Situation: Alex had been married for a twenty-plus years when his wife died of a sudden illness. He considered his marriage 'good,' but wasn't going to mope around grieving, and let the rest of Life pass him by. Alex had several teen-age children. One month after his wife's death, Alex met Faye. She was much younger, vibrant, and fun to be with. Faye had been married once, only for a year, fourteen years previously, had no children. They were very much attracted to each other and soon dated exclusively. Alex wanted to get married again.
Lessons learned: For one thing, Alex soon learned that a suddenly eligible bachelor of his stature (tall, good-looking, great job, stable) would be besieged by offers from nearly any single woman who had ever known him. Several women called him up from the airport, "I'm so sorry about your wife. I want to help console you." He was pleased that Faye came to the airport with him to welcome them for their short visits.
Alex didn't realize that he had to approach a new marriage somewhat slower than his intentions. He needed to give himself a few months to get adjusted to a new life, especially after a twenty-plus years' marriage. Marriage on 'the rebound,' immediately after a break-up with any close attachment, is never a good idea. It takes time to heal.
Outcome: Faye was a wise woman. She loved Alex dearly and told him, "I won't marry you until at least a year has passed since your wife's death. They married after a year passed and are still very happily married with their own offspring. Don't you love happy endings!
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
The Man With the Roving Eye
Situation: Several years ago, I was chatting with a young man of my acquaintance. He had just finished shopping with his dad, Carl, at a large local mall. "You know, Dad checked out each and every girl and woman from top to bottom. I couldn't believe it." Carl is in his fifties, one of the handsomest of men you'll ever meet, and has been married and divorced many times.
Years ago, I met a younger man, Johann, in his twenties, who checked ME out, from head to toe. It was really a very uncomfortable feeling, especially since I was old enough to be his mother.
Lessons learned: It is in the nature of men to be aware of the opposite sex. Women, also, do this, on a smaller scale. But to stare and obviously mentally undress them is a different matter. That's why it's so important not to be 'headstrong' and 'intent' on marrying someone whom everyone you know is in opposition to you. This is not a wise decision.
Outcome: Carl has aged somewhat and seems less 'wolf-like.' Johann was a foreign exchange student who has since returned to his country.
Years ago, I met a younger man, Johann, in his twenties, who checked ME out, from head to toe. It was really a very uncomfortable feeling, especially since I was old enough to be his mother.
Lessons learned: It is in the nature of men to be aware of the opposite sex. Women, also, do this, on a smaller scale. But to stare and obviously mentally undress them is a different matter. That's why it's so important not to be 'headstrong' and 'intent' on marrying someone whom everyone you know is in opposition to you. This is not a wise decision.
Outcome: Carl has aged somewhat and seems less 'wolf-like.' Johann was a foreign exchange student who has since returned to his country.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Snail or Rabbit?
Background: What kind of activity do you like? Nearly continuous? Mostly couch potato stuff? Somewhere in between? This definitely has an effect on your relationships, especially on your marriage. If you're an easy-going person, working and playing fairly hard, but like to relax in the evenings, you probably wouldn't get along with someone who avoids work except for the bare minimum. You also wouldn't enjoy living with a person who worked at something every waking minute then stayed up late to watch the talk shows. People are different: there's no right or wrong here.
Situation: Becka considered herself a fairly active and energetic young woman. She worked hard at her job all day. After dinner was cleaned up, she wanted to read or watch TV. She was married to Jason; he kept a long list of things he 'had' to do after work (it never included helping Becka or interacting with the children). After a few years, when she figured out that no one would see him till 10 or 11 o'clock in the evening, she started developing outside interests. Several times a month, Becka would play cards with the 'girls' or volunteer at church.
Jason was really mad! How dare she go somewhere and leave HIM to BABYSIT!! (Of course, Becka would have the children ready for bed if she had to leave earlier.)
Lessons learned: No one ever thinks about your desired level of activity and that there are differences between people. This can be a big source of trouble in a marriage or other relationship. Know yourself, know your intended spouse! Be aware of what they do in their leisure time, or IF they have leisure time!
Outcome: Becka and Jason's marriage didn't last because this was not the only issue. They were really living separate lives. They would go out ONLY where he wanted to go. He was a real control super-freak, apparently!
Situation: Becka considered herself a fairly active and energetic young woman. She worked hard at her job all day. After dinner was cleaned up, she wanted to read or watch TV. She was married to Jason; he kept a long list of things he 'had' to do after work (it never included helping Becka or interacting with the children). After a few years, when she figured out that no one would see him till 10 or 11 o'clock in the evening, she started developing outside interests. Several times a month, Becka would play cards with the 'girls' or volunteer at church.
Jason was really mad! How dare she go somewhere and leave HIM to BABYSIT!! (Of course, Becka would have the children ready for bed if she had to leave earlier.)
Lessons learned: No one ever thinks about your desired level of activity and that there are differences between people. This can be a big source of trouble in a marriage or other relationship. Know yourself, know your intended spouse! Be aware of what they do in their leisure time, or IF they have leisure time!
Outcome: Becka and Jason's marriage didn't last because this was not the only issue. They were really living separate lives. They would go out ONLY where he wanted to go. He was a real control super-freak, apparently!
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Children: To Have or Not To Have?
Background: Babies, Children, Offspring - whatever you'd like to call them - have been a natural part of marriage since our first ancestors mated. Now, in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, we have the 'option' of deciding 'if' we want to have children and 'when' we would like to have them. Some would like to choose which sex they would like to have (as in abortions because the child is a girl, in the country of China, a practice for many years) - but we won't go there today.
The attitude of much of American mass media seems to be that "Children are burdens." To me, a burden implies 'something oppressive,' the dictionary definition. Children are a challenge, a wonder, and a joy. Have you ever heard an old person say, "I wish I never had a child (children)?" No! I've heard plenty say, "I wish we could have had children," or, "I wish I could have had more children." People that think children are burdens have no imagination!
Situation #1: Michelle and Trevor fully discussed how many children they hoped to have before they got married. Michelle was very healthy and had relatively easy deliveries, compared to her friends. She wanted a large family and so did Trevor.
Michelle totally enjoyed the children. Life seemed like a big, busy party to her. Trevor helped out with the housework but mostly distanced himself from the children. One time he told Michelle, "I wish we had only two children (the number in his family of origin)." Michelle then asked him, "Which ones?" He never had an answer for that.
Situation #2: Mary Kay and Matt also talked about children before marriage. They agreed that both wanted to complete their education and get settled into a nice house before having children.
When Matt had his Master's Degree and Mary Kay was working on hers, Mary Kay had a surprise pregnancy. She was delighted! She could complete the degree at another time. Matt was infuriated! He screamed that he had never wanted children. When the baby was born, he would not touch the child. He never helped with child care.
Lessons learned: Children are a precious, very important part of a family. Of course, couples need to agree about this before marriage. How low and dishonest it is to lie about this! The only way I can think of to evaluate a potential 'mother' or 'father' of your future children is to carefully check out the family of origin. How well do they interact together? Are the relationships loving?
Outcome of #1: Trevor turned out to be an extremely abusive man. Michelle put up with it for years, thinking, "He's only bad to me. I can take it." Michelle found she had her limits when he started also abusing the children. They divorced then he took a small interest in his children, several days a week.
Outcome of #2: Matt turned out to be extremely selfish and abusive. They also divorced. He also took an interest in raising his child, every other weekend.
The attitude of much of American mass media seems to be that "Children are burdens." To me, a burden implies 'something oppressive,' the dictionary definition. Children are a challenge, a wonder, and a joy. Have you ever heard an old person say, "I wish I never had a child (children)?" No! I've heard plenty say, "I wish we could have had children," or, "I wish I could have had more children." People that think children are burdens have no imagination!
Situation #1: Michelle and Trevor fully discussed how many children they hoped to have before they got married. Michelle was very healthy and had relatively easy deliveries, compared to her friends. She wanted a large family and so did Trevor.
Michelle totally enjoyed the children. Life seemed like a big, busy party to her. Trevor helped out with the housework but mostly distanced himself from the children. One time he told Michelle, "I wish we had only two children (the number in his family of origin)." Michelle then asked him, "Which ones?" He never had an answer for that.
Situation #2: Mary Kay and Matt also talked about children before marriage. They agreed that both wanted to complete their education and get settled into a nice house before having children.
When Matt had his Master's Degree and Mary Kay was working on hers, Mary Kay had a surprise pregnancy. She was delighted! She could complete the degree at another time. Matt was infuriated! He screamed that he had never wanted children. When the baby was born, he would not touch the child. He never helped with child care.
Lessons learned: Children are a precious, very important part of a family. Of course, couples need to agree about this before marriage. How low and dishonest it is to lie about this! The only way I can think of to evaluate a potential 'mother' or 'father' of your future children is to carefully check out the family of origin. How well do they interact together? Are the relationships loving?
Outcome of #1: Trevor turned out to be an extremely abusive man. Michelle put up with it for years, thinking, "He's only bad to me. I can take it." Michelle found she had her limits when he started also abusing the children. They divorced then he took a small interest in his children, several days a week.
Outcome of #2: Matt turned out to be extremely selfish and abusive. They also divorced. He also took an interest in raising his child, every other weekend.
Monday, August 26, 2013
The Mommy Clock
Situation: Janine is a forty-ish, incredibly successful professional woman. Some years ago, she lived with Levi for nearly ten years. She yearned for marriage and children, but Levi had no intention of either marrying or having children. Finally, even though she dearly loved him, Janine accepted reality and ended their relationship.
Then, into her thirties, Janine felt pressure to have a child before her fertility was too low. She met Jason, felt like they were fairly compatible and married him. Soon thereafter, a lovely baby was born.
Years passed and Janine became very bored with Jason. She stays with him, for now, for the sake of the child.
Lessons learned: Nowadays, women and men marry in their late twenties, on average. Many women pursue careers and put off having children until even their forties. Biology says that approximately after age 25, female fertility starts declining.
Our culture started demeaning and degrading 'motherhood' as a full-time career with Betty Friedan's book, The Feminine Mystique, in the '60's. The reality is that the children grow up, leave home, then a woman is left with perhaps thirty or forty years to continue that career or get a new ones. Do we have our priorities backwards? Should we have our children first, then skyrocket our career, if that's what we want? I may be an opinion of one on this. I just know it's worked out extremely well for me to have children first, career second.
Outcome: Weeks after Janine left him, Levi married a new woman! It hurt Janine but she got over it soon.
Then, into her thirties, Janine felt pressure to have a child before her fertility was too low. She met Jason, felt like they were fairly compatible and married him. Soon thereafter, a lovely baby was born.
Years passed and Janine became very bored with Jason. She stays with him, for now, for the sake of the child.
Lessons learned: Nowadays, women and men marry in their late twenties, on average. Many women pursue careers and put off having children until even their forties. Biology says that approximately after age 25, female fertility starts declining.
Our culture started demeaning and degrading 'motherhood' as a full-time career with Betty Friedan's book, The Feminine Mystique, in the '60's. The reality is that the children grow up, leave home, then a woman is left with perhaps thirty or forty years to continue that career or get a new ones. Do we have our priorities backwards? Should we have our children first, then skyrocket our career, if that's what we want? I may be an opinion of one on this. I just know it's worked out extremely well for me to have children first, career second.
Outcome: Weeks after Janine left him, Levi married a new woman! It hurt Janine but she got over it soon.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Stretching the Law
Situation: Gary and Gretchen were married with a six-week-old baby girl. Besides the six-week mother-baby physician check-ups, Gretchen and the baby had not left their house, until that day, since before the baby was born. They went to visit Gary's family in another city, about two hours by interstate highway.
