Today is Sunday, the day of the Lord. Why do we (or did we used to) celebrate this day? It was because this is the day that Jesus Christ, Son of God, rose from the dead! Go back to that time, more than 2,000 years ago and try to imagine what his friends, the apostles, and all the other followers were feeling. They had been utterly devastated by his unspeakably cruel and embarrassing death on the cross (Jesus said that he gave up his life, freely; it was not taken away from him). They had such faith in him after seeing all his miracles and hearing him speak like no other had ever spoken, with authority and such love. Now was he a total failure? They were in shock!
The day after the Jewish Sabbath, a few women went to the tomb where he was buried and he was not there. One woman named Mary Magdalene thought she had seen the gardener, but no, it was Jesus! She ran back to where the group was meeting and blurted out, "I have seen the Lord!!" Perhaps a shred of understanding came to them: did he actually do this?
Peter was the first to step inside the empty tomb. He and the others found the shroud which had covered Jesus and knew: He is ALIVE!! That event changed history forever. The disciples went back to the room where they met. Jesus came to them, through the closed door, "It is I." Some thought they were seeing a ghost. Jesus read their thoughts and told them to feel the holes in his hands, feet, and side where the nails had gone through to hang him on the cross.
Jesus stayed with them for 40 days. He ate with them, walked with them, talked with them at length, then commissioned them, "All power in heaven and earth has been given to me. Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 28:18-19). God the Father sent us his only Son, Jesus, to save us from our sins. Could there ever be any doubt how much God love us!
So today is my day for rest, relaxation, going to church, reading the Bible, rejuvenating in preparation for the busy week ahead. But as I pondered the above thoughts on God, I thought sadly of those who claim to not believe there is a God, and call themselves "atheists." Please note: I believe that part of what makes us human is the innate quest to know our Creator, God. Throughout history, ancient peoples have worshiped a deity that is bigger than themselves.
It was so disturbing to me to read in several newspapers about the "Reason Rally" in Washington, D.C., on March 24, 2012, that I clipped out the article and saved it. I've put it in my schedule book as a reminder to pray for atheists. On that day, "an estimated 20,000 atheists and agnostics heard author and activist Richard Dawkins encourage mockery of Catholic beliefs and those of other religions. "Don't fall for the convention that we're all 'too polite' to talk about religion," Dawkins said, before urging rally attendees to ridicule Catholics' faith in the Eucharist. . . Dawkins suggested atheists should show contempt for believers instead of ignoring the issue or feigning respect. "Mock them," he told the crowd. "Ridicule them! In public!". . ."How is it conceivable," he wondered, "that the laws of physics should conspire together - without guidance, without direction, without any intelligence - to bring us into the world?". . .It was "almost too good to be true," he rhapsodized, that this "mechanical, automatic, unplanned, unconscious process" should produce human intelligence" (Crossroads, April 1, 2012).
Dawkins is correct: it IS too good to be true that creation produced human intelligence without having a Creator! In my one and only philosophy course in college, the first proof that God exists is "Order in the Universe." In my prayers for atheists, I asked God what I could do and received, in my heart, what I thought the answer was: LOVE THEM! I know only several who are self-professed atheists, but I try to love them.
As you know, these are perilous times for religious 'believers' in America and in the world. One by one, the governments are trying to strip away all of our God-given rights to worship as we choose. It is not far-fetched to think that in the future we may have to choose, as did the first Christians, to openly declare our beliefs in our God, Jesus, or to worship at the altar of the current 'Emperor,' as the Romans worshiped Caesar. The time for decision is here now, we can't have it both ways, we can't sit on the fence and hope no one notices. How will you stand?
Know the beautiful, powerful, gentle love of God for you, now and always! It is THIS relationship that will most satisfy you. Some folks enjoy the love of God their whole lives. Some folks come to that love very late in life and wonder why they waited so long, if only they had known!
On Tuesday, I'll be in Tel Aviv, Israel! I want to walk where Jesus walked. You are invited to check out my travel blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com to see where I've been.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
"Safe" Flirting
Situation: Joanie is 19-years-old, working during the summer as a clerk in a huge corporation. A product of a private all-girls school and over-protective parents, Joanie is extremely naive. Her high school made sure that no one was bullied, that there was order, and religious values were respected. Joanie expected that the world would all be nice.
When Joanie first went to a coed college, she was almost overwhelmed by the male students. She got used to that quickly. They were all perfect gentlemen, especially the ones in her classes. In time, she developed some wonderful, close friends, both male and female.
Now in this mega-office, Joanie is overwhelmed again, by the men. She is the youngest woman there, one of only two unmarried, does her job very well, but is frequently visited at her desk by men of all ages. Joanie was taught to smile and treat everyone kindly, you know, "love your neighbor."
The men are constantly asking Joanie to lunch. Joanie is not interested because she already has a college-age boyfriend, and also because she would never go out with a married man, but she doesn't know how to get rid of them. The other women are kind, have helped her learn her job quickly, and informed her, one by one, that all of the men are married.
The whole office goes out to lunch as a group every week or two. Joanie (and three other women) ended up in the car of one of the men who was a real pest. He started driving like a maniac, really fast and scared everyone. When they got back to the office, Joanie asked one female co-worker, "Why did he do that?" She was answered, "He wanted to impress you."
Lessons learned: There are no ground rules for flirting, but perhaps there ought to be, unwritten rules. Flirting between unmarried guys and gals is harmless, usually. There has to be equality here! By that I mean that young women can get themselves in deep trouble with 'creeps,' 'stalkers', those who might harm them just by a simple smile. Young women would do well to avoid eye contact in public areas or with unknown persons. For their further protection, young women should dress conservatively, never provocatively, in public.
Finally, Joanie figured it out: men of all ages think that women are flirting with them if you only make eye contact and smile! So she simply said, "No, not interested," without looking at them, and they went away. The pest was different. She had to tell him firmly, "Just leave me alone!"
In my working career, I witnessed unabashed flirting between men and women, married, but not to each other. There were plenty of blatant 'affairs.' A wise married man or woman could be friendly without serious flirting. Do you really want to risk your marriage for a 'fling?' Take a lesson from all the news about prominent politicians' affairs: do you really want your children to find out? (Your God already knows!!)
And, if your marriage is really as bad as you say it is, get a grip, end it before you even think of dating again. Just because a person tells you, "I'm going to get a divorce," doesn't mean it will EVER happen!
Yes, God loves us and wants us to be happy but he also wants us to use our brains and avoid stupid liaisons which would be risky. You deserve a mate who is wholesome, loving, mature, and responsible. Don't settle for a scumbag!!
When Joanie first went to a coed college, she was almost overwhelmed by the male students. She got used to that quickly. They were all perfect gentlemen, especially the ones in her classes. In time, she developed some wonderful, close friends, both male and female.
Now in this mega-office, Joanie is overwhelmed again, by the men. She is the youngest woman there, one of only two unmarried, does her job very well, but is frequently visited at her desk by men of all ages. Joanie was taught to smile and treat everyone kindly, you know, "love your neighbor."
The men are constantly asking Joanie to lunch. Joanie is not interested because she already has a college-age boyfriend, and also because she would never go out with a married man, but she doesn't know how to get rid of them. The other women are kind, have helped her learn her job quickly, and informed her, one by one, that all of the men are married.
The whole office goes out to lunch as a group every week or two. Joanie (and three other women) ended up in the car of one of the men who was a real pest. He started driving like a maniac, really fast and scared everyone. When they got back to the office, Joanie asked one female co-worker, "Why did he do that?" She was answered, "He wanted to impress you."
Lessons learned: There are no ground rules for flirting, but perhaps there ought to be, unwritten rules. Flirting between unmarried guys and gals is harmless, usually. There has to be equality here! By that I mean that young women can get themselves in deep trouble with 'creeps,' 'stalkers', those who might harm them just by a simple smile. Young women would do well to avoid eye contact in public areas or with unknown persons. For their further protection, young women should dress conservatively, never provocatively, in public.
Finally, Joanie figured it out: men of all ages think that women are flirting with them if you only make eye contact and smile! So she simply said, "No, not interested," without looking at them, and they went away. The pest was different. She had to tell him firmly, "Just leave me alone!"
In my working career, I witnessed unabashed flirting between men and women, married, but not to each other. There were plenty of blatant 'affairs.' A wise married man or woman could be friendly without serious flirting. Do you really want to risk your marriage for a 'fling?' Take a lesson from all the news about prominent politicians' affairs: do you really want your children to find out? (Your God already knows!!)
And, if your marriage is really as bad as you say it is, get a grip, end it before you even think of dating again. Just because a person tells you, "I'm going to get a divorce," doesn't mean it will EVER happen!
Yes, God loves us and wants us to be happy but he also wants us to use our brains and avoid stupid liaisons which would be risky. You deserve a mate who is wholesome, loving, mature, and responsible. Don't settle for a scumbag!!
Friday, October 18, 2013
The Women Who Loved to Dance
Situation: Clara was a teenager back in the early 1900s. She loved to dance and would go with her friends to dances whenever she could. Clara and Mitchum were seventeen years old when they met. They decided to get married six weeks later, by eloping to a city across the river from where they lived. They never even had time to go to a dance. Clara didn't even think about it. Then after the wedding, Clara suggested to Mitchum that they go dancing. He refused, said he would never go to a dance. He loved to go to baseball games and went to all there were in the city for many years.
