Learning from Movies

There is an immense amount of important teachings to learn from a well-done motion picture.  Tonight, I watched an old movie, "The House of Spirits."  In many movies and books, the actual stories and side stories woven into the plot are absorbing but serve to highlight what the main character learns, sometimes after a lifetime of mistakes.  The main character in this movie learned that the most important thing in life is family and love, and also forgiveness.  All power and achievements are as ashes in your mouth if you have not learned this.

Lord, we know we have to work and make a living to support ourselves and those we love, but help us take time and make time for family and love, and for you, too, Lord, on this day, your day, Sunday.

Taking It With a Grain of Salt

There's bound to be at least one in all of our lives: the Drama Queen.  You know what I mean, the person who goes over the edge of common sense for every situation of his or her life.

Meet Joyce: she is chronically ill, actually to the point where she could no longer survive surgery.  She takes many medicines and is frequently distressed that she will die any moment.  So Joyce tells everyone she knows the plans she's made for her death.  We all try hard to be compassionate, but for the 15th time: it gets old.  We know when she's screaming and hollering, her pain meds need to be adjusted again - or perhaps, she forgot she took a pill and took another one by mistake (overdose!).

And then there's Gordon: he earns lots of money and works to earn even more.  He loves to spend this money and is generous with others.  The problem comes when Gordon reaches near total exhaustion: he gets these migraine headaches for days, wants to talk endlessly about all his problems, then will finally rest when there is no other option.

Last of all, consider Frannie: she plays the 'victim' to everyone, "poor little me," "everyone is better than me," and on and on.  All her friends have a nice husband, a lot more money, and are prettier than Frannie.  "Why me?"

What do these folks have in common: they get a lot of attention, like a broken record, singing the same 'song,' over and over.  What should we, their family and friends, do?  First, we should probably realize that nothing we say or do will ever change them.  Secondly, it won't do any good to agree with them, play into what may be fantasies.  Lastly, we can know that they're just 'venting,' listen to them as long as we have patience, and let them be.

Lord, sometimes those we love don't want our advice, they just want us to listen.  Help us to be compassionate, to be loving, as we know you love us always!

A Married Single Woman

You never know just who among your family or friends is living a life of quiet, cold desperation.  You never know who is just hanging on to life by one fingernail.  It takes an enormous amount of energy to maintain the 'front' that you have a lovely, happy family when you really don't.  You hope against hope that things will improve.  You'll do absolutely anything short of pulling out your last eyelash to make things better.  Somehow, nothing helps.

Some people think they can put up with a life of coldness or outright abuse forever.  Why do people stay in a job or in a marriage when the outlook is horrible?  Everyone, yes, everyone has their limits to what amount of pain they can tolerate!  They don't think they have a limit and suddenly it is reached and they bail out one way or another.  Their family and friends support them and wonder, "What took you so long?"

Mary Angela was such a woman living a life so cold, she felt she was living in a cold, quiet, dark, rock-hard tomb.  Mary Angela had been with Kelsey for eighteen years and they had been married for thirteen years.  In the early years, the couple had been madly in love and simply had to do everything together.  They went out with other couples, went to parties, had parties in their home, went shopping together, took vacations together, and had fun. Both Mary Angela and Kelsey worked but found time to be a couple.

Without knowing what happened, Mary Angela realized that Kelsey no longer wanted to go out with her.  He wanted to stay home, watch TV or work on his stamp collection.  When she lost her only pregnancy prematurely, Mary Angela recalled that Kelsey was no support whatsoever.  She wistfully looked back, "All I needed was maybe a hug around the shoulders and some expression of sorrow.  But I got nothing."

Kelsey wanted to move far away to another city for a better job.  Mary Angela felt it was her duty to move with him.  Now life was worse for Mary Angela because she had no friends or job in the new city.  And Kelsey was colder than ever, not nasty, just distant.  Mary Angela knew the move was a big mistake.  Yet she quickly got a good job and started to make new friends.

The big decision to leave Kelsey was not easy but Mary Angela could not picture herself living in the tomb for much longer.  Kelsey didn't protest at all when Mary Angela told him that she had 'filed,' he just said, "OK."

What causes certain people to 'shut down' emotionally?  Or could it be that they were just pretending to be 'connected' for a while?  See this blog on Sept. 18, 2013, "Two Married Single Men," for a similar situation.  Spouses of these 'cold' people may stay with the marriage or they may leave.  Both situations are sad.

Lord God, we pray, help us to be present, really in touch, with those we care about.  Help us notice if they are in pain and comfort them.  Give us the words to say.  And if we're in a hopeless situation, please send us to those who would help us choose our best option.  We thank you and we praise you!

Serious, Grave Rethinking Today

This week I have been so pleased to visit the places where my late, dear father, Reuben, was born and grew up in Tennessee (please see my travel blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com, Monday, March 24 through Thursday, March 27, 2014, for an account).  After much work online at home on www.ancestry.com, and and inquiries in Savannah, Tennessee, to find out which cemeteries my dad's parents, aunt and uncle were buried in, I found three out of the four gravesites after looking in four cemeteries.  There were many small cemeteries in the area!  Finding their burial sites was extremely important to me.  I've been wanting to do this for quite a long time.

On the way home, I had time to think about my own after-death plans.  I've signed my body over to the University of Kentucky Medical School.  I originally did it, both to make use of that which I no longer needed, my body, and to spare my family funeral expenses.  When the University is finished with it, they will provide a simple burial, at which family may attend, if they desire.

