Finders Keepers! (Spouse Qualities #1: Integrity)

In the news recently was a homeless man who had spotted a wallet with quite a bit of money. He found it directly across from a hotel and returned it there. The wallet belonged to a guest; both the guest and the hotel were extremely grateful.  They rewarded the honest man with a stay in the hotel plus a cash reward.  Obviously, the gentleman could have easily helped himself to the cash but he didn't.  He chose to do the right thing.

When visiting Detroit several years ago one December with daughter #8, Jeannie, and her husband, Fielding, we were stopped downtown all of a sudden, in traffic.  An army of police cars went flashing by us with sirens blasting, and stopped several blocks ahead.  Several helicopters circled overhead.  We sat for about 45 minutes and wondered what was going on until traffic cleared.  Then we went on to our destination, an island in the river flowing through Detroit.  The park was quite interesting and we enjoyed watching the ice floes float down the partially frozen river.

Later that night, we listened to the local news and discovered what had happened.  The Mayor of Detroit was arrested for taking secret trips with his mistress to South America with city money!  It was painful to watch his wife's reaction to the affair.  No one has to cheat on his or her spouse!  He chose to do it!  No one has to steal from their job.  He chose to do it!

Do you know anyone who 'fudges' on their income tax?  It is STEALING, plain and simple!  Why muddy your conscience for a few dollars?  Why muddy your conscience for a few thrills in cheating?

A clear conscience is a treasure you create for yourself by doing the right thing. Everyone is tempted, make no mistake about it!  WE CHOOSE to do the right thing or the wrong thing.  If you have a clear conscience, you consistently choose to do right and avoid evil; you have INTEGRITY.  This is one of the primary qualities to both create in ourselves and look for in a spouse.

A clear conscience makes it a whole lot easier to fall asleep at night!  Let's all pray for graces from God to help us always and in every circumstance, do the right thing!

Trust #1: New App Available

Situation:  You've just seen on the news today a new App available for your phone (this is true!).  Buy it and you can track a person (your spouse, your teen - anybody) anywhere they go, 24/7.  You also can listen in on their phone conversations and read their e-mails.  What about that new class your spouse is taking?  Is he or she really taking the class?  Or is there cheating going on?  What about your teen?  Is he or she really working all those hours?  What about momma with Alzheimer's disease?  This might be useful to check if she leaves her house when she's not supposed to.

Wow, isn't technology great!  Let's examine each relationship separately.

Spouses:  The basic expectation of any marriage must be TRUST.  You must have implicit trust that your spouse will always tell the truth to you and have your best interests at heart, and your spouse must do the same.  If a situation happens that is questionable, you will always feel comfortable discussing it with your spouse first.  You will believe your spouse.  Say that your spouse is late returning from work.  You'll think first, "Traffic must be worse than usual" or "She must have had to work a few minutes late" or "I bet he stopped at Wal-mart for . . . You won't think, "He must be out with that pretty secretary" or "I know she stopped off for a drink with that salesman."  You will always think the best!  The thoughtful spouse will let the other person know if a late return is likely.

FYI: a co-habiting relationship automatically declares Total Lack of Trust:  I'm not sure you're the right person for me or we would be married; I want to be able to leave quickly without 'strings.'

The Teenager:  Here trust also needs to occur.  If one of our teens works hard and gets fairly good grades at school, is respectful at home, and has friends of whom we would approve, why would we want to not trust that teen?  It is the teen who is "problematic," namely, who is lazy, disrespectful, unkempt, and has 'wild' friends that we may need to get into counseling and supervise more closely.  I doubt if getting the tracking app would be of any help.  Of course, we need to be good parents starting from the day the child is conceived, but a blog is not a place to consider this.

Dementia patients:  If a parent definitely has dementia, total supervision is necessary at all times.  A tracking app would not assure safety.

Lessons learned:  It's up to each of us to trust.  Sometimes it's hard. Other times, we may get shocked and 'get burned.'  But what's the alternative?: a life of paranoia?  What do you think about this?  Young people, you probably trust too much! But, don't worry: you will learn with all your relationships: trust slowly.

Our Take-away:  Our trust in other people is allied with our trust in God.  Do we trust God that he has our best interests at heart even though 'bad' things happen to us in life?  Do we know, beyond a doubt, that God will bring good out of everything that happens to us?  We could all trust more and be more trustworthy ourselves.  Let's pray to God for more trust!

Crazy!

Background: Perhaps we use the word, crazy, too generically. We are 'crazy' about your new outfit.  We are 'crazy' about chocolate, cream-filled doughnuts.  And, look at that 'crazy' homeless person over there; how dirty can a person get!  Or, did you see her 'crazy' daughter; she looks like she's from another planet.

I suggest that we find other terms, especially in reference to people.  I cannot convey to you the tremendous hurt that mentally handicapped people feel when others, usually from their own families, call them, 'crazy.'  They know they're different.  They want to be normal, just like everyone else, but they can't.

Situation:  Thelma was a new admit on our behavioral medicine unit.  I was a new nurse and it was Thanksgiving Day.  Thelma scared me.  She was big, fat, muscular, dirty, and had a menacing scowl at all times.  The staff had put her in a room by herself because, they said, she always bothered the other patients.  They also said that during one admission, Thelma jumped over the counter at the nurses' station to attack a nurse. Thelma had a brain disease called 'schizophrenia.'

In schizophrenia, a person's brain cells are actually arranged helter-skelter, not in the organized pattern of well persons.  Therefore, they actually do live in a different world, especially when they are without their medicine.  Persons with schizophrenia may see things that are not there, hear voices in their heads, have strange sensations on their skin.  Most of these hallucinations are terrifying to the patient.  The medicines usually greatly help the patients.  The problem lies in the reality that many of the patients don't take their medicines after leaving the hospital because they don't think they're sick.  Research shows that it takes an average of seven admissions to convince these patients that they may be sick.

Well, on that Thanksgiving Day, I was determined that I would try to see that Thelma had a pleasant day.  The hospital had prepared a special dinner for patients and we staff could eat with them in their dining room on that day.  Thelma was my patient so I went to her room and bravely invited her to dinner.  Thelma shyly said, "No, I don't have any clothes.  My family just dumped me here."  I responded, "OK, Thelma, I'll bring your dinner in here to you."

As I went to get plenty of food for Thelma, it occurred to me that Thelma shouldn't have to eat alone.  So I brought trays for both Thelma and myself to her room and sat opposite her.  She was neither pleased nor displeased that I had joined her.  She picked up the cloth napkin and asked, "What's this?"  I held up mine and told her, "That's a napkin.  You can put it on your lap like this and then when you're finished you can wipe your face and hands."  Thelma proceeded to hungrily shove every crumb in her mouth but wouldn't take seconds.

As a nurse, I was supposed to talk to Thelma to assess her condition, her thoughts and mood.  This was the perfect time.  I asked her about her living conditions.  Thelma reported, "My family made me a one-room cabin at the back of the farm.  A nice neighbor man brings me wood for the stove. My family doesn't want to see me."  My heart really went out to Thelma!  She might have come in mad but now she was very sad.

Lessons learned:  You know the saying, "Walk in mile in my shoes."  Perhaps we should try extra hard to be kind to those who are different, mentally handicapped or otherwise.

Outcome:  After several days, Thelma was well enough to return home.  I didn't see her leave but knew she would return in the future.

No Time for Pain?

Remember that TV commercial for headache pills, "You don't have time for the pain!"?  All kinds of pain are certainly an inevitable part of our lives.  Physical pain, emotional hurts, we naturally would like to avoid all pain.  Most of us would not want to deliberately cause pain to another.  Is there any value to pain?

First, I'm thinking of physical pain.  There definitely is value in knowing a part of the body is not working properly!  It is our early alert: something has gone wrong - do something!!  As a nurse, I've known so many patients that ignored pain, sometimes severe pain, and the condition got worse, at times, life-threatening.

I've also cared for plenty of patients attempting to recover from surgery who apparently thought it was 'heroic' to not take pain medicine.  The nursing goal is to have our patients pain-free.  So we frequently ask them about their level of pain.  Some of them could hardly stand the pain and, through clenched teeth and facial grimaces, reported, "I'm fine."  We always told them, "you'll heal better if you're pain-free."  My dear dad, Reuben, observed, "It's not too bad if they just rearrange the parts.  But if they take out a part, it's worse."

For physical pain, the nurse in me tells you, if it is minor, tolerate it for a few hours and see if it goes away.  Don't take over-the-counter analgesics at every twinge because all medicines have side effects and also, your body may develop a toleration for certain medicines and then they will not be as effective.  Try non-pharmacologic methods first:  apply heat, lay down and relax, perhaps massage the affected area.

Years before I thought of becoming a nurse, I had migraine headaches.  I just thought they were bad headaches; I had never heard of 'migraine.'  So I would take two aspirins, mix coke and vanilla ice cream for a coke float and drink it, close the bedroom curtains, put a wet washcloth over my eyes and lie down for several hours.  It always worked.  Then after a few years I didn't notice such bad headaches anymore.  These days, you can buy over-the-counter medicines with aspirin or tylenol plus caffeine.