Clara lived to bitterly regret the marriage for reasons more serious than the dancing. But back then, there were no divorces between 'decent' people.
Fast forward fifty or sixty years. Clara's granddaughter, Shellie, loved to dance and go to parties. She even took ballroom dancing lessons with a group of friends when they were in elementary school. The friends went dancing once or twice nearly every week when they were in high school. Then Shellie met a new guy, Perry, when she was seventeen years old. He seemed to be even more gentlemanly and exciting than her high school pals. They dated and went to movies, ball games, several parties, and school dances. Shellie went to college, still dated Perry, but they were both too busy to attend many dances. They married after graduation.
Within several weeks, Shellie and Perry were invited to a party. Perry angrily refused, "I don't like parties. I hate parties. I will never go to a party!" Shellie was in shock. Where was the kind, loving, agreeable man she dated? Through the early years of their marriage, once in a while, the couple would be invited to a party. The answer from Perry was always the same.
Shellie asked Perry if they could dance at home to music. He angrily said, "It's stupid. I can't dance. I won't dance." One time they were invited to a graduation party for one of their children. Perry said he would go. On the way, he nastily informed Shellie, "I'm not going for you. I'm going for our daughter."
Shellie also lived to bitterly regret her marriage for more serious reasons than the parties and dancing.
Lessons learned: From Clara and Mitchum: "Marry in haste, repent in leisure." The old folks' saying is totally true! You MUST get to know the person with whom you would like to spend your life. From Shellie and Perry: take the time to find out if your date or intended spouse really likes what you like to do. From both couples: don't let someone "new and exciting," different from any of your friends, "sweep you off your feet" and then you quickly fall in love with them.
I don't believe in "love at first sight." I believe in "joint hormones attracting at first sight." Opposites may attract, but for the long haul, if couples have no joint interests, any marriage would be boring at best, a battlefield, at worst. Lasting love is more a decision than an emotion. Why reject solid, ordinary folks you know well for shining stars who are glittery but not golden? It's quite apparent that many individuals who have learned skills to make themselves look very, very friendly, are, in fact, 'manipulative.'
Outcome: Clara and Mitchum celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary (50th) with their large family. By then, both had mellowed and resolved some of their differences. Shellie left Perry due to abuse.
Please take your time in relationships. What's the rush? God really loves you and wants you to be happy - he will lead you to have the virtue of patience, if you let Him.
Clara lived to bitterly regret the marriage for reasons more serious than the dancing. But back then, there were no divorces between 'decent' people.
Fast forward fifty or sixty years. Clara's granddaughter, Shellie, loved to dance and go to parties. She even took ballroom dancing lessons with a group of friends when they were in elementary school. The friends went dancing once or twice nearly every week when they were in high school. Then Shellie met a new guy, Perry, when she was seventeen years old. He seemed to be even more gentlemanly and exciting than her high school pals. They dated and went to movies, ball games, several parties, and school dances. Shellie went to college, still dated Perry, but they were both too busy to attend many dances. They married after graduation.
Within several weeks, Shellie and Perry were invited to a party. Perry angrily refused, "I don't like parties. I hate parties. I will never go to a party!" Shellie was in shock. Where was the kind, loving, agreeable man she dated? Through the early years of their marriage, once in a while, the couple would be invited to a party. The answer from Perry was always the same.
Shellie asked Perry if they could dance at home to music. He angrily said, "It's stupid. I can't dance. I won't dance." One time they were invited to a graduation party for one of their children. Perry said he would go. On the way, he nastily informed Shellie, "I'm not going for you. I'm going for our daughter."
Shellie also lived to bitterly regret her marriage for more serious reasons than the parties and dancing.
Lessons learned: From Clara and Mitchum: "Marry in haste, repent in leisure." The old folks' saying is totally true! You MUST get to know the person with whom you would like to spend your life. From Shellie and Perry: take the time to find out if your date or intended spouse really likes what you like to do. From both couples: don't let someone "new and exciting," different from any of your friends, "sweep you off your feet" and then you quickly fall in love with them.
I don't believe in "love at first sight." I believe in "joint hormones attracting at first sight." Opposites may attract, but for the long haul, if couples have no joint interests, any marriage would be boring at best, a battlefield, at worst. Lasting love is more a decision than an emotion. Why reject solid, ordinary folks you know well for shining stars who are glittery but not golden? It's quite apparent that many individuals who have learned skills to make themselves look very, very friendly, are, in fact, 'manipulative.'
Outcome: Clara and Mitchum celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary (50th) with their large family. By then, both had mellowed and resolved some of their differences. Shellie left Perry due to abuse.
Please take your time in relationships. What's the rush? God really loves you and wants you to be happy - he will lead you to have the virtue of patience, if you let Him.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
New Tactics
Background: You've heard and I've heard many wives and husbands complaining about their mates, many parents complaining about their children, co-workers putting down their bosses, etc. We've probably all been guilty of this ourselves, at times, to one degree or another.
Situation: Pat and Matt are a successful middle-aged couple, both working all their lives, fortunate to both have jobs in these uncertain times. They both complain endlessly to all who would listen. Anyone who even half-listens to either one of them thinks, "How can they stay married?" I've even heard Matt being told, at times, "Well, you put up with it. Don't complain to us." Pat's been told many times, "Dump the jerk."
Lessons learned: My wise grandmother often told me, "Don't be an open book." Surely it does no one any good to bitterly complain to others. Yes, the complainer gets to "vent." Maybe that makes life easier to constantly unload the "poison." But the listener will think, "If she complains about so-and-so, she'll complain about me. I'd better watch what I say around her." And the person about whom a complaint is made, never gets a chance to know how his or her behavior is affecting the complainer.
The axiom is true: If what you're doing isn't working, do something else! This is similar to: If you're hitting your head against a brick wall and it hurts, STOP! So, how can we get off the "constant complaining merry-go-round?"
First, consider very carefully what is really bothering you about your wife, husband, co-worker, friend, etc. We don't want to nit-pick, we only need to address major issues.
Next, we must gather the courage to directly and gently offer our take on the problem to the person involved. But, we must never accuse or point fingers. That only puts the other person on the defensive and actually makes things worse. You'll probably have a nasty argument on your hands.
Here's what works: when both parties are calm, when the environment is calm and unhurried, say how you feel about what is going on that bothers you. "Honey, I feel so helpless when you charge things without telling me. I worry that we'll go over our limit and our credit will be ruined. Would you mind telling me?" What about saying this to your child: "Joey, I feel like I'm not doing a good job and you'll run out of clothes when you throw your dirty socks and underwear under your bed. Would you please try throwing them in the hamper right after you take them off? How about if we take the hamper out of the bathroom and put it in your room? Would that help?" This is called giving "I-messages" in the psych books. You might try it some time.
Outcome: Pat and Matt are still married.
Please believe: God loves us all and fervently wants us all to be happy!
Situation: Pat and Matt are a successful middle-aged couple, both working all their lives, fortunate to both have jobs in these uncertain times. They both complain endlessly to all who would listen. Anyone who even half-listens to either one of them thinks, "How can they stay married?" I've even heard Matt being told, at times, "Well, you put up with it. Don't complain to us." Pat's been told many times, "Dump the jerk."
Lessons learned: My wise grandmother often told me, "Don't be an open book." Surely it does no one any good to bitterly complain to others. Yes, the complainer gets to "vent." Maybe that makes life easier to constantly unload the "poison." But the listener will think, "If she complains about so-and-so, she'll complain about me. I'd better watch what I say around her." And the person about whom a complaint is made, never gets a chance to know how his or her behavior is affecting the complainer.
The axiom is true: If what you're doing isn't working, do something else! This is similar to: If you're hitting your head against a brick wall and it hurts, STOP! So, how can we get off the "constant complaining merry-go-round?"
First, consider very carefully what is really bothering you about your wife, husband, co-worker, friend, etc. We don't want to nit-pick, we only need to address major issues.
Next, we must gather the courage to directly and gently offer our take on the problem to the person involved. But, we must never accuse or point fingers. That only puts the other person on the defensive and actually makes things worse. You'll probably have a nasty argument on your hands.
Here's what works: when both parties are calm, when the environment is calm and unhurried, say how you feel about what is going on that bothers you. "Honey, I feel so helpless when you charge things without telling me. I worry that we'll go over our limit and our credit will be ruined. Would you mind telling me?" What about saying this to your child: "Joey, I feel like I'm not doing a good job and you'll run out of clothes when you throw your dirty socks and underwear under your bed. Would you please try throwing them in the hamper right after you take them off? How about if we take the hamper out of the bathroom and put it in your room? Would that help?" This is called giving "I-messages" in the psych books. You might try it some time.
Outcome: Pat and Matt are still married.
Please believe: God loves us all and fervently wants us all to be happy!
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Sharing Pain
Situation: Don't know about you, but when I'm in the hospital for surgery or illness, I'm upset and miserable, usually at least half-sedated, looking a fright, and really don't want to see anyone. Just let me rest and come see me when I'm home.
