Background: One afternoon on our hospital's Psychiatric Unit, I facilitated group therapy for alcohol and drug addicts, all male, in various stages of detox. The topic for discussion was "What I lost as a result of my addiction." The first guy said, "Ah got 3 DUI's." Next guy, "Ah got 5 DUIs." The third guy cheerfully reported, "Ah got 27 DUIs!" The other members of the group had similar 'losses.' Judging from the looks in their eyes, I surmised that they were popping off. Then I thought, "They could've killed one of my children." From that moment on, I lost all sense of compassion for substance abusers and started looking for a different job.
Several months after I was hired, I realized our unit had cared for an uncounted number of alcoholics, abusers of many kinds of illegal and legal drugs, and teenagers who had experimented with hallucinogenic local field weeds. But we never had a cocaine addict. I asked the most experienced one of our psychiatrists, "Why not?" He explained, "I won't admit them. It's a waste of time. They can't be cured."
Situations: Several of my close friends were married for years to alcoholics. One young friend lived with a series of drug addicts until she woke up and figured out they were ruining her reputation and her finances. I cannot convey the depth of the misery they suffered. Yet every one of them remembered, "I knew he was hooked before we got married. I should have never married him. I thought all he needed was love."
Lessons learned: Never sugarcoat the reality that the one you love is hooked on alcohol, or drugs, or even computer games, or gambling. I'm not sure I accept that alcoholism is a real 'disease' that a person can't control. Even with treatment in a special facility and frequent AA meetings, the relapse rate is approximately 70%. That's not cure! I met a counselor in another hospital's behavioral unit that believed alcoholism was a 'coping mechanism.' Don't saddle yourself with a life with an irresponsible mate! Don't forget: the true addict is not capable of loving you, he/she just loves himself/herself and the substance.
Along with my fellow nurse colleagues, we agreed that we would never want to marry a substance abuser. They kill their livers! We refuse to be nurse-maids to guys with end-stage liver disease! It is a horrible end. Imagine if you are so sick and in pain but can't have pain-killers because it would kill you!
Outcomes: All but one of the marriages of friends in which one partner was an alcoholic ended in divorce. In the one that survived to this day, the husband abandoned the family off and on for years. But somehow, he was always accepted back into the home. This is really a poor chance for happiness!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Too Young, Too Poor
Situation: Jenny and Bob met through mutual friends when she was 17 years old and he was 20. He was tall and good-looking and it was love-at-first-sight for both of them. They dated regularly during the summer, then he had to leave for his commitment to the Navy in September. Bob had asked Jenny to marry him after she graduated from high school. He said that he realized he would be far away and encouraged her to "go to all the dances. I don't want you to miss the fun of your last year at high school."
The letters flew back and forth over the months. One time Jenny was talking with her dad. Dad was definitely not in favor of the marriage, right after high school, but didn't make a big deal out of his disapproval. Dad told Jenny, "You know that since he's just a Seaman, you'll have to work. There's no way you could get along otherwise."
Jenny thought very seriously about what her dad advised. By the time spring came, she had made up her mind: she would break the engagement. Even though she dearly loved Bob and knew him to be a fine man, she had planned on staying home to raise the children she hoped to have.
She wrote Bob a letter, telling him, "I have the opportunity to go to college. No one in my family has ever gone to college before. I feel it is my responsibility to go. I don't want to get married now." Bob called, very upset, very mad. He accepted Jenny's decision. They never saw each other again.
Lessons learned: To make the decision to marry someone, a man or woman has to experience enough of life to know themselves, know what each has to offer, and to be able to see beyond the 'good-looking' part of the relationship. If Jenny's dad had forbidden the marriage or had become furious that she would even think of marrying right after high school, Jenny might have married just to spite him.
Outcome: Jenny went to college and excelled. She really 'loved every minute' she was on campus. Later she married a college graduate and managed to stay at home with her children till the youngest was in grade school. She found many creative ways to stretch one income for the years she had to. She has no idea of what happened to Bob since his family lived in a distant city.
The letters flew back and forth over the months. One time Jenny was talking with her dad. Dad was definitely not in favor of the marriage, right after high school, but didn't make a big deal out of his disapproval. Dad told Jenny, "You know that since he's just a Seaman, you'll have to work. There's no way you could get along otherwise."
Jenny thought very seriously about what her dad advised. By the time spring came, she had made up her mind: she would break the engagement. Even though she dearly loved Bob and knew him to be a fine man, she had planned on staying home to raise the children she hoped to have.
She wrote Bob a letter, telling him, "I have the opportunity to go to college. No one in my family has ever gone to college before. I feel it is my responsibility to go. I don't want to get married now." Bob called, very upset, very mad. He accepted Jenny's decision. They never saw each other again.