Mental pain or emotional pain is quite different.  All the medicines in the world may only make the situation worse.  We have to face whatever is causing the pain and do our best to resolve it, if possible. We may just have to learn to live with the pain.  Every situation and every relationship is unique.

Several days ago, I recalled a conversation I was part of months ago.  In it, I'm sad to say, I really ripped apart a dear friend of mine, in front of others, even though every word I said was true. Not a word was said by the other person.  Now it occurs to me how really brutal I was and I feel terrible about this.  I will have to sincerely and deeply apologize - tonight!  What value was that encounter?  Well, it got things out in the open that needed to be addressed.  But I went about it in the wrong way.  I just blurted out what we were all thinking.  But I didn't need to be hurtful.  I console myself with the thought that usually, I'm mellow and non-confrontational.

This afternoon at church, I found a small pamphlet, "Meditation."  Here's the part about pain.  Imagine this is Jesus, talking personally to you: "Do you dread something painful?  Is there in your soul a vague fear which seems unreasonable, and yet torments you?  Trust fully in My providence. I am here, I see everything; I will not leave you."  I wanted to share that with you.  Peace!

Fountain Ferry

Fountain Ferry Park was an amusement park in the west end of Louisville, Kentucky, U.S.A., on the Ohio River.  From the time I was 11 or 12 years old, I could safely travel ANYWHERE is the city by bus, by myself.  Sometimes a girlfriend and I would take the bus there together and spend the day.  Other times, we would take the buses separately - if she lived in a different neighborhood - and meet at Fountain Ferry.  The park was old, the roller coasters were about as wild as we could tolerate, and the park was never crowded, in the 1950s.  One of our very favorite rides was the big giant spinning wooden bowl. We'd climb in, it would start, spin faster and faster, and we'd end up, by centrifugal force, plastered on the sides for the rest of the ride. We never failed to get in the bowl.

We could also roller skate. Then later on a hot summer day, we'd just sit and sip lemonade on a bench and watch the families stroll by. Keep in mind: no air conditioning anywhere at this time!  The 1950s were a very benign time, very safe for nearly everyone in the country, at most times, as far as I was aware.

Frequently I would take the bus by myself to buy a piece of music recommended by my first piano and organ teacher, Miss Mary Treitz.  I'd bus downtown to Shackleton's on Fourth Street.  The store always had what I needed.  Another favorite place was the main public library.  I knew every nook and cranny.  The book or journal I sought was always there.  These bus trips around the city always involved transferring to another bus line.  Closer to downtown, I had to wait on corners I later found out was in the poorer section.  It was always safe.

Once in a while my Granny, Marie, and I would take the bus downtown for shopping and lunch at the Blue Boar cafeteria.  What a treat!  She let me choose whatever I wanted.

When I married in 1963 and we ended up in the very small town of Danville, Kentucky, in 1969, the world was still safe.  The oldest four of my children walked about a mile and a half to their elementary school until around the late 1970s.  I think that's when the random child kidnappings started.

The local school board immediately required all children to ride the bus or be dropped off by a parent, and the same for the trip home.  That's when the fear started.  Even as a child, I was taught to never talk with strangers but now it was more: strangers could be aggressive.

Could we ever regain that innocence, feeling of protection, lack of fear of past years?  What happened to lose it?  This is not a simple issue.  Back in the '50s, '60s, and '70s, nearly all mothers stayed home in the neighborhoods. Now that has changed.  I don't have too many answers or ideas but I remember that the courts started going to great lengths to make sure the rights of criminals were respected and generally forgot about victims.  Perhaps we just need to keep a more watchful oversight of who our judges are, and also what's going on in the courts and legislatures.  We need God to keep 'shedding his grace' on America!  Just ask him!

Raised by the Culture

During my recent trip to Israel and Rome, I heard the comment several times, "You Americans are just too busy!"  At first, our tour group found it difficult to sit down and enjoy a meal lasting at least two hours - that didn't start till nearly 8 p.m. The first evening, we thought the plentiful display of appetizers was the main course.  We were full and finished.  Then the servers brought out several meats, then came the pasta dish, then, the desserts!  One night we even met the ancient cook who had handmade the pasta!  We were not used to the slower, more genteel way of life.  (Please see my travel blog account of this trip, October 21 through November 3, 2013 at www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com.

Our extreme busyness in our quest to "do it all" or "be all you can be" may be a partial explanation for our downright neglect of our young people's moral upbringing. Now, in this dire economy, some may be working harder just to make ends meet; you do what you have to do.

Our young people - all the ones in school and the young adults - have more clothes and toys than ever before, so much so, many of them are bored.  Yet they spend an inordinate amount of time watching TV, surfing on the internet, texting with their I-phones, and listening to what they call 'music.'  This is the influence of "the Culture."

Who is teaching them morals?  Not parents, most are too busy.  What kind of morals do children have if they're raised by the TV?  The morals that an old granny like me would call too liberal and too loose.  They are extremely tolerant - of everything short of murder, if you don't mention abortion.  Then they're tolerant of everything. Mind you, most young people know abortion involves killing an unborn baby, but they don't want to 'impose their morality on anyone else.'  What about the baby?

Many young people go with the popular culture and have very low standards of sexual behavior.  The highest feeling is that sex is OK anytime, any place, with the person of your choice, just one person at a time.  There is no right and no wrong.  This is called Relativism.  Relativism ignores all the tragedies that occur because of that loose behavior: the S.T.D.s, the sterility, the abuse, the pornography, etc.

And where are our churches in all this?  Recent church attendance statistics show only 17% to 24% of Americans attend church regularly.  If the parents expect the church to teach their children morals, the church can't attempt to do this if the family does not come at least on Sundays.

Youngsters under 40 years of age have no memory of the time in America where every adult 'protected' children from knowledge of evil, until they were almost adults.  The culture of the day said that children deserved a good childhood.  Movies weren't rated, but, if they were, the ratings would all be "G."  Curse words were not permitted on television.  In ads for every media, women were modestly dressed.  Girls were not permitted (and none of us cared about it anyway) to use make-up until they were in 9th grade.  We were protected but still told what was right and what was wrong.

What happened?  The combination of courts inventing rights of privacy, allowing rampant pornography, the "Playboy" culture that valued women and girls as sex objects, the extreme feminist agenda, Vietnam and the drug availability, quick and easy no-fault divorces and, probably the most important, good people just watching it happen.

Is this all Gloom and Doom and Hopelessness?  Hardly.  I see more and more young people looking for moral behavior for the right reasons.  While my generation didn't have sex before marriage because we were terrified of embarrassing ourselves and our parents by getting pregnant and not married, many young people today are remaining virgins and dressing modestly because it is the right thing to do. We need to do our part to encourage this, whether it is voting for politicians with high family values, modeling that staunch good moral behavior ourselves, and being a witness at church.  God loves us and will help us in everything, if we but ask.

The "Work" in Relationships

Being friends with someone involves "give" and "take" from both persons.  If one person is doing all the giving and the other is taking all, it is NOT a relationship.  This is not easy whether it is a friendship or a marriage.

It is disturbing to witness or hear about married couples dividing up the housework, trying for a 50% balance.  You do your half and I'll do my half.  It never quite works out that way. It's easier if both persons are so in love they want to give 100%.  Sometimes one will do all the giving, at other times the other person will do all the giving.  And then they might help each other and it works out that both are finished with the work at the same time.

I thought of these things at church this morning.  Over the years, I've heard so many people say, "I don't get anything out of church."  They expect to be entertained at church.  But the purpose of church attendance is not to enjoy great music or powerful sermons or to have lots of friends or to show off your new clothes.  The reason to go to church is to worship God.  Another reason to go to church regularly is to give witness.  We go to increase our faith, to learn about our faith, and to share our faith.

What are some of the things we might do to 'get closer' to God?  We could try our best to focus on the heart of our worship and avoid distractions.  This is hard but we can always do better.  Some people can concentrate better if they just listen to The Word.  I seem to need to both read and hear all the readings.  In addition, we could try to prepare our hearts ahead of time for what is about to happen in our worship.   It helps to be in a faith-sharing group, to talk with others about what is important to us. And, think about your prayer life.  How could this improve?  The Bible says, "Pray always."

Our God gave his all for us and still continues to give 100% to us.  He very much loves us and wants a relationship with us.  It is up to us to respond to this wonderful love.  Are we willing to give our ALL to God?  This relationship, in the end, is the ONE that matters the most!!

The Invisible Uncle

Situation:  My grandma, Marie, and her sister, my Aunt Hon, had a younger brother.  Lawrence was "the black sheep" of the family.  Lawrence was an alcoholic.  All I ever heard them say about their brother was put-downs: "Lawrence doesn't work."  "Lawrence just drinks."  "I don't know why Lil (grandpa's sister) bothers to feed him.  He just goes back and drinks."  Obviously, Lawrence was a total embarrassment to the family.

Lawrence was not welcome at family events and Lawrence never came.  I don't know what would have happened if he had showed up for anything.  I never once saw Lawrence in my life.  I figure he must have died before my grandma or aunt, but I never heard about it.