Darlene was a middle-aged woman going through a unusually painful situation, her divorce. She was a very shy and private person, never wanting to burden anyone with just how terrible her marriage was. She had never complained about her husband, feeling that it would be a violation of her marriage vows.
Amazingly enough, neither her friends nor her co-workers had the slightest knowledge of her divorce until they read about it in the newspaper! Everyone was totally shocked.
Lessons learned: Due to her strict upbringing, Darlene felt divorce was wrong, that the only reason for divorce was horrible physical abuse. Since her abuse was 'only' psychological, she thought she'd just have to tough it out. She thought she had no limits to what she could take but found out she did. Darlene was, however, able to consult her pastor and several counselors over the years.
It wasn't that she didn't trust her friends with continuing bad news, she just didn't want to bring them her pain. After the divorce she learned that it's all right to share pain with several of your trusted friends. They care deeply; they could have helped her through the worst times.
Outcome: Since the divorce is settled, Darlene is a new, happy woman! She enjoys the company of many good friends. When the inevitable pain in life happens, they are able to share, one-on-one, the pain, and support each other. Sometimes when you don't know what to say when a loved one is in a painful state, just say you care. Friends are the treasures in life!
As always, know that God loves us, and wants us to be happy! There is pain in every life, but sharing the pain always makes it more bearable.
Darlene was a middle-aged woman going through a unusually painful situation, her divorce. She was a very shy and private person, never wanting to burden anyone with just how terrible her marriage was. She had never complained about her husband, feeling that it would be a violation of her marriage vows.
Amazingly enough, neither her friends nor her co-workers had the slightest knowledge of her divorce until they read about it in the newspaper! Everyone was totally shocked.
Lessons learned: Due to her strict upbringing, Darlene felt divorce was wrong, that the only reason for divorce was horrible physical abuse. Since her abuse was 'only' psychological, she thought she'd just have to tough it out. She thought she had no limits to what she could take but found out she did. Darlene was, however, able to consult her pastor and several counselors over the years.
It wasn't that she didn't trust her friends with continuing bad news, she just didn't want to bring them her pain. After the divorce she learned that it's all right to share pain with several of your trusted friends. They care deeply; they could have helped her through the worst times.
Outcome: Since the divorce is settled, Darlene is a new, happy woman! She enjoys the company of many good friends. When the inevitable pain in life happens, they are able to share, one-on-one, the pain, and support each other. Sometimes when you don't know what to say when a loved one is in a painful state, just say you care. Friends are the treasures in life!
As always, know that God loves us, and wants us to be happy! There is pain in every life, but sharing the pain always makes it more bearable.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Mutual Goals
Situation: Helen and Marty are an engaged couple in their late twenties, planning a wedding this Christmas season. They know where they will live, after the wedding: in the same town where they now live. Both of their jobs will remain the same. The couple are spending virtually every moment together planning a very elaborate wedding. Beyond that, they really have no goals together.
This seems like risky business! There are a myriad of things they need to know about each other before the commitment of marriage. What about finances? Will they have a joint checking account or will they each have separate accounts. Money seems to be a large factor in divorces. What about buying a house? Are they going to save for a house? Will they start saving for retirement? Or will they spend every penny they earn? What is their pattern now? What about children? How many, more or less, would they like to have? When? Will one parent stay home with they children or will both keep their jobs and pay for childcare?
Other important questions may be: What about church? Right now, they go to separate churches. Will that continue? Years ago, male and female roles were well-defined. The husband earned the money, the wife stayed home with the children. That was easy! Today the women expect to work, most of them, for their whole lives. Some of the young women want to stay home and raise their children. Perhaps the prospective husband needs to know, so he won't count on that extra income forever.
Other problems in marriage center around the division of labor at home. In general, young women work at a paying job outside the home, are tired when they get home, and expect some kind of help from their husband with the cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, laundry, child care, yard care (if they have a yard), and car maintenance. Most men have no problems with cutting the grass (although I tell about one who didn't cut grass in this blog, August 11, 2013, "The Woman, The Corvette, and the Grass"), and most don't mind dealing with mechanics and cars. Yet, in my long life, I've only known two couples in which the husbands shared equally with the rest of the housework/childcare, and the wives had paying jobs outside the home. The rest of the women were chronically fatigued, and also chronically resentful that their husbands refused to 'lend a hand.'
What about education? Some men and women plan to get advanced degrees as soon as possible. Others couldn't care less. This would be a good thing to know. If you want that extra degree, would your spouse support you?
There are many less important items such as choice of furniture styles, having pets, where to spend vacations, how to spend holidays - together or at one parent's house, etc.
Lessons learned: The more the couple knows about each others' expectations after marriage, and the more they can set MUTUAL GOALS, the happier their lives will be! Sure, they know they can have fun together, but the business of Life involves more than that.
Outcome: We'll check back with Helen and Marty in a few years. Right now, they have a 50% chance of succeeding and a 50% chance of failing. Those are terrible odds! If they spent time discussing their future life after the wedding, I'd bet that those odds would greatly improve, in favor of success!
Please pay attention: God loves us and wants us to be happy! That means trying to find out what God thinks would make us happy. Read His Book and check out His Church. What could it hurt? He says quite a bit about proper planning.
This seems like risky business! There are a myriad of things they need to know about each other before the commitment of marriage. What about finances? Will they have a joint checking account or will they each have separate accounts. Money seems to be a large factor in divorces. What about buying a house? Are they going to save for a house? Will they start saving for retirement? Or will they spend every penny they earn? What is their pattern now? What about children? How many, more or less, would they like to have? When? Will one parent stay home with they children or will both keep their jobs and pay for childcare?
Other important questions may be: What about church? Right now, they go to separate churches. Will that continue? Years ago, male and female roles were well-defined. The husband earned the money, the wife stayed home with the children. That was easy! Today the women expect to work, most of them, for their whole lives. Some of the young women want to stay home and raise their children. Perhaps the prospective husband needs to know, so he won't count on that extra income forever.
Other problems in marriage center around the division of labor at home. In general, young women work at a paying job outside the home, are tired when they get home, and expect some kind of help from their husband with the cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, laundry, child care, yard care (if they have a yard), and car maintenance. Most men have no problems with cutting the grass (although I tell about one who didn't cut grass in this blog, August 11, 2013, "The Woman, The Corvette, and the Grass"), and most don't mind dealing with mechanics and cars. Yet, in my long life, I've only known two couples in which the husbands shared equally with the rest of the housework/childcare, and the wives had paying jobs outside the home. The rest of the women were chronically fatigued, and also chronically resentful that their husbands refused to 'lend a hand.'
What about education? Some men and women plan to get advanced degrees as soon as possible. Others couldn't care less. This would be a good thing to know. If you want that extra degree, would your spouse support you?
There are many less important items such as choice of furniture styles, having pets, where to spend vacations, how to spend holidays - together or at one parent's house, etc.
Lessons learned: The more the couple knows about each others' expectations after marriage, and the more they can set MUTUAL GOALS, the happier their lives will be! Sure, they know they can have fun together, but the business of Life involves more than that.
Outcome: We'll check back with Helen and Marty in a few years. Right now, they have a 50% chance of succeeding and a 50% chance of failing. Those are terrible odds! If they spent time discussing their future life after the wedding, I'd bet that those odds would greatly improve, in favor of success!
Please pay attention: God loves us and wants us to be happy! That means trying to find out what God thinks would make us happy. Read His Book and check out His Church. What could it hurt? He says quite a bit about proper planning.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Baggage #5: Past Memories of Cruelties
Background: "Baggage" are past hurts, attitudes, and habits that we bring with us through our lives. Baggage weighs us down, burdens us, prevents us from living the happy lives we could create. If we recognize this baggage, we can try to relieve ourselves of it and leave it in the past, where it belongs. (From this blog, September 13, 2013, "Baggage #2: Expectations", which I felt needed repeating.)
Situation: Rosa was one of the many severely depressed patients our psychiatric inpatient unit detoxed from an overdose/suicide attempt. She had been horribly mentally, sexually, and financially abused by her ex-husband many years ago. Suffering from frequent nightmares of the abuse, Rosa decided she couldn't take it any more, and, despairing, tried to end her pain permanently. Our task was to convince her that, while the memories would be still with her, she could decide to diminish them. We wanted her to believe that it was within her power to create a happy life for herself.
Lessons learned: Letting past cruelties continue to replay in our mind is like giving power to a corpse, like being visited from the grave! It is like living in a cold, black grave forever, without hope. To regain our mental health, we must BLOCK THOSE THOUGHTS! It is NOT EASY!
We can start with telling ourselves, from the start of a bad memory, "I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE POWER TO HURT ME ANYMORE - EVER! Then we have to replace the evil memory with something positive. That could be using our hands to concentrate on a craft we enjoy, or perhaps cooking. We could listen to pleasant music, look through a magazine, or read a book. Praying is always a great option; God always listens to us.
If nightmares wake us up, we need to block the memory: "I will not give you the power. . ." I promise you that if you start to do this every time a disturbing memory comes into your mind, the replays will gradually diminish, THEN THE NIGHTMARES WILL DISAPPEAR!