The family visit was fun with everyone, of course, fussing over the beautiful baby. After dinner, Gary, Gretchen and the baby started the drive home. Gretchen sighed to herself. She had hoped that Gary wouldn't go way over the speed limit the way he usually did. Surely, Gary wouldn't endanger the new baby, his own daughter!
It was not to be. Gary not only went over the speed limit, he went 30 miles over the speed limit! Gretchen was terrified. She said not a word. This is what happened, as she related it. They went over a small hill and she thought they might fly! Gretchen prayed, "Dear God, please let a policeman catch him." Before the thought left her mind, sirens were heard behind the car. A state trooper pulled them over to the side of the road.
The trooper was in a good mood. He said, "Son, I didn't know these little cars would go this fast! You were going 30 over the limit. You have to see the judge. Follow me."
Gary, Gretchen, and the baby followed the trooper, very slowly, under the speed limit. Not a word was said. The county seat was not close to the interstate. By the time they reached the courthouse, it was dark. Gary had to park directly next to the county jail. Then he left with the trooper.
Gretchen waited as long as she could, then she had to breast-feed the baby, in the front seat of the car, next to the jail. She felt very uncomfortable but she had to do it.
Gary was gone a long time. The judge said, "Your fine is. . .payable in cash only." Gary had credit cards and the checkbook but very little cash. Gretchen had no money at all. Gary had to call his family, one-and-a-half hours away to bring him the cash. Finally they came, Gary paid the fine and his family went one way, Gary, Gretchen, and the baby went home.
Gretchen said nothing about this incident - ever. Gary never went over the speed limit again with Gretchen in the car.
Gretchen found out years later what happened on Gary's family's end. His mother or brother did not have the cash needed for the fine. They had to go borrow money from one of his mother's friends.
Lessons learned: We ALL must respect ALL laws and do as the laws say. If we sincerely think a law is unfair or unjust, which is rare, we need to take legal means to change the law. Gary's constant speeding was part of his total lack of respect for most laws. He cheated terribly on his income taxes also. Sooner or later, the law will catch up with us and we will pay, one way or another!
Outcome: Gary's behavior not only betrayed a lack of respect for laws, but a lack of respect for everything that was not him! In time, he turned into a horrible bully. In more time, Gretchen gathered the strength to leave him, for good - divorce. She had wished she had known about this before she had married him. If only she had known. . .
The family visit was fun with everyone, of course, fussing over the beautiful baby. After dinner, Gary, Gretchen and the baby started the drive home. Gretchen sighed to herself. She had hoped that Gary wouldn't go way over the speed limit the way he usually did. Surely, Gary wouldn't endanger the new baby, his own daughter!
It was not to be. Gary not only went over the speed limit, he went 30 miles over the speed limit! Gretchen was terrified. She said not a word. This is what happened, as she related it. They went over a small hill and she thought they might fly! Gretchen prayed, "Dear God, please let a policeman catch him." Before the thought left her mind, sirens were heard behind the car. A state trooper pulled them over to the side of the road.
The trooper was in a good mood. He said, "Son, I didn't know these little cars would go this fast! You were going 30 over the limit. You have to see the judge. Follow me."
Gary, Gretchen, and the baby followed the trooper, very slowly, under the speed limit. Not a word was said. The county seat was not close to the interstate. By the time they reached the courthouse, it was dark. Gary had to park directly next to the county jail. Then he left with the trooper.
Gretchen waited as long as she could, then she had to breast-feed the baby, in the front seat of the car, next to the jail. She felt very uncomfortable but she had to do it.
Gary was gone a long time. The judge said, "Your fine is. . .payable in cash only." Gary had credit cards and the checkbook but very little cash. Gretchen had no money at all. Gary had to call his family, one-and-a-half hours away to bring him the cash. Finally they came, Gary paid the fine and his family went one way, Gary, Gretchen, and the baby went home.
Gretchen said nothing about this incident - ever. Gary never went over the speed limit again with Gretchen in the car.
Gretchen found out years later what happened on Gary's family's end. His mother or brother did not have the cash needed for the fine. They had to go borrow money from one of his mother's friends.
Lessons learned: We ALL must respect ALL laws and do as the laws say. If we sincerely think a law is unfair or unjust, which is rare, we need to take legal means to change the law. Gary's constant speeding was part of his total lack of respect for most laws. He cheated terribly on his income taxes also. Sooner or later, the law will catch up with us and we will pay, one way or another!
Outcome: Gary's behavior not only betrayed a lack of respect for laws, but a lack of respect for everything that was not him! In time, he turned into a horrible bully. In more time, Gretchen gathered the strength to leave him, for good - divorce. She had wished she had known about this before she had married him. If only she had known. . .
Saturday, August 24, 2013
The Social Woman
Situation: Louise loved people! She was pleased to have many friends from an early age. Then she met Jonathon. He seemed to fit in with the college dating, taking Louise to dances, plays, movies, sometimes alone together, sometimes double-dating, and also with a large group. Louise came to dearly love Jonathon. She transferred to another college her junior year. Then she only saw Jonathon when he could get off work, perhaps once a month.
When they dated, it was even more fun, more special. She was flattered when Jonathon told her, "I really would like to have you all to myself." At times, she still would like to go dancing or double-date with friends. Jonathon always would be 'busy' and 'couldn't get off work' at those times.
Louise, who was engaged to Jonathon by this time, started to put two and two together. Could it be Jonathon just didn't like people! Louise wanted to go to her college Homecoming Celebration, with Jonathon. He couldn't get off work. Louise decided to skip the whole thing and committed to her part-time job instead.
Just before the Homecoming Parade, Jonathon showed up in her city, without even calling her. She happened to still be at her dorm. She told Jonathon, "I have to go to work. I wasn't expecting you." Jonathon didn't seem disappointed and turned around and drove to his distant city.
Louise was confused.
Lessons learned: Had Louise been more experienced, or had she decided to talk about her confusion with a trusted counselor, friend, or clergyman, she might have had the answer to her two plus two equals: the man just doesn't like people. You need to decide if you can live with this or not.
I've seen quite a few 'socially unmatched' couples. One person just likes to stay home - there's nothing wrong with that - and the other likes to be with friends at times. The social person seems to suffer more than the stay-at-home person. Some people just leave the spouse at home and go where they please. It can be a very lonely life.
Outcome: Louise and Jonathon married. For several years, there were moves to several cities for Jonathon's career and there were several children. Once in a while, Louise would really want to go to an outing with Jonathon. Usually, he refused. One time he was shamed into going to dinner with a neighbor couple. He was so obnoxious that Louise vowed to never ask him again.
The marriage did not survive. This was just one of many insurmountable problems in the marriage. If only Louise had known to take seriously the warning signs!
When they dated, it was even more fun, more special. She was flattered when Jonathon told her, "I really would like to have you all to myself." At times, she still would like to go dancing or double-date with friends. Jonathon always would be 'busy' and 'couldn't get off work' at those times.
Louise, who was engaged to Jonathon by this time, started to put two and two together. Could it be Jonathon just didn't like people! Louise wanted to go to her college Homecoming Celebration, with Jonathon. He couldn't get off work. Louise decided to skip the whole thing and committed to her part-time job instead.
Just before the Homecoming Parade, Jonathon showed up in her city, without even calling her. She happened to still be at her dorm. She told Jonathon, "I have to go to work. I wasn't expecting you." Jonathon didn't seem disappointed and turned around and drove to his distant city.
Louise was confused.
Lessons learned: Had Louise been more experienced, or had she decided to talk about her confusion with a trusted counselor, friend, or clergyman, she might have had the answer to her two plus two equals: the man just doesn't like people. You need to decide if you can live with this or not.
I've seen quite a few 'socially unmatched' couples. One person just likes to stay home - there's nothing wrong with that - and the other likes to be with friends at times. The social person seems to suffer more than the stay-at-home person. Some people just leave the spouse at home and go where they please. It can be a very lonely life.
Outcome: Louise and Jonathon married. For several years, there were moves to several cities for Jonathon's career and there were several children. Once in a while, Louise would really want to go to an outing with Jonathon. Usually, he refused. One time he was shamed into going to dinner with a neighbor couple. He was so obnoxious that Louise vowed to never ask him again.
The marriage did not survive. This was just one of many insurmountable problems in the marriage. If only Louise had known to take seriously the warning signs!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Needs?
This is not a situation involving particular people, it is an observation and an opinion.
Have you heard that those outside the United States judge us by our television programs? How else can they find out about that land far away? And foreigners think we are totally 100% decadent, hedonistic, that men and women here have sex with whom they please without any thought of morality - of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'.
Most of our 'liberal' media would like it that way and do their best to promote vulgarity, promiscuity, and pornography. They feel that no one is able to control their sexual urges, that they must be satisfied. The only 'sin' in America is a newborn baby. How inconvenient! Babies really cramp the style of our Playboys and Playgirls. As a result, we are desperate to prevent pregnancies and, oh, well, if 'mistakes' result in a pregnancy, kill the result.
What is almost even more disturbing to me is the statement I've heard lately from several young, fairly educated young women, "I have needs. I NEED SEX." Mind you, some of the females (I can not call them 'ladies') are unmarried but some of them are married. The married ones are cheating on their husbands! (I am happy that I am still shocked about this!)
About 'needs': to live, we need only to breathe. We will last approximately a month without food and perhaps a week without water. We only NEED air to breathe. 'Needing sex?' No way! Think of all the couples separated when one has to go on a trip, perhaps for months. Think of couples with one person too sickly for sex. Think of a woman close to and after childbirth: she needs to heal. Think of religious people who feel sex outside of marriage is wrong and they commit to this.
How did we deteriorate into this attitude of 'needing' sex? I blame the Far-Out, Bra-Burning, Radical Part of the Women Libbers. Back in the 60's, they demanded that women be given the same rights as men. They needed to be more selective! Why didn't they imitate the best of men? Instead, they imitated the Playboys who flit from woman to woman, never caring about love, just sex. They wanted 'free' sex. Sex was then put into the same category as food: now people had 'appetites' for sex - which, of course, then must be satisfied.
Recently I read "The 30-day love detox: cleanse yourself of bad boys, cheaters, and men who won't commit - and find a real relationship" by Dr. Wendy Walsh. She exposes what women really want, a man who will love them for the long-term and advises that 'serial' affairs and 'serial cohabiting' virtually kills a woman's chances of ever getting this.
The wonder in all this is that the young women feel free to tell me how they feel, knowing all the while how much I am opposed. We still respect each other, somehow.
However, I have hope, real hope. Recently the newspaper reported a study of college students, "College Hookup Culture Exposed: there's no more sex now than 20, 30 years ago." (Lexington Herald-Leader, 8-14-13) The conclusion, "I think there's always that preconception that 'Oh, maybe I'm the only one who's not sexually active," said Laurie Morgan. "When you see the actual data, it's enlightening for all."
What I vow to do is what a close friend does. If she sees an objectionable commercial, she writes to the TV station and complains. I stopped eating Yoplait yogurt years ago when I read they donate to groups promoting baby-killing. Now I need to be a little bit more pro-active! What about you?
Have you heard that those outside the United States judge us by our television programs? How else can they find out about that land far away? And foreigners think we are totally 100% decadent, hedonistic, that men and women here have sex with whom they please without any thought of morality - of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'.