But now I'm not so sure!  What if, after 100 years, one of my ancestors want to visit my gravesite?  Where would they go?  I think I'll investigate if the University would let the family have a regular funeral when they're finished.  I might end up making new plans!  What about you?  Have you planned your funeral?  I hope you don't think this is morbid.  To my mind, death is just a passage to a new, everlasting life, better than this life!  It's so much easier on those left behind when funeral plans are already made, and especially easier, if everything is already paid for!!  When I was involved in Music Ministry at church, some of the members told me which songs they wanted at their funerals. That's SERIOUS planning!

My dear Lord, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in the way of after-death plans. Now I'm not so sure.  Please help me decide which is the best option for my family!

Reasons to Marry, #6: Same Religion

Situation:  Angelique was a devout Christian young woman, a Sunday School teacher of children.  She was very traditional, wanting to be a stay-at-home mom as her mother did while she was growing up.  Only dating young men from her church was important to her.  Angelique had been cautioned against 'mixed marriages,' how difficult it was to raise children if the parents did not have the same beliefs.

Angelique married Benjamin, a young man who went to the same church, whose parents were friends with her parents.  Right from the first day of their marriage, Angelique knew something was wrong but she was in total shock.  Benjamin was not the man she thought he was while they were dating.  He turned out to be totally autocratic, "the man of the house," who allowed for no other opinions than his own.  Benjamin had no respect for women, especially Angelique whom he perceived was weak, like all other women.

It was becoming increasingly hard for Angelique to maintain a 'front' of a happy marriage to Benjamin, especially since he was abusive to her.  Divorce was not allowed in her church.  For many years, Angelique endured harsh treatment, for their children's sake.  The family was highly respected in the community.  Angelique's parents knew Benjamin did not treat her well but didn't want to interfere.

Lessons learned:  While having the same religious beliefs may be ideal, it can not be the primary qualification in a spouse.  "It is easier to make a man (or woman) into a good Christian (insert your own religion here) than it is to make a Christian into a good man." It is the goodness of the total character of a potential spouse and the love between man and woman that promises a happy marriage.  Other qualities pale into comparison to these two qualities.  Would you agree?

Outcome:  It was the hardest thing she ever did in her life but eventually Angelique had to leave the marriage with Benjamin.  She remained in her church, had plenty of love and support from her family and friends, none of whom knew what she was planning until it was announced in the newspaper.  Benjamin went to another church where he remains as a 'loner.'

Dear God, we love you and worship you.  Help us know that there are many different paths, religious beliefs, to you.  Help us respect those of others.  Guide all our young ones in their choices of spouses.

Messy Windows

On my recent "Winter Escape!" trip south for a month, my car windows were really dusty, especially in Florida.  I used the window-washer feature more than ever.  Several days ago, a new icon lit up on my dashboard.  It looked like windows being sprayed so I assumed my window washer fluid was low.  I've never seen that light before!  When the car was serviced or had the oil changed, the dealer might have automatically topped it off.  I found fluid "for temperatures down to -20 degrees," thinking we might still have a bit of cold weather, and started carefully pouring it in the tube in the front of the engine with a matching icon on the lid.  I poured and poured and ended up pouring in the whole gallon!  It's nice to know the tank holds so much - the car is nearly 8 years old.

That pricked my mind: do relationships need 'servicing?'  Oh, yes!  We don't want to neglect any relationship that means a lot to us.  No one can read your mind and know you love them: you have to tell them!  Likewise, unless someone tells you, "I love you," in some form, you'll never know.  Let's make a very special effort to make sure everyone we care about hears words of love from us - soon!

What else could relationship 'servicing' entail?  How about other signs of affection: doing something special, taking time to listen - you know what to do!

This blog today is dedicated to my friend, Betsy.  Before I left on my pilgrimage to Israel and Italy last fall, Betsy and I planned to get together for lunch on my return.  After unpacking, I noticed a phone message from her sister-in-law, who called me shortly thereafter.  "Betsy died a week ago," she sadly informed me, "She had a heart attack.  The EMTs were there and couldn't revive her.  I don't think she even knew she had heart problems."  Betsy was 70 years old.  I miss her.

Don't wait to express your love!  And let's don't forget about our relationships with God - He loves us more than anyone.  Do we express our love to God?

Spirit of Adventure!

Oh, the places you'll go!  Oh, the things you'll see!  Doesn't that sound like a children's Dr. Seuss book?  If you have but the tiniest spirit of adventure, you'll be rewarded many times over by traveling to interesting places and talking with interesting people.

There's this theory of mine; I've proved it individually many times on airplanes.  I propose that if you talk long enough to any person in the world, eventually, you will find a connection.  Try it sometime!  The best places to have a long chat are on long plane trips or between flights for a few hours.  Long bus rides are good places, too.

Recently, I was thinking about my trip to Israel last October.  Due to the volatile situation in that part of the world, at first, my daughter #4, Theresa, and I decided we shouldn't go.  Then a week later there was an ad in our church bulletin for "14 days in Israel and Italy, led by Father Richard," a former parish priest.  We knew we would be safe with Father Richard!  By the time we reached Rome, our tour group ended up with five priests and 40 people!

Personally, Israel must be one of the safest places in the world!  There are six separate checkpoints.  Every person and their luggage is thoroughly checked, both before entry into the country and when exiting the country.  I have never gone through any security checks anywhere that approaches that level of thoroughness.

And now, week after week, I am reaping the rewards of that pilgrimage!  When the Bible readings tell where Jesus was, I remember: I was there!  It means so much more!  But this isn't a 'pitch' for Israel, it is a 'pitch' to pick a place, and go there!

My dear parents, Adeline and Reuben, were world travelers.  They explained, "We're going to travel - while we can."  Then one day, when Mom was around 80 years old and Dad was 85, they decided they were too tired to travel and told me and my brothers, "If you want to see us, you'll have to come to us."  And we did.  I hope to do the same, travel while I can!