Also useful is occupying yourself - keeping busy - during the days and evenings. Exercise of any kind helps. Eat healthy food, lose weight if you need to, get stronger. Forgiveness of the one who hurt you, from your heart, will also help diminish the pain. It is over. It will never happen again.
Outcome: After two weeks of detox, talk therapy, and anti-depressant medications, Rosa appeared to have the strength to take charge of her own life. She made happy plans: visit her grown children and grandchildren, straighten out, clean, and paint the apartment which she had neglected, re-learn some crafts like crocheting that she had forgotten, and volunteer in a local women's shelter. We never knew how our patients fared after they left the hospital; we were not permitted to contact them. But Rosa was not readmitted when I was working there.
Keep this in the front of your mind: God loves you and wants you to be happy!
Situation: Rosa was one of the many severely depressed patients our psychiatric inpatient unit detoxed from an overdose/suicide attempt. She had been horribly mentally, sexually, and financially abused by her ex-husband many years ago. Suffering from frequent nightmares of the abuse, Rosa decided she couldn't take it any more, and, despairing, tried to end her pain permanently. Our task was to convince her that, while the memories would be still with her, she could decide to diminish them. We wanted her to believe that it was within her power to create a happy life for herself.
Lessons learned: Letting past cruelties continue to replay in our mind is like giving power to a corpse, like being visited from the grave! It is like living in a cold, black grave forever, without hope. To regain our mental health, we must BLOCK THOSE THOUGHTS! It is NOT EASY!
We can start with telling ourselves, from the start of a bad memory, "I WILL NOT GIVE YOU THE POWER TO HURT ME ANYMORE - EVER! Then we have to replace the evil memory with something positive. That could be using our hands to concentrate on a craft we enjoy, or perhaps cooking. We could listen to pleasant music, look through a magazine, or read a book. Praying is always a great option; God always listens to us.
If nightmares wake us up, we need to block the memory: "I will not give you the power. . ." I promise you that if you start to do this every time a disturbing memory comes into your mind, the replays will gradually diminish, THEN THE NIGHTMARES WILL DISAPPEAR!
Also useful is occupying yourself - keeping busy - during the days and evenings. Exercise of any kind helps. Eat healthy food, lose weight if you need to, get stronger. Forgiveness of the one who hurt you, from your heart, will also help diminish the pain. It is over. It will never happen again.
Outcome: After two weeks of detox, talk therapy, and anti-depressant medications, Rosa appeared to have the strength to take charge of her own life. She made happy plans: visit her grown children and grandchildren, straighten out, clean, and paint the apartment which she had neglected, re-learn some crafts like crocheting that she had forgotten, and volunteer in a local women's shelter. We never knew how our patients fared after they left the hospital; we were not permitted to contact them. But Rosa was not readmitted when I was working there.
Keep this in the front of your mind: God loves you and wants you to be happy!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Love's Rewards
Today is Sunday, the Day of the Lord in my Christian faith. More than ever, now that I'm retired, I strive to "keep Holy" the Lord's Day. Besides going to church, I can rest, recharge, and think 'churchy' thoughts.
My mind wandered to the Sundays when my children were young, not even in high school yet. We never missed going to church, praise God! I tried to make Sundays special by having a better than average meal, and by using a tablecloth and napkins at the main meal.
And we always had centerpieces on the table. Each child old enough to understand the gospel reading, took a turn, a Sunday at a time, depicting the message by using Barbie dolls and all the small props they desired.
Picture the center of the table on the Sunday Jesus called Peter, James, and John to be "fishers of men." There was a toy boat in the middle with a boy Barbie (Ken) in it. He was Jesus. Outside were three other boy Barbies. Odd toy fish were around the boat. And after we all said the prayer of thanksgiving (you know, "Bless us, O Lord. . .), the child in charge would tell the story of how Jesus called his first disciples as we passed around the bowls of food. Every one of them always relished being the center of attention!
The girls particularly enjoyed the Sunday about Jesus' first miracle at the Wedding at Cana. Then they could bring out Barbie in her bride's outfit, Ken as a fancy groom, and other Barbies as bridesmaids. Jesus, of course, changed the water into wine. I didn't think they'd understand that 2,000 years ago, Jewish brides didn't look a bit like their Barbies. But we had FUN!
This blog, "If Only I Had Known" is aimed towards finding out how to avoid disastrous relationships between folks of all ages. But also, we want to teach the young ones the rewards of good relationships, the Rewards of Love. Whether you are blessed with one or several or many children, they are the life-long rewards of love. There is no achievement, award, or amount of money that can come close to equaling the joy of raising children!
Being a parent is co-creating with God. To be sure, parenthood demands your ALL! But to see the little ones learn and grow is wonderful. I'm not saying I've raised perfect children, in any way. They've all made mistakes, just like I did. But overall, I know they're doing the best they can, as I feel I did the very best I could to be their mom.
What if children are not a part of your life? Every woman has a certain amount of 'mothering' in her, and every man has 'fathering' qualities. These can be spent on your job, volunteering, or with your other relatives.
Remember: No matter what, God loves us and wants us to be happy!
My mind wandered to the Sundays when my children were young, not even in high school yet. We never missed going to church, praise God! I tried to make Sundays special by having a better than average meal, and by using a tablecloth and napkins at the main meal.
And we always had centerpieces on the table. Each child old enough to understand the gospel reading, took a turn, a Sunday at a time, depicting the message by using Barbie dolls and all the small props they desired.
Picture the center of the table on the Sunday Jesus called Peter, James, and John to be "fishers of men." There was a toy boat in the middle with a boy Barbie (Ken) in it. He was Jesus. Outside were three other boy Barbies. Odd toy fish were around the boat. And after we all said the prayer of thanksgiving (you know, "Bless us, O Lord. . .), the child in charge would tell the story of how Jesus called his first disciples as we passed around the bowls of food. Every one of them always relished being the center of attention!
The girls particularly enjoyed the Sunday about Jesus' first miracle at the Wedding at Cana. Then they could bring out Barbie in her bride's outfit, Ken as a fancy groom, and other Barbies as bridesmaids. Jesus, of course, changed the water into wine. I didn't think they'd understand that 2,000 years ago, Jewish brides didn't look a bit like their Barbies. But we had FUN!
This blog, "If Only I Had Known" is aimed towards finding out how to avoid disastrous relationships between folks of all ages. But also, we want to teach the young ones the rewards of good relationships, the Rewards of Love. Whether you are blessed with one or several or many children, they are the life-long rewards of love. There is no achievement, award, or amount of money that can come close to equaling the joy of raising children!
Being a parent is co-creating with God. To be sure, parenthood demands your ALL! But to see the little ones learn and grow is wonderful. I'm not saying I've raised perfect children, in any way. They've all made mistakes, just like I did. But overall, I know they're doing the best they can, as I feel I did the very best I could to be their mom.
What if children are not a part of your life? Every woman has a certain amount of 'mothering' in her, and every man has 'fathering' qualities. These can be spent on your job, volunteering, or with your other relatives.
Remember: No matter what, God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Of Fears and Strange Moans
Situation: Cammie, her parents. and her siblings moved into a big old house when she was ten years old. Since Cammie was the oldest child, she was given her own room. Cammie had the usual childhood fears of spiders, mice, and snakes, but there was another fear that was worse. Cammie heard 'moans' on the roof outside her dormer windows. She heard these scary sounds either at night or in the early morning when her curtains were closed. Cammie was sure that very dirty, very old, bummy men were slowly climbing up the incline of the roof to get her and hurt her. The little girl cowered in fear, pulling up her blanket over her head so they couldn't find her. She had to be very sure to not let her feet hang over her bed because if one of the bad men were under her bed, he would grab her.
After Cammie got tired of being afraid, she would throw off her covers, run to the stairs, and join her family for breakfast. By the time she got downstairs, she always forgot about the moans. She never thought to tell her parents.
The years went on and Cammie was in high school. One early morning, she heard the moans. She got mad! "What on earth is out there that has been scaring me so much? " she thought. Cammie resolved, "Well, I'll just have to see for myself. I can run fast if I need to!"
Cammie walked over to her windows, threw open her curtains, and let her window shade up with a bang. What did she find? Pigeons! They were all over the roof. Cammie laughed to herself. Never again would she be afraid. She would deal with it!
Lessons learned: So many people are crippled with fears: what might happen? . . . if I see a dog I'll cross to the other side of the street . . . I stay inside because there are wasps in my yard. . . what if my boss doesn't like me and fires me? . . . What if? . . . What if?
The mentally healthy attitude is to face your fears and decide if they're real or not. Always we have to have a respect for natural dangers (traffic, wild animals, weapons, etc.). But to fear what might happen wastes our time and saps our energy. Know in your heart that whatever happens, you CAN deal with it!
These blog entries are aimed at creating and maintaining wholesome, loving relationships. The first task to achieving that is knowing ourselves very well and striving to be the best person we can be. I do hope you'll help us by commenting and offering your own situations, anonymously, if you like.