Lessons learned:  As an adult, I've known plenty of reformed alcoholics, those who had a problem, went to A.A., and quit drinking for good.  I've known a few who wouldn't admit they were alcoholics.  As a nurse, I helped detox many of them.  And most of those returned again and again.

I've also heard forever that "alcoholism is a disease."  I know that there is a genetic component to this, an inherited gene that 'predisposes' a person to alcoholism.  Then there are professionals that theorize alcoholism (or any substance-abuse problem, for that matter) is strictly a behavioral disorder, a coping mechanism.

I checked the U.S. Census data: Lawrence was born in 1895, so he was not the younger brother, he was the older brother!  I'm sure that in his lifetime, there was no such thing as psychological counseling for ordinary folks.  So Lawrence suffered!  Lawrence never married, at least it was never mentioned. 

When I was growing up, dad would give me a small shot of straight whiskey for a cough or sore throat.  It tasted like liquid fire!  I don't know how anyone could come to love this!  I prefer a small amount of wine, myself, maybe a couple of times a year, for special occasions.

What have I learned in all this?  Perhaps we should be compassionate about all those in our families who don't quite fit in.  Maybe they're doing the best they can do.  I pray to God that Lawrence, my invisible great uncle, is at peace now.

 

Words as Knives

Situation:  Tiffany and Frank have been having marital problems for all of their married lives.  Tiffany just hung on, thinking that if she could be a better person, have a better figure, keep the house cleaner, be as quiet as possible, that Frank would show his love for her.  Now the kids are teenagers and things between them have become, well, unbearable.

While Frank has always, since after the wedding, been very cold to her, Tiffany learned to deal with it.  Tiffany told herself, "I guess I'm just over-sexed."  Frank is now increasingly short-fused, angry, not only with Tiffany, but also with the children.  Always and forever putting her down, Frank has now started to criticize the children's every move.  He can never talk to any of them without getting them into tears.

Tiffany didn't have much education and thought that abuse involved beating someone up.  When "Domestic Violence" first was an item in the news, Tiffany knew: she was being abused.  But it was only herself taking the verbal beatings, day after day.  She told herself that she was a strong person, that what she heard as as child was true, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me."

One night, things took a turn for the worse.  Frank was lying on the couch, watching TV.  Tiffany just poked her head into the living room to see what was on TV.  Frank shouted out, nastier than she had ever heard him, "You're a lousy mother!"  Tiffany didn't know what to say.  Frank had never said this before.  She was crushed to her heart.  Of all the things in her life, Tiffany had tried her very best to raise her children.  She was so proud of them!  They all did well in school.

Lessons learned:  Fortunately, it's out in the open: hitting someone is abuse, threatening someone is abuse, cutting people up with words is also abuse, verbal abuse.  Abuse can also be financial and sexual.  Abuse is ALWAYS WRONG!  The victims don't cause abuse.  The abuser has made a conscious decision to abuse!  Another thing out in the open: ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES!!  In time, the abuse will get worse.

Any victim of abuse needs help.  The physical abusers are overwhelmingly men; it makes sense that they are stronger and can do this.  Other types of abusers may be male or female.  The bottom line is: once you recognize you are being abused, get help!

Since many victims of abuse hide the abuse, hoping it will go away, it is difficult for an onlooker to recognize this abuse.  If you suspect abuse, indeed, medical professionals are taught to recognize the signs of abuse, talk to the victim and see if you might help.

To my way of thinking, the worst fallout from an abuse situation is that, by witnessing this abuse, children are taught how to abuse and how to be victims.  The violence is passed down to another generation.

Outcome:  This final insult gave Tiffany the strength to leave the marriage.  When she had informed Frank that she was leaving him and the date of the court hearing, she told him, "I thought about this for years, then when you told me I was a lousy mother, I made a list."  She showed him the list.  On one side of the paper was "Reasons to stay in the marriage."  These included: 1) Divorce is against our religion, 2) I don't know if we could survive financially with two households, 3) none of our family or friends know we're having problems, 4) it would be hard on the children, and 5) it would be a shock to the community.

On the other side of the paper, opposite "Reasons to stay in the marriage" was the column, "Reasons to leave." There was one sentence opposite each of the five reasons to stay, "When I see you, I SEE PAIN."

After the divorce, Tiffany had nightmares about Frank's abuse for months.  In time, the nightmares were less frequent.  Finally, they went away.  This was one of the divorces in which everyone benefited, even Frank, although he would never admit it.  He hated being married. 

Our Take-away on this:  If we recognize abuse, the least we could do would be to be very kind and suggest counseling.  To educate yourself on Domestic Violence, please refer to this blog, Sunday, August 3, 2013, "Very, very important recommendation."  The book will help everyone deal with abuse. 

God wants us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  This includes educating ourselves on how we can help!

Dancing Around

Situation:  This could happen between any two adults, any relationship, either or both sexes.  It's High Holiday Season in America, and we like to attend lots of parties and family gatherings.  Gretchen wants to be invited to her friend, Karen's, Christmas party.  Last year, Gretchen came to Karen's party and behaved poorly.  Karen has no intention of inviting her again - ever.  Yet Karen doesn't want to hurt Gretchen's feelings.

They were both telling me their plans for the holidays, separately.  I must be a good listener!  Rule #1 of a good listener: never, ever pass on negative information about anybody to anybody!  Mother always told me: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."  It has served me well.

Here's what I learned.  Last year, Gretchen and her date came to Karen's party late, brought Karen's giant dog, Toby, stayed too late and ended up more than slightly inebriated (drunk).  This was a total embarrassment to Karen, not to mention the aggravation of the dog which was not well-behaved.

Gretchen asked Karen, "What do you want me to bring to your party this year, Karen?  Chips and dip?  My famous cookie tower?"  Karen waffled around a bit, "I'm not sure I'm having it this year, Gretchen.  We've had a couple of family problems and I think I'll just wait a while to decide."  Meanwhile, Karen is going full tilt buying new decorations and planning the food. And Gretchen doesn't know whether to plan on going to the party or not.  Gretchen mentioned to me, "I think Karen insulted me but I'm not sure.  She said she hadn't decided on having her usual Christmas party this year.  I already know three people who are going!"

Most of us hate unpleasant confrontations and will go out of our way to avoid them.  It is very, very hard to be assertive.  What is assertive?  In plain language, being assertive is saying what you need to say nicely.  In contrast, being passive  is just avoiding the issue entirely and not doing a thing.  Being aggressive is being a bully, forcing your way to get what you want. It's hard to be assertive, depending on your personality!

Lessons learned: How could this particular problem between Karen and Gretchen have been avoided?  First, Karen knew Gretchen took her pet everywhere.  She could have mentioned in a conversation before the party last year that no one was allowed to bring a pet to the party.  Or she could have stopped Gretchen at her front door: "Oh, I'm sorry, Gretchen, some people have allergies.  You'll need to take Toby home."  In addition, last year  Karen could have noticed Gretchen was drinking too much and told her, "I don't want you to get sick.  That's enough, dear."  The Best Time to be assertive is immediately when the problem occurs.  If you let it drag on, the other person will think you accept their behavior.

Outcome:  Unknown, so far.  If I hear what happens at the party, I'll let you know!  It's so great we put so much effort into our holidays.  Let's try not to forget why we celebrate them: whether Christian or Jewish or Muslim, most holidays have a large religious theme, you know, "Keep Christ in Christmas!

The Football Player and the Pizza

Background:  Growing up in the '40s & '50s, everyone was expected to marry and raise children, the more, the better.  Parents' jobs were to prepare their children for this.  As I married in 1963 and started to birth those delightful little angels, I formulated a concrete, practical plan, a list of tasks they would have to complete in order to succeed after they graduated from high school.

The children needed to know how to manage money well.  This was my husband's particular gift.  They all had part-time jobs in high school.  We took them to church weekly to get them used to practicing their faith.  They saw us faithfully vote in every election.

They had to have some experience in child care.  No problem, there was always a baby.  Then when daughter #8, Jeannie, was a teenager, she had nieces and nephews to look after occasionally.  To survive, they would have to be able to shop and cook basic meals: hamburgers, pizzas (made with dough, yeast, etc.), cakes from a mix, and their favorite chocolate chip cookies from scratch.

Situation:  Carole, daughter #2, was 16 years old and had zero interest in cooking.  I told her, "Hon, it's time you learned how to make pizzas.  You can make them for dinner tonight.  I'll help get you started."  Carole snapped, "Oh, no, I won't.  I don't need to know that. Forget it!"  I emphasized, "Oh, yes, YOU WILL!  Get started."  So she did.

I wouldn't judge those first pizzas as "world class," but they were good enough for everyone to gobble up at dinner that night.  From then on, Carole took her turn making pizzas until she graduated from high school and went away to the University of Kentucky in the big city of Lexington, Kentucky.

Within two years, Carole was out of the dorms and living with her sister, Cathy, daughter #3, in a small apartment close to the university.  One afternoon I answered a frantic phone call from Carole.  "Mom, quick, give me the pizza recipe.  I'm having a football player over for dinner tonight and I want to make a pizza."  The recipe was so simple, I knew it from memory and recited it.