One interesting person Theresa and I met on our Israel trip was a young steward on the plane.  We were sitting on an 'exit' row and he pulled down a seat opposite us and sat down.  It seemed a really long time to taxi out of the Atlanta airport, but we learned his life story, how he was from Austria and wanted to travel the world and now he is able to do so and where he's been and where he plans to go.

Don't limit your world!  God has created for us a most beautiful, exciting world!  See a few new places, while you're still able!

The Best Therapy

In June of 2012, I fell and broke my left arm clear through.  My shoulder was also severely bruised.  After two-and-a-half months of healing, my orthopedic doc declared I was healed to the point where I could begin 'mild' physical therapy.  My therapist, "Isaac," measured how much I could move my arm - barely 5 or 6 inches away from my body when hanging down.  Then he kindly explained, "I will hurt you.  You will cuss me."

Feeling confident in my ardent desire to work hard enough to return to my pre-break condition and job as a nurse, I told him, "I have a very high toleration for pain.  And that's not my style.  I won't cuss you."  Isaac said nothing.

He was so right!  Every movement of my arm and shoulder was extremely painful.  I took it as best as I could and told him when I couldn't anymore.  But it seemed that the further into a treatment we went, the less clear I could think.

One time my left elbow was bent at a right angle at my side, upwards, and Isaac was slowly moving it backwards.  That was particularly gruesome.  I told him, "If I could hit you, I would!" (I can't believe I actually said that!)  It went on for a few more minutes.  Then I snapped, "I bet no one gives you cookies!"  After another two minutes, I went on to quip, "And if they did, you shouldn't eat them!"

Next we changed to another movement, and I completed the thought, "You know, no one gives me cookies either.  I stick needles in them."  Isaac said not a word, but smiled.

He told me, regarding my left shoulder, "Your scars have scars on them.  I will break them up."  And I'm sure he did!

This current season of Lent before Easter is very similar to physical therapy - it is Therapy for the Soul!  We all have 'sick' souls because of the offenses we commit every day. The practice of 'denying ourselves' of some of our common pleasures is somewhat painful.  There's nothing wrong with eating chocolate, playing computer games, etc., but if we give up something we like for a while, it will give us moral strength.  It will give us the will and discipline to resist 'temptations' to do wrong things when the temptations will inevitably arise.  The challenge is that it is up to each one of us to choose what will do us the most good. This is just between us and God.  But the payoff is in this relationship with God, we will do it because we love him and will become closer.  In the end, this is the relationship with which we most want to concern ourselves!

Lord, we know it's a lot more fun to spoil ourselves as much as we possibly can.  But please, we pray, help us discover the joy in sacrifice, in giving up small things for you!

Twenty-first Century Challenge

Did you happen to read this blog on March 14, 2014, "One Teenager, Two Years?"  It described my grandparents on my father's side of the family.  Before my grandfather, age 49,  married my grandmother, age 18, he was married and had two daughters.  Also, grandpa was married after grandma left him, for a total of three wives.

Probably for several millions of years, men expected that they would have several wives with children by each of them because so many women died in childbirth.  Now, praise God, the number of women dying in childbirth is extremely low.  And, of course, due to antibiotics and other medical advances, we are living longer than ever before.

Yet we seem to have the pattern of previous generations of men having several wives and children by each.  What is different?  Now the women are living longer and having several husbands!  Here is our challenge:  marry wisely, marry once!  What would it take?  Can we do it?  What would be the rewards?  WILL we do it?

There are signs this wisdom may be in humanity's future: young people see the tragic effects of their parents' divorces and are marrying at older ages, most of them.  They want to be married only once.  They want their children to be raised by both parents.

What else can we do to encourage this?  We can clean up our media!  Earlier today, I heard on the news that fully 60% of Americans are heavily invested in internet pornography!  Surely, we can have greater aspirations than to give away our souls to depravity!!  For one thing, we can encourage parents to take greater supervision of their children's use of the internet on computer and on their phones.  Children will not monitor themselves!  You know what to do about 'dirty' TV shows and movies: do not buy the advertised products.  And let's support all the 'clean' entertainment!

The institution of marriage must be nurtured and encouraged, for a civilized society! Viva Marriage!

Dear God, we pray for your help again, this time, to help us each do what we can for decency in our society.  We were once so full of promise for a great nation, let our promises not be empty!

Seeing the Trees

If a person is emotionally upset about a particular situation, it's very difficult to see the 'big picture,' in other words, you can't see the trees for the forest.  You are almost overwhelmed by your flooding feelings.  It helps very much to talk out your feelings and situation with someone you trust, someone who will listen without judgment, someone who won't try to solve your problems for you but perhaps think of options you haven't thought of.

Five or ten or fifteen years ago, I would have first recommended a counselor, a licensed psychologist, a psychiatrist, a social worker or psychiatric nurse.  Now, however, I'm not so sure.  There has been a big disconnect from the past 'science' of psychology, to the present 'religion' of psychology.  It seems that the practitioners of this most useful field have wholeheartedly embraced a 'humanistic' frame of reference, at the best, or an 'atheistic' one, at the worst.  I have talked with several acquaintances who have been told, "I'll help you as a person but I don't care a thing about your marriage."

In the religion of Humanism, the individual Person is worshipped.  Likewise, in the religion of Atheism, the individual Person is worshipped.  Now, tell me how stupid and silly this is!  We humans did not create ourselves nor did we create our world or our universe.  And, it wasn't an accident, either!  Every human person innately knows that there is a Supreme Being who is the Creator and is worthy of our worship.

Practitioners of psychology used to treat the whole person.  This included the person's Spirituality.  Now the great majority of them have gone to great lengths to disconnect their practices from anything spiritual, religious.  This is a tragic mistake!  A person's soul cannot be taken from their human person!  To deny the spiritual is to deny any possibility of healing!