Outcome: 99% of what's in my blog comes from those I've known over the years. Of course, like I mentioned in Blog #1 (Monday, May 20, 2013: "Why Start a Relationship Blog"), names and other identifying info is changed. Cammie is me! I'll have to ask all my adult children if they had some fear like that. I would hate to think they cowered under their blankets like I did, for a fear that was not real.
Remember, God loves us and wants us to be happy!
After Cammie got tired of being afraid, she would throw off her covers, run to the stairs, and join her family for breakfast. By the time she got downstairs, she always forgot about the moans. She never thought to tell her parents.
The years went on and Cammie was in high school. One early morning, she heard the moans. She got mad! "What on earth is out there that has been scaring me so much? " she thought. Cammie resolved, "Well, I'll just have to see for myself. I can run fast if I need to!"
Cammie walked over to her windows, threw open her curtains, and let her window shade up with a bang. What did she find? Pigeons! They were all over the roof. Cammie laughed to herself. Never again would she be afraid. She would deal with it!
Lessons learned: So many people are crippled with fears: what might happen? . . . if I see a dog I'll cross to the other side of the street . . . I stay inside because there are wasps in my yard. . . what if my boss doesn't like me and fires me? . . . What if? . . . What if?
The mentally healthy attitude is to face your fears and decide if they're real or not. Always we have to have a respect for natural dangers (traffic, wild animals, weapons, etc.). But to fear what might happen wastes our time and saps our energy. Know in your heart that whatever happens, you CAN deal with it!
These blog entries are aimed at creating and maintaining wholesome, loving relationships. The first task to achieving that is knowing ourselves very well and striving to be the best person we can be. I do hope you'll help us by commenting and offering your own situations, anonymously, if you like.
Outcome: 99% of what's in my blog comes from those I've known over the years. Of course, like I mentioned in Blog #1 (Monday, May 20, 2013: "Why Start a Relationship Blog"), names and other identifying info is changed. Cammie is me! I'll have to ask all my adult children if they had some fear like that. I would hate to think they cowered under their blankets like I did, for a fear that was not real.
Remember, God loves us and wants us to be happy!
Friday, October 11, 2013
The Grieving Friend or Spouse
Situation: Janelle, a close friend, and I were talking about grief. She shared that some years ago, she had experienced a miscarriage. The baby was two months along. Having gone to her doctor once, she knew she was pregnant. She relates, "I had been spotting for several days. Then all of a sudden, I passed this pinkish-grey mass and knew what it was, the baby. I took it and baptized it because that's what my religion says to do. Realizing what had happened, I felt dizzy for a few seconds, just like my world had collapsed. I felt certain that I had lost a little boy. I tried very hard to get back into the swing of things but I couldn't. I was mildly depressed for several months."
Janelle barely had time to know she was pregnant, let alone, tell the whole world. Other than her doctor, Janelle told no one except her husband, Gabe. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh, well." No comforting words or hugs were given. So Janelle grieved alone.
Lessons learned: How lonely it is to grieve by yourself! What could Gabe have said? Perhaps, "I'm so sorry," would be the minimum to express caring. He could have spared a few hugs, after all, it was his child, too.
It's very awkward to have a friend or spouse grieve. We never seem to find the right words. We want to express our caring and also don't want to say the wrong thing. At least, we could say, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Sometimes actions speak louder than words. In Grandma's time, the community showed their caring by bringing great volumes of food to the grieving one's house after the funeral for the relatives who were bound to linger. Now, this function is done by the many churches who have a dinner for the funeral attendees after the funeral. How caring!
But we can't let it go there. After a few weeks, we need to call that friend and ask if they might like us to visit or come with us to a certain event.
Recently, I suffered a deep loss. After a few days, I thought of the 'Stages of Grief' presented by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross some years ago: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance. I can attest that I suffered with every stage but am getting used to "Acceptance." I felt so grateful for friends and family who deeply cared and showed it!
Losses can be great or small. They can affect different persons in different ways. Kubler-Ross said that from Stage 1 through 5 is not necessarily a straight path. You may progress for a while and then regress. But having support definitely helps the grieving person.
Outcome: Janelle has never forgot about the lost child and has named him. She expects to see him waiting for her in heaven! As for her husband, in time she discovered the reality that not only did he not love her, he was incapable of loving. The marriage did not last.
Our Take-Away on This: It's never wrong to show you care!
Janelle barely had time to know she was pregnant, let alone, tell the whole world. Other than her doctor, Janelle told no one except her husband, Gabe. He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh, well." No comforting words or hugs were given. So Janelle grieved alone.
Lessons learned: How lonely it is to grieve by yourself! What could Gabe have said? Perhaps, "I'm so sorry," would be the minimum to express caring. He could have spared a few hugs, after all, it was his child, too.
It's very awkward to have a friend or spouse grieve. We never seem to find the right words. We want to express our caring and also don't want to say the wrong thing. At least, we could say, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
Sometimes actions speak louder than words. In Grandma's time, the community showed their caring by bringing great volumes of food to the grieving one's house after the funeral for the relatives who were bound to linger. Now, this function is done by the many churches who have a dinner for the funeral attendees after the funeral. How caring!
But we can't let it go there. After a few weeks, we need to call that friend and ask if they might like us to visit or come with us to a certain event.
Recently, I suffered a deep loss. After a few days, I thought of the 'Stages of Grief' presented by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross some years ago: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance. I can attest that I suffered with every stage but am getting used to "Acceptance." I felt so grateful for friends and family who deeply cared and showed it!
Losses can be great or small. They can affect different persons in different ways. Kubler-Ross said that from Stage 1 through 5 is not necessarily a straight path. You may progress for a while and then regress. But having support definitely helps the grieving person.
Outcome: Janelle has never forgot about the lost child and has named him. She expects to see him waiting for her in heaven! As for her husband, in time she discovered the reality that not only did he not love her, he was incapable of loving. The marriage did not last.
Our Take-Away on This: It's never wrong to show you care!
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Sports Nuts
Background: Much of America today highly values men and women who devote their entire lives to succeeding in a sport. Some are highly compensated. Participation in sports is encouraged in our school-age children, especially if the child seems physically large and gifted.
Situation: Jack was a young tennis instructor. He valued physical fitness and 'worked out' daily at a gym. His wife, Marie, on the other hand, was a total couch potato. She was a good deal taller than Jack, and quite heavy. She supported Jack and was often present at his tennis lessons. I don't know how they made their marriage work since they were so opposite in views on sports, or so it appeared, but they did.
Steve, on the other hand, was a sports lover of a different kind. He tried joining several softball teams but was just not accepted by the other players. He quit because he thought there were too many 'cliques.' So he watched sports on TV, every sport known to humanity played with a ball. He kept incredible statistics on the major teams. He thought he knew more than all the coaches. His goal was to predict the winners with more accuracy than the newspaper columnists.
His wife, Zoe, was concerned that he spent nearly every minute outside of work and sleep in front of the TV. How could there possible be so many sports on TV every minute of the day and night, year around! That was bad enough, but if one of their little children or even Zoe herself had to pass in front of the TV, Steve would scream at them, "Get outta the way!" Zoe couldn't stay up as late as Steve did, watching sports on TV till 12 midnight or even 1 a.m. So she was very, very lonely.
Lessons learned: It is one thing to be a single person and devote your life to a sport or, for that matter, to anything. It is quite different if you're married, especially with children. It is selfish to ignore your family for your own exclusive interests, whatever they may be. The Bible is right, MODERATION IS THE KEY TO A GOOD LIFE. Steve's 'interest' in sports was really nothing other than an addiction. Another major problem with addiction in America is preoccupation with the internet.
Outcome: Steve's extreme complete absorption with TV sports was a symptom of a deep selfishness and near total disregard for Zoe and the children. In time, they divorced. I haven't heard about Jack and Marie for many years, since my children were finished with their lessons.
Our Take-away on this: Folks need to date long enough, the younger, the longer, to be able to know very well their prospective mates' interests and character. Is there enough room in his or her life for you?
Situation: Jack was a young tennis instructor. He valued physical fitness and 'worked out' daily at a gym. His wife, Marie, on the other hand, was a total couch potato. She was a good deal taller than Jack, and quite heavy. She supported Jack and was often present at his tennis lessons. I don't know how they made their marriage work since they were so opposite in views on sports, or so it appeared, but they did.
Steve, on the other hand, was a sports lover of a different kind. He tried joining several softball teams but was just not accepted by the other players. He quit because he thought there were too many 'cliques.' So he watched sports on TV, every sport known to humanity played with a ball. He kept incredible statistics on the major teams. He thought he knew more than all the coaches. His goal was to predict the winners with more accuracy than the newspaper columnists.
His wife, Zoe, was concerned that he spent nearly every minute outside of work and sleep in front of the TV. How could there possible be so many sports on TV every minute of the day and night, year around! That was bad enough, but if one of their little children or even Zoe herself had to pass in front of the TV, Steve would scream at them, "Get outta the way!" Zoe couldn't stay up as late as Steve did, watching sports on TV till 12 midnight or even 1 a.m. So she was very, very lonely.
Lessons learned: It is one thing to be a single person and devote your life to a sport or, for that matter, to anything. It is quite different if you're married, especially with children. It is selfish to ignore your family for your own exclusive interests, whatever they may be. The Bible is right, MODERATION IS THE KEY TO A GOOD LIFE. Steve's 'interest' in sports was really nothing other than an addiction. Another major problem with addiction in America is preoccupation with the internet.