Most of our 'liberal' media would like it that way and do their best to promote vulgarity, promiscuity, and pornography. They feel that no one is able to control their sexual urges, that they must be satisfied. The only 'sin' in America is a newborn baby. How inconvenient! Babies really cramp the style of our Playboys and Playgirls. As a result, we are desperate to prevent pregnancies and, oh, well, if 'mistakes' result in a pregnancy, kill the result.
What is almost even more disturbing to me is the statement I've heard lately from several young, fairly educated young women, "I have needs. I NEED SEX." Mind you, some of the females (I can not call them 'ladies') are unmarried but some of them are married. The married ones are cheating on their husbands! (I am happy that I am still shocked about this!)
About 'needs': to live, we need only to breathe. We will last approximately a month without food and perhaps a week without water. We only NEED air to breathe. 'Needing sex?' No way! Think of all the couples separated when one has to go on a trip, perhaps for months. Think of couples with one person too sickly for sex. Think of a woman close to and after childbirth: she needs to heal. Think of religious people who feel sex outside of marriage is wrong and they commit to this.
How did we deteriorate into this attitude of 'needing' sex? I blame the Far-Out, Bra-Burning, Radical Part of the Women Libbers. Back in the 60's, they demanded that women be given the same rights as men. They needed to be more selective! Why didn't they imitate the best of men? Instead, they imitated the Playboys who flit from woman to woman, never caring about love, just sex. They wanted 'free' sex. Sex was then put into the same category as food: now people had 'appetites' for sex - which, of course, then must be satisfied.
Recently I read "The 30-day love detox: cleanse yourself of bad boys, cheaters, and men who won't commit - and find a real relationship" by Dr. Wendy Walsh. She exposes what women really want, a man who will love them for the long-term and advises that 'serial' affairs and 'serial cohabiting' virtually kills a woman's chances of ever getting this.
The wonder in all this is that the young women feel free to tell me how they feel, knowing all the while how much I am opposed. We still respect each other, somehow.
However, I have hope, real hope. Recently the newspaper reported a study of college students, "College Hookup Culture Exposed: there's no more sex now than 20, 30 years ago." (Lexington Herald-Leader, 8-14-13) The conclusion, "I think there's always that preconception that 'Oh, maybe I'm the only one who's not sexually active," said Laurie Morgan. "When you see the actual data, it's enlightening for all."
What I vow to do is what a close friend does. If she sees an objectionable commercial, she writes to the TV station and complains. I stopped eating Yoplait yogurt years ago when I read they donate to groups promoting baby-killing. Now I need to be a little bit more pro-active! What about you?
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Daddy Trap #3
Background: Years ago, 1973 to be exact, when the United States Supreme Court struck down all state laws protecting unborn children, I cried. It was hard to believe that in America, the land where we have the Right to LIFE, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, that the right to LIFE would be trampled.
At that time, I had five precious children. I SO agree that women have the right to control their own bodies. Their unborn children are NOT THEIR BODIES!! The unborn child is a separate human being!
Situation, more than 20 years later: Al was a young man very much in love with a young woman, Rhonda. They dated during their first two years of college and planned to be married during the summer between semesters. One month before the wedding, Rhonda informed Al, "I'm pregnant." Al was neither happy nor unhappy about this. However, Rhonda's mother told her, "I don't want you pregnant before your wedding. I will take you to get an abortion." This happened within several days, then Rhonda told Al.
The wedding went on as planned. Within the first year, Rhonda and Al were expecting another baby. They were both thrilled. Rhonda miscarried the baby. Her obstetrician told her, "Rhonda, you have what is called an 'incompetent cervix' as a result of the abortion. You can never carry a baby full-term."
This knowledge was disastrous to the marriage. Al grieved for his two children which he would never know. Rhonda took out her grieving against Al in meanness.
Lessons learned: Risking your child being killed is yet another reason to not chance pregnancy before marriage. So many people are careless about this! If Rhonda and Al had been married and were expecting a baby, it would be unlikely that her mother would have interfered. If a pregnant woman knows the baby's father will support her in every way, she will go through the pregnancy.
Outcome: Al and Rhonda's marriage didn't last very long before they divorced. Neither married again. Al is still grieving over the two children he lost. Rhonda is a very, very bitter middle-aged woman.
Many, many men and women all over the world are suffering because of the children they aborted. It is the real hero who finds herself pregnant and carries the baby to birth. So many couples are unable to have children but would love to adopt a baby. Don't throw away your own child! It is the real man and the real woman who don't give in to sex and risk pregnancy before marriage! Be responsible!!
FYI: My own grandmother was born the day before her parents were married, in 1898. I know this is not a perfect world. If you have participated in an abortion in any way, seek forgiveness from God so you will be at peace. And learn to forgive yourself!
Just think: if any one category of human beings is killed, whether it was the handicapped, the Jews, the priests, or anyone else the Nazis thought were unworthy of being called "human," the rest of us are in danger. Right now, euthanasia, or 'mercy-killing,' legislation is being discussed in England. Several U.S. states have 'assisted suicide' laws. If we abort our children because it is inconvenient to us, their sisters and brothers and cousins will euthanize us when we're old and inconvenient to them. This has happened for years in the Netherlands. When will we wake up???
At that time, I had five precious children. I SO agree that women have the right to control their own bodies. Their unborn children are NOT THEIR BODIES!! The unborn child is a separate human being!
Situation, more than 20 years later: Al was a young man very much in love with a young woman, Rhonda. They dated during their first two years of college and planned to be married during the summer between semesters. One month before the wedding, Rhonda informed Al, "I'm pregnant." Al was neither happy nor unhappy about this. However, Rhonda's mother told her, "I don't want you pregnant before your wedding. I will take you to get an abortion." This happened within several days, then Rhonda told Al.
The wedding went on as planned. Within the first year, Rhonda and Al were expecting another baby. They were both thrilled. Rhonda miscarried the baby. Her obstetrician told her, "Rhonda, you have what is called an 'incompetent cervix' as a result of the abortion. You can never carry a baby full-term."
This knowledge was disastrous to the marriage. Al grieved for his two children which he would never know. Rhonda took out her grieving against Al in meanness.
Lessons learned: Risking your child being killed is yet another reason to not chance pregnancy before marriage. So many people are careless about this! If Rhonda and Al had been married and were expecting a baby, it would be unlikely that her mother would have interfered. If a pregnant woman knows the baby's father will support her in every way, she will go through the pregnancy.
Outcome: Al and Rhonda's marriage didn't last very long before they divorced. Neither married again. Al is still grieving over the two children he lost. Rhonda is a very, very bitter middle-aged woman.
Many, many men and women all over the world are suffering because of the children they aborted. It is the real hero who finds herself pregnant and carries the baby to birth. So many couples are unable to have children but would love to adopt a baby. Don't throw away your own child! It is the real man and the real woman who don't give in to sex and risk pregnancy before marriage! Be responsible!!
FYI: My own grandmother was born the day before her parents were married, in 1898. I know this is not a perfect world. If you have participated in an abortion in any way, seek forgiveness from God so you will be at peace. And learn to forgive yourself!
Just think: if any one category of human beings is killed, whether it was the handicapped, the Jews, the priests, or anyone else the Nazis thought were unworthy of being called "human," the rest of us are in danger. Right now, euthanasia, or 'mercy-killing,' legislation is being discussed in England. Several U.S. states have 'assisted suicide' laws. If we abort our children because it is inconvenient to us, their sisters and brothers and cousins will euthanize us when we're old and inconvenient to them. This has happened for years in the Netherlands. When will we wake up???
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Real-time Warnings
Situation: Dot and Andy had dated throughout her last two years in high school. They had planned on marrying when Andy graduated from college two years later. Meanwhile, Dot and her family moved to another state. Due to the demands of college and work, Andy could only visit Dot one weekend every month. Dot started college in the new city, living at home with her mom, dad, brothers and sisters.
Dot's eyes were opened to a new life in college. She met Julius, a tall, good-looking guy from halfway across the country. They were in one class together, studied together, but Julius was engaged to his girlfriend from back home. Dot and Julius became good friends.
After one year, Andy brought Dot an engagement ring and just gave it to her. Dot thought it was a cowardly way of starting an engagement, so she asked Andy, "What does this mean?" She wanted a straightforward marriage proposal. Then he told her, "This means we're getting married." They decided on marrying as soon as Andy graduated from college and got a job.
That summer, Dot got a job as a clerk in a very large corporation. This allowed her to work with and meet many new men and women. This was a different, non-school environment. Dot decided to leave her engagement ring at home when she went to work.
Dot had never looked as pretty as she did that summer and she knew it. Many men asked her to go out. Frank, an older guy, was the best-looking guy she had ever seen. Her office-mates told her he was married. Frank wouldn't leave Dot alone, asked her out several times a day. It was hard, very hard to resist him, but Dot was a good Christian woman who had vowed to never commit adultery. The only time she actually went out with a man was to lunch with a very much older gentleman (unmarried) who told her, "I have MS. I haven't dated in so long, I don't know how to act. You would be doing me a favor if you went to lunch with me." They had a nice time.
Dot never thought about Andy in the same way again. She wanted to see more of the world, date other men. Dot wrote Andy, "I want to date other guys. Don't come to see me the next time you were planning, in two weeks."
Andy never answered her letter. In two weeks he came to visit, as usual, as if nothing had ever happened. Dot was flattered that he loved her so much he still wanted to marry her.
Outcome: Dot got back into the next year of college and also into planning the wedding. Her mom and dad helped tremendously. The wedding was lovely. The marriage was a disaster from Day One. Dot thought Andy was a good Christian gentleman. Just going to church every week does NOT make you a good person. Andy's ignoring her turned out to be the pattern of their marriage. He was TOTALLY in control and abusive. After years of marriage, several children and much counseling, Dot left Andy. They divorced.
Lessons learned: If either one of a couple seriously desires to date others, their connection is not very strong. End the relationship, graciously. The hurt one person experiences from a broken dating or engagement relationship does not compare to the agony living through a bad marriage, a tragic divorce, then rebuilding lives.
What should Dot have done to avoid all the pain? When she had her doubts, she should have talked to someone - her parents, a counselor at school, her pastor. She should have insisted Andy realize what was going on between them. Never 'settle' for a marriage you have doubts about.
Dot's eyes were opened to a new life in college. She met Julius, a tall, good-looking guy from halfway across the country. They were in one class together, studied together, but Julius was engaged to his girlfriend from back home. Dot and Julius became good friends.
After one year, Andy brought Dot an engagement ring and just gave it to her. Dot thought it was a cowardly way of starting an engagement, so she asked Andy, "What does this mean?" She wanted a straightforward marriage proposal. Then he told her, "This means we're getting married." They decided on marrying as soon as Andy graduated from college and got a job.
That summer, Dot got a job as a clerk in a very large corporation. This allowed her to work with and meet many new men and women. This was a different, non-school environment. Dot decided to leave her engagement ring at home when she went to work.
Dot had never looked as pretty as she did that summer and she knew it. Many men asked her to go out. Frank, an older guy, was the best-looking guy she had ever seen. Her office-mates told her he was married. Frank wouldn't leave Dot alone, asked her out several times a day. It was hard, very hard to resist him, but Dot was a good Christian woman who had vowed to never commit adultery. The only time she actually went out with a man was to lunch with a very much older gentleman (unmarried) who told her, "I have MS. I haven't dated in so long, I don't know how to act. You would be doing me a favor if you went to lunch with me." They had a nice time.
Dot never thought about Andy in the same way again. She wanted to see more of the world, date other men. Dot wrote Andy, "I want to date other guys. Don't come to see me the next time you were planning, in two weeks."