What can we do if we need 'counseling?'  1) talk to your minister, priest, other clergy member.  Many are also trained psychologists.  This is your best course of action.  2) talk to various psychologists, psychiatrists, etc., and find out exactly how they will treat you.  Do they believe that spirituality and religion play a part in healing?  3) talk to a trusted family member or friend.

If you have a serious, chemically-dependent psychiatric condition, that means that you have a chemical imbalance in your body and will need medicine.  For this, you must depend on a psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse practitioner.

Over the years, I've heard so many persons say that depression and anxiety are character deficiencies and that if someone suffers from them, they can 'pull themselves up by their boot straps.'  No!  Sometimes you just need some help; there's no shame or sin in that!

I've also heard that psychiatrists are 'quacks' that just want your money.  Also wrong!  Psychiatrists are very, very busy, mostly with patients who have serious, chronic chemically-dependent psychological problems.

Don't suffer!  Get help!

Great Lord God of the Universe, we ask your help for all your children who are emotionally hurting.  Help them seek help from those who would treat their whole person. Please direct all psychology practitioners to realize that spirituality plays a large part in everyone's lives.  We thank you!

Reasons to Marry, #5: To Become a Citizen

Situation:  Johann was an extraordinarily handsome young man in his mid-twenties.  He was visiting in the home of friends of mine, invited by their daughter, Betsy.  They had met in Austria where Betsy had spent a semester abroad, as part of her college experience.  Betsy was attractive but paled beside Johann.  I couldn't help but notice that Johann paid very little attention to Betsy but looked over and flirted with every other female in the room.  Johann spoke very understandable English and touted that he was really wanting to come to America and live.  Betsy was obviously smitten with Johann.

After the visit of several weeks, Johann returned to Austria with hopes that Betsy would soon follow.  Betsy and her mother, my dear friend, asked me what I thought of the young man.  (I've never before or since been asked about a prospective spouse from any person other than family members!)  I told them that I felt 'bad feelings' about Johann, that he had more enthusiasm about coming to America than about Betsy.

Outcome:  Betsy never visited Johann.  I think she agreed with what her mother and I thought of him.

Lessons learned:  There are many women from small towns in Kentucky who have foreign husbands.  I have no idea whether or not their marriages are happy, but judging from the patients I had when I was working as a nurse, I saw much abuse of the women.  I have no idea how long one has to be married to an American to become a legal citizen.

Oh, Lord, sometimes I wonder if we women will ever learn to wait until love develops and not settle for anything less in a marriage!  Teach us how, we pray!  And, while you're at it, Lord, teach this to the men also!

Unexpected Deaths

Situation #1:  Lucille and Pierce were married with one teenage daughter, Julia, whom they dearly loved. Julia was a good student, had many friends, and enjoyed lots of after-school activities.  One afternoon, Lucille was driving Julia to her tennis lessons.  Lucille got distracted and the car went over the edge of a hill and turned over.  Neither were wearing seat belts.  Lucille got bruised quite a bit but Julia died of her injuries.  Of course, both parents were crushed by Julia's death.  But Pierce blamed Lucille for Julia's death. He immediately divorced her, with hatred.  Lucille was depressed for many years about Julia's death.

Situation #2:  Amanda and Jerry had an apparently happy marriage even though they never had the children both wanted.  Amanda's whole family loved Jerry, especially her father, Charlie.  Jerry never had a father in his house while growing up and considered Jerry his 'real' father.  In time, Charlie developed Alzheimer's Disease.  Eventually Charlie got to the point where his physical condition was rapidly deteriorating.  Amanda and her family got together and decided that Charlie had previously said he "didn't want to be hooked up to a bunch of tubes," that they would respect his wishes instead of letting the doctors hook Charlie up to dialysis, insert a feeding tube into his abdomen, and have him wear oxygen tubing at all times.  Charlie died within several weeks. Jerry was inconsolable!  "How could you just let him go like that?"  He accused Amanda of not caring about her father.  Then he told Amanda, "I just can't stand it.  I'm leaving you." And he did.

Lessons learned:  Any death in a family, especially either an unexpected death or a young person's death, is extremely disruptive and tragic.  People grieve in different ways.  Yet there are those that must blame.  I don't think we can predict how anyone, even ourselves, will grieve.  It is not easy.  Yet the couple who tries to understand and cope together will grow stronger in their relationship.

Outcome #1:  Pierce never gave Lucille a chance.  She developed cancer and died several years later.  I went to the funeral.  Pierce acted like the loving husband.  I felt like socking him for all Lucille's suffering but restrained myself!

Outcome #2:  After a year of living by himself and sending Amanda 'hate' e-mails plus intimidating her through stalking, Jerry told her, "I'd like to talk with you.  I promise to be nice."  After several more months, Jerry asked to return to their marriage and apologized, "I'm really sorry about hurting you."  Their marriage is still intact and they are happy once again.

Don't you just love happy endings!

Lord God, you give life and you take life, all in your plans.  We pray we will return to you and all our other relatives and friends who have preceded us in death.  Help us realize that after we die, we will be more ALIVE then we ever were on earth!!

Connections Growing Cold?

Situation:  All during their dating and the first few years of their marriage, Franchesca and Tom had a sizzling hot, exciting relationship.  They never had sex before marriage, that wasn't the 'sizzle,' but the unspoken knowledge that each really wanted to, contributed to the excitement.  Together, they discovered new places to go, new things that would interest them together.  After the babies came, all three of them, the fun changed into watching the new little people grow into precious children, all somehow different from them and each other, but unmistakably theirs.