Lessons learned: To make the decision to marry someone, a man or woman has to experience enough of life to know themselves, know what each has to offer, and to be able to see beyond the 'good-looking' part of the relationship. If Jenny's dad had forbidden the marriage or had become furious that she would even think of marrying right after high school, Jenny might have married just to spite him.
Outcome: Jenny went to college and excelled. She really 'loved every minute' she was on campus. Later she married a college graduate and managed to stay at home with her children till the youngest was in grade school. She found many creative ways to stretch one income for the years she had to. She has no idea of what happened to Bob since his family lived in a distant city.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Mamas' Boys (and Girls)
Situation: Allison was a young, twenty-something professional. She had dated a series of very nice gentlemen who after approximately one year started thinking seriously about her and asked her to marry them. She ran the other way quickly because she didn't want to get married at that time. She loved her job, her slick new sports car, and her freedom. That changed quickly when she met Paul, another young professional who lived in Allison's apartment complex. He was different. The others were a bit too sure of themselves, perhaps a bit too good looking. Paul was down-to-earth, not overly friendly, just an ordinary guy.
The more time they spent together, the more Allison and Paul wanted to spend time together. All of a sudden, Paul's mother, a widow who lived in a different part of the state, started coming to visit Paul to 'help him clean his apartment.' Paul hadn't gone home for many visits because he was too busy with his career but now he started visiting mom every other weekend. Still, Allison and Paul spent most evenings together.
Christmas was approaching. Paul went home to visit his mom. Allison went home to visit her family. She was so sure that Paul would ask her to marry him that she actually tried on her mom's wedding dress. Allison and Paul talked on the phone daily.
Christmas came and Christmas went. Paul did not come to visit Allison. Allison had been feeling sick for a week before Christmas. Her mother convinced her that "this has gone on too long. Let me take you back to see your doctor." The day after Christmas, Allison was hospitalized. Paul did not come to visit.
After the first of the year, Paul called Allison in her apartment. He told her, "I just think we should see others for a while." Allison was mad. She was finished with him.
Lessons learned: Some men and some women have just not grown up enough to have the guts to make their own decisions and stand by them. Consulting family is one thing, relying on them to make your decisions is another. Be aware of the signs that the person you're dating is overly dependent on one or both parents. A spouse should always be Number One to the other spouse. Never settle for Number Two. You will very quickly regret it.
Outcome: After six weeks, Paul called Allison as if nothing major had happened. When she refused to see him, he begged her to take him back. She told him, "No, I don't trust you. You hurt me once, you won't have the chance to hurt me again. I don't ever want to see you again."
Years later I saw Paul in a Starbuck's. He had gained so much weight, I didn't even recognize him. He came up and asked how Allison was. Then I remembered and told him that Allison was married with several toddlers. Wish I had photos of the beautiful children with me!
The more time they spent together, the more Allison and Paul wanted to spend time together. All of a sudden, Paul's mother, a widow who lived in a different part of the state, started coming to visit Paul to 'help him clean his apartment.' Paul hadn't gone home for many visits because he was too busy with his career but now he started visiting mom every other weekend. Still, Allison and Paul spent most evenings together.
Christmas was approaching. Paul went home to visit his mom. Allison went home to visit her family. She was so sure that Paul would ask her to marry him that she actually tried on her mom's wedding dress. Allison and Paul talked on the phone daily.
Christmas came and Christmas went. Paul did not come to visit Allison. Allison had been feeling sick for a week before Christmas. Her mother convinced her that "this has gone on too long. Let me take you back to see your doctor." The day after Christmas, Allison was hospitalized. Paul did not come to visit.
After the first of the year, Paul called Allison in her apartment. He told her, "I just think we should see others for a while." Allison was mad. She was finished with him.
Lessons learned: Some men and some women have just not grown up enough to have the guts to make their own decisions and stand by them. Consulting family is one thing, relying on them to make your decisions is another. Be aware of the signs that the person you're dating is overly dependent on one or both parents. A spouse should always be Number One to the other spouse. Never settle for Number Two. You will very quickly regret it.
Outcome: After six weeks, Paul called Allison as if nothing major had happened. When she refused to see him, he begged her to take him back. She told him, "No, I don't trust you. You hurt me once, you won't have the chance to hurt me again. I don't ever want to see you again."
Years later I saw Paul in a Starbuck's. He had gained so much weight, I didn't even recognize him. He came up and asked how Allison was. Then I remembered and told him that Allison was married with several toddlers. Wish I had photos of the beautiful children with me!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Pretty People
Situation: Angelica met Simon through a mutual friend and immediately was attracted to his outstanding good looks and his friendly easy manner. She never considered that she was pretty and was very flattered by Simon's attention. Simon told her right from the start, "I'll never get married, I just don't want to be tied down."