Outcome: Steve's extreme complete absorption with TV sports was a symptom of a deep selfishness and near total disregard for Zoe and the children. In time, they divorced. I haven't heard about Jack and Marie for many years, since my children were finished with their lessons.
Our Take-away on this: Folks need to date long enough, the younger, the longer, to be able to know very well their prospective mates' interests and character. Is there enough room in his or her life for you?
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Gifts, Really?
Situation: Marcy was talking once about her gift-receiving problem. She had fond memories of her husband, Howard, before they were married, giving her lovely, expensive gifts: jewelry, fur accessories, and candy. Since they had been married, he gave her 100% practical gifts, for both her birthdays and for Christmas. He was in the habit of sending her a card for every occasion, even the anniversary of their first date, before they were married. The cards continued after marriage, only fewer of them.
Marcy had told Howard several times, she appreciated the heavy flannel pajamas, kitchen appliances, and other stuff she could use, but really would like something more personal, like he used to give her, even if it was inexpensive. Howard continued to ignore her and gave her a blanket, diet cookbooks, and one, time, a man's heavy terrycloth robe.
Marcy knew it was 'the thought that counted,' and she didn't know why Howard ignored her.
Lessons learned: The key word in this account is "ignore." Surprises are fun, but if a 'practical' gift is specifically not wanted, why would someone continue to give them? The answer was in Howard's other behavior. One time, for one of their wedding anniversaries, Howard took Marcy out to dinner and a movie. Marcy was feeling pretty good about this until Howard told her, "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for the children."
Another lesson: Marcy felt that the diet cookbooks were given just as another way of nagging her to lose weight. She knew she was overweight but just couldn't deal with it then. This was really not a gift.
Outcome: Several years later, the couple divorced.
Our take-away on this: So many folks give the gifts that they themselves would like to have. It takes a lot of thought to find out what the other person likes and give that, but it shows a lot of love it you try.
Marcy had told Howard several times, she appreciated the heavy flannel pajamas, kitchen appliances, and other stuff she could use, but really would like something more personal, like he used to give her, even if it was inexpensive. Howard continued to ignore her and gave her a blanket, diet cookbooks, and one, time, a man's heavy terrycloth robe.
Marcy knew it was 'the thought that counted,' and she didn't know why Howard ignored her.
Lessons learned: The key word in this account is "ignore." Surprises are fun, but if a 'practical' gift is specifically not wanted, why would someone continue to give them? The answer was in Howard's other behavior. One time, for one of their wedding anniversaries, Howard took Marcy out to dinner and a movie. Marcy was feeling pretty good about this until Howard told her, "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for the children."
Another lesson: Marcy felt that the diet cookbooks were given just as another way of nagging her to lose weight. She knew she was overweight but just couldn't deal with it then. This was really not a gift.
Outcome: Several years later, the couple divorced.
Our take-away on this: So many folks give the gifts that they themselves would like to have. It takes a lot of thought to find out what the other person likes and give that, but it shows a lot of love it you try.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Ladies and Gentlemen
Is it important to look like and act like you are either a lady or a gentleman? You bet! If there was one thing I was taught well when growing up, it was how to be a lady. See if you agree.
A lady is 'mannerly.' Having manners doesn't mean knowing which knife or fork to use for weird food, although it may rarely be useful to know this, having manners means making sure each and every person you encounter feels comfortable with you. A lady NEVER looks down her nose at anyone with disapproval; a lady doesn't judge. A lady speaks softly and never uses curse words. OK, I lapsed on that one on occasion, having 'hollered' at my children a few times and finding that some situations in nursing definitely called for a curse word or two. A lady is always clean and well-groomed, and dresses modestly. A lady is a good citizen, attends church, votes, and volunteers for good causes if she can. A lady defers to a gentleman when he tries to help her by opening doors and being seated at a table. I find this to be one of the finer things of life! It certainly proves that a female who acts ladylike will be respected.
A gentleman is mannerly, doesn't judge others, and doesn't use curse words. The Bible says that using 'profane' language is wrong. Other sources say it is the sign of a limited vocabulary. A gentleman is clean and well-groomed, a good citizen attends church, votes, and volunteers for good causes when he can. A gentleman assist ladies in opening doors and helping them get seated at a table. A gentleman respects ladies and is respected by ladies.
It goes without saying that both ladies and gentlemen would never, ever drink too much alcohol nor would they even suggest that their dates 'go too far.' If you haven't tried acting like and being a lady or a gentleman, try it! You might enjoy the feelings of respect, particularly, self-respect!
A lady is 'mannerly.' Having manners doesn't mean knowing which knife or fork to use for weird food, although it may rarely be useful to know this, having manners means making sure each and every person you encounter feels comfortable with you. A lady NEVER looks down her nose at anyone with disapproval; a lady doesn't judge. A lady speaks softly and never uses curse words. OK, I lapsed on that one on occasion, having 'hollered' at my children a few times and finding that some situations in nursing definitely called for a curse word or two. A lady is always clean and well-groomed, and dresses modestly. A lady is a good citizen, attends church, votes, and volunteers for good causes if she can. A lady defers to a gentleman when he tries to help her by opening doors and being seated at a table. I find this to be one of the finer things of life! It certainly proves that a female who acts ladylike will be respected.
A gentleman is mannerly, doesn't judge others, and doesn't use curse words. The Bible says that using 'profane' language is wrong. Other sources say it is the sign of a limited vocabulary. A gentleman is clean and well-groomed, a good citizen attends church, votes, and volunteers for good causes when he can. A gentleman assist ladies in opening doors and helping them get seated at a table. A gentleman respects ladies and is respected by ladies.
It goes without saying that both ladies and gentlemen would never, ever drink too much alcohol nor would they even suggest that their dates 'go too far.' If you haven't tried acting like and being a lady or a gentleman, try it! You might enjoy the feelings of respect, particularly, self-respect!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Love Across the Miles
Situation #1: Lucy met her boyfriend, Travis, at a friend's house. It was the summer of her junior year in high school. Travis was 19 years old, out of high school, working for the past year, and visiting a relative. They quickly fell in love but Travis was already committed to leave for the Navy in October. Before he left, he asked Lucy to marry him. She accepted. Travis didn't know how long he would be gone.
Situation #2: Fran and Dominic were both in college, both living at home in the same town. They had been dating for eight months when Fran's dad was transferred to a distant city. They had planned to marry after they graduated from college and had jobs. Fran enrolled in the college in the new city. Dominic was only able to visit Fran every six weeks and stayed with her family in her brother's room when he came.
Lessons learned: When married couples are separated by many miles, it is usually due to job changes; a time is in sight when they will be re-united. They already know each other well and can tolerate this.
When one person of a dating couple moves far away, the whole relationship changes. Dating should be a time of testing the relationship. Is this person reliable, honest? What will happen when the inevitable problem comes? How will he or she react? Before committing to marriage, a relationship must be close and constant. Seeing a person several days a week, perhaps every day, shows more of a person's character than a long-distance relationship. Sure, a person can pour out their hearts in letters, e-mails, and even frequent texts. This is NOT the same as a real, continuous relationship. Dating one weekend every one or two months is not enough!
Outcome #1: Travis told Lucy before he left, "I'm not giving you an engagement ring now. You should have the freedom to date during your last year in high school." Lucy agreed. They exchanged frequent letters. Lucy didn't really want to date but she did ask guy friends to take her to the high school socials. Lucy told her mom and dad about her plans with Travis; they liked Travis. Dad told her, "That's OK, Lucy, but you realize that if you and Travis marry, you'll always have to work because he's just a Seaman."
Immediately after 'boot camp,' Travis left for overseas so Lucy didn't seem him all winter. By April, Lucy was thinking she might change her plans. First, when she married and had children, she definitely wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to raise her own kids. She would never be able to do this with Travis. Secondly, she really wanted to go to college. She wrote to Travis, "I have the opportunity to go to college. No one in my family ever graduated from college before. I feel I need to do this." Soon Travis called her, very, very, upset, "Do you really want to do this?" Lucy answered, "Yes, I want to." And they never had any contact again.
Outcome #2: Fran and Dominic were able to have their wedding shortly after they graduated. Hours after they married, Fran realized that he was not the person she thought he was. He had put on a really good 'front,' and had lied to her. In time, they divorced.
Our Take-Away from This: Don't be afraid to tell the young people (and older ones, also) you know who are planning to marry about the perils of a long-distance relationship if this is what they have. Parents, encourage the couple to live in the same city (but not co-habit) long enough to 'test' the intended spouse. They might not appreciate your advice but would rather not be in a horrible union. The younger they are, the more careful they need to be! What do you think?
Situation #2: Fran and Dominic were both in college, both living at home in the same town. They had been dating for eight months when Fran's dad was transferred to a distant city. They had planned to marry after they graduated from college and had jobs. Fran enrolled in the college in the new city. Dominic was only able to visit Fran every six weeks and stayed with her family in her brother's room when he came.
Lessons learned: When married couples are separated by many miles, it is usually due to job changes; a time is in sight when they will be re-united. They already know each other well and can tolerate this.