Andy never answered her letter. In two weeks he came to visit, as usual, as if nothing had ever happened. Dot was flattered that he loved her so much he still wanted to marry her.
Outcome: Dot got back into the next year of college and also into planning the wedding. Her mom and dad helped tremendously. The wedding was lovely. The marriage was a disaster from Day One. Dot thought Andy was a good Christian gentleman. Just going to church every week does NOT make you a good person. Andy's ignoring her turned out to be the pattern of their marriage. He was TOTALLY in control and abusive. After years of marriage, several children and much counseling, Dot left Andy. They divorced.
Lessons learned: If either one of a couple seriously desires to date others, their connection is not very strong. End the relationship, graciously. The hurt one person experiences from a broken dating or engagement relationship does not compare to the agony living through a bad marriage, a tragic divorce, then rebuilding lives.
What should Dot have done to avoid all the pain? When she had her doubts, she should have talked to someone - her parents, a counselor at school, her pastor. She should have insisted Andy realize what was going on between them. Never 'settle' for a marriage you have doubts about.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
The Nesting Place
Situation: April came from a small country town. All her relatives, especially her mother, were shocked when she announced, "I've joined the Navy and I'm leaving in two weeks." April had worked as a clerk for two years after high school and she just wanted " to see the world."
April met Ray when they were both stationed on the west coast in California. They were instantly attracted, dated, and married. Life in this last year of their enlistment was good, still living in California.
Now they had decisions to make: where will we live? Ray loved the megapolis of Los Angeles. He was a lawyer and would have unlimited opportunity there. April yearned for the quiet country life in her hometown.
Lessons learned: Before committing to life with another person, decide if you are flexible enough to live anywhere or would rather settle in one place permanently. There's no right or wrong here. Where do you feel comfortable? Have you grown up in big cities? Have you grown up in the country? Do you yearn to experience foreign countries? I had a friend once who relayed, "After about two years, I feel I have used up a town."
What about hot places versus cold climates? Some folks don't care about this, others do.
Outcome: Ray knew he could never live in a place where the population of the entire county was less than 20,000. Now that she had "seen the world," April knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life in a place where everybody knew everybody else. They divorced and moved on. April married again, three years later.
April met Ray when they were both stationed on the west coast in California. They were instantly attracted, dated, and married. Life in this last year of their enlistment was good, still living in California.
Now they had decisions to make: where will we live? Ray loved the megapolis of Los Angeles. He was a lawyer and would have unlimited opportunity there. April yearned for the quiet country life in her hometown.
Lessons learned: Before committing to life with another person, decide if you are flexible enough to live anywhere or would rather settle in one place permanently. There's no right or wrong here. Where do you feel comfortable? Have you grown up in big cities? Have you grown up in the country? Do you yearn to experience foreign countries? I had a friend once who relayed, "After about two years, I feel I have used up a town."
What about hot places versus cold climates? Some folks don't care about this, others do.
Outcome: Ray knew he could never live in a place where the population of the entire county was less than 20,000. Now that she had "seen the world," April knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life in a place where everybody knew everybody else. They divorced and moved on. April married again, three years later.
Monday, August 19, 2013
The Relationship Equation
Background: Remember the old Bonnie Raitt song, "I can't make you love me"? One person being totally 'in love' with another plus another person who is not 'in love' with the same person does not equal a love relationship. The second person may think of you as a friend or even exploit you as a lover, but if the feelings are not there, the reality is that there is no love relationship.
Situation: Amelia knew she was in love with Sean. They were both in their mid-twenties, both worked together in the same office, both single. Amelia looked more forward to work with each passing day because she knew Sean would be there. Sean was flattered by Amelia's attention; she was a smart, very attractive lady. Yet something was bothering him. She was getting a little too close; it was making him uncomfortable. How should he approach this? They worked together very well. He didn't want to offend her.
Amelia couldn't wait! She felt Sean treated her in a kind, gentlemanly way. Maybe he was just shy. She would take the first step: she would ask him out. One day at the copy machine, Amelia asked Sean, "Hey, Sean, I've got discount movie tickets. Wanna go somewhere Saturday?"
Sean thought she was over-stepping a whole lot. He did not want to go anywhere with her. He preferred their relationship to stay exactly where it was. But how to approach this? Sean replied, "You know, Amelia, you're a super friend. But I've had this policy for a long time; I never date anyone from work. I've seen too many people get hurt. But I really appreciate you asking me. Thanks a lot. Let's put our project papers in order now."
Lessons learned: Love can't be rushed. Love is delicate, tender, exciting. Nearly everybody wants to be in love. But love has to be between two people or it is not a relationship. It's hard to wait but we must. In time, love will blossom. Love is a decision. Wait to make this decision. Be patient.
Outcome: Both Amelia and Sean learned from this encounter. Sean was more business-like; he realized he did his share of flirting and toned it down. Amelia learned to not jump in and feel 'in love' with someone before she knew what he was feeling about her.
Situation: Amelia knew she was in love with Sean. They were both in their mid-twenties, both worked together in the same office, both single. Amelia looked more forward to work with each passing day because she knew Sean would be there. Sean was flattered by Amelia's attention; she was a smart, very attractive lady. Yet something was bothering him. She was getting a little too close; it was making him uncomfortable. How should he approach this? They worked together very well. He didn't want to offend her.
Amelia couldn't wait! She felt Sean treated her in a kind, gentlemanly way. Maybe he was just shy. She would take the first step: she would ask him out. One day at the copy machine, Amelia asked Sean, "Hey, Sean, I've got discount movie tickets. Wanna go somewhere Saturday?"
Sean thought she was over-stepping a whole lot. He did not want to go anywhere with her. He preferred their relationship to stay exactly where it was. But how to approach this? Sean replied, "You know, Amelia, you're a super friend. But I've had this policy for a long time; I never date anyone from work. I've seen too many people get hurt. But I really appreciate you asking me. Thanks a lot. Let's put our project papers in order now."
Lessons learned: Love can't be rushed. Love is delicate, tender, exciting. Nearly everybody wants to be in love. But love has to be between two people or it is not a relationship. It's hard to wait but we must. In time, love will blossom. Love is a decision. Wait to make this decision. Be patient.
Outcome: Both Amelia and Sean learned from this encounter. Sean was more business-like; he realized he did his share of flirting and toned it down. Amelia learned to not jump in and feel 'in love' with someone before she knew what he was feeling about her.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Old Enough?
Background: Granny always said that she and Grandpa were 18 years old when they married. They had dated for 6 weeks. She related that "Grandpa kept telling me we need to go get married so we ran off to Jeffersonville" (across from Louisville in Indiana). Years later, more than 30 years after she had died, I was researching mother's side of the family and read the 1910 U.S. Census records. It was then I found out: Grandma and Grandma had been 17 years old when they got married. We need to keep in mind that when they married, although this was not the norm, they were mature enough to earn a living and take care of a family.
Grandma and Grandpa were married 59 years, most of which I suspect were very unhappy years, at least for Grandma. But that's what you did then. All was not lost. This was a great source of stability for our entire family.
More background: A good friend of mine, Laura, and her husband, Paul, have been married for 44 years. She is 69 and he is 94! Long ago, when they were dating, Laura mentioned, "He's a little older than me." Turns out he was more than 'a little' older. But over the years I feel certain they enjoyed the closest, happiest, most loving marriage I have ever witnessed.
Laura was 25 years old and Paul was 50 when they married. She actually had a hard time convincing him that he was not TOO old.
Situation: A nineteen-year-old male I know wants to marry his eighteen-year-old girlfriend. Both are in school, at times. Both have jobs, at times. They have been dating 8 months and have just moved in together. Is there any chance at all such a marriage could succeed?
Lessons learned: There is no calendar age to tell if a person is mature enough to deal with 'life' and marriage and family. But statistics of teenage marriages say you're wise to wait till at least your mid-twenties.
Just because you stay married doesn't mean the marriage is happy.
Grandma and Grandpa were married 59 years, most of which I suspect were very unhappy years, at least for Grandma. But that's what you did then. All was not lost. This was a great source of stability for our entire family.
More background: A good friend of mine, Laura, and her husband, Paul, have been married for 44 years. She is 69 and he is 94! Long ago, when they were dating, Laura mentioned, "He's a little older than me." Turns out he was more than 'a little' older. But over the years I feel certain they enjoyed the closest, happiest, most loving marriage I have ever witnessed.
Laura was 25 years old and Paul was 50 when they married. She actually had a hard time convincing him that he was not TOO old.
Situation: A nineteen-year-old male I know wants to marry his eighteen-year-old girlfriend. Both are in school, at times. Both have jobs, at times. They have been dating 8 months and have just moved in together. Is there any chance at all such a marriage could succeed?
Lessons learned: There is no calendar age to tell if a person is mature enough to deal with 'life' and marriage and family. But statistics of teenage marriages say you're wise to wait till at least your mid-twenties.
Just because you stay married doesn't mean the marriage is happy.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Professional Problems
Background: For twenty years, I've worked in hospitals, so I know the personal joys and problems of all professionals involved. Let's take physicians and medical students. What I'll offer used to apply only to males, but now the female doctors and med students are both 'assailed,' meaning bothered by totally insincere offers.
Situation: When Jake was a medical student, he was very surprised that many of the young nurses openly and frequently flirted with him. Although a good-looking man by anyone's standards, Jake had never experienced such attention. Jake had an attractive girlfriend whom he loved dearly and had been dating before he had even applied to medical school.
Then Jake noticed that all of the medical students received this same attention, even the ones who were not only plain-looking but even fat and ugly. That led him to realize: they are not interested in us as persons, they're just looking for dollars, or the dollars they think we'll be earning some day. That sobering thought gave him a new perspective on all the flirting and he became immune to it. When the opportunistic ladies were aware of his "I'm not interested" attitude, they left him alone.
Lessons learned: Depending on your profession, beware of those who see you as a paycheck. This applies not only to doctors, pharmacists, horse farm owners, etc., it could apply to anyone. Yes, you could get one of these attractive 'trophy' wives or husbands. Know that they would be totally in love with themselves and your earnings, NOT YOU. They would delight in spending your money, and getting you in debt.
The behavior of some of these 'hunters' is blatant and disgusting. One young nurse was determined to catch a particular doctor. She started never wearing underwear. Then she found out he liked horses, bought herself some cowboy boots and started wearing them to work! It was ludicrous, but she succeeded. Another really pretty young nurse was determined to marry a 'rich' doctor. Her makeup and lovely long blond (fake) hair was always perfect no matter what happened. One look at her, or one conversation with her, from all of us that didn't matter to her, revealed that she had a heart of stone. But she, also, succeeded in getting her 'catch,' the Doctor.
Once I met two very attractive young ladies at a party. They were dating medical students. One of them seemed really kind and decent, the other one was looking to marry a doctor and decorate a new house forever. The kind lady married her man and enjoyed a good family life. The other one was rejected but found another medical student to date. They eventually married. She went so wild spending money that she encouraged him to get a second job moonlighting at an E.R. because he could earn $1,000 a shift. Even that was not enough and she ended up getting a job herself. Eventually, he volunteered to join the military and go to a war zone.
One bright morning on my hospital unit, a young housekeeping employee strolled in and announced to us nurses, "Ah'm lookin' for a sugar momma!" We thought it was so funny!
Beware, if you are one of the 'hunted' ones!
Outcome: Jake married his lovely young lady and they enjoy an enviable loving relationship.