At first, his attitude didn't bother Angelica. They started living together and all was well for several years. Simon had another problem: he really couldn't hold a regular job for much more than a month. It was a big challenge to pay the bills every month. The harder Angelica worked, it seemed the less Simon worked.
Then Angelica found out they were having a child. It was a very difficult pregnancy. When Angelica was about the give birth, Simon took her to the hospital, found out it was a boy and went out to another city to visit friends. Angelica was heartbroken he never came to visit them. Now life was doubly hard for Angelica. Paying the bills was harder with a new baby and Simon not contributing much. Angelica and the baby had to go on welfare for a time.
Simon left her for another woman several times but Angelica always took him back. When the child was four, Simon informed Angelica, "There's lots of jobs in Texas. I'm going there. I'll save money and send for you in a couple of months.
Lessons learned: Please, please, believe people when they tell you, "I'll never get married," or, "I don't like church," or, "I don't get along with bosses," or whatever they say that seems irresponsible or something you'd like to change. They have no intention of changing, in fact, they are incapable of changing. Believe them! The only person we can change is ourselves. Will we waste good years of our lives waiting for someone to change?
About the "Pretty People:" lots of time, men or women with good looks use those good looks to attract others to them. In reality, they manipulate people, seem to prey on men or women with lesser looks, like Angelica, who feel 'special' in their presence. Don't forget: looks fade with age; reliability, commitment, and hard work don't go awa;y!
Outcome: After another two years of waiting for Simon to send her the money to join him, Angelica took her family's advice and cut ties with him. She found out that he had been living with a series of younger women, the last of whom is now pregnant.
At first, his attitude didn't bother Angelica. They started living together and all was well for several years. Simon had another problem: he really couldn't hold a regular job for much more than a month. It was a big challenge to pay the bills every month. The harder Angelica worked, it seemed the less Simon worked.
Then Angelica found out they were having a child. It was a very difficult pregnancy. When Angelica was about the give birth, Simon took her to the hospital, found out it was a boy and went out to another city to visit friends. Angelica was heartbroken he never came to visit them. Now life was doubly hard for Angelica. Paying the bills was harder with a new baby and Simon not contributing much. Angelica and the baby had to go on welfare for a time.
Simon left her for another woman several times but Angelica always took him back. When the child was four, Simon informed Angelica, "There's lots of jobs in Texas. I'm going there. I'll save money and send for you in a couple of months.
Lessons learned: Please, please, believe people when they tell you, "I'll never get married," or, "I don't like church," or, "I don't get along with bosses," or whatever they say that seems irresponsible or something you'd like to change. They have no intention of changing, in fact, they are incapable of changing. Believe them! The only person we can change is ourselves. Will we waste good years of our lives waiting for someone to change?
About the "Pretty People:" lots of time, men or women with good looks use those good looks to attract others to them. In reality, they manipulate people, seem to prey on men or women with lesser looks, like Angelica, who feel 'special' in their presence. Don't forget: looks fade with age; reliability, commitment, and hard work don't go awa;y!
Outcome: After another two years of waiting for Simon to send her the money to join him, Angelica took her family's advice and cut ties with him. She found out that he had been living with a series of younger women, the last of whom is now pregnant.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
The Here and the Hereafter
Background: it is innate in us beings of intelligence to know in our hearts that there is a being much bigger than we are, big enough to create our planet and our universe. We name this being "God" or "Yahweh" or "Allah." If our parents raised us to worship God, to join with others to worship God, we call this practice "religion" and we are truly blessed. If both our parents believed in the same formal religion, we are doubly blessed.
Research has shown that those who are members of a religious group are generally happier than those who are not members. Religious groups are a wonderful "support system." We help each other out as needed. This is the 'here and now.'
Many religions believe that when we die our souls live on forever. This is the 'hereafter.' The belief, or lack thereof, affects every aspect of our lives.
Situation: Jamie, a teenager, met Kirk, a man in his mid-fifties, through her mother. Jamie and Kirk married and had a child, a girl. At that time, Jamie had never attended any church or temple and, for all she knew, Kirk was not interested in religion. After five years, Jamie and Kirk had another child, a boy. Meanwhile, Jamie met her Christian neighbors and started going to their church with them. This infuriated Kirk who told Jamie, "I forbid this!" Jamie found out that Kirk was a secret member of a devil-worshipping society.