The next afternoon, I got another phone call from Carole.  "Thank you, thank you, thank you, mom, for making me make pizzas. He loved it and ate the whole thing!"

Lessons learned:  It's not often that a parent receives "thanks" from a child!  We do what we have to do, for their benefit, whether they particularly like it or not, and whether they like us or not.  If you're a parent, make your own list of what your children need to learn before they leave home.  If you plan on having children someday, keep this in mind. Believe me, raising children is the most fulfilling experience you could ever imagine!

Outcome:  Today Carole has four healthy children of her own.  She will host our family Thanksgiving Dinner next week for perhaps twenty guests.  And she will tell us which side dishes to bring!  Praise you, Lord, and thank you, for daughters and sons and grandchildren!

Carole's Yummy Pizzas  (makes two)

1 package active dry yeast

1 1/4 cups warm water (good to use a cooking thermometer, 110 to 115 degrees)

3 1/2 to 4 cups all-purpose flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

Toppings

  Sprinkle the yeast on warm water in a medium-sized bowl, stir until dissolved.  Add 2 cups of the flour and the salt.  Mix thoroughly.  Slowly stir in the remaining flour.  Dump onto a lightly floured board.  Knead (push, pull, fold all areas) until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes.  You want to add as little flour as you can so the dough won't stick to the board or your hands.

  Put the dough ball into another bowl that is greased with shortening.  Turn it over to make sure the top is also greased.  Cover this bowl with a kitchen towel.  Let it rise in a warm place until the dough is twice as big, about 30 minutes.  To check if the dough is doubled, stick one or two fingers into the dough quickly; if the imprint stays, the dough is doubled.

  Place the dough on your floured board again.  Knead just enough to get rid of any bubbles.  Cut the dough in half.  Roll both pieces of dough into 11-inch circles.  You can stretch the dough with your fingers if you don't have a rolling pin.  Put the dough onto two 12-inch pizza pans.

Toppings

  Spread half of a 16-oz can of tomato/pizza sauce over each pizza dough.  Add your favorite toppings: One pound of either cooked drained hamburger or sausage, other meat such as chicken, pepperoni, or ham strips, any combination of chopped vegetables such as onions, green peppers, mushrooms,etc.

  Finish off your pizzas by sprinkling over approximately 1 1/2 cups of shredded mozzarella/pizza cheese.

  BAKE in a preheated 450 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes.  Halfway through the cooking, switch pizzas in the over quickly so they brown the same. Yum!

Note:  This crust is like the real pizzas in Italy.  The natives like thin crusts.  In Italy, they put a little bit of meat, tons of veggies with just a small amount of tomato sauce and a small amount of cheese.

The Hope Chest: A True Story and a Commentary

My mother, Adeline, was given a beautiful Lane hope chest by her parents when she was sixteen years old. For the young people who have never heard of a 'hope chest,' here's what it is: a large wooden chest, lined with cedar inside, into which a young unmarried woman would store things, especially linens, in preparation for her marriage.  Mother's had a fancy inlaid wood pattern.  When I was growing up, mother stored our woolen blankets in it, in the hot summertime.  Cedar would kill the moths that might try to eat up the wool.  Mother told me that she would get me a hope chest someday, but when I was sixteen, we both had forgotten about it.  No young person I know has a hope chest.  They're not even advertised anymore. "Lane" was a company that made furniture of very good quality.

Fast forward to the year 2010.  My mother passed away in 2002, then dad followed in 2003.  When my brothers and I were dividing their possessions, I noticed there was no hope chest but I never thought about it again.  Then in 2010, my dear brother, Steve, died after a valiant two-year battle with leukemia.  After his funeral in Wisconsin, my sister-in-law, Pam, asked me, "Do you want your mother's hope chest?"  What a pleasant surprise!  "Oh, yes," I happily answered.  Pam and Steve took the chest along with other furniture when mom and dad had one of their yard sales.  It was stored in a shed, fairly dusty, but in good shape.  We cleaned it off but could not open it as the lock was jammed. It fit neatly across the back seat of my car, upside down.

The chest sat unopened for several weeks.  Then I accidentally pushed the lock forward and it opened immediately!  Nothing was inside except several packets of potpourri and folded napkins.  The outside of the chest was fairly well scratched but cleaned up nicely with furniture polish.  The inside looked brand new! I am very pleased that this reminder of my parents, a chest now 78 years old, sits at the end of my bed.  What do I keep in it? My linens!

My understanding of colonial times was that a young woman could not just go and buy what she would need for marriage, even if the family could afford to do so.  She would get fabric and embroider her initials (monogram) on the sheets and pillowcases she made.  This would serve her for many years.

What about young women today?  Or the young men?  Is there any preparation for marriage?   I don't know of one young person that has a hope chest.  At least there is still the practice of giving bridal showers before the wedding.  And there are the couples that co-habit before marriage and really don't need anything to set up housekeeping.  (They miss so much by doing this - we'll address this in a future blog.)

How then, should a young person prepare for marriage?  Perhaps the most important would be to develop those qualities that would promote a happy, lengthy marriage: self-discipline, honesty, flexibility, generosity, caring, religious practices, wise spending habits, patience, a good work ethic, and the usual how to cook and clean house.

I heard a conversation among several college students.  "What would be the best major for a young woman to give her the best background to raise children?"  "Home Economics."  "Elementary Education."  "Nursing."  Nothing was decided.  It certainly takes a broad education to raise children!

My church has extensive marriage preparation for engaged couples..  The couple can attend a series of meetings or go for one weekend of lectures and conferences.  It is yet to be determined if this has any effect on the divorce rate, but surely, it might help some couples.

One thing is sure: with a 50% divorce rate in the United States, something must change!  We need to do more to promote the family!!  Instead, in our quest for 'freedom of choice' and 'rights' for every group, we are ripping apart every semblance of family life.  I don't have the answers.  I just want to do my part to promote healthy relationships.

The Bully Girl

Situation:  When my deceased brother, Steve, was a young college student in the mid-'60s, he dated a number of women.  He liked one enough to ask her to marry him.  We in the family thought she was rather dull and unfriendly but we were prepared to like her because she was his choice.

Her attitude towards Steve changed dramatically after Steve presented her with the engagement ring.  She got a little 'life' in her and started telling Steve what to do.  After a couple of months, Steve found himself driving her family everywhere.  "Oh, Steve, dear, Mom needs to go - - -.  Would you mind driving her."  "Oh, Steve, dear, my brother needs to go - - -.  Would you mind driving him?"  Steve hardly had time to do homework and work at his part-time job at J.C. Penneys.

Well, Steve tired of this very quickly.  There may have been other issues.  Steve ended the engagement and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Lessons learned:  Steve was wise to not jump into marriage too quickly.  The young lady obviously felt she 'owned' Steve and he didn't want to be owned.

It's a good practice to consult God when you're contemplating a new marriage, new job, any new life change.  God loves us and will help us see the reality of our situations, if only we ask!

Outcome:  After several years, Steve found a delightful young woman, Pam, and they were married many years.

The Old Maid and the Old Maid Man

Situation:  Oliver, a mid-thirties gentleman of my acquaintance, had given up on marriage.  He was short and plump, with thinning hair and just didn't seem to attract any women. Oliver was as kind and gentle as they come, and fun to boot!

It's not a habit of mine to be a match-maker, but I had my friend, Oliver, and my friend, Geneva, who was also mid-thirties, short and plump, with lovely long hair.  So I conspired to get them together.  I arranged for them to attend a concert with me and my husband (at that time).

Understand, I believe that God puts people in our paths that are good for us but also prevents people from encountering us if it is not good for us.  There is no force on earth that can counter this!  I've seen and heard from others that unexpected weather, especially, changes plans dramatically.  We talked about this at Bible study last Thursday.

Oliver and Geneva knew who each other were, and both looked forward to the concert. It was not to happen!  The concert was cancelled the night before it was scheduled!  In the weeks to come, there were no events that the four of us could attend.

Outcome:  Several weeks later, Oliver met Joanne at the doctor's office.  Joanne was beautiful, also mid-thirties and not married.  They hit it off right away!  A year or so later and I was overjoyed to come to their lovely wedding.  Looking back, Joanne was really a better match for Oliver, as far as education and family background was concerned.  I pray, God, you were right!

By the end of the year, Geneva had also met her future husband.  I was very pleased to attend their lovely wedding.  Looking back, they were also much better suited for each other.  God, I pray, of course, you were right again.

Lessons learned:  Sometimes I think God 'primes' us for something important by giving us new experiences. My guess is that God wanted Oliver and Geneva to know that they were, in fact, fine people to be married.  Then when their future spouses came along, they were confident and ready.  What do you think?

Running From Work

Situation:  Neil was a big shot.  He was an entertainer, a comedian, working part-time, whenever he could get a 'gig' at a party.  Mary Rose was a 19-year-old college student who met him at a party.  Neil was older, sophisticated, tall and good looking.  He had worked in New York and was a 'very big deal.'  Compared to the 'boys' Mary Rose had dated in her home town, Neil was the Knight on the Big White Horse.

