landings

My house is in the flight path of the Bluegrass Airport here in my hometown of Lexington, Kentucky, U.S.A.  There are many flights overhead every day; of most of them I'm unaware.  Someone asked me one time, "How can you stand it!?"  Oh, but I love it!  I see the most interesting of planes from time to time: small, sleek, military jets; huge, historic prop planes; a few small one-engine planes, and the usual array of commercial jets. I love them all!

Every time I'm in a plane landing at my airport, I look out the window at the horse farms below, right across the highway from the airport.  I always try to find my house which is close to a horse farm.  Once I found the lake that is about a half-mile from my house, but I was not quick enough, I could not trace the streets to my house.

At night, the planes' landing lights are extremely bright.  It's neat to see the flashing green light on the right wing tips of the planes and the flashing red light on the left wing tips.

Sometimes if I haven't 'flown' for a while, I wish I was flying when I see a plane overhead.

While growing up in Louisville, Kentucky, our house was also in the flight path of Staniford Field, the Louisville airport.  The military jets were so close above our house (or so it seemed!) we could almost shake hands with the pilots.  And the noise!  The jets were very noisy.  We couldn't talk when one was close.  I don't know the technicalities of how the sound is different now.  The overhead planes are definitely not noisy.

Since the horrible air crash disaster in 2006 here in Lexington, every time I see a plane in the air around our airport, whether ascending from a take-off, or gliding in to a landing, I always say a prayer for safety of that plane and all planes.

Thinking about landings, I feel that, in my retirement, I have actually 'landed.'  I mean that I really like my life very much, I love where I live, I love all my activities, being close to family here and traveling to see family as much as I can.  I love retirement!  I love the challenge of writing and re-learning how to knit. I like setting my own schedule, packing in as much as I dare!

For a church project, I've had to look back on my faith journey.  I've compiled a Health History of our family for my children and grandchildren as well as searching for ancestors.  What fun!  Not all has been happy, my whole life, just like everybody else; I have learned and grown.

Think about your landings.  Are you still en-route to where you want to be?  Plan.  Pray. Take life as it comes and do the best you can.  You will have a few regrets.  But if you learn, it's O.K.  Enjoy.  Relax.  The world is not on our shoulders, just our little piece of it!

Dear Lord, please protect all air travel passengers and all travelers!  Please help us in all the varied 'landings' of our lives!

Instruments of Joy

Are you a fan of Live Music? There's just something about watching musicians perform and listening to live music that is especially satisfying!  Listening to my adult daughter, Carole, play the piano today - just for fun - was a real treat for me.  Although all of my daughters took piano lessons growing up, she's the only one that has stayed with it (also the only one with a piano at home!).

When done well, I enjoy all types of music.  You name it, country, classical, gospel, bluegrass, rock & roll - I enjoy them all.  One time, I thought I would like to learn to play a guitar.  My friend, Sue, loaned me her guitar, and another friend, Mary Lou, loaned me her learn-to-play-the-guitar books.  Then I realized that to play the guitar effectively, a person would develop 'calluses' on their fingers.  And I was an organist/pianist at church.  I didn't want to diminish what I knew how to do fairly well to try something that would take years to learn.  So I returned the guitar to Sue; Mary Lou didn't want her books.

Two Christmases ago, I was fortunate to hear a live performance of Handel's "Messiah" at Christmastime.  It is given somewhere in town every year, but I don't want anything to be so familiar I won't enjoy it.  I originally sung in my high school choir and learned it.  So many years had passed since I heard the last "Messiah" concert that it was nearly totally fresh to me.  It was so beautiful, tears came to my eyes.  The experience was actually pleasurable to my ears!  It was perfect!

What about us - you and me?  Can we consider that we, ourselves, are "Instruments of Joy?"  Do we spread joy everywhere we go with our positive attitude, hard work, acceptance, lack of gossip, encouragement, and LOVE?  Just like good music bringing unmeasurable joy, we can bring joy also!

Lord, we ask You to bring out the very, very best in us!  Never let us be too tired, too sad, too anything, to notice the persons we're with, and spread Your immense happiness and love!