The two young lovers found they were devoting most of their time and energy into their family and very little into their own couple relationship. Franchesca felt that she looked like a 'blob,' no longer took time to go to the gym and workout like she used to do.  She didn't really want Tom to see her like that.  For his part, Tom felt the pressure of needing more money for the children, house, his hobbies, etc., and tried to work more.  The love was still there between Franchesca and Tom, but it seemed to be put on a shelf for more important things in life.

Lessons learned:  Marriage licenses ought to come with a Quick-Start Manual: Installation, Trouble-shooting, Parts, etc!  Marriage could grow into a wonderful, warm, closeness, an understanding of mutual goals, a true communion of hearts.  But it won't happen unless both parties are committed to trying, loving, forgiving, working, giving space, both giving 100%!  Friendships grow like this, also.  Movement is the law of nature, the universe, and relationships.  You can't tread water forever - you will sink or you must swim.  If you're not growing, you will stagnate, deteriorate, and eventually die.

Face it, sometimes we all come to "Get A Grip!" time!  We realize that something is our lives is not going the way we wanted, the way we envisioned.  We may talk with another, we may pray, then we decide to Take Action!  What will it take to get back on track?  How long will it take?  Will we need help?

Watching the children scuffle and play one day, Franchesca had her "Get A Grip!" moment.  How did they sink so far into suburban boredom?  She decided to make a list of what she could do: #1: Body Recall!  Gym work-outs were too costly, she would buy an exercise video to get that body back into shape at home.  #2:  Cut down on restaurant food.  Instead of driving through the take-out windows for dinner the days she picked up her daughter from dancing classes, she would plan ahead and have something waiting at home.  They would save money.  #3:  Couple Time!  Ask her mom or a nearby teenager to babysit while she and Tom went out, just for fun.  #4: Talk it over with Tom: could he cut down on the expensive golfing?  They could work together to stretch their income farther.

Outcome:  This took place many years ago.  The three children have all graduated from college and are creating their own paths in the world, in different parts of the country.  Franchesca and Tom enjoy a beautiful union of spirits. As they pilot their new camper around to visit the 'kids,' they smile, laugh, plan new places to go and new things to do.  Once they got on track, they never deviated.

Lord, we praise you for the examples of the wonderful long-married couples who have achieved a lifetime of togetherness!  Help us in all our relationships, help us grow closer, especially to you!

God II

Situation:  Kelly was an important guy, he thought, very self-confident, actually knew what was the best thing for everyone in his family, his friends, his office, sports teams, even the President. He was not happy when anyone dared to 'cross' him, doing what was, in his inflated opinion, the 'wrong' thing to do, or something downright stupid. 

Kelly's brother, Sam, was a different sort of man, very easy-going, and committed the sin, directly against Kelly, or so he thought, of keeping whiskey in his house.  Sam even went so far as to permit his wife to make beer!  This was much too much for Kelly to bear.  Their father and mother, when they were alive, were both alcoholics, and Kelly, being the oldest child, knew how devastating their addiction had been to the family.  Kelly decided years ago: no one should have a drop of alcohol in his house.  Kelly didn't understand why his brother was so stupid.  Kelly never wanted to see Sam again.

Being the man of his house, Kelly had strict control of all decisions, I mean, ALL DECISIONS.  Where the family went, what the family bought, especially what TV shows the family watched, Kelly knew what was best.  This worked in his young family for several years because his wife really didn't care much about TV.  She agreed that too much TV was bad for preschoolers, sort of thought that restricting them to one hour of TV per day was a bit severe, but went along with Kelly.  She wondered that Kelly could watch so much TV in his spare time, every sport known to humanity, and all the late-late shows.

One time, Kelly got mad at his wife, Jane, when he found out that the vanilla extract Jane used to make cake and cookies actually contained alcohol.  Jane got mad, too, at Kelly's stupidity.  "Kelly, the alcohol evaporates when it's heated!  I won't stop using vanilla!  This is ridiculous!"  Kelly lost that argument, for the first time, in the family. 

The mellow and long-suffering Jane was getting tired of Kelly's tyranny.  She had to practically beg for money from him for the slightest thing she needed.  But that was a different matter.  She was tired of having to give in to Kelly for all decisions.  She complained, "Kelly, you make every decision.  That's not right.  I ought to be able to decide a few things."  Kelly told her, sarcastically, "OK, if that's the way you want it, you decide which pictures we'll get printed."  Kelly took a lot of photos of the family.  Jane made the decision - once.  

It just took too much energy for her to face the mountain of Kelly's anger.  Jane thought to herself, "Kelly thinks he's God, that he knows everything.  That couldn't be true.  God really knows everything.  Funny thing is, God and Kelly know two different things!  I think that Kelly would control our thoughts, if he could!"

Lessons learned:  It's not right for one individual to attempt to control anyone else.  In a marriage, there has to be a partnership, based on mutual respect.  One person is not the 'boss' of the other.  It is also not right for one person to allow the other person to control the family.

The children of alcoholic parents, even when only one parent is an alcoholic, always seem to have their own problems.  They may be over-responsible = controlling, or they may be substance abusers themselves.  Before you commit to a relationship with a child from an alcoholic family, learn how the person acts.  Can you live with this forever?

Outcome:  When the kids got older, sometimes they wanted to watch other TV shows than the one hour allotted of PBS-TV shows.  Once, when they had surreptitiously turned on another show, their dad came home and they didn't notice.  He positively ripped them apart verbally.  Eventually, Jane gathered the strength to leave Kelly.  He never, ever understood why, thought she was just an evil woman who wanted a big career.

Sam and his wife definitely were not alcoholics.  They enjoyed a drink or two with their friends every couple of months.

One by one, Kelly never saw any of his friends.  And he never wondered why.