Mary Rose fell instantly in love (instantly in surge of hormones??) with Neil.  Mary Rose was also different than the skanky females who Neil had previously dated.  She had 'class.'

They dated for two weeks and Mary Rose moved into his apartment.  Besides being full-time in college, Mary Rose worked as a waitress.  Neil had approximately two jobs as a comedian per month.  He liked to stay up half the night and sleep till mid-afternoon.  When Mary Rose bugged him to get a side job to help pay bills, he worked as a clerk in a department store - for a month.  She never knew why he left or got fired.  He said he and the manager "had a difference of opinion."

Mary Rose's family was horrified, petrified, and saddened when Mary Rose told them that she and Neil were living together.  They saw an extremely bad future in this relationship.  But Mary Rose stuck with him, until he went out on her.  Then she took him back.  Once, she met his daughter, finding out he had never been married.  Still Mary Rose stayed with Neil.

Their life was stuck in this same pattern all the while Mary Rose was in college.  Mary Rose always worked part-time, Neil worked one or two months in a store, then went months between jobs.  Once or twice a month, he worked as a comedian.  He liked to eat at fancy restaurants.  They lived in many different apartments, each one in worse condition than the last one.  Neil was still tall but he had gained an enormous amount of weight.

Finally, Neil went out on her again and Mary Rose had it.  She left him - for good.

Lessons learned:  It certainly is not The Most Important Quality in a prospective mate, but Work Ethic is one of those non-negotiable, deal-breaker qualities.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't particularly like to work, run, run, run the other way as fast as you can!  Poverty is painful!  No relationship continues for long if one person feels they're doing all the work, in any area.  These days, in most families both the wives and husbands work.  In some families, as it was traditionally done, the husband brings home the income and the wife stays home with the children.  However, even if the husband is the only wage-earner, the wife has to have a work history she can return to, if for any reason, the husband can not work.


In these days of high unemployment, many folks lost their jobs. For some, it's been two or three or even four years since they have worked in their field.  The smart person will go back to school, even technical school, and get a marketable job!  Sitting around applying for jobs that no longer exist is, well, stupid.  Pardon my candor!  There are jobs out there: maybe not glamorous, certainly not high-paying, but jobs.  And, in the end, a job is a job is a job is a job.  You do what THEY want, WHEN they want you to, but - YOU GET PAID!!

Outcome:  Neil moved to another town but I hear about him from time to time.  He's still the same Neil, just works as a comedian when he can.  His new girlfriend works though.  See a pattern?

Mary Rose has an extremely well-paying, satisfying job.  Occasionally, Neil will contact her, asking for money or just to say nasty things.

Our Take On This:  If you know a person in this situation, print this out and BEG them to reconsider!  There is nothing but misery in a liaison like this!  In the Bible, it says, "Let him who does not work not eat."  Please, God, open all our eyes to the reality of the importance of a steady job! 

New Eyes

Situation:  Cassandra and Tommy, a married couple in their forties, had never dated anyone else and have been together since high school.  Neighbors and everyone else would say they have great marriage.  Tommy has a decent job, Cassandra stayed home with the children till they were in high school, then got a secretarial job which she likes.  They enjoy going to church together and bowl in a league together.

What's the problem, then?  Tommy has a lover on the side.  Evelyn and Tommy have worked together for years.  They are very discreet; few know about their overnight trips "for work" except the trusted several who work with them. Cassandra seems to be totally blind to the fact that Tommy is never interested in sex anymore.  And why should he be?  He's slightly overweight, just as Cassandra is. She doesn't find him attractive anymore and, obviously, Tommy doesn't find her attractive either.  She is so totally boring Tommy wonders why he ever married Cassandra in the first place.

There's another problem: Tommy told Evelyn he would never marry her, that his church opposes divorce, that it would be too expensive, and he doesn't want to embarrass the children. For years, Evelyn accepted this but now that she herself is pushing forty, she's pressuring Tommy to leave Cassandra and marry her.

Lessons learned:  Every relationship gets familiar over time.  But the wise couple will keep the spark of love burning.  It isn't easy, at times, and it does take two people to try together.  But the value of an intact, loving marriage 'till death do us part' is immense!

Just because you no longer find your spouse attractive doesn't mean that someone else won't!  Look at your spouse with new eyes.  What is it about her or him that attracted you in the first place?  Build on that feeling.  Be creative. Don't give up!

Outcome:  There are several options, which one will happen is anyone's guess.  1) Tommy gets tired of Evelyn pressuring him and decides to a) drop her and hope she will keep quiet (risky business), or b) throws caution to the wind, divorces Cassandra and marries Evelyn.  If Tommy told Cassandra about the affair, that he wanted a divorce, after she recovered from the shock, Cassandra may 1) choose to forgive him and seek counseling to make their marriage better, if he agreed, or 2) be glad to get rid of him, and 'take him to the cleaners' financially.

Should we have compassion for Evelyn?  I find it difficult. There are few benefits to being a 'mistress' of a married man for many years.  She's really tired of spending every holiday ALONE.  A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.  If Tommy cheated to be with Evelyn, odds are that he would also cheat on Evelyn.  Who wants someone's leftovers!!!  Besides, research says that in a cheating relationship, the real thrill is doing something nobody knows about, NOT being in love with the other person.

Our Take on This:  Let's try to not take any of our relationships for granted.  Don't let love die!  If it's not too late, pray to God to help you keep all your loves, no matter how small, alive!  God loves us, will never let us 'flounder' without options, we just have to ask Him for help!

Two Fat Ladies

Situation:  This is the true story of two very overweight ladies, what they did about their weight, and how it affected their lives and relationships.

Maggie was 'heavy' as long as she could remember.  She is dark-haired with especially beautiful eyes and a flawless complexion.  Maggie had a well-paying job, dressed very well, and was married to an executive of normal weight.  But Maggie's husband was not happy.  He thought she would lose weight for him because he really thought it was a big 'turn-off.'  Maggie walked very slowly due to leg problems.  Her friends told her, "You have such a pretty face.  Why don't you try to lose weight?"

Maggie didn't really try to lose weight.  She was honest with herself, "If I lost weight, my face would sag and I hate wrinkles.  I've got too much to lose.  It's not worth the effort."

Terry also was 'fat.'  When she was young and teased by classmates, she asked her very heavy mother and grandmother, "Am I fat?"  They always replied, "No, Terry, you're 'pleasingly plump.'"  Terry was slightly overweight when she married but gained a lot of weight with each of her pregnancies and never took it off.  Terry's husband nagged her tirelessly about her weight.  Terry didn't have any health problems - yet - but tried various diets unsuccessfully.

One day, Terry's 6-year-old daughter came up to her and put her little arms around Terry's legs.  She looked up at Terry and said, "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you  -  fat."  Terry was shocked.  She hadn't really looked at herself in the mirror for years.  She went into the bedroom, closed and locked the door, took off all her clothes, and looked at herself in the mirror. She thought, "You look just like an elephant!

Terry vowed to herself she would lose all her extra 'baby' weight by exercising and eating sensibly.  It took her two years but she did it!  She never felt better in her life!  Her slim husband was not impressed, but then, he was so full of himself he hardly noticed.

Lessons learned:  As weight guru, Richard Simmons said, "No one puts food in your mouth but yourself.  You can choose to eat sensibly."  From a nurse's point of view, seeing all the problems the 'morbidly obese' patients have, has kept my weight fairly steady.  Most of the time, if a huge 300-pound-plus patient goes into the ICU in the hospital, he or she will die.  Can you imagine trying to take care of such large people?  Sometimes it would take eight or ten of us to transfer one of them!

From a Christian point of view, we/our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit.  We need to try to be moderate in all things.  God loves us and will help us if we ask!

Outcome:  Maggie's husband left her for a normal-weight woman.  It wasn't long before Maggie found a thin husband who liked her just the way she was.  This won't happen often!

Terry enjoys her health, divorced her nagging, self-centered husband, and has never re-married. She feels that if someone special came along, she would marry again.

Mitch's Theory

Situation:  As aspiring young engineering students, Mitch and Cynthia were in most classes together in their first years of college.  They developed a deep friendship, did homework together, and even sometimes went to church together at their religious-sponsored school.  They never dated.  Both were engaged to their high school sweethearts in different distant cities in their home towns.

One day Mitch surprised Cynthia by quietly, thoughtfully mentioning, "You know, Cynthia, if we ever married each other, it would never work.  We're too much alike.  My Kate keeps everything organized for me.  Somehow, she'll keep all the bills paid, kids scrubbed, and take care of all the details when we're married.  I have an idea that Adrian would do just the same for you.  If you and I married, we'd probably end up homeless."

Cynthia was dumbfounded and speechless.  She had not ever grasped that Mitch cared so deeply for her. She now knew that she also loved him, with all her heart.  He was right about one thing.  Her fiance was a strong person who would take care of making all the decisions when they got married.

At last, Cynthia softly murmured, "Mitch, you're so right about Kate and Adrian being strong persons.  Besides, if we left them, they'd be very hurt."

That conversation was never mentioned again.  The end of the semester came.  Mitch and Cynthia went home for the summer.  Adrian had graduated and wanted to get married right away, so Cynthia quit school and they married.  Right from the start, their marriage was a failure.  Sure, Adrian was a strong person, but he was a bully, an abusive bully.