Situation: When Jake was a medical student, he was very surprised that many of the young nurses openly and frequently flirted with him. Although a good-looking man by anyone's standards, Jake had never experienced such attention. Jake had an attractive girlfriend whom he loved dearly and had been dating before he had even applied to medical school.
Then Jake noticed that all of the medical students received this same attention, even the ones who were not only plain-looking but even fat and ugly. That led him to realize: they are not interested in us as persons, they're just looking for dollars, or the dollars they think we'll be earning some day. That sobering thought gave him a new perspective on all the flirting and he became immune to it. When the opportunistic ladies were aware of his "I'm not interested" attitude, they left him alone.
Lessons learned: Depending on your profession, beware of those who see you as a paycheck. This applies not only to doctors, pharmacists, horse farm owners, etc., it could apply to anyone. Yes, you could get one of these attractive 'trophy' wives or husbands. Know that they would be totally in love with themselves and your earnings, NOT YOU. They would delight in spending your money, and getting you in debt.
The behavior of some of these 'hunters' is blatant and disgusting. One young nurse was determined to catch a particular doctor. She started never wearing underwear. Then she found out he liked horses, bought herself some cowboy boots and started wearing them to work! It was ludicrous, but she succeeded. Another really pretty young nurse was determined to marry a 'rich' doctor. Her makeup and lovely long blond (fake) hair was always perfect no matter what happened. One look at her, or one conversation with her, from all of us that didn't matter to her, revealed that she had a heart of stone. But she, also, succeeded in getting her 'catch,' the Doctor.
Once I met two very attractive young ladies at a party. They were dating medical students. One of them seemed really kind and decent, the other one was looking to marry a doctor and decorate a new house forever. The kind lady married her man and enjoyed a good family life. The other one was rejected but found another medical student to date. They eventually married. She went so wild spending money that she encouraged him to get a second job moonlighting at an E.R. because he could earn $1,000 a shift. Even that was not enough and she ended up getting a job herself. Eventually, he volunteered to join the military and go to a war zone.
One bright morning on my hospital unit, a young housekeeping employee strolled in and announced to us nurses, "Ah'm lookin' for a sugar momma!" We thought it was so funny!
Beware, if you are one of the 'hunted' ones!
Outcome: Jake married his lovely young lady and they enjoy an enviable loving relationship.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Unexpected Reversal of Ideals
Situation: Patricia had definite ideas of what her life would look like when she was a young woman. She had gone to a private high school, a costly "finishing school." Teachers were strict, and the dates with young men were scrutinized. No bums allowed! It was expected that the girls would be wives of executives.
Patricia had traveled many places with her parents, spoke a second language, and wanted the same for her future children. Her husband would have to agree to living in a foreign country, at least for several years. She wanted her children to have the advantage of knowing different cultures.
Patricia also expected her husband would be ambitious, striving to be the best, wanting to be the boss. That would give the family financial freedom.
Vincent fit her expectations, or so she thought. After a lengthy engagement of several years, they married. After several years, Patricia realized Vincent was just not capable of being the ambitious man she thought he was, and that he pretended to be. He flat out refused any possibility of ever living in a foreign country even though his company had positions in many foreign cities. It was hard, but Patricia changed her expectations. She still loved him but knew he would never advance beyond his entry-level position. But, working together, they lived within his income. Perhaps she could expose her children to people speaking another language in her own town.
Lessons learned: 1) In order to know what your expectations of 'Life' are, you need to have experienced enough of it to be able to make choices. 2) If you hope to spend the rest of your life with someone, you certainly need to share your expectations and find out what theirs are. How do they mesh? What could you live without if things changed?
Maybe you are ambitious, maybe you're not. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' here. My grandmother, with her 6th-grade education, was extremely ambitious for her day. One time my dad said, "If she had had education, she could have been President!" My grandfather (2nd-grade education) had not a single cell of ambition in him. Grandmother was NOT happy. However, they managed to stay married 59 years.
Outcome: In time, Patricia and Vincent's marriage resulted in a divorce. He lied about many things and destroyed all trust she held for him. He also was abusive. She related, "I decided I could live in a loveless marriage indefinitely. But when the abuse was directed toward the children, I couldn't tolerate that. We're all better off.
Patricia had traveled many places with her parents, spoke a second language, and wanted the same for her future children. Her husband would have to agree to living in a foreign country, at least for several years. She wanted her children to have the advantage of knowing different cultures.
Patricia also expected her husband would be ambitious, striving to be the best, wanting to be the boss. That would give the family financial freedom.
Vincent fit her expectations, or so she thought. After a lengthy engagement of several years, they married. After several years, Patricia realized Vincent was just not capable of being the ambitious man she thought he was, and that he pretended to be. He flat out refused any possibility of ever living in a foreign country even though his company had positions in many foreign cities. It was hard, but Patricia changed her expectations. She still loved him but knew he would never advance beyond his entry-level position. But, working together, they lived within his income. Perhaps she could expose her children to people speaking another language in her own town.
Lessons learned: 1) In order to know what your expectations of 'Life' are, you need to have experienced enough of it to be able to make choices. 2) If you hope to spend the rest of your life with someone, you certainly need to share your expectations and find out what theirs are. How do they mesh? What could you live without if things changed?
Maybe you are ambitious, maybe you're not. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' here. My grandmother, with her 6th-grade education, was extremely ambitious for her day. One time my dad said, "If she had had education, she could have been President!" My grandfather (2nd-grade education) had not a single cell of ambition in him. Grandmother was NOT happy. However, they managed to stay married 59 years.
Outcome: In time, Patricia and Vincent's marriage resulted in a divorce. He lied about many things and destroyed all trust she held for him. He also was abusive. She related, "I decided I could live in a loveless marriage indefinitely. But when the abuse was directed toward the children, I couldn't tolerate that. We're all better off.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Touch Me Not!
Situation: Jeff is an older gentleman now, somewhat friendly if you approach him but he wouldn't go out of his way to talk with anyone. Growing up, his family was rather cold and distant. His parents partied endlessly, his younger brother reported.
At a family gathering one time, Jeff's youngest daughter, age 6, asked, "Why doesn't daddy hug back when you hug him?" Have you ever noticed, some folks really don't like to be touched - by anyone?
Lessons learned: Touching is a very personal, loving characteristic. If you are a 'touchy-feely-huggy' person, beware of being married to someone who doesn't like to be touched. You will feel like you're living in a coffin, a very cold state.
Outcome: Nothing changed. All relationships are the same. Who can say if they're happy or not?
At a family gathering one time, Jeff's youngest daughter, age 6, asked, "Why doesn't daddy hug back when you hug him?" Have you ever noticed, some folks really don't like to be touched - by anyone?
Lessons learned: Touching is a very personal, loving characteristic. If you are a 'touchy-feely-huggy' person, beware of being married to someone who doesn't like to be touched. You will feel like you're living in a coffin, a very cold state.
Outcome: Nothing changed. All relationships are the same. Who can say if they're happy or not?
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Military Families: A Big Challenge, Many Rewards
Background: Proudly, I'm an Army brat! My dear Dad, Reuben, started from humble beginnings in Saltillo, Tennessee, boasting that "I stayed in my senior year in high school for two years because there was nothing else to do." He worked at a J.C.Penney's store in Arkansas and played the trumpet in a local band somewhere, the jobs I know about before he enlisted in the Army in 1937. He worked as a recruiter in Arizona and ended up in the Army's Signal Corps which dealt with communication. By the time World War II ended, he had climbed to the rank of Captain.
My mom, Adeline, was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. The U.S.O. organization there took busloads of young women to Fort Knox, Kentucky, to dance with the soldiers. There my Mom and Dad met and started dating. Dad proposed marriage to Mom on December 6, 1941. That was a never-ending source of pride for mom because the Pearl Harbor tragedy occurred the next day, December 7th. Mom said that after Pearl Harbor, many couples got engaged.
Mom and Dad married in Louisville on December 26th, 1941. Then Dad left for his duty in China. What a lonely time they must have experienced apart! And how mom must have worried! Having sons, grandsons, nephews, brothers, and friends in various armed services, I know something of the heart-wrenching worry when a loved one is in a war zone.
Mom, my three younger brothers, and I lived with Dad when he was stationed in Germany, Norfolk, Virginia, and Fort Knox, Kentucky (total of three assignments there). Otherwise, the family lived in Louisville while Dad was stationed in the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., and in Japan for two years.
Dad retired from the Army in 1957 with a rank of Lieutenant Colonel. He and Mom always liked to live near a military base for the medical benefits. When I'd visit them, we would always visit the Officers' Club for dinner at least once. At a base in California, I remarked to Mom and Dad, "I wish the whole world was run like a military base. Everything is perfectly clean. There are so many services, all the support a family could need, you just have to ask. Everyone works at their jobs. There is very little crime." Of course, it is not that simple. A military man or woman has to want to work and also must follow orders from superiors.
Mom and Dad were married for 60 1/2 years till Mom's death in 2002! They had their share of problems, but they worked together and enjoyed an enviable closeness in their later years.
It takes a strong woman to be a military wife. When her husband is out-to-sea or at a foreign post, she has to take care of paying the bills, all problems with children or school or home. Many, including my mother, were up to the challenge. (These days, there are also military women who sometimes have to leave husbands in charge.)
Another situation tests the family when Dad returns. It's a different life for him and the family has to get used to him all over again.
What are the rewards? First, a military family really does get to "See the World!" Different cultures are beautiful and sometimes exciting. My parents raised me to be a 'child of the world,' in other words, to appreciate people no matter where they live. Another benefit is that children learn to make friends easily. My parents enjoyed a great number of friends they kept from the various places where they lived. And then, there is the feeling of doing a very important job for our country, keeping the peace!
Many men I have worked with in nursing have previous military experience. Many, but not all, wish they would have made a career out of the Navy, Army, etc. Many of those left the service because 'the wife couldn't handle it.' Too bad! Some left because they wanted to make more money as a civilian.
Situation: Ed was a Navy man. He dearly loved his job. Sally despised being at home, having to deal with her daughter and baby son all by herself. Besides, she was lonely, even dating other men at times. Ed knew there were big problems at home and did not re-enlist when his tour of duty ended. Even though Ed was now at home, Sally kept dating others.
Lessons learned: A man and woman have to know themselves and share that with their intended spouse. The matter of job, place to live, not to mention values, must be discussed before marriage. Spare yourself the pain of divorce, settle all the important matters before you commit.
Outcome: Ed's military service probably had very little to do with this divorce. Sally married and divorced many times after the first time. Ed didn't marry for more than twenty years. Now he is happily married to spouse #2.
My mom, Adeline, was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. The U.S.O. organization there took busloads of young women to Fort Knox, Kentucky, to dance with the soldiers. There my Mom and Dad met and started dating. Dad proposed marriage to Mom on December 6, 1941. That was a never-ending source of pride for mom because the Pearl Harbor tragedy occurred the next day, December 7th. Mom said that after Pearl Harbor, many couples got engaged.
Mom and Dad married in Louisville on December 26th, 1941. Then Dad left for his duty in China. What a lonely time they must have experienced apart! And how mom must have worried! Having sons, grandsons, nephews, brothers, and friends in various armed services, I know something of the heart-wrenching worry when a loved one is in a war zone.
Mom, my three younger brothers, and I lived with Dad when he was stationed in Germany, Norfolk, Virginia, and Fort Knox, Kentucky (total of three assignments there). Otherwise, the family lived in Louisville while Dad was stationed in the Pentagon in Washington, D.C., and in Japan for two years.