Lessons learned: this is an extreme example of real people. I've met plenty of women and men who attend church by themselves because their spouses 'don't believe.' These women and men are very lonely in a very important part of their lives. Is your religion very important to you? Consider this carefully when choosing someone with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life.
Outcome: Jamie soon feared for her life and the lives of her children. One day, she locked herself in her bedroom with the children and called the police. When they came, she climbed out her window with the children and the police took her to a safe place. I saw her again when her boy was fifteen. She had remarried and is still a member of the same Christian church. We lost track of Kirk. His business is no longer in central Kentucky.
Research has shown that those who are members of a religious group are generally happier than those who are not members. Religious groups are a wonderful "support system." We help each other out as needed. This is the 'here and now.'
Many religions believe that when we die our souls live on forever. This is the 'hereafter.' The belief, or lack thereof, affects every aspect of our lives.
Situation: Jamie, a teenager, met Kirk, a man in his mid-fifties, through her mother. Jamie and Kirk married and had a child, a girl. At that time, Jamie had never attended any church or temple and, for all she knew, Kirk was not interested in religion. After five years, Jamie and Kirk had another child, a boy. Meanwhile, Jamie met her Christian neighbors and started going to their church with them. This infuriated Kirk who told Jamie, "I forbid this!" Jamie found out that Kirk was a secret member of a devil-worshipping society.
Lessons learned: this is an extreme example of real people. I've met plenty of women and men who attend church by themselves because their spouses 'don't believe.' These women and men are very lonely in a very important part of their lives. Is your religion very important to you? Consider this carefully when choosing someone with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life.
Outcome: Jamie soon feared for her life and the lives of her children. One day, she locked herself in her bedroom with the children and called the police. When they came, she climbed out her window with the children and the police took her to a safe place. I saw her again when her boy was fifteen. She had remarried and is still a member of the same Christian church. We lost track of Kirk. His business is no longer in central Kentucky.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Dollars and Sense #2: Medical Needs
Background: As a registered nurse working both in hospitals and nursing homes, I saw the results of many people chronically sick and critically sick. Much of this was due to negligence on the part of the patient. I realize that many folks can't afford any kind of health care but I saw many times those people getting the best care at public expense.
The old people had a saying, "Penny wise, Pound foolish." For health care, this means that if you think you're saving a few dollars by putting off going to the doctor you'll probably spend a lot more down the road.
Situation #1: Kerry was a 'real man' who never got sick, knew that all doctors were 'just out to get your money' and never went to a dentist because his teeth felt okay. He didn't want his wife, Jane, taking their little kids to the doctor for check-ups but she ignored him and took the children anyway. One year Kerry had a bad toothache. He thought it would go away if he took aspirin. Several days later, he could no longer stand the pain and had to have an emergency surgical extraction by a dental specialist with a co-pay of several thousand dollars. Regular dental check-ups surely could have prevented this painful situation and actually saved Kerry money. Jane worried severely for many years about Kerry's neglect of his own health. Finally, she got tired of worrying, feeling he wouldn't listen to anyone, and made sure he had good life insurance. Last time I saw Kerry, he had spaces for several more missing teeth.
Situation #2: Melody was a really sweet lady, 45 years old with 3 children and a husband who adored her. She had smoked since she was a teenager. Now she had developed heart problems. Her doctor told her: "Smoking is killing you. Your heart can't take it much longer. You must quit - now." For some reason, Melody couldn't or didn't want to quit smoking. Within several months, she had a heart attack and died. We all miss her.
Situation #3: James is a insulin-dependent diabetic and was a smoker. One time James asked me, "When I wake up in the morning, my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. What do you think causes it?" I asked James, "How many times a day do you check your sugar?" He said, "Oh, they check it at the doctor's office." My turn: "James, how often do you see the doctor?" James: "Once a year!" James has nearly lost various ones of his arms or legs several times already. His eyes are failing. My prediction: he won't live to see 60.
Lessons learned: Prevention, prevention, prevention! Another old saying, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." You don't need me preaching at you. You know what to do. Do it for the sake of those who love you, please!
The old people had a saying, "Penny wise, Pound foolish." For health care, this means that if you think you're saving a few dollars by putting off going to the doctor you'll probably spend a lot more down the road.
Situation #1: Kerry was a 'real man' who never got sick, knew that all doctors were 'just out to get your money' and never went to a dentist because his teeth felt okay. He didn't want his wife, Jane, taking their little kids to the doctor for check-ups but she ignored him and took the children anyway. One year Kerry had a bad toothache. He thought it would go away if he took aspirin. Several days later, he could no longer stand the pain and had to have an emergency surgical extraction by a dental specialist with a co-pay of several thousand dollars. Regular dental check-ups surely could have prevented this painful situation and actually saved Kerry money. Jane worried severely for many years about Kerry's neglect of his own health. Finally, she got tired of worrying, feeling he wouldn't listen to anyone, and made sure he had good life insurance. Last time I saw Kerry, he had spaces for several more missing teeth.