Lessons learned:  Perhaps Mitch and Cynthia should have taken time to judge whether their fiances were really the right match for each of them.  Was Mitch - and, in reality, Cynthia, also - just too kind and mellow, and even lazy?

If they had the maturity to recognize their beautiful, deep feelings for each other, could they have realized that if they worked together, they could have done anything together?!

Both Mitch and Cynthia took the easy way out and didn't rock the unsteady boat of an tenuous engagement.  Cynthia never saw Mitch again but would find herself thinking of him, at times, and wondering what might have been. . .

Another lesson: a long-distance relationship is no way to get to know someone. Besides, what's the rush to get married?  Cynthia might have judged differently if she had graduated, worked for several years, and lived in the same city as Adrian.  People who pressure you to get married may have an agenda: get you committed before you find out what human rats they are!

Please, if you have serious misgivings about your relationship, bring those feelings out in the open and talk with someone you trust about them.

Nothing in this life is random.  God puts loving people in our paths to help us.  It's like God whispers in our ears, "I couldn't touch you, but I sent him."  Nurture the loves you're sent!

Real or Virtual Presence?

Situation: This is about me.  Recently a friend sent me an e-mail, "Guess you don't text.  So I'm e-mailing you."  Nearly everyone I know has an I-phone.  Except me.  I just want my phone to be a phone. Besides, I-phones are very costly and many times get broken or lost - several times a year.  I don't have time or desire to text everyone I know.  But I notice that most friends, family, and acquaintances are very frequently interrupted by beeps and text messages.  At least I don't see very much (among my circle) texting and driving anymore.  And the folks texting are younger and younger.  I'll admit it's 'cool' to be able to take a photo on your phone and instantly post it on your facebook page so everyone knows where you are.  But it's disturbing that increasingly teenagers in the U.S. are finding themselves in compromising positions (example: send a nude photo of themselves to someone who then posts it on facebook) and feeling such shame that they commit the unthinkable - suicide.  Is it worth it??

Outcome:  Who knows?  Just because it's new doesn't mean it's good!! Am I hopelessly old-fashioned?  (You won't hurt my feelings if you say 'yes!')

I'd be interested in knowing how young was the youngest person you know who used an I-phone. In Hawaii I saw a Japanese child beside us in a restaurant playing games on one; she couldn't have been more than two.   And no one knows yet what all this instant-messaging will have on real relationships!  God, help us all in this!

What to Reveal

Situation:  Bruce heard from his friend, Jess, that Fanny was a real 'hottie' in bed.  When Jess and Fanny broke up, Bruce thought he'd take over where Jess left off.  He managed to 'bump into' Fanny in the cafeteria where she worked.  He did not tell Fanny that he knew her former boyfriend, Jess.  Fanny liked Bruce right from the start and they started dating.  Within weeks, Fanny invited him to her apartment to watch a movie on TV.  They ended up in bed.

Bruce was rather curious about how many boyfriends Fanny had in her past.  He point-blank asked Fanny, "Well, Fanny, tell me about the other guys in your life.  Who did you sleep with?"  Fanny was in shock!  She retorted with, "What difference does it make?  I thought you loved me." Bruce went on, "I just want to know.  I have a right to know."  Fanny couldn't believe what he was saying and told Bruce, "I think that is very private.  Just forget it."

Bruce got a bit angry and insisted.  He laughed, "Fanny, I know you at least slept with my old pal, Jess.  He said you were quite a hot chick in bed.  You can't deny that, can you?"  Fanny didn't think it was the slightest bit funny; she felt used.  She was used.

Lessons learned:  No one has any right to know about any past 'sins' or sexual encounters.  Yet, like it or not, a woman who engages in casual sex with multiple partners gathers a 'bad' reputation for being 'easy.'  For centuries, these women used to be called 'whores.'  They'd like to call themselves 'liberated.'  Men have somehow not been looked down on as severely.  Is this a double standard?  Sure.  But it is reality.  Women who are 'loose' or 'easy' lose much more than a good reputation.  They lose their self-respect, and diminish their hopes of finding a gentleman who cares about them for who they are.

Is there anything in the past that should be revealed to one's prospective marriage partner?  Only past children, past marriages, past criminal activity, perhaps past hospitalization for mental illness, in my opinion.  Have I missed anything important?

Outcome:  Fanny got dressed, told Bruce he'd better leave as soon as possible.  Did she learn from this disaster?  Sure!  This woman decided to totally be free of men forever.  In a few months, she changed her mind, met a really nice man.  They decided to save themselves for marriage and actually got married. How nice to have a happy ending!

Please note: today, November 11, is Veterans' Day.  Please pray to God in Thanksgiving for all the men and women who have served in our United States Military throughout the years and kept our country free!  Some have given their health, some have given their lives.  Freedom is not free!  Since my own nephew, Justin, was killed in Afghanistan in 2008 (in the Irish Regiment of the British Royal Army, after having served 6 years in the United States Navy), our family knows very, very well the price of freedom.

You may like to check out this blog, Tuesday, August 13, 2013, "Military Families: A Big Challenge, Many Rewards."  May God continue to 'shine his grace on America, the Beautiful!' 

The Good Buddy

Situation:  Tony and Kim were married for several years, had two young children, but basically they lived separate lives. Tony fancied himself as a real 'athlete' although he didn't have the body for it. He spent most of the time outside his job either engaged in sports or watching them on TV.  He never had time for Kim or the children.

Once Tony told Kim that his new biking buddy was Courtney, a woman.  "She's so neat, she's a good biker and we're training for a race.  I wish she was a guy."  Kim's heart sunk.  She didn't suspect Tony of an affair because he was too stupid.  He wasn't intellectually stupid, he just didn't have the first idea of how to treat women.

Months went on, Tony and Courtney trained daily for the big race and now it was time.  The race was in another state.  Courtney had decided to not participate but offered to drive Tony. Kim couldn't believe Courtney had wanted to do this (she was also married) and also couldn't believe that stupid Tony even told her about it.

Kim usually was a pushover, wimpy, passive, etc.  However, she had no plans to raise the beautiful children by herself.  So she took charge!  She told Tony that she would drive him and they would go the night before so Tony would be well-rested.

Tony was really too old and overweight to win anything but he was immensely proud that he finished the race.  Kim told him how proud she was of him.  Then Kim drove him home.

Not very long after they arrived, Courtney showed up at their home.  She had let her long ponytail down into beautiful long hair.  She actually put make-up on.  She fawned over Tony, "Oh, Tony, how did you do?  What a big race!"  Now Kim knew that Courtney was absolutely after Tony, not for a biking partner but to marry!"  This made Kim furious!  She didn't usually think quickly but this time she did.  Kim put on her best smile and said, "Oh, Courtney, our trip was SOOOOOOOOO wonderful!  This was the first vacation we've ever had alone.  It was our second honeymoon!"

Courtney immediately frowned and left.  Neither Tony nor Kim ever saw her again.  They heard that Courtney had left her husband and child and moved to another state.

Lessons learned:  I'm not sure about this one as far as avoiding marriage to such a loser unless you find out about past family life.  Tony didn't have sisters.  He and his brothers called their mother, "chief."  So he never learned much about women.

I think Kim was brilliant!

Outcome:  These folks were former neighbors.  Everyone has scattered so I really don't know the outcome except Kim and Tony were married for years after that incident; Courtney's husband raised their daughter by himself.

Today is Sunday, the Lord's Day.  What would happen if we really rested, as God did when he finished creating the whole world and us?  Would we be thoroughly rested and ready to start a great week tomorrow?  What would happen if we turned some of our thoughts to God today, remembering how greatly he has blessed us, no matter what our situation?  What would happen if we would worship God for a few minutes today, giving him just a small portion of the whole of our lives that he's given us?  How GREAT GOD is!  He never forces us to do anything.  He just gently prods us, and loves us.

Regrets?

Situation:  One Sunday afternoon we were waiting for a patient to be transported to our nursing unit, and had a few minutes of 'quiet' time.  Dr. Vince shared, "You know, Jan, I never wanted to be a doctor.  I like working with people but I just don't like the doctoring."

Me, "Vince, what did you really want to do?"

Dr. Vince, "I wanted so much to be a lawyer."

Me, "What happened?"

Dr. Vince, "My father was a doctor.  He insisted that every one of his children HAD to become doctors.  So we all are."

Me, "Vince, you know doctors sometimes take off a year or more for a sabbatical.  Would you consider going back to school.  You aren't too old (you're NEVER too old to go to school!)."

About that time, the patient was transported in and we went to work.

Lessons learned:  If you're really unhappy about any aspect of your life, don't just drift and get into the rut of misery and stay there! Consider what are your OPTIONS.  There are always options!  You may not get to change your situation immediately, but you can work towards it, in large, important matters, but also in the small things in life.

One thing is sure, You'll never know what you can do unless you TRY!  Happily, this is a lesson I learned when young and took to heart.  If I wanted to do a particular worthy thing, even if people told me, "That's not possible."  "Don't bother trying."  or even "It'll never happen,"  I kept thinking, "I won't know if I could do it unless I try."  If I failed, well, at least I'd know that I'd tried.