Dear Lord, there are all kinds of people in this world, some friendly and easy-going, others nasty and mean, with everyone else having a little bit of both behaviors.  Please help us act kindly and with strength, for love of You!

What Value is Religion?

In the days of the 1950's and before, practicing your religion was extremely easy because nearly everyone did - at work, in the neighborhood, everywhere.  Stores were closed on Sundays.  Families had dinner together each and every evening.  The 'culture' of the United States was predominantly Christian.  All TV shows and movies were wholesome in content.  Billboards were respectful of families.

 Now in 2014 our culture has morphed into something almost unrecognizable from that of the past.  Judging from most of the media, we are a atheistic, hedonistic, humanistic society.  The religion of Christianity has been largely replaced by the religion of Humanism.  So now, instead of worshiping God, our creator, many worship themselves.

Yet there is a smaller, more intent Christian presence in America.  We won't give up!  There is much hope here and I think it's due to more of the young people - teens and young adults - gathering responsibility to themselves and saying, "Enough!"  Many are remaining virgins until marriage. Many are working in the pro-life movement.

Religion is what civilizes humanity.  We need to focus on the Ultimate Supreme Being, God, worthy of our adoration.  We have to go, in person, to our church, for formal worship.  We need to witness to others.  We need to follow the church rules, or 'commandments.'  This is the only thing that will bring us PEACE, in ourselves, in our families, in our communities, and in our country.

In this 'me first' culture of ours, church participation is the hope for keeping a marriage and family together.  Without it, couples get overwhelmed, each trying to meet his or her own needs.  With it, we can put the other person first; both benefit.

Today, the 2nd Sunday of Lent, is celebrated the Transfiguration of Jesus, when he took Peter, James, and John up to Mount Tabor and was 'transfigured,' appearing as bright as the sun, as he will look in heaven.  This is one of my favorite feasts.  I want to find a print depicting this and put it on a wall in my home so I can think about it.  I look forward to what the priest will say in his homily at Mass today.

At 7:30 this morning, I did something I've been avoiding for years: watched and prayed the rosary on EWTN-TV.  The few minutes I had seen it before, it just seemed so slow.  I made myself 'settle down' and listen and pray.  It was wonderful!  I was able to follow it and totally, 100% enjoyed watching the scenes from different sites and churches in Jerusalem.  It was exciting to know that I had been to each and every one of those places last fall!  Oh, you must make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem some day!  Make it a priority!

Yes, it might be much easier to just sleep all morning and avoid church.  But what you get out of church attendance is a trillion times more valuable than the few minutes it takes to get up and get moving!  Part of the fruits of church is a relationship with God, the other part is community, meeting new people, maintaining old friendships, giving of yourself to help others.  Invaluable!  And the stuff of what holds families together!

Now in 2014, this requires conscious thought, a choice.  What will you choose?

Lord of us all, it is harder for many to accept you as their Savior.  Melt their hearts, Lord, melt our hearts, Lord.  Help us to begin to love you and each other as you love us!

The Rich Woman and the Hair Dryer

Situation:  Samantha was the 'rich woman' in my circle of neighborhood friends.  All of our husbands worked hard at earning a living but Samantha's husband was a 'bigshot' who earned a lot more.  And Samantha very much wanted us to be jealous.

Samantha was drying her hair one day and the hair dryer just quit.  Now most of us would think that it just got too hot and automatically cut off or perhaps the power went out.  Samantha didn't think - she just yanked the hair dryer out of the plug and threw it on the floor and broke it!  Then she got a new hair dryer.

The rest of us didn't say anything to Samantha after she told us that because we knew: Samantha was the 'spoiled' one, Samantha bought whatever she wanted, and Samantha was very wasteful.  Looking back at what happened many years ago, I would like to add: Samantha had no patience!

Lessons learned:  This small incident is a reminder that patience is a character quality that would serve us all well to develop.  If we have a 'trigger' personality, and just react to every event in our lives without some thought, we will have a very hard life.

What can we do to develop patience?  We need to believe that we're not the center of the universe, that everyone else is equally as important as we are.  We need to know that hardly ever is anyone purposely trying to aggravate us. As a matter of fact, most of us have to try very hard just to deal with our own problems that we don't have time to think up ways to hurt anyone else.

As for relationships, it is the 'mellow,' considerate, patient people who will be stable in our lives.  If you encounter anyone with a 'trigger' level of impatience and anger, steer clear!

Outcome:  I moved, Samantha moved.  We've lost track of each other.

Lord God, we pray that you will help us develop patience, kindness, and love.  We can always be better than we are now!

One Teenager, Two Years

Her name was Belle, she lived in southern Tennessee.  In 1913, at age 18, she married Reuben, age 49.  Reuben had previously been married and had other children.  Belle and Reuben had one baby, Reuben, within 16 months. In 1916, Belle left Reuben, her husband, and Reuben, their two-year old child. Belle was my grandmother.  She went on to be married four more times.  I saw her perhaps three times in my life when I was a child. Belle died in 1967 or 1968. Reuben was her only child.

Grandpa Reuben ran a small grocery store and taught school.  Dad said he would ride behind him on a horse going to school every day.  Grandpa Reuben died in 1933 when my Dad was 18 years old.  Dad said that his half-sister, Mildred, 'raised him.'  Dad also said that, "I stayed in my senior year in high school for two years because there was nuthin' else to do."

Here's the family Grandpa Reuben never knew: Dad married my mother, Adeline, in 1941.  They had 4 children, me and my 3 brothers, Grandpa Reuben's grandchildren.  We have/had a total of 5 spouses.  Together, we have/had a total of 18 children, Grandpa Reuben's great-grandchildren, my children, nieces and nephews.  Grandpa Reuben now has 18 great-great-grandchildren, the grandchildren of myself and my brothers.  (I'm not counting their spouses.)  None of these have married or have children, so far.  Added together, these family members number 47!  Isn't that awesome, 47 people from the marriage of one teenager and a much older man!  We'll have a lot of catching up to do when we get to the great reunion party in Heaven, God willing!