Dad retired from the Army in 1957 with a rank of Lieutenant Colonel. He and Mom always liked to live near a military base for the medical benefits. When I'd visit them, we would always visit the Officers' Club for dinner at least once. At a base in California, I remarked to Mom and Dad, "I wish the whole world was run like a military base. Everything is perfectly clean. There are so many services, all the support a family could need, you just have to ask. Everyone works at their jobs. There is very little crime." Of course, it is not that simple. A military man or woman has to want to work and also must follow orders from superiors.
Mom and Dad were married for 60 1/2 years till Mom's death in 2002! They had their share of problems, but they worked together and enjoyed an enviable closeness in their later years.
It takes a strong woman to be a military wife. When her husband is out-to-sea or at a foreign post, she has to take care of paying the bills, all problems with children or school or home. Many, including my mother, were up to the challenge. (These days, there are also military women who sometimes have to leave husbands in charge.)
Another situation tests the family when Dad returns. It's a different life for him and the family has to get used to him all over again.
What are the rewards? First, a military family really does get to "See the World!" Different cultures are beautiful and sometimes exciting. My parents raised me to be a 'child of the world,' in other words, to appreciate people no matter where they live. Another benefit is that children learn to make friends easily. My parents enjoyed a great number of friends they kept from the various places where they lived. And then, there is the feeling of doing a very important job for our country, keeping the peace!
Many men I have worked with in nursing have previous military experience. Many, but not all, wish they would have made a career out of the Navy, Army, etc. Many of those left the service because 'the wife couldn't handle it.' Too bad! Some left because they wanted to make more money as a civilian.
Situation: Ed was a Navy man. He dearly loved his job. Sally despised being at home, having to deal with her daughter and baby son all by herself. Besides, she was lonely, even dating other men at times. Ed knew there were big problems at home and did not re-enlist when his tour of duty ended. Even though Ed was now at home, Sally kept dating others.
Lessons learned: A man and woman have to know themselves and share that with their intended spouse. The matter of job, place to live, not to mention values, must be discussed before marriage. Spare yourself the pain of divorce, settle all the important matters before you commit.
Outcome: Ed's military service probably had very little to do with this divorce. Sally married and divorced many times after the first time. Ed didn't marry for more than twenty years. Now he is happily married to spouse #2.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Honesty: Always the Best Policy?
Situation: Ellie was 8 1/2 months pregnant. She enjoyed sewing for her younger children but hardly ever for herself. She was getting so large around the middle, she felt she had to have something new for the final weeks, before the baby was born. She sewed herself a yellow cottony dress. The fabric had tiny blue flowers. There was a narrow ruffle at the neckline. In it, she looked very, very big, so she found a pattern for a long vest, to tone it down a bit. It was made of navy, linen-like fabric.
Now Ellie was pleased with the way she looked. She went into her living room where her husband, Jay, was watching TV. She modeled the new outfit. "Do you like it?" she asked. Jay looked and looked and was quiet. Finally, he told her, "You look like a fat, giant, purple grape."
Ellie was devastated. She should have known not to have asked his opinion. She just left the room and vowed to never ask his opinion on her appearance again.
Lessons learned: My mom and grandma told me repeatedly when I was growing up, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Then, my Bible taught, "Charity," do everything with Love. Yes, you can not lie. But, we have to tell the truth WITH LOVE. Sometimes this means 'deflecting' the raw truth. Might it not have been more charitable for Jay to say something like, "You did such a nice job sewing that. Those colors really look good on you."
Jay had a nasty habit of insulting Ellie and the children with the honest truth. He used honesty like a club and told them, "I'm telling you this for your own good." He seemed to have NO love in him at all.
Outcome: The marriage last only a few more years. In addition to the 'honest' cutting remarks, there were many verbal put-downs. When it came to the point of Jay's never being able to talk to one of the children without pushing them to tears, Ellie had enough. Ellie left Jay and wished she had been strong enough to do it earlier, before she and the children had so much to recover from.
Now Ellie was pleased with the way she looked. She went into her living room where her husband, Jay, was watching TV. She modeled the new outfit. "Do you like it?" she asked. Jay looked and looked and was quiet. Finally, he told her, "You look like a fat, giant, purple grape."
Ellie was devastated. She should have known not to have asked his opinion. She just left the room and vowed to never ask his opinion on her appearance again.
Lessons learned: My mom and grandma told me repeatedly when I was growing up, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Then, my Bible taught, "Charity," do everything with Love. Yes, you can not lie. But, we have to tell the truth WITH LOVE. Sometimes this means 'deflecting' the raw truth. Might it not have been more charitable for Jay to say something like, "You did such a nice job sewing that. Those colors really look good on you."
Jay had a nasty habit of insulting Ellie and the children with the honest truth. He used honesty like a club and told them, "I'm telling you this for your own good." He seemed to have NO love in him at all.
Outcome: The marriage last only a few more years. In addition to the 'honest' cutting remarks, there were many verbal put-downs. When it came to the point of Jay's never being able to talk to one of the children without pushing them to tears, Ellie had enough. Ellie left Jay and wished she had been strong enough to do it earlier, before she and the children had so much to recover from.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
The Woman, the Corvette, and the Grass
Situation: A former neighbor from long ago, Joy was a very hard worker. Her husband, Pete, had a factory job that paid well but he was unable to do very much around the house or with their two boys due to his 'allergies.' At that time, the great majority of mothers felt that taking care of the children was a full-time job. Joy was one of the few that had a job, and worked as a clerk. We knew why Joy was working at a paying job: "Pete wants a new Corvette and I want him to have it," she told us neighborhood gals one day.
Joy also did 100% of the housework which included mowing the grass. For all of you younglings and middle-age folks, in the 1960's and before, the division of labor in a typical household was fairly strict: the women and girls took care of the inside of the house; the man of the family did the yardwork.
Pete really did enjoy that beautiful new Corvette. He drove it everywhere around town except to work. He very, very carefully backed it into his garage. No dust or spots ever were seen on the car. He could stay outside just long enough to wash the car.
Guess someone literally can work themselves to death. That's exactly what happened to Joy. She died suddenly in her late 30's.
Lessons learned: It's hard a lot of times for all of us to live within our means. What is the alternative? Many folks in these times have lost their homes to foreclosure. The newspaper lists bankruptcies every week. We are saturated with credit card offers. We must live within our means. Having had to climb out from credit-card debt several times, I know the sting of trying to make ends meet. But you can sleep a lot easier if you don't have much debt!
Outcome: Right after Joy died, Pete started mowing his grass. Within several months, he married a woman almost half his age. He still kept mowing his grass, with no ill effects. Note: this is not to say that those with genuine allergies don't have hard lives; please take care of yourselves.
We missed our friend, Joy.
Joy also did 100% of the housework which included mowing the grass. For all of you younglings and middle-age folks, in the 1960's and before, the division of labor in a typical household was fairly strict: the women and girls took care of the inside of the house; the man of the family did the yardwork.
Pete really did enjoy that beautiful new Corvette. He drove it everywhere around town except to work. He very, very carefully backed it into his garage. No dust or spots ever were seen on the car. He could stay outside just long enough to wash the car.
Guess someone literally can work themselves to death. That's exactly what happened to Joy. She died suddenly in her late 30's.
Lessons learned: It's hard a lot of times for all of us to live within our means. What is the alternative? Many folks in these times have lost their homes to foreclosure. The newspaper lists bankruptcies every week. We are saturated with credit card offers. We must live within our means. Having had to climb out from credit-card debt several times, I know the sting of trying to make ends meet. But you can sleep a lot easier if you don't have much debt!
Outcome: Right after Joy died, Pete started mowing his grass. Within several months, he married a woman almost half his age. He still kept mowing his grass, with no ill effects. Note: this is not to say that those with genuine allergies don't have hard lives; please take care of yourselves.
We missed our friend, Joy.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
The Big Disconnect
Situation: Today I heard a talk about a concept I haven't heard mentioned for many, many years: MODESTY. The speaker is a former model. She told her life story, that she grew up with 'hippie' parents who subscribed to the culture of the day, "If it feels good, do it!" The family never went to church. She told the audience of women and teenage girls of all ages about what goes on behind the scenes during a fashion show. Backstage is co-ed; between trips down the runway, there are naked and semi-dressed women and men changing clothes and getting their hair fixed, all together, no one notices. She said that she never had a problem with this but that many newcomers to the fashion world do. The very attractive lady related that she did, however, feel 'uncomfortable' doing photo shoots for underwear.
The lovely lady had also been involved with beauty pageants. She said it was all the same there. People do anything, have implant surgery, dye hair, anything to be the beauty that is expected.
Apparently she also did a photo shoot with a model who was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, bathing suit issue. The model she met was perfectly beautiful, with a perfect body; she was going out with her new husband after the photo shoot. Our speaker asked her the next day about her 'date night,' "Oh, where'd you go?" The perfect woman sadly replied, "Oh, we went to a strip club." She thought it was so sad that the husband of the 'perfect' woman would have to go see other women's bodies, "Everybody thinks they'll be happy if they have the perfect body, but look at this woman! Look at most of the famous people in America (she put up photos of Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Monroe), look at how they lived. Whitney Huston probably could also be in this category. They didn't look very happy."
Our speaker said that in our society we are given an image of all the things we have to do to conform to someone's idea of beauty. She also mentioned about the Awards' Shows on TV: "The women are applauded for the barest of outfits. Their necklines merge with their waistlines."
Our speaker/model met the man who was to be her husband, also a model. Life was no different until she became pregnant. She started thinking about her child seeing photos or commercials of her in underwear. Then she decided she would no longer model. She started being aware of how she was or was not covered up.
Then she wanted to go to church. Her husband was a Catholic, but he never went to church. They both started to attend church and eventually she joined the church.
Next she displayed a mini-skirt from Abercrombie & Fitch. She said the atmosphere of the store is dark and seductive (have you ever seen the large photos of bare-chested teen-age guys - you can see them from outside the store), with perfume sprayed everywhere and music so loud you can hardly talk. She said a denim mini-skirt for sale there was about the length of a wide belt! She took it to the sales clerk and asked "What age girls will buy this?" The clerk replied, "All the 13-year-olds love them! Looks like it isn't for YOU!"
Lessons learned: Next our very pregnant model informed the clerk, "then I will have to go all over the nation and mention the store that does not care about teen-age girls." And now she is doing that! She told the assembled teens, "Stores don't care about you. They don't care if you get pregnant. They don't care if you get an S.T.D. All they want is your money."
The model/now mother of three told the audience that new research confirms that male and female brains are actually different. Many mothers promote or permit their young girls to dress, have make-up, and act very seductively. If two girls saw the denim mini-skirt, they would think, "How cute!" If a male saw a female in the skirt, he would have sexual thoughts. "Males have sexual thoughts approximately every 52 seconds."
She also told of a recent pope attending a dinner. Next to him sat a woman dressed with an extremely low neckline. The pope said nothing, even though the dress was inappropriate for the occasion. After dinner, fruit was passed around. The pope took an apple and presented it to the woman. "What is this for?" asked the woman. The pope responded, "Eve didn't know she was naked until she ate the apple."
This lesson might give us all pause to think. How are we dressing? How are we allowing our daughters to dress? Do we allow pornography in the house? What TV shows are permitted in our homes? What messages are we giving to our young people?
Outcome: up to you and me. We can think of creative ways and direct ways to give our young people and also the commercial sponsors the message of exactly what we will tolerate - or not. Our model says, "We vote with what we buy."
The lovely lady had also been involved with beauty pageants. She said it was all the same there. People do anything, have implant surgery, dye hair, anything to be the beauty that is expected.