Situation #2: Melody was a really sweet lady, 45 years old with 3 children and a husband who adored her. She had smoked since she was a teenager. Now she had developed heart problems. Her doctor told her: "Smoking is killing you. Your heart can't take it much longer. You must quit - now." For some reason, Melody couldn't or didn't want to quit smoking. Within several months, she had a heart attack and died. We all miss her.
Situation #3: James is a insulin-dependent diabetic and was a smoker. One time James asked me, "When I wake up in the morning, my tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. What do you think causes it?" I asked James, "How many times a day do you check your sugar?" He said, "Oh, they check it at the doctor's office." My turn: "James, how often do you see the doctor?" James: "Once a year!" James has nearly lost various ones of his arms or legs several times already. His eyes are failing. My prediction: he won't live to see 60.
Lessons learned: Prevention, prevention, prevention! Another old saying, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure." You don't need me preaching at you. You know what to do. Do it for the sake of those who love you, please!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Dollars and Sense: The Tale of Three Couples
Situations: Couple #1 is Sherry & Rick. Rick is a financial counselor who saves every penny possible with the goal of retiring at age 40. The couple never goes out, just for fun. They have one old car, one small house, sparsely furnished. Sherry is a gentle soul who just goes along with Rick's ideas because she loves him.
Couple #2 is Joanna & Hank. They both have technical careers, both earn well into the six figures. Joanna is a conservative spender, doesn't like debt. Bob spends every penny he has ever earned and loves buying valuable old coins.
Couple #3 is Christie & Steven. Christie is a stay-at-home mom, loves cooking from 'scratch', crafting, having play dates between her children and friends' children. Steven has an entry-level job and has to watch every cent just to have ends meet; he is not happy about this because he can't spend much money on his favorite hobbies.
Lessons learned: Money can be a source of deep problems in a family. It is wise to learn to spend within our means - don't have much debt. These couples are extreme examples of money management that doesn't really work.
Couples MUST talk about money issues BEFORE they get married. Why would anyone risk not knowing the other's habits and attitudes and level of debt?
Outcomes: Couple #1, Sherry & Rick are still hanging in there. Rick has seen too many families who are devastated due to no savings when they retire. Sherry knows he is extreme but, so far, will help him achieve his goal.
Couple #2, Joanna & Hank had a nasty, contested, expensive divorce. After Hank went through all his money and started going through Joanna's savings, she saw there was no hope for his being reasonable. Hank was very angry she didn't let him buy more old coins and tried to get a divorce settlement from her!
Couple #3, Christie & Steven are also divorced. Christie saw how nervous and unhappy Steven was and finally took a job herself. One of those 'old-fashioned guys' who really was threatened by a working wife, Steven threatened to quit. Even though, with Christie's income, they no longer had to penny-pinch to survive financially, Steven couldn't change. He was truly stingy - even with his very self.
Couple #2 is Joanna & Hank. They both have technical careers, both earn well into the six figures. Joanna is a conservative spender, doesn't like debt. Bob spends every penny he has ever earned and loves buying valuable old coins.
Couple #3 is Christie & Steven. Christie is a stay-at-home mom, loves cooking from 'scratch', crafting, having play dates between her children and friends' children. Steven has an entry-level job and has to watch every cent just to have ends meet; he is not happy about this because he can't spend much money on his favorite hobbies.
Lessons learned: Money can be a source of deep problems in a family. It is wise to learn to spend within our means - don't have much debt. These couples are extreme examples of money management that doesn't really work.
Couples MUST talk about money issues BEFORE they get married. Why would anyone risk not knowing the other's habits and attitudes and level of debt?
Outcomes: Couple #1, Sherry & Rick are still hanging in there. Rick has seen too many families who are devastated due to no savings when they retire. Sherry knows he is extreme but, so far, will help him achieve his goal.
Couple #2, Joanna & Hank had a nasty, contested, expensive divorce. After Hank went through all his money and started going through Joanna's savings, she saw there was no hope for his being reasonable. Hank was very angry she didn't let him buy more old coins and tried to get a divorce settlement from her!
Couple #3, Christie & Steven are also divorced. Christie saw how nervous and unhappy Steven was and finally took a job herself. One of those 'old-fashioned guys' who really was threatened by a working wife, Steven threatened to quit. Even though, with Christie's income, they no longer had to penny-pinch to survive financially, Steven couldn't change. He was truly stingy - even with his very self.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Tiger on the Loose!