When one person of a dating couple moves far away, the whole relationship changes. Dating should be a time of testing the relationship. Is this person reliable, honest? What will happen when the inevitable problem comes? How will he or she react? Before committing to marriage, a relationship must be close and constant. Seeing a person several days a week, perhaps every day, shows more of a person's character than a long-distance relationship. Sure, a person can pour out their hearts in letters, e-mails, and even frequent texts. This is NOT the same as a real, continuous relationship. Dating one weekend every one or two months is not enough!
Outcome #1: Travis told Lucy before he left, "I'm not giving you an engagement ring now. You should have the freedom to date during your last year in high school." Lucy agreed. They exchanged frequent letters. Lucy didn't really want to date but she did ask guy friends to take her to the high school socials. Lucy told her mom and dad about her plans with Travis; they liked Travis. Dad told her, "That's OK, Lucy, but you realize that if you and Travis marry, you'll always have to work because he's just a Seaman."
Immediately after 'boot camp,' Travis left for overseas so Lucy didn't seem him all winter. By April, Lucy was thinking she might change her plans. First, when she married and had children, she definitely wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to raise her own kids. She would never be able to do this with Travis. Secondly, she really wanted to go to college. She wrote to Travis, "I have the opportunity to go to college. No one in my family ever graduated from college before. I feel I need to do this." Soon Travis called her, very, very, upset, "Do you really want to do this?" Lucy answered, "Yes, I want to." And they never had any contact again.
Outcome #2: Fran and Dominic were able to have their wedding shortly after they graduated. Hours after they married, Fran realized that he was not the person she thought he was. He had put on a really good 'front,' and had lied to her. In time, they divorced.
Our Take-Away from This: Don't be afraid to tell the young people (and older ones, also) you know who are planning to marry about the perils of a long-distance relationship if this is what they have. Parents, encourage the couple to live in the same city (but not co-habit) long enough to 'test' the intended spouse. They might not appreciate your advice but would rather not be in a horrible union. The younger they are, the more careful they need to be! What do you think?
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Trying to Forgive
Situation: Jeremy and Mindy had been married many years, having both adult and teen children. Jeremy had cruelly verbally abused Mindy the whole time. At one point, Mindy was at the point of suicide. But a child's birthday was coming up soon. So she waited. Then the Christmas holidays were approaching. And she waited. After the first of the year, Mindy thought she might as well see if counseling would help.
There was an amazing transformation! She finally felt that her destiny was in her hands! She was so excited, she couldn't sleep. She snuck out of bed, went to another room, opened the curtains, and just noticed how beautiful the stars were. It took years from that night to get strong enough for action, but Mindy did it. She decided to see a lawyer and divorce Jeremy.
Lessons learned: There is always a way out of a bad life. But the person needs to reach out and get help. Domestic Violence should never be tolerated. But Mindy thought that because she seemed to be, at least early on, the only victim, she could 'take it' and the family would not be split up. She learned that she had her limit.
When Mindy told Jeremy that she had seen a lawyer and the court date was ---, he smoothly whined, "Can you forgive me?" Mindy thought, then replied, "Yes, I forgive you. But I can never forget. I see you and I see PAIN."
Outcome: It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life, but Mindy divorced Jeremy. The whole family is happier, even Jeremy, but he would never admit it. He bores everyone with the same story and no one believes him, "I know that we'll get married again someday. I still love her." Mindy says, "I know he is NOT CAPABLE of LOVE."
Our own take on this: The one thing Mindy did not know was the effect of the children witnessing the abuse. This was training the boys to be abusers, and the girls to be victims. She says, "If I had it to do over again, I'd have left him the day after we were married."
Note: please read this blog, Sunday, August 3, 2013: "Very, very important recommendation!" for what I consider the 'Bible' of knowledge of abusers and how to deal with them.
There was an amazing transformation! She finally felt that her destiny was in her hands! She was so excited, she couldn't sleep. She snuck out of bed, went to another room, opened the curtains, and just noticed how beautiful the stars were. It took years from that night to get strong enough for action, but Mindy did it. She decided to see a lawyer and divorce Jeremy.
Lessons learned: There is always a way out of a bad life. But the person needs to reach out and get help. Domestic Violence should never be tolerated. But Mindy thought that because she seemed to be, at least early on, the only victim, she could 'take it' and the family would not be split up. She learned that she had her limit.
When Mindy told Jeremy that she had seen a lawyer and the court date was ---, he smoothly whined, "Can you forgive me?" Mindy thought, then replied, "Yes, I forgive you. But I can never forget. I see you and I see PAIN."
Outcome: It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life, but Mindy divorced Jeremy. The whole family is happier, even Jeremy, but he would never admit it. He bores everyone with the same story and no one believes him, "I know that we'll get married again someday. I still love her." Mindy says, "I know he is NOT CAPABLE of LOVE."
Our own take on this: The one thing Mindy did not know was the effect of the children witnessing the abuse. This was training the boys to be abusers, and the girls to be victims. She says, "If I had it to do over again, I'd have left him the day after we were married."
Note: please read this blog, Sunday, August 3, 2013: "Very, very important recommendation!" for what I consider the 'Bible' of knowledge of abusers and how to deal with them.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Femi-Nazis
Background: Those of us old enough to remember the American Feminists, remember that the movement started with Betty Friedan's book in 1963, "The Feminine Mystique." Ms. Friedan and those who climbed on her bandwagon hawked the message that women were not fulfilled if they were only wives and mothers. Women had to have a paying job, like the men, to be 'fulfilled.'
These women wanted EQUALITY in all things with the men. That meant, equal pay for equal work. It meant, for them, unrestricted access to sex without fear of pregnancy. At that time also, the Birth Control Pill appeared on the market which seemed to give women what they wanted.
In time, these Feminists wanted guarantees in the United States Constitution that women would get equal rights in everything. An amendment to the Constitution was introduced in 1972 which promised this. It passed Congress but never got ratified by the required number of states by 1982.
Keep in mind that all the feminist leaders were college-educated women with jobs that paid much more than the average woman earned.
Situation: Martin, a middle-aged gentleman, has worked in the same government office with mostly the same women for over thirty years. He likes his work and, with difficulty, has survived working with colleagues that have, at various times, 1) tried to get him fired, 2) openly verbally attacked him, and 3) even lied about him to his bosses.
Martin calls his female colleagues "Femi-Nazis" because "I feel that, in their hearts, they hate men, and when they band together, they are nothing more than bullies." Those in his same position started out being paid less than Martin but quickly gained the equal pay they deserved, even though they had neither the education nor the experience that Martin did. "I don't begrudge them that," Martin disclosed.
Lessons learned: After 50 years of "feminism," the axis of our American world has changed. The nuclear family of mom, dad, and the children is no longer protected and championed. In its place we are supposed to tolerate all manner of 'alternate' lifestyles to satisfy the 'equality' of everyone. In its place, now the younger men and women expect that the woman will always work outside the home. In its place we have generations of children raised by overcrowded daycare centers and the television soap operas and sit-coms.
One lesson women learned was that most men were not 'fulfilled' either, even with their jobs for pay. The great majority of women, as well as men, have 'jobs,' not 'careers.' A job is something you have set hours for, you do what the boss says, and when you go home you forget about it. A career is something you enjoy getting the continuing education needed to update, you have a good measure of control over, and you love. Many people like their careers so much that they would work without pay (and some do!) if their bills were paid!
What about the sexual equality the femi-nazis wanted? The Pill was never tested long enough to even know what the side effects may be! A 'need' was created by media to make every woman think she had to have a job and that every child MUST be PLANNED. I could go on about this! One fact for you: in the early days of The Pill, women were so desperate to not be pregnant that they didn't tell their doctors about the bad side effects (blackouts when driving, horrible abdominal pain, severe depression, etc.). Also, with The Pill, a woman could have sex whenever and with whomever she pleased (just like a man!!!) but she also could get S.T.D.s (sexually transmitted diseases, only one disease, if she was lucky, not AIDS, if she was lucky). And, if she got pregnant, by courtesy of the United Supreme Court in 1973, she had the LEGAL RIGHT to Kill the Baby by ABORTION!
Yes, women managed to mostly get equal pay for equal work. This is good, very good.
If I can find time in my happy retirement, I plan to research the topic of "Fifty Years of Feminism: Have We Gained or Have We Lost?"
Outcome: Martin is tough, he is fair, he is respectful, he 'knows the ropes' in the job world. He still works at the same job. "Why not?" says Martin, lightheartedly. "I really like my work. I'm close to retirement now. The scene would probably be the same in every other department. I can take the 'heat' of their frustrations if I need to."
Our Take on This: We need to be sure of our values. If family is important to us, the least we can do is know the positions of people who would create our laws and determine theirs WHEN we vote!
These women wanted EQUALITY in all things with the men. That meant, equal pay for equal work. It meant, for them, unrestricted access to sex without fear of pregnancy. At that time also, the Birth Control Pill appeared on the market which seemed to give women what they wanted.
In time, these Feminists wanted guarantees in the United States Constitution that women would get equal rights in everything. An amendment to the Constitution was introduced in 1972 which promised this. It passed Congress but never got ratified by the required number of states by 1982.