Since I've joined ancestry.com this past March 3rd, and began my search of relatives, I'm finding out so much I never knew, and, indeed, my parents never knew.  So far, I have copies of Grandpa Reuben's marriage certificate and death certificate.  My Grandmother Belle had sisters and brothers.  I feel like a kid in the biggest ice cream shop on earth!  Where will I go next?

There are many blessings in all this, and many lessons we can learn.  1) Families are very, very interesting!  2) Each and every family member is important!  3) Passing on the medical history of the various family members will help the living members. (Grandpa Reuben's death certificate said Cause of Death was "Cardiac Asthma."  My Dad Reuben developed asthma in his later years and died of pneumonia.) 4) Families develop strengths and weaknesses.  We need to champion our family's strengths!

What do you know about your 'people?'

Oh, Lord, today I thank you for the ability to research my elders.  Help me continue through many more generations to discover the various places we have been planted and the various talents we have grown! Thank you for having me as your child!

Growth or Stagnation??

Situation:  Bennie is an older man, single, whom you would call "square," or "a cold fish" by any stretch of the imagination.  He sort of wants to date, even asked a woman out once a few years ago but then cancelled.  All of his clothes are at least 20 years old.  Bennie has few needs, lives in a cheap apartment, the same place for many years which has never been repainted.  He earns a great salary, has a fairly new fancy car but has few other 'pleasures.'  Bennie mostly keeps to himself and likes it that way.  So does Bennie have a problem or not?

If you consider that Bennie pretends he has lots of friends to his co-workers when he really does not, perhaps Bennie is living in a fantasy world of his own making.  Over the years, various people have tried to reach out to him but he is a closed book.  Bennie finds new situations, new people, new tasks, in short, ANYTHING NEW, to be distasteful.  He doesn't want to change a thing.  Whenever his office has new things he must learn, Bennie is extremely resentful and lets the world know, "What was wrong with the old way?  'They' just want to change things so 'they' keep their jobs.  'It' isn't fair!"

This "chip-on-the-shoulder," superior attitude really repels his co-workers, most of whom kind of treat Bennie like an invisible person.  Bennie is good at his job but has always taken his lunch out to his car to eat.  Bennie has never sought a management position because, "they're all babies.  I don't want to babysit."  If there's one person that could live on a desert island forever by himself, it's probably Bennie.

Lessons learned:  Bennie is the type of person like a dish left in the refrigerator and forgotten for three weeks: it has stagnated!  The Solo people are terrified of growth in any area in their lives.  They push away the very people they need without even trying to get along with them.  They are exhausting to manage, a source of endless petty complaints about co-workers.  They can also be the butt of jokes from callous people.  Is there anything anyone can do about the 'Bennies' of this world?  In a word, NO!  Personal growth involves learning new habits, new ways of doing things, new ways of interacting, a bit of studying at times, a bit of risk.  No one can 'make' another person grow if he or she refuses.  So, we leave them alone.  Do you know anyone like Bennie?

Outcome: several times over the years, they say, management tried to fire Bennie and several times they've tried to get him to retire.  But Bennie is smart and knows how to threaten with the union.  Guess he'll be in the same job till???

Dear Lord, we know that we would like to love everyone in your world, but some folks won't co-operate.  Help us just know that you love the Solo people, too, as you love us all!

The Ordinary Guy

Situation:  Damon was a most ordinary guy whom you would never notice in a crowd.  He was slightly short, slightly chubby, and half bald.  He was divorced, in his mid-forties, and ready to date again.  Damon had gone to his church's singles 'mixers' and was totally discouraged.  He said that some of the women wouldn't even dance with him.

I chuckled and told Damon, "Look, Damon, don't give up.  I predict you will be married long before my college-age daughters.  You are decent, kind, clean, intelligent, hard-working, plus you have a good job.  You won't have any problems.  Just hang in there. I know because your generation isn't afraid of commitments."

Lessons learned:  In dating, no matter what our ages are, we need to be patient.  The reality is that men have fewer problems dating.  But women can't give up hope!

Outcome:  This prediction turned out to come true.  The following year, I attended Damon's wedding to Erin, a lovely woman in the same situation as he was, in the same church's singles mixer group.  That was over 20 years ago and they are still married.

Help us learn patience, Lord, we pray, in all our endeavors!

Games #2: "Poor Little Me"

Situation: Erika complained endlessly to her co-workers about her husband, Marlon.  We all liked Erika but really didn't have time to listen to her long list of complaints.  We wondered if her husband ever did anything to her satisfaction. Erika always had a sad look on her face, was rather quiet with the patients on our nursing unit, never engaging them in much small talk as she worked with them.

The rest of us thought we should be responsible nurses and privately ask Erika if Marlon ever abused her in any way.  She said, "No, Marlon is just so incompetent, lazy, and generally boring that it really aggravates me."  At least, we knew what her problem was.  Marlon also worked in the hospital and was well-liked by most people.  We felt sorry for him!

Erika also complained about her health, her mother-in-law, her children, the bosses, the weather, having to do extra at home for holidays, in short, anything and everything.  We never once heard a positive statement from her.  I think she could have made mud out of sunshine!

Sometimes we would try to say something cheery to Erika but ultimately gave up.  I don't think she was depressed, I just feel she was a person with a negative outlook on life.  I believe this person would have sucked the very life out of all of us except that: we were really busy and we usually ignored the woman.