Background: Now haven't we all known people who had to be in Total Charge of Everything, no doubt about it, they knew what was best for everyone on the planet. At one time, I had two in my acquaintance who acted as if each one was God. Not only did they believe that they knew everything, that their opinions and judgments were the best, they acted as though no one else's opinions were even worth considering. One of them would have controlled everyone's thoughts, if that were possible! I remember thinking, at the time, they both act like they're God. Funny thing is, they each have nearly opposite views on everything. I thought that God was supposed to know everything. There cannot be two gods!
Situation: This is about a long-married couple, Edna and Jim. I got to know them later in their years. Edna had a chronic illness for most of her life. We started talking about what medicines she was taking. Jim chimed in, pulled a list out of his wallet, and named each drug and its dosage. It was obvious Edna didn't even know what meds she was taking.
Fast forward several years: Jim, heretofore the picture of health, is diagnosed with and dies of cancer. Can you imagine the panic in Edna! She has never balanced a checkbook, she has never taken a car in to be serviced, and she has never paid a bill in her entire life.
One morning not very long after Jim's death, the electric power goes off in Edna's house. She calls the power company. They report, "There's a balance of over $400.00. This has not been paid for over 3 months. It is our policy to discontinue service." Edna asks, "I can't afford that, if I pay part of it, will you turn back on the power?" They agree, "Yes, we'll have it on before 5 o'clock today."
Can you imagine how hard life became for Edna?
Outcome: To pay bills, Edna lost their house. At this time, Edna seems to be taking life a day at a time, dealing with her loneliness.
Lessons learned: We'll never know whether, many years ago, Jim bullied his way into taking over both their lives or if Edna's illness lead her to acquiesce and give him total control. The facts are that each adult is responsible for his or her life and decisions. If you meet a person who must control everything and everybody, run the other way! Do not give another person the power over decisions you need to be making yourself. Married couples need to both know about their financial situation.
Situation: This is about a long-married couple, Edna and Jim. I got to know them later in their years. Edna had a chronic illness for most of her life. We started talking about what medicines she was taking. Jim chimed in, pulled a list out of his wallet, and named each drug and its dosage. It was obvious Edna didn't even know what meds she was taking.
Fast forward several years: Jim, heretofore the picture of health, is diagnosed with and dies of cancer. Can you imagine the panic in Edna! She has never balanced a checkbook, she has never taken a car in to be serviced, and she has never paid a bill in her entire life.
One morning not very long after Jim's death, the electric power goes off in Edna's house. She calls the power company. They report, "There's a balance of over $400.00. This has not been paid for over 3 months. It is our policy to discontinue service." Edna asks, "I can't afford that, if I pay part of it, will you turn back on the power?" They agree, "Yes, we'll have it on before 5 o'clock today."
Can you imagine how hard life became for Edna?
Outcome: To pay bills, Edna lost their house. At this time, Edna seems to be taking life a day at a time, dealing with her loneliness.
Lessons learned: We'll never know whether, many years ago, Jim bullied his way into taking over both their lives or if Edna's illness lead her to acquiesce and give him total control. The facts are that each adult is responsible for his or her life and decisions. If you meet a person who must control everything and everybody, run the other way! Do not give another person the power over decisions you need to be making yourself. Married couples need to both know about their financial situation.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Time Out: Tech Stuff
When I started this blog in May, I wanted to present what I've learned about good and bad relationships and really NEED to learn from lots more experiences. Since I finally was able to retire from nursing last month on June 3rd, my first priority is finishing the book I've been working on since the year 2000. I've actually been writing it in my head for probably at least 35 years. I've had pain in different relationships and would very much like to spare my children, grandchildren, and anyone else interested, the wrenching pain. If it helps but a few, my work will have been worth it!
Blog writers have 'pageviews' listed for them, the number of folks who have visited the site. Despite the low number of posts in this blog, I've had 127 pageviews to date. But - BUT - hardly any comments. I couldn't figure out why not, everyone has had both good and bad liasons, everyone has an opinion, but there were few comments.
My webmaster and son-in-law, Dave, who helped me set up this blog, visited from Boston this past week, together with my daughter #5, Mary, his wife, and their super-energetic son, Michael. Dave diagnosed the problem: "It's too hard. Let's see how you have set it up." Confession: I didn't know you could do that!
So Dave helped me set it up to where you didn't have to go through the cumbersome process of signing in for every comment you would like to make. Just go to the Blue Box under the blog. Click on "Comment" or "No comments." You may sign in, if you like, or just be anonymous. Click one of the boxes and you're on your way. That's easy! Let's help each other learn - and be happy!