Keep in mind that all the feminist leaders were college-educated women with jobs that paid much more than the average woman earned.
Situation: Martin, a middle-aged gentleman, has worked in the same government office with mostly the same women for over thirty years. He likes his work and, with difficulty, has survived working with colleagues that have, at various times, 1) tried to get him fired, 2) openly verbally attacked him, and 3) even lied about him to his bosses.
Martin calls his female colleagues "Femi-Nazis" because "I feel that, in their hearts, they hate men, and when they band together, they are nothing more than bullies." Those in his same position started out being paid less than Martin but quickly gained the equal pay they deserved, even though they had neither the education nor the experience that Martin did. "I don't begrudge them that," Martin disclosed.
Lessons learned: After 50 years of "feminism," the axis of our American world has changed. The nuclear family of mom, dad, and the children is no longer protected and championed. In its place we are supposed to tolerate all manner of 'alternate' lifestyles to satisfy the 'equality' of everyone. In its place, now the younger men and women expect that the woman will always work outside the home. In its place we have generations of children raised by overcrowded daycare centers and the television soap operas and sit-coms.
One lesson women learned was that most men were not 'fulfilled' either, even with their jobs for pay. The great majority of women, as well as men, have 'jobs,' not 'careers.' A job is something you have set hours for, you do what the boss says, and when you go home you forget about it. A career is something you enjoy getting the continuing education needed to update, you have a good measure of control over, and you love. Many people like their careers so much that they would work without pay (and some do!) if their bills were paid!
What about the sexual equality the femi-nazis wanted? The Pill was never tested long enough to even know what the side effects may be! A 'need' was created by media to make every woman think she had to have a job and that every child MUST be PLANNED. I could go on about this! One fact for you: in the early days of The Pill, women were so desperate to not be pregnant that they didn't tell their doctors about the bad side effects (blackouts when driving, horrible abdominal pain, severe depression, etc.). Also, with The Pill, a woman could have sex whenever and with whomever she pleased (just like a man!!!) but she also could get S.T.D.s (sexually transmitted diseases, only one disease, if she was lucky, not AIDS, if she was lucky). And, if she got pregnant, by courtesy of the United Supreme Court in 1973, she had the LEGAL RIGHT to Kill the Baby by ABORTION!
Yes, women managed to mostly get equal pay for equal work. This is good, very good.
If I can find time in my happy retirement, I plan to research the topic of "Fifty Years of Feminism: Have We Gained or Have We Lost?"
Outcome: Martin is tough, he is fair, he is respectful, he 'knows the ropes' in the job world. He still works at the same job. "Why not?" says Martin, lightheartedly. "I really like my work. I'm close to retirement now. The scene would probably be the same in every other department. I can take the 'heat' of their frustrations if I need to."
Our Take on This: We need to be sure of our values. If family is important to us, the least we can do is know the positions of people who would create our laws and determine theirs WHEN we vote!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
We Need Family!
Situation: Quite a few of my friends are living alone. Some are widows, some are divorced, one was never married. A recent article in the Lexington Herald-Leader newspaper (8-29-13) reported, "A growing share of Americans live alone, despite the economic woes lingering after the recession, a new report from the U.S. Census Bureau shows.
The article quoted Eric Klinenberg, "The rise of living alone is the greatest social change of the last 50 years." This seems odd to me, given that so many young people are moving back in with their parents due to job loss. But other facts contribute to an increase from 17% living alone in 1970 to 27% today: many are waiting later to marry and elderly people are living longer.
The reality is that all of us, no matter what our situation is, need to be able to live alone, if, for any reason, we have to. It really helps to have family in the same city! Our families know our history, can forgive what they need to, will try to fit our needs into their schedules.
And what is there is no 'kin?' We can create our own family, our own support network! I am convinced that the best, most easily available, willing support systems are churches. There is no end to the help church members try to give each other.
Remember Flight 5191 crashing here in Lexington, Kentucky in 2006? One of our church member's husbands was killed in that tragic event. Our ladies supported her with food, babysitting, whatever she needed for as long as she needed. I'm sure that such giving was repeated many times over with other passengers' families.
Besides churches, there are many fun classes, political groups, clubs, etc. Be a part!
Lessons learned: People who suddenly find themselves living alone after a long marriage don't do well if they were too dependent on their spouses. You've heard of widows or widowers dying within a year of their spouses' deaths. If you're a husband or wife, make sure the other one is fully knowledgeable about family finances, can cook enough to keep body and soul together, etc. It would be a wonderful gift to them!
My granny and mom told me all the while I was growing up that family was so important, would always be with me, that friends may come and go but family would always remain. Being a stubborn pre-teen (but also respectful), I thought to myself, "You're wrong. Family is nothing. My friends are great." But granny and mom were so right!
What about you? Besides widows and widowers, who do you know that needs family?
The article quoted Eric Klinenberg, "The rise of living alone is the greatest social change of the last 50 years." This seems odd to me, given that so many young people are moving back in with their parents due to job loss. But other facts contribute to an increase from 17% living alone in 1970 to 27% today: many are waiting later to marry and elderly people are living longer.
The reality is that all of us, no matter what our situation is, need to be able to live alone, if, for any reason, we have to. It really helps to have family in the same city! Our families know our history, can forgive what they need to, will try to fit our needs into their schedules.
And what is there is no 'kin?' We can create our own family, our own support network! I am convinced that the best, most easily available, willing support systems are churches. There is no end to the help church members try to give each other.
Remember Flight 5191 crashing here in Lexington, Kentucky in 2006? One of our church member's husbands was killed in that tragic event. Our ladies supported her with food, babysitting, whatever she needed for as long as she needed. I'm sure that such giving was repeated many times over with other passengers' families.
Besides churches, there are many fun classes, political groups, clubs, etc. Be a part!
Lessons learned: People who suddenly find themselves living alone after a long marriage don't do well if they were too dependent on their spouses. You've heard of widows or widowers dying within a year of their spouses' deaths. If you're a husband or wife, make sure the other one is fully knowledgeable about family finances, can cook enough to keep body and soul together, etc. It would be a wonderful gift to them!
My granny and mom told me all the while I was growing up that family was so important, would always be with me, that friends may come and go but family would always remain. Being a stubborn pre-teen (but also respectful), I thought to myself, "You're wrong. Family is nothing. My friends are great." But granny and mom were so right!
What about you? Besides widows and widowers, who do you know that needs family?
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Blame! Blame! Blame!
Situation: Phyllis is a lovely young woman who is 30-plus years old but looks 18. She is suffering greatly because of her attitude. She can't get over her abortion years ago. She was, as she put it, "drinking and partying night after night." She blames the guy who got her pregnant for getting her to have the abortion and now is 'clinically depressed,' although she won't admit it. She quit her job, moved back in with her mother, and, according to the mother, "won't hardly get out of bed."
Phyllis' mother, Willa, is also suffering, blaming herself with "Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently?" Both of these women are highly educated.
Lessons learned: Yes, we know that it takes two to make a baby. Phyllis would do well to accept some of the 'blame' both for the pregnancy and for the abortion. We can never go back and re-do all the things we've done wrong. But if we LEARN from our mistakes, we are ahead! Willa also needs to 'let go' and know that we all make mistakes raising our children, none of us are perfect, but most of us try our very best!
Outcome: Willa is a church-going lady and prays that the Lord will help Phyllis. Willa thinks she's just about convinced Phyllis to seek counseling. Would you also pray for Phyllis? And pray also for all the people suffering from mental illness, that they get proper treatment and will be able to live happy, productive lives.
In nursing school, some students knew from the start what 'specialty' they wanted to go into after graduation and licensing. Medicine is so very specialized these days, we knew that we would specialize in our jobs. I personally decided to wait till I was almost finished with school. Our psychiatric rotation touched my heart: I could see that these patients were suffering twice, once for the illness, and once for the stigma, both from their families and from society in general. Please don't be a part of their suffering. Mental illness is what should be called, 'an invisible disability.'
Phyllis' mother, Willa, is also suffering, blaming herself with "Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently?" Both of these women are highly educated.
Lessons learned: Yes, we know that it takes two to make a baby. Phyllis would do well to accept some of the 'blame' both for the pregnancy and for the abortion. We can never go back and re-do all the things we've done wrong. But if we LEARN from our mistakes, we are ahead! Willa also needs to 'let go' and know that we all make mistakes raising our children, none of us are perfect, but most of us try our very best!
Outcome: Willa is a church-going lady and prays that the Lord will help Phyllis. Willa thinks she's just about convinced Phyllis to seek counseling. Would you also pray for Phyllis? And pray also for all the people suffering from mental illness, that they get proper treatment and will be able to live happy, productive lives.
In nursing school, some students knew from the start what 'specialty' they wanted to go into after graduation and licensing. Medicine is so very specialized these days, we knew that we would specialize in our jobs. I personally decided to wait till I was almost finished with school. Our psychiatric rotation touched my heart: I could see that these patients were suffering twice, once for the illness, and once for the stigma, both from their families and from society in general. Please don't be a part of their suffering. Mental illness is what should be called, 'an invisible disability.'
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)