Outcome:  Dr. Vince transferred to another hospital in a different state after a few months.  I never knew if he achieved his dream of being a lawyer.  I pray that he did.

Don't forget, we're all in this life together.  And God loves us and wants us to be happy!

   

Snuffing Love

Think of a burning candle: you could take a big breath and, with one puff, blow it out.  Or, you could slowly deprive it of air or fuel and it could take a long time to extinguish.  This is the story of two couples, when love died.  The stories are true but the names are changed to protect the guilty.

Situation #1:  Roseanne and Vincent were the classical abused woman/victim and abuser, although they didn't know it at the time.  Roseanne had no degrees beyond high school and was a good housewife, taking care of the children, the house, volunteering at church at times, with a large circle of girlfriends.

Vincent was a true jerk and in true jerk style, he thought he was Mr. Wonderful.  HE earned ALL the money.  HE paid ALL the bills.  HE made ALL the decisions.  Roseanne started out in the marriage as a strong woman but Vincent quickly cut her down to size with daily criticism.  Nothing Roseanne did was EVER good enough for him.

Once Roseanne tried extra hard to clean up the house and was proud of her work.  Vincent came home, came in the door and sneered, "Guess you didn't do anything today."

Roseanne held out hope for many years that he would return to the charming man to whom she had once been engaged.  But with every snakebite of a comment from Vincent, her love for him died, just a little bit more.

Situation #2:  Connie and Rich were a younger couple who always fought.  One problem was that Rich had an incredibly volatile and huge temper.  EVERYTHING SET HIM OFF!  They were both educated and both had jobs.  Rich was a big man who liked to kick furniture and punch holes in walls when something 'made' him mad.  Connie and the children were afraid of him.

And then Rich would not lift a finger to help with housework or childcare. Connie was absolutely exhausted at times.  Rich would whine if she didn't feel particularly romantic at all times of the day and night.

Lessons learned:  The popular feeling is "True Love Never Dies."  Not so!  These women would have turned themselves inside out if it helped their men treat them better.  Their love was killed, crushed.  Problem was, and it took both women years to discover this: the men WERE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.  No one could say whether this was a 'choice' on their part or if they never were loved as a child or what.

Looking back, Roseanne recalled that when they were dating, when she thought she was making a choice, say, of which movie or restaurant they would visit, she was just choosing one of two or three choices Vincent had already made.  Also, while Vincent never criticized her, Roseanne heard him criticize nearly everyone else.  These should have alerted her to, "back off," see if this is a pattern with him.  If so, drop the jerk!

Looking back, Connie saw a nasty side of Rich when they were almost ready for their wedding.  Their church had pre-wedding lessons for engaged couples.  To be married in her church, they both had to attend.  Rich went on and on, "I just don't see why I have to go, this is stupid, they can't teach me anything, do I have to go?"  Connie felt it would be valuable and he didn't want her mad so he went.  That should have alerted her, "What's going on here?  He should come to this if I think it's important."  Another alert: back off, give the relationship more time. See how he reacts to other requests from her.  If he's equally nasty, drop the jerk!

Outcome #1:  Finally depressed to the point of nearly taking her own life, Roseanne got counseling, saw a lawyer, made plans to end the marriage.  At one point, after the final date was set, Vincent told her, "But I still love you."  She had not heard these words for many, many years, and came to feel he really didn't know how to love.  She told him, "I guess that will be your cross," then proceeded to finalize the divorce.

Outcome #2:  Jealous of Connie, Rich kept track of her every move.  One day, Connie was consulting with one of the children's male teachers.  Rich accused Connie of having an affair with the teacher.  Connie denied it and knew it wasn't true.  But Rich went too far: he told everyone they knew what a 'slut' Connie was.  This was too much!  There was no hope!  Connie didn't want their boys to have lessons on "How to Abuse" and didn't want their daughter to have "How to be a Victim" lessons.  She saw a divorce lawyer that week.

Comment:  When love is finally dead, it is a tragedy of universal proportions.  If you are blessed with love, do everything you can to nourish that love.  This is not only love between a man and a woman or between husbands and wives, it can be the love of friends.  It's not hard to nourish love.  But you need face time.  There is no substitute for being with the one you care for.

As has been said before, know that God has loved you before you were conceived by your parents, loves you now, and will always love you.  That is not a small thing!

Sweeping It All Under the Rug

Situation:  Veronica was a young mother with several cute pre-schoolers.  She was quite pleased with her life.  Her children were her delight, she had plenty of neighborhood and church girl friends, she loved crafts and gardening.  She also was getting to be a pretty good cook and baker.  She was happy and mellow.

The only dark cloud in her life was her husband, Wayne. When he came home from work he was always angry and critical.  Nothing she did was ever good enough for Wayne.  He told her, "Why are you always so happy?  Life is not like that.  There's so much evil in the world.  When are you going to take off your rose-colored glasses and see reality?"  That hurt her feelings, but Veronica dismissed it, thinking, he works so hard for us, he's bound to be grumpy at times.

Years went on.  The children were in grade school, middle school, then high school.  Veronica tried to look on the brighter side of life.  When Wayne was angry at the children, she told them, "Daddy's just having a bad day."  If she wanted Wayne to go with her to a school affair or visiting her family, he always refused.  And Veronica made more excuses, "He's just tired and can't come."

Finally, all her making excuses for Wayne to everyone made her see him as he really was: an insensitive, selfish jerk.  Now she saw the reality Wayne was talking about.  She stopped making excuses for Wayne.  She was relieved.  No longer would she sweep the dirt and dust of his reality under the rug of her excuses!!  He wanted her to see reality?  Now she did!  He was shocked beyond belief!

Lessons learned:  Veronica wondered why she just didn't confront Wayne at first, when he started complaining.  Didn't he want the children to have a pleasant life?  Yes, some people had horrible lives but they chose this life.  This was reality for her.  Would Wayne have changed and left his troubles at work instead of taking it out on Veronica and the children?  Doubtful.

It would be hard to recognize this pattern before the commitment of marriage unless you gave your relationship the test of time.  When someone gets really familiar, they tend to be themselves.  Are they critical?  Nervous?  Give it more time and see if the jerk emerges from under the mask of dating politeness.

Outcome:  Once Veronica saw the reality of Wayne's nastiness, her love for him vanished.  She put up with him until the children were old enough, then left him.  Now her reality is very, very happy!

Veronica had prayed for many years for God to do something to change Wayne.  When this did not happen, she felt God telling her, "Do something yourself." And, she did!  Sometimes we are slow to realize God working in our lives, that He love us and wants us to be happy.

Jumping Ship

This is in response to this comment: "I'm new to your blog, and I must say I'm impressed with how prolific and insightful you are.  You approach each situation with utmost care, offer open and not overly opinionated advice.  You view things in a unique and inspiring perspective.  I look forward to reading more in the future as I have time to do so.

I'd like to mention my own situation briefly.  I've been in what I thought was a good relationship for over a decade.  I'm married and we have a child.  Things have always been kinda crazy, at times like the worst roller coaster you wish you could get off but knew would never end.  Even when we were dating.  At one point we had "broken up" for a short period of time, and yet still managed to get back together.  Why, neither of us knows, not even to this day.  Loneliness?  Desperation?  It's uncertain, but it's become a huge regret for both of us.

Now, after some very revealing things became known within the past several months, he wants to throw it all away.  At first it seemed a wise decision, we were planning on being cautious,  approaching things as adults and falling back on friendship to carry us through the turmoil and make things as peaceful as possible.  Let's be honest.  Divorce is not peaceful.

Last month he put up an online dating profile.  .before we had even started filing paperwork.  He claims he did this to avoid the eventual loneliness he knew he would have once we were finally separated and needed "closure."  (By that I'm guessing he means another bed-mate?)  He now has a "girlfriend" whom he met barely two weeks ago.  They're constantly talking whenever he isn't working, have gone on a date and are even planning the next one.  He's become brutally aggressive, borderline violent towards me (but thankfully not towards our child) I'm becoming a shell of the person I once was, and am so numb at this moment.  I hardly recognize myself anymore.

How are we supposed to last through this final process in that "peaceful" manner we once sought out?  Why did we bother staying together this long if we clearly weren't meant to be?  I was raised in a somewhat old fashioned manner in that you find that special someone and that's it - thick and thin, you make it work. All I ever wanted was the cliche quaint house with the white picket fence and happy children running around and a man who I loved . . .who loved me!  no matter what.  I know that things will work out eventually . . .but I'm so confused right now.  Crushed in every way possible.  What should I have done differently?  How an I prevent this kind of heart break in the future and protect myself, and my child from predators like my husband?  I realize this is a lot to ask. . .and quite possibly, there is no answer except that only time will tell.  Regardless.  While I am feeling stable at the moment, I'm uncertain how long I can maintain my composure."