You are hereby INVITED to view my other blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com, my fun travel blog.
Blog writers have 'pageviews' listed for them, the number of folks who have visited the site. Despite the low number of posts in this blog, I've had 127 pageviews to date. But - BUT - hardly any comments. I couldn't figure out why not, everyone has had both good and bad liasons, everyone has an opinion, but there were few comments.
My webmaster and son-in-law, Dave, who helped me set up this blog, visited from Boston this past week, together with my daughter #5, Mary, his wife, and their super-energetic son, Michael. Dave diagnosed the problem: "It's too hard. Let's see how you have set it up." Confession: I didn't know you could do that!
So Dave helped me set it up to where you didn't have to go through the cumbersome process of signing in for every comment you would like to make. Just go to the Blue Box under the blog. Click on "Comment" or "No comments." You may sign in, if you like, or just be anonymous. Click one of the boxes and you're on your way. That's easy! Let's help each other learn - and be happy!
You are hereby INVITED to view my other blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com, my fun travel blog.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Cheaters, Number Two
Situation: Gayle was quite content with her twenty-year plus marriage to Sam. They had many common interests, went lots of places together, and just, in general, had fun together. That is, until Gayle stumbled on a vial of Viagra pills in Sam's clothes. Although this greatly disturbed her because she knew Sam was not using this for her, Gayle thought she would just go on as usual and see what developed.
One evening soon thereafter, at home, Sam suddenly had symptoms of a heart attack! Gayle drove him to the closest hospital emergency room (not a smart idea: call 911!! They can give care immediately!). In order to treat any condition, the doctors and nurses MUST know what medications a patient takes. Sam was asked what medications he was taking and he DID NOT MENTION THAT HE WAS TAKING VIAGRA. As a result, due to the common medications given for heart attack victims, SAM NEARLY DIED!
After he recovered, Sam hit Gayle with this mandate, "I want a divorce. I'm marrying my lover." Although she was in shock over this, Gayle readily agreed.
Lessons learned: Why did Sam wait so long to tell Gayle? Were there signs of unhappiness in Sam that Gayle could have recognized and possibly asked him if they could resolve differences? My guess is that Gayle realized that such a cheater was in no way worth having as a husband and let him go easily (yet ensured that the financial penalties for him were severe).
The fact is that no marriage beyond the honeymoon stage can compare in excitement to a new flirtation. Big deal! Marriage is, or should be, a life-time commitment, a profession of deep love in which both husband and wife intend to try their best 'till death does us part.' Therefore, beware of cheap flirtations which may lead to a cheating relationship which might destroy your marriage. If you're single, be man enough or woman enough to keep your self-respect. Reject cheap flirtations if it involves a married person. You don't want it on your conscience that you destroyed a marriage and possibly left children without a parent!
Don't forget: just because a married lover vows, "I love you, I'm going to get a divorce and marry you," that doesn't mean they are sincere (it's another line some commonly use to get a supply of free sex). Many hearts have been broken because of affairs. Also, if you're single, why sneak around with someone? You don't have to! Cheating with someone who is already 'taken' will keep you from finding that special someone who is free to marry you!
Outcome: Gayle is doing extremely well in every way, personally, financially, socially. She has enjoyed new interests and has a full life. She is not interested in dating or marrying again. I've lost track of Sam and the 'other woman.'
One evening soon thereafter, at home, Sam suddenly had symptoms of a heart attack! Gayle drove him to the closest hospital emergency room (not a smart idea: call 911!! They can give care immediately!). In order to treat any condition, the doctors and nurses MUST know what medications a patient takes. Sam was asked what medications he was taking and he DID NOT MENTION THAT HE WAS TAKING VIAGRA. As a result, due to the common medications given for heart attack victims, SAM NEARLY DIED!
After he recovered, Sam hit Gayle with this mandate, "I want a divorce. I'm marrying my lover." Although she was in shock over this, Gayle readily agreed.
Lessons learned: Why did Sam wait so long to tell Gayle? Were there signs of unhappiness in Sam that Gayle could have recognized and possibly asked him if they could resolve differences? My guess is that Gayle realized that such a cheater was in no way worth having as a husband and let him go easily (yet ensured that the financial penalties for him were severe).
The fact is that no marriage beyond the honeymoon stage can compare in excitement to a new flirtation. Big deal! Marriage is, or should be, a life-time commitment, a profession of deep love in which both husband and wife intend to try their best 'till death does us part.' Therefore, beware of cheap flirtations which may lead to a cheating relationship which might destroy your marriage. If you're single, be man enough or woman enough to keep your self-respect. Reject cheap flirtations if it involves a married person. You don't want it on your conscience that you destroyed a marriage and possibly left children without a parent!