Apparently she also did a photo shoot with a model who was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, bathing suit issue. The model she met was perfectly beautiful, with a perfect body; she was going out with her new husband after the photo shoot. Our speaker asked her the next day about her 'date night,' "Oh, where'd you go?" The perfect woman sadly replied, "Oh, we went to a strip club." She thought it was so sad that the husband of the 'perfect' woman would have to go see other women's bodies, "Everybody thinks they'll be happy if they have the perfect body, but look at this woman! Look at most of the famous people in America (she put up photos of Elvis, Michael Jackson, and Marilyn Monroe), look at how they lived. Whitney Huston probably could also be in this category. They didn't look very happy."
Our speaker said that in our society we are given an image of all the things we have to do to conform to someone's idea of beauty. She also mentioned about the Awards' Shows on TV: "The women are applauded for the barest of outfits. Their necklines merge with their waistlines."
Our speaker/model met the man who was to be her husband, also a model. Life was no different until she became pregnant. She started thinking about her child seeing photos or commercials of her in underwear. Then she decided she would no longer model. She started being aware of how she was or was not covered up.
Then she wanted to go to church. Her husband was a Catholic, but he never went to church. They both started to attend church and eventually she joined the church.
Next she displayed a mini-skirt from Abercrombie & Fitch. She said the atmosphere of the store is dark and seductive (have you ever seen the large photos of bare-chested teen-age guys - you can see them from outside the store), with perfume sprayed everywhere and music so loud you can hardly talk. She said a denim mini-skirt for sale there was about the length of a wide belt! She took it to the sales clerk and asked "What age girls will buy this?" The clerk replied, "All the 13-year-olds love them! Looks like it isn't for YOU!"
Lessons learned: Next our very pregnant model informed the clerk, "then I will have to go all over the nation and mention the store that does not care about teen-age girls." And now she is doing that! She told the assembled teens, "Stores don't care about you. They don't care if you get pregnant. They don't care if you get an S.T.D. All they want is your money."
The model/now mother of three told the audience that new research confirms that male and female brains are actually different. Many mothers promote or permit their young girls to dress, have make-up, and act very seductively. If two girls saw the denim mini-skirt, they would think, "How cute!" If a male saw a female in the skirt, he would have sexual thoughts. "Males have sexual thoughts approximately every 52 seconds."
She also told of a recent pope attending a dinner. Next to him sat a woman dressed with an extremely low neckline. The pope said nothing, even though the dress was inappropriate for the occasion. After dinner, fruit was passed around. The pope took an apple and presented it to the woman. "What is this for?" asked the woman. The pope responded, "Eve didn't know she was naked until she ate the apple."
This lesson might give us all pause to think. How are we dressing? How are we allowing our daughters to dress? Do we allow pornography in the house? What TV shows are permitted in our homes? What messages are we giving to our young people?
Outcome: up to you and me. We can think of creative ways and direct ways to give our young people and also the commercial sponsors the message of exactly what we will tolerate - or not. Our model says, "We vote with what we buy."
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Daddy Trap #2
Situation: Belinda was a waitress and Marty was a journeyman HVAC employee. She was 18 and he was 19 at the time. They dated for several months when Belinda informed Marty that they were expecting a child. Marty was thrilled! The only family he had was his aunt with whom he was living. Marty and Belinda moved into a small apartment. Marty dearly loved Belinda but she seemed very selfish and lazy. In time the baby was born but all was not well.
Belinda decided she didn't really like Marty all that well and moved into her own apartment. She expected Marty to pay for the apartment and child support. Marty paid what he could but it didn't satisfy Belinda. She took him to court and was awarded all of his pay except $75 per month. Marty moved back in with his aunt.
For several months, this seemed to work but Belinda didn't want Marty and his aunt to have the baby very often. Then Marty lost his job. Belinda went on welfare; she had quit work right before the baby was born. She was not happy. It was even harder for Marty to see his child, who he loved more than anyone. Marty's aunt started noticing that the baby had a bad diaper rash every time they kept him and he seemed to be losing weight. The next time they had the baby, she took him to a physician.
Marty told Belinda that he wanted to keep the baby all the time. That's when Belinda 'lost it!' She said that he would never again see the baby. Marty's aunt paid lawyer's fees to try to get Marty custody of the baby. Even though Marty and his aunt knew that Belinda was severely neglecting the baby, Marty didn't get custody.
Lessons learned: For the sake of any child that may result, please, please, do not have sex with anyone you wouldn't want to be the mother or father of your child!! There are many 'lines' many women or men use to get sex, perhaps, with 'hoping to get pregnant' in mind: 1) "I'm a diabetic, I can't get you pregnant," 2) "I'm nervous, I can't get you pregnant," 3) "I take the pill," and 4) Please tell the rest of us of any YOU have heard about.
It is even better for a child to be born with the parents married to each other. Research shows that children with two parents do far better in school. Don't you want that for YOUR child?
Outcome: I can't begin to tell you about the misery that Marty and his aunt went through, worrying about the baby! Several years ago, Marty's aunt passed away and I lost track of Marty, his aunt, Belinda and the baby.
Belinda decided she didn't really like Marty all that well and moved into her own apartment. She expected Marty to pay for the apartment and child support. Marty paid what he could but it didn't satisfy Belinda. She took him to court and was awarded all of his pay except $75 per month. Marty moved back in with his aunt.
For several months, this seemed to work but Belinda didn't want Marty and his aunt to have the baby very often. Then Marty lost his job. Belinda went on welfare; she had quit work right before the baby was born. She was not happy. It was even harder for Marty to see his child, who he loved more than anyone. Marty's aunt started noticing that the baby had a bad diaper rash every time they kept him and he seemed to be losing weight. The next time they had the baby, she took him to a physician.
Marty told Belinda that he wanted to keep the baby all the time. That's when Belinda 'lost it!' She said that he would never again see the baby. Marty's aunt paid lawyer's fees to try to get Marty custody of the baby. Even though Marty and his aunt knew that Belinda was severely neglecting the baby, Marty didn't get custody.
Lessons learned: For the sake of any child that may result, please, please, do not have sex with anyone you wouldn't want to be the mother or father of your child!! There are many 'lines' many women or men use to get sex, perhaps, with 'hoping to get pregnant' in mind: 1) "I'm a diabetic, I can't get you pregnant," 2) "I'm nervous, I can't get you pregnant," 3) "I take the pill," and 4) Please tell the rest of us of any YOU have heard about.
It is even better for a child to be born with the parents married to each other. Research shows that children with two parents do far better in school. Don't you want that for YOUR child?
Outcome: I can't begin to tell you about the misery that Marty and his aunt went through, worrying about the baby! Several years ago, Marty's aunt passed away and I lost track of Marty, his aunt, Belinda and the baby.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
The Woman, the Truck and the Hired Hand
Situation: Her name was Barbara and this was the third time she was admitted for suicide attempts. At that time on our Behavioral Medicine Unit, the severely depressed patient would stay for an average of 14 days per admission. This was the first time Barbara had come to our hospital.
Usually these patients need some sort of anti-depressant medication to chemically 'lift' their moods. After Barbara was able to rest and take medication for several days, the 'talk' therapy began. Between the psychiatrists, the nurses, and the various groups, patients would have therapy at least four times every day. In addition, they privately filled out the "Beck Inventory for Depression," a short questionnaire about how their moods were, their feelings, and their symptoms, such as loss of appetite.
As her assigned nurse, I read her history in her chart before I even met her. Barbara was 50-ish, from a small farming community in the other end of Kentucky, and had major depression on and off for more than twenty years. For several days she sadly talked about her life, her marriage, her problems that led her to try to end her life. She had married at age 18. Her husband was an extremely successful farmer. He virtually ignored her, coming home to sleep, have breakfast and read the newspaper. Barbara spoke very quietly, "In the mornings, he won't talk to me. I fix him breakfast and he reads the newspaper and never says a word. Then he goes off in his truck with his hired hand all day."
Barbara continued, "We don't have any money problems. I can pretty much buy what I want. Sometimes I see him in town with the hired hand in the truck, talking and laughing. That really hurts." She was still very sad, very much in pain. Then I asked her, "What do you think your OPTIONS are at this time? Something has to change. You can't keep doing this. The next time you might not make it."
Barbara sat up and appeared more energetic. "You know, I never thought there was anything I could do. He just would stare at me, never talk, then leave." She thought for several minutes. Then she offered, "I suppose I could get a divorce. But I really don't want to. If he only would pay me a little bit of attention. But what could I do to get his attention?" There were more minutes of silence.
We psychiatric nurses are taught that we can never solve a patient's problems, that the choices have to be his or hers. We don't offer advice. Barbara was now mad. She said, "I know what will get his attention. Several years ago, he cheated big on his taxes. I believe he'd like to listen to me very much. Then we can go from there."
Lessons learned: No matter what the horrible situation is in own lives, there are ALWAYS OPTIONS! If we feel we're backed into a corner with no way out, we need to talk to someone - fast! It would be far better to never let our lives deteriorate to the point where we're desperate.
Outcome: The next day Barbara's husband came to visit. They sat opposite each other in the patient dining room. Barbara sat straight up, had amazing resolve, and looked him straight in the eyes. He looked scared. I never heard what was said. Barbara went home the next day. I can't help feel that she never again felt severely depressed.
Usually these patients need some sort of anti-depressant medication to chemically 'lift' their moods. After Barbara was able to rest and take medication for several days, the 'talk' therapy began. Between the psychiatrists, the nurses, and the various groups, patients would have therapy at least four times every day. In addition, they privately filled out the "Beck Inventory for Depression," a short questionnaire about how their moods were, their feelings, and their symptoms, such as loss of appetite.
As her assigned nurse, I read her history in her chart before I even met her. Barbara was 50-ish, from a small farming community in the other end of Kentucky, and had major depression on and off for more than twenty years. For several days she sadly talked about her life, her marriage, her problems that led her to try to end her life. She had married at age 18. Her husband was an extremely successful farmer. He virtually ignored her, coming home to sleep, have breakfast and read the newspaper. Barbara spoke very quietly, "In the mornings, he won't talk to me. I fix him breakfast and he reads the newspaper and never says a word. Then he goes off in his truck with his hired hand all day."
Barbara continued, "We don't have any money problems. I can pretty much buy what I want. Sometimes I see him in town with the hired hand in the truck, talking and laughing. That really hurts." She was still very sad, very much in pain. Then I asked her, "What do you think your OPTIONS are at this time? Something has to change. You can't keep doing this. The next time you might not make it."
Barbara sat up and appeared more energetic. "You know, I never thought there was anything I could do. He just would stare at me, never talk, then leave." She thought for several minutes. Then she offered, "I suppose I could get a divorce. But I really don't want to. If he only would pay me a little bit of attention. But what could I do to get his attention?" There were more minutes of silence.
We psychiatric nurses are taught that we can never solve a patient's problems, that the choices have to be his or hers. We don't offer advice. Barbara was now mad. She said, "I know what will get his attention. Several years ago, he cheated big on his taxes. I believe he'd like to listen to me very much. Then we can go from there."
Lessons learned: No matter what the horrible situation is in own lives, there are ALWAYS OPTIONS! If we feel we're backed into a corner with no way out, we need to talk to someone - fast! It would be far better to never let our lives deteriorate to the point where we're desperate.
Outcome: The next day Barbara's husband came to visit. They sat opposite each other in the patient dining room. Barbara sat straight up, had amazing resolve, and looked him straight in the eyes. He looked scared. I never heard what was said. Barbara went home the next day. I can't help feel that she never again felt severely depressed.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Friends?