First thing to consider:  Your safety and the safety of your child!  Since your husband is "brutally aggressive, borderline violent" towards you, he needs to be out of your house - NOW!!  Here's what you need to do, without telling him about any of this: talk to a lawyer, if you haven't yet, consider getting an EPO (Emergency Protective Order) to keep him away from you and your child. He'll have to take some clothes, etc., with him.  Don't be in the house alone when he does this, have several male family or friends with you.  Change the locks on all your outside doors.  The greatest time for spousal violence is between the time one person files for divorce and the divorce is final.  Do not compromise!  For your physical safety and mental peace of mind, this has to happen. Also, just because he isn't violent toward your child now doesn't mean that he won't be in the future.  I've seen it happen.

My heart goes out to you!  It is very tough and emotionally draining to decide you need to divorce and then go through with it!  But, in the end, both you and your child will be better off than with such a husband/father.  Your husband has made an irretrievable decision: he has a girlfriend.  He has 'jumped ship' into stormy waters, has no idea where he's headed!  I would like to have the compassion to pity him, but I'm sorry that I can't.  Cheating is always evil, no matter how someone tries to sugar-coat it.

You have been on "the worst roller coaster you wish you could get off but knew would never end."  This is tragic!  It is the slow death of love.  But now, with the new 'girlfriend', your immature husband has effectively killed all love between you with one swath of his emotional sword!

When your husband realizes that, "OMG, I'm going to have to provide some kind of child support for years," you need to be prepared for him to whine, plead, beg, cry (phony), and try to break you down to take him back.  Don't fall for it; he won't change, he'll just try to hide the cheating. Have courage and don't back down.  You deserve better!  And, you don't want your child to have lessons in how to abuse and how to be a victim!

To answer some of your questions:  why do couples stay together when they obviously have serious problems?  Many reasons: at least one of them hopes things will get better, one or both may think they could not find another husband or wife, they might not want to maintain the cost of two households, or, they prefer the familiarity of a bad situation to the unknown future.  No one is all bad, so there were some (but not enough!) good qualities.  Don't forget: it takes TWO people both trying to create and maintain a relationship.

How could this disaster have been prevented?  This is the question of the ages!  You ignored the Giant Red Flag of "at one point we had broken up for a short period of time" and got back together.  After you were married, and especially after you had a child, it's a lot harder to keep things steady.  It takes two committed people.  Life is not easy.  Raising a child is not easy.  But it is a joy if two people try very hard together.

Another thing you need to know: most violence against children (particularly girls) is committed by their mothers' BOYFRIENDS.  That means that in the future, you don't even let your child meet a man you are dating for months and months.  They may be 'nice,' but you don't want your child emotionally attached to a series of men.  And, of course, never, never even think of co-habiting with a man.  This is a potential disaster for your child.


I've never known of a peaceful divorce.  If two couples can divorce like 'friends,' why not stay married?  Be prepared for all sorts of outrageous demands from your husband.  He wants to get off free.  The lawyer and judge will see that justice is done, financially, for you and your child.

You are hurting now, maybe I could reach out through the internet and hug you!  Get your family and friends to do this!  Pray now that God will give you the courage to do what you need to do.  God will never disappoint you, I promise!  You will need time to heal, and you will heal.  Take time to meet yourself, find things you like to do.  Don't date for a while.  You sound like a stable, likeable, great person and great mother!  I predict a really good future for you!

And thank you for the compliment about this blog.

Marrying the Family, #2

This is in response to a reader's reply for help: "I have been dating my boyfriend who is 40 for 4 years.  Within the past year his family stopped talking to me for no reason at all.  We are not even engaged.  These people are horrible and causing problems in our relationship.  I know to ignore them, I try.  The hard part is that he still associates with them.  No matter what he does bad my family is still cordial to him.  Help!!"

Wow! There are many parts to this problem!

1.  Your boyfriend is 40 years old but you don't say how old you are.  If you're a lot younger, perhaps the family thinks you're a gold digger, or immature.  If you're older, maybe they think he should end up with someone younger.  It doesn't matter how old or young you are!  YOU are his choice, they SHOULD accept you.

2.  Dating for 4 years?  That seems a long time without getting married.  Are you living together?  Many families/parents seriously dislike, even condemn, relationships that cohabit.  Of course, they would BLAME you!

3.  Yes, the family did have a reason for stopping to talk to you.  They either dislike you or disapprove or you or both.  Another reason may simply be that they are jerks!

4.  You are 'not even engaged.'  Do you want to be, after 4 years?  Dating relationships need to go somewhere: marriage.  If your boyfriend is 40 and never been married, perhaps he never wants to be married.  You need to know.  If you see yourself as been married and he hasn't mentioned marriage, you do it!  See 'what his intentions are!'  Families used to do this, asking a young man who was dating their daughter, if he intended to marry the girl, just to make sure she wasn't being taken advantage of.  Now, YOU need to find out yourself.  Don't wait on this: it's really a waste of your time, emotions, even good looks, if you stay in a relationship that will not end in marriage.  Don't be one of those 'old maids' who, in their old age, regret staying with a guy for too long, wasting any opportunity to find a mature man who will commit to you!

5.  "These people are causing problems in our relationship."  No, no, no!  These people are NOT causing the problems!  Get a grip: your boyfriend is causing the problems by TOLERATING their nasty behavior to you!!  He is the primary player in this on-going ABUSE of you!

Life is so much better if you STAY VERY CLOSE TO REALITY!  Please take off your blinders and see the guy for what he is: someone who, by tolerating their abuse of you, is actually participating in it!!  Now, how do you think of him?

6.  "I know how to ignore them.  I try."  How sad that you would have to do this.

7.  "The hard part is that he still associates with them."  Now you know: this is a direct affront, or insult, to you.  Listen carefully to what he is not saying, "My family is more important than you."  Think on this a long time, and BELIEVE IT!  A good relationship should never be like this.  He should stand up for you, defend you, love you, cherish you.  Do you even want to be associated with such a wimpy wuss?

8.  "No matter what he does bad my family is still cordial to him."  What a wonderful, loving, patient family you have been blessed with!  Praise God!  But think again about what you've said: "he does bad."  What 'bad' does he do?  This is serious business!  You are worth more than putting up with someone who does 'bad' things.  'BAD' equals 'ABUSE!'  Never sugarcoat someone's bad behavior!

9.  You and your boyfriend need to have a very serious discussion.  Talk about what future you see for your relationship and what future he sees.  Talk about how he could put a prompt end to his family's poor treatment of you (abuse!) if he chooses to.  If he refuses to talk, seriously consider ending the relationship.  Why waste your life on someone who doesn't treat you well?  You are smarter than that, I pray!!

10.  Please realize that at age 40, your boyfriend is unlikely to change.  Also, it would probably be impossible for his family to change.  That is the reality.  Do you plan to be miserable for the rest of your life?

11.  Please see this blog, Tuesday, September 26, 2013, for "Marrying the Family."  I personally am acquainted with this mother-in-law and feel like she is one of the most horrible women I've ever met.  But her son grew up and will not stand for abusive treatment for his wife and children.  As a result, they rarely see his family.

12.  We don't know your history but you sound like a nice, loving person.  I would suggest that you talk with your minister or a counselor about this.  God loves you and wants you to be happy.  Don't waste your time with those who just don't really care about you!!  God will ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!

Stealing Holidays

(Note #1: Friends, please accept my sincere and humble apology for not having this blog active for the past two weeks!  Insurmountable technical difficulties prevented this.  I've been in Israel and Italy having a positively, incredibly wonderful experience.  I want very much to tell you about it; please check out my travel blog at www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com.)

(Note #2: To the reader who asked for help with a relationship in which her boyfriend's family is not treating her well, I'll respond tomorrow, now that I'm happily back home.  Sorry for the delay!)

Situation:  Shannon and Bernie had a wonderful courtship of three years.  Everything between them seemed perfect.  Bernie was incredibly thoughtful, remembering every anniversary, birthday, and holiday.  He brought candy, gave Shannon expensive beautiful presents at every occasion.  They had a lovely wedding, then moved to a new town for his job.

Shannon doesn't remember exactly when things started to turn sour on holidays.  After several children, Bernie started losing his temper (to the point where everyone was crying!) on Christmas.  He admitted, "I hate holidays."  This was really the worst of the verbal abuse.  But it continued year-around.

Lessons learned:  Abuse is abuse is abuse.  An adult shouldn't ruin any holiday for any person!  Yes, the children will get incredibly excited; isn't that wonderful!  Yes, there will be extra duties for mom and dad to get ready.  Are you so selfish you can't fit in a little more shopping or decorating?  Bernie was just an old-fashioned bully.

Outcome:  After years of trying to get Bernie to go to counseling with her, Shannon was smart, decided to 'cut her losses', leave Bernie, and give the children a happy life.  Even then, he tried to make their lives revolve around him at times.  Bernie is alone on holidays.  Who knows - or cares - if he is happy?

Our Takeaway:  When you think about it, most of our holidays involve God.  On Christmas, we celebrate Jesus, the Son of God's, birthday.  On Thanksgiving, we give thanks to God for our blessings. On Easter, we celebrate Jesus' Resurrection from the dead.  Even on patriotic holidays such as the Fourth of July, we thank God for America and Freedom to worship.  God so loves us and wants us to be happy!  We need to create happy holidays for those we love!