Don't forget: just because a married lover vows, "I love you, I'm going to get a divorce and marry you," that doesn't mean they are sincere (it's another line some commonly use to get a supply of free sex). Many hearts have been broken because of affairs. Also, if you're single, why sneak around with someone? You don't have to! Cheating with someone who is already 'taken' will keep you from finding that special someone who is free to marry you!
Outcome: Gayle is doing extremely well in every way, personally, financially, socially. She has enjoyed new interests and has a full life. She is not interested in dating or marrying again. I've lost track of Sam and the 'other woman.'
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Cheaters, Number One
Situation: Some married men or women cheat on their spouse and try very hard to hide it. Others don't seem to care. In our small town, Bert openly cheated on Rita with a neighbor woman. Bert was seen everywhere in our small town with Sally, a married woman. Both couples had children and it appeared their spouses knew nothing of the hot affair. I tend to not believe anything anyone says that is negative. I found it hard to believe that this affair was true until I saw Bert tear down Sally's driveway on his motorcycle one day when I knew her spouse was working.
Lessons learned: Even if you have the most miserable marriage in the world, there is NO person in the world worth your self-respect. Honor your marriage vows. Vow to never cheat. Consider: those who cheat, even if they are not aware of this, cheat just for the thrill of it, not because they're attracted to you. If you really want to preserve your marriage, don't take a chance on losing it because of cheating. Do you really want the whole town talking about what a 'sleazeball' you are?
If a person wants to cheat with you, odds are he/she has cheated before. Think of it this way: if you have sex with someone, it's like you're having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with before, also (in terms of diseases shared). I know you don't want that!
Suppose you're not married and are thinking about having an affair with a married person? Stop cold and realize: if this person cheats on his or her spouse, he/she will be likely to cheat on you! You do NOT want to be married to a former cheater!
If the cheater is 'playing' with an unmarried person, perhaps the cheater has no intention of leaving the spouse. I once knew a woman close to suicide because her married lover cried how mean and cold his wife was (a common 'line'), then his wife became pregnant with his child. Nope, not worth the risk!
Besides, adultery (do we ever hear this word anymore?) is wrong! Even if no one sees you, God does! Why have it on your conscience that you caused someone to do wrong?
Outcome: None of us in Rita's acquaintance could tell her that Bert was all over town with Sally and even at her house in the daytime. I find it hard to believe that a spouse has no suspicion whatever about a spouse cheating but I admit it is possible. Last year, I saw Bert and Rita at a party together, apparently happy and still married. Their children were grown and now had children of their own. I'll never know if Rita knew about Sally. I never heard what happened to Sally, whether her marriage survived on not. I remember reading that over 80% of marriages end in divorce after an affair is discovered. Especially if there are children involved, working hard to keep your marriage intact is very important.
Lessons learned: Even if you have the most miserable marriage in the world, there is NO person in the world worth your self-respect. Honor your marriage vows. Vow to never cheat. Consider: those who cheat, even if they are not aware of this, cheat just for the thrill of it, not because they're attracted to you. If you really want to preserve your marriage, don't take a chance on losing it because of cheating. Do you really want the whole town talking about what a 'sleazeball' you are?
If a person wants to cheat with you, odds are he/she has cheated before. Think of it this way: if you have sex with someone, it's like you're having sex with everyone that person has ever had sex with before, also (in terms of diseases shared). I know you don't want that!
Suppose you're not married and are thinking about having an affair with a married person? Stop cold and realize: if this person cheats on his or her spouse, he/she will be likely to cheat on you! You do NOT want to be married to a former cheater!
If the cheater is 'playing' with an unmarried person, perhaps the cheater has no intention of leaving the spouse. I once knew a woman close to suicide because her married lover cried how mean and cold his wife was (a common 'line'), then his wife became pregnant with his child. Nope, not worth the risk!
Besides, adultery (do we ever hear this word anymore?) is wrong! Even if no one sees you, God does! Why have it on your conscience that you caused someone to do wrong?
Outcome: None of us in Rita's acquaintance could tell her that Bert was all over town with Sally and even at her house in the daytime. I find it hard to believe that a spouse has no suspicion whatever about a spouse cheating but I admit it is possible. Last year, I saw Bert and Rita at a party together, apparently happy and still married. Their children were grown and now had children of their own. I'll never know if Rita knew about Sally. I never heard what happened to Sally, whether her marriage survived on not. I remember reading that over 80% of marriages end in divorce after an affair is discovered. Especially if there are children involved, working hard to keep your marriage intact is very important.
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