Situation: Jerry met Ben at their work, an honest but barely above minimum wage job. They worked together well, often eating lunch together. Sometimes they'd chat on the phone after work. One time Ben asked Jerry for $300.00, "My mother needs surgery bad and this is all we need for her to get it." $300.00 was a lot of money to Jerry but tomorrow was payday and he really liked Ben. Jerry agreed and gave him the money with the agreement that in two weeks, Ben would pay him back on payday.
Months went by, Ben never gave Jerry any part of what he owed. He had many lame excuses. Then Ben quit the job. Jerry never saw him again.
Lessons learned: This lesson was very expensive for Jerry! He was too trusting!
My granny told me, many times over: "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." There are always loans to be had in an emergency. A good rule is to never borrow from or lend money to either friends or family. I personally have, on rare occasions, lent money to a family member but only if I could afford to lose the whole amount.
Months went by, Ben never gave Jerry any part of what he owed. He had many lame excuses. Then Ben quit the job. Jerry never saw him again.
Lessons learned: This lesson was very expensive for Jerry! He was too trusting!
My granny told me, many times over: "Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are." There are always loans to be had in an emergency. A good rule is to never borrow from or lend money to either friends or family. I personally have, on rare occasions, lent money to a family member but only if I could afford to lose the whole amount.
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Daddy Trap
Situation: Carrie was a 30-something clerk in an office building who had never been married. Brad was a 40-ish professional working in the same building who had also never been married. After they met, they dated for a month. Five weeks later, Carrie called Brad and informed him, "I'm pregnant. The baby's due -------." Never having fathered a child, Brad was in shock but agreed to pay Carrie's expenses.
Soon thereafter, Carrie went shopping: $13,000 for maternity and newborn clothes and more than $10,000 for baby furniture. Brad was again in shock but paid the bills. Carrie wanted to move in with Brad. She did, for several months, but it didn't work out.
The baby was born; Brad paid the hospital and physician expenses. Carrie wanted to move in again. Brad didn't allow it. Carrie was planning on being a stay-at-home mom but had to get a job and rely on her relatives or day care to take care of the baby. Brad pays reasonable child support, health insurance for the baby, but not enough to support both mother and child. He takes the baby at least one day a week but usually drops the baby off at his mother's house or tries to get other relatives to care for the baby.
Lessons learned: How totally irresponsible and selfish it is to have sex without being married! If you have sex, you need to prepared for pregnancy, and either care for the baby after birth or let the baby be adopted. Those are the bare facts. Being a nurse, I could tell you about many children born with the couple using every form of 'birth control' known to humanity. The only 100% reliable method is saying, "no!"
And what about abortion, the 'back up' method, if birth control fails and your sex results in a baby? Seriously, do you really want to think about your baby being killed, in excruciating pain? You may think you could live with this, but the reality is, you won't be able to live with it forever. Post-abortion, both women and men will, for the rest of their lives, see a child about the age of the child they had but threw away and think, "Oh, my child would have been that old."
Why wait for the commitment of marriage to have a baby when approximately 50% of American marriages end in divorce? Marriage is legal and moral protection for the child. If you marry for love, are responsible and mature enough: this is the best situation in which to nurture a child. Don't you want to have the best for any child of yours?
Outcome: Brad never intends to get married. While he is a 'nice' gentleman, he's an alcoholic but doesn't admit it to himself. He has had a series of beautiful girlfriends with whom he never once considered marriage. Brad's friends encouraged him to get DNA testing for himself and the baby to see if the baby really was his. He just couldn't bring himself to do this.
Why did Carrie try to 'trap' Brad into marriage with a baby? Apparently, Carrie's mother had several marriages and divorces; with each successive marriage, she married a man with a better job. Carrie was trying to follow in her mother's footsteps.
Brad and his family are obviously 'well-to-do.' While Brad intends to support the child till age 18, many other men could not or would not do this.
Soon thereafter, Carrie went shopping: $13,000 for maternity and newborn clothes and more than $10,000 for baby furniture. Brad was again in shock but paid the bills. Carrie wanted to move in with Brad. She did, for several months, but it didn't work out.
The baby was born; Brad paid the hospital and physician expenses. Carrie wanted to move in again. Brad didn't allow it. Carrie was planning on being a stay-at-home mom but had to get a job and rely on her relatives or day care to take care of the baby. Brad pays reasonable child support, health insurance for the baby, but not enough to support both mother and child. He takes the baby at least one day a week but usually drops the baby off at his mother's house or tries to get other relatives to care for the baby.
Lessons learned: How totally irresponsible and selfish it is to have sex without being married! If you have sex, you need to prepared for pregnancy, and either care for the baby after birth or let the baby be adopted. Those are the bare facts. Being a nurse, I could tell you about many children born with the couple using every form of 'birth control' known to humanity. The only 100% reliable method is saying, "no!"
And what about abortion, the 'back up' method, if birth control fails and your sex results in a baby? Seriously, do you really want to think about your baby being killed, in excruciating pain? You may think you could live with this, but the reality is, you won't be able to live with it forever. Post-abortion, both women and men will, for the rest of their lives, see a child about the age of the child they had but threw away and think, "Oh, my child would have been that old."
Why wait for the commitment of marriage to have a baby when approximately 50% of American marriages end in divorce? Marriage is legal and moral protection for the child. If you marry for love, are responsible and mature enough: this is the best situation in which to nurture a child. Don't you want to have the best for any child of yours?
Outcome: Brad never intends to get married. While he is a 'nice' gentleman, he's an alcoholic but doesn't admit it to himself. He has had a series of beautiful girlfriends with whom he never once considered marriage. Brad's friends encouraged him to get DNA testing for himself and the baby to see if the baby really was his. He just couldn't bring himself to do this.
Why did Carrie try to 'trap' Brad into marriage with a baby? Apparently, Carrie's mother had several marriages and divorces; with each successive marriage, she married a man with a better job. Carrie was trying to follow in her mother's footsteps.
Brad and his family are obviously 'well-to-do.' While Brad intends to support the child till age 18, many other men could not or would not do this.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Very, very important recommendation!
Besides your Bible or other significant religious book, I've just finished reading a book that is second in importance: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Written by Lundy Bancroft, this book gets to the heart of the nasty, tragic, widespread, ABUSE problem. (Published by Berkley Books, New York, 2002).
The author has spent 17 years "specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men." He has these mean men (and, there are women who abuse also) figured out: what is abuse, what is their thinking and responsibility, what they get out of abusing, and what to do if you or someone you know is being hurt. He counsels how to extricate yourself SAFELY from such a harmful relationship.
Perhaps the worst thing about a abusive relationship is that the children present suffer greatly also, may learn patterns of abuse, and perpetuate it. We MUST stop this cycle!
If you are being abused, either physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually and/or financially, you need to digest this book. It may save your life! If you feel you can't go out and buy it and keep it at home, read it at the library (ask them to order it if they don't have it) or at a friend's house.
If you are not being abused in any way, praise the Lord! You still need to read this in order to help a friend or family member, if the need arises, now or in the future (nothing except the Bible is in print forever!).
We American women in 2013 must consider ourselves the most privileged women in the world, right now and for all times! Most of our men respect us and most of the ones who do not, know they had better at least pretend they respect us. We are human beings, no better, no worse than men in every aspect of life. We have much to contribute to life, if allowed. You know that most of the women of the world now and for millions of years, have been treated as if they were 'property.' What a waste!! WE CANNOT LOOK THE OTHER WAY! I beg you to read this book and act on it if you need to!!!
The author has spent 17 years "specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men." He has these mean men (and, there are women who abuse also) figured out: what is abuse, what is their thinking and responsibility, what they get out of abusing, and what to do if you or someone you know is being hurt. He counsels how to extricate yourself SAFELY from such a harmful relationship.
Perhaps the worst thing about a abusive relationship is that the children present suffer greatly also, may learn patterns of abuse, and perpetuate it. We MUST stop this cycle!
If you are being abused, either physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually and/or financially, you need to digest this book. It may save your life! If you feel you can't go out and buy it and keep it at home, read it at the library (ask them to order it if they don't have it) or at a friend's house.
If you are not being abused in any way, praise the Lord! You still need to read this in order to help a friend or family member, if the need arises, now or in the future (nothing except the Bible is in print forever!).
We American women in 2013 must consider ourselves the most privileged women in the world, right now and for all times! Most of our men respect us and most of the ones who do not, know they had better at least pretend they respect us. We are human beings, no better, no worse than men in every aspect of life. We have much to contribute to life, if allowed. You know that most of the women of the world now and for millions of years, have been treated as if they were 'property.' What a waste!! WE CANNOT LOOK THE OTHER WAY! I beg you to read this book and act on it if you need to!!!
Friday, August 2, 2013
Living in FantasyLand
Situation: Dwayne seemed to be the perfect gentleman on their dates. Glenda appreciated that he didn't try to 'hit on' her the way lots of guys did. They decided together where they would go and had a great time. Although they never formally talked about it, Glenda wanted an 'equal' marriage in which they would work together, respect each other, have fun together. They married and had problems the first day. Dwayne expected Glenda to be the 'perfect' wife. He thought she should meet all his needs and 'serve' him; her needs did not even count. He not only knew what was good for himself, he knew what was good for Glenda and, of course, for the whole world. Glenda couldn't figure out what went wrong. She spent years trying to figure out what she could do to change Dwayne into the perfect man she had dated.
Lessons learned: No one is perfect!! Dwayne turned out to be an old-fashioned abuser! He ridiculed Glenda, he threatened her, he called her names, he put her down to where she was, at one time, severely depressed. The only clue to his behavior before they were married was that he was somewhat arrogant at times, superior. He was slightly nervous, judgmental, and kept track of every penny he had ever earned. In short, Dwayne thought he was perfect and expected Glenda to also be perfect, his definition of 'perfect.' They were both living in FantasyLand!
1. You can never, never change another person! The only person you can change is yourself.
2. If you ignore a characteristic of someone that just doesn't seem right, talk to someone else about it. Your gut feeling is probably right.
3. Please, please, stay as close to reality as you can, especially when you're trying to decide whether or not to marry someone.
Outcome: Glenda came to a point where she realized that even though Dwayne never hit her, his constant put-downs and threats were abuse. She realized that she could not change him. Then she realized that he would never change. Glenda divorced Dwayne. He is still living in FantasyLand that someday she will want to get back together with him. If she met a really nice man, Glenda would marry again. She has healed!
Lessons learned: No one is perfect!! Dwayne turned out to be an old-fashioned abuser! He ridiculed Glenda, he threatened her, he called her names, he put her down to where she was, at one time, severely depressed. The only clue to his behavior before they were married was that he was somewhat arrogant at times, superior. He was slightly nervous, judgmental, and kept track of every penny he had ever earned. In short, Dwayne thought he was perfect and expected Glenda to also be perfect, his definition of 'perfect.' They were both living in FantasyLand!
1. You can never, never change another person! The only person you can change is yourself.
2. If you ignore a characteristic of someone that just doesn't seem right, talk to someone else about it. Your gut feeling is probably right.
3. Please, please, stay as close to reality as you can, especially when you're trying to decide whether or not to marry someone.
Outcome: Glenda came to a point where she realized that even though Dwayne never hit her, his constant put-downs and threats were abuse. She realized that she could not change him. Then she realized that he would never change. Glenda divorced Dwayne. He is still living in FantasyLand that someday she will want to get back together with him. If she met a really nice man, Glenda would marry again. She has healed!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)