Lessons learned:  A "Game" is a way of behaving that is predictable and has a payoff for the person playing it.  In Erika's case, her payoff was that we never asked her to do anything extra to help because she was so sour.

Outcome:  Erika transferred to another unit before the end of the year.  No one really missed her, sad to say.  After she was gone, someone realized, "We never gave her a going-away party the way we usually do."  Guess it never occurred to us.  Then we lost track of her.

Dear Lord, deliver us from sour people.  Help us treat them nicely, even if we don't want to do so!

Research Helps Us ALL!

Research: a studious inquiry or examination aimed at the discovery and interpretation of new knowledge.

When I was a nursing student, we had to take one course in Research Methods my final semester before graduation.  I loved it!!!  I planned eventually to earn a Master's Degree so I could be involved in formal nursing research but it never happened.  However, while working at my last hospital, I participated in a research study on my days off; this involved another course on research methods.  I loved it!  Even though I may not know the results of the very complicated, expensive, multi-national study on sepsis in acute kidney failure for another three years, I feel honored to have taken a very small part in what may prove to be critical new knowledge which will save lives.

Today, I started participation in a research study at our local university hospital.  It involves older women, our health, and our activities.  It promises to be very interesting.

In this relationship blog, I'm doing a different kind of research, on human personality.  Here's my theory: in all persons, there are characteristics which predict whether or not a particular individual can form a loving, permanent relationship, compatible with another particular individual. Why do I want to do this?  "This is a serious quest to spare everyone I encounter the wrenching PAIN of tragic, twisted relationships.  But the bonus is learning how to find the wonderful, solid and reliable, interesting people who will truly CARE about you!" (from my first blog entry, Monday, May 20, 2013, "Why start a Relationship Blog?"

What are my qualifications? "Thirteen years ago when I was between jobs I started writing a book for my children and grandchildren.  Now I want to finish it and I need your help.  Over my life many friends have come and gone and I've kept the best.  I've worked as a psychiatric nurse and counseled patients.  I've studied many books on understanding people and gone to workshops.  Then I created a new approach to sorting out compatible people from those who crush others and I want to share it.  I've conversed with many folks about their failed relationships and learned what works, what doesn't, who to avoid, contacts to nourish." (from same blog entry).

What do I invite YOU to do?: 1) Offer your opinion about the various blog topics, inject experiences of your own, both sad and good.  2) Ask others you know who have suffered through painful relationships and even happy ones, to look at the blog and contribute also.

*It's easy to comment, just go to the lower 'comments' section.  It is set up that comments go first directly to my e-mail inbox for approval (or not).  The comments are then visible if I 'publish' them.  I have never had to skip a comment for inappropriate language, etc.  You are anonymous and you don't have to 'join' anything.  There is no way either I or anyone else can connect to you through this blog.

*As I mention in my first blog entry, "One important guideline to start our exploring: we can't hurt anyone by giving real names or other identification when presenting our difficult relationships.  We don't want real people reading this, recognizing themselves and being hurt.  Since we're searching for happiness, those good feelings won't be built by squashing others!"

Lord God, I ask you tonight to give all my readers a few minutes to jot down some quick thoughts now and then in the 'comments' section.  Thank you!

The Sisterhood

Long ago, without thinking, I told my dear mother, "I wish I had a sister!"  She quipped, "Oh, well, I tried."  I have three younger brothers.

Have you ever noticed that at most family get-togethers and parties in general, the women tend to group together and the men do the same, in separate areas?  There's good reasons for this: the sexes share attitudes and many experiences common to each one.

My female family and friends have been, in many ways, the backbone of my life as I hope I have helped support them, through the good times and the bad times.  We are not only compassionate listeners, we provide a springboard for new ideas.  Our confidantes are never judgmental, we can count on it.  We respect that if they are busy, we can call them again or they'll call back as soon as they can.  We never overtly solve each others' problems but we provide options at stressful and emotional times that we have not even thought of in the heat of the situation.  A sisterly hug will soothe a broken heart or a troubled soul.

Perhaps the highest 'level' of sisterhood are Faith Sisters, those who share our Christian faith and meet frequently.  We can truly 'connect' when we speak with our sisters about our joys and sorrows.

This past weekend, for a day and a half, I've been blessed to participate in a Women's Retreat at my church.  I had no idea of what to expect.  A 'retreat' is a time apart from your ordinary busy life to go to a special place, pray, read, get inspired and re-energized about one's faith and one life.  It is suggested that a person 'make' a retreat at times of life in which important transitions are happening, such as when getting married, being widowed, or any life circumstance that is radically changing.

There are private retreats, group retreats, 'couple' retreats, and 'themed' retreats.  Although I've often wished I could take part in a retreat at various times in my life, I've had the privilege only once, when I was about to be married, half a century ago (no kidding!).  It was an individual retreat, I went to a convent where, several times a day, a priest gave us several lectures on marriage.  The rest of the weekend, we were free to read and pray, even walk around the grounds.  We had individual rooms for sleeping and went to a common dining room for meals, in silence.  I thought it was very useful, spiritually.

At church this weekend, we experienced a group retreat for women.  There were different themes centering around Scripture and Discipleship.  More than 40 women participated.  Overnight, we slept on cots in several rooms in the basement of the church.  I awoke one time and there was perfect silence and stillness, much to my surprise.  We were served really great meals and enjoyed each other's companionship.  I knew some of the ladies and got to know many more. I will treasure this retreat forever!

There is also the Brotherhood of men.  Men need friends, especially those of their own faith.

Viva the Sisterhood!  Praise you, Lord, for all my sisters, help us continue all our special relationships!

Detoxing

On our Behavioral Medicine Unit in the hospital, we were aware that some of the hard-core drug users came to us not to be cured, but to cut down on the quantity of drugs needed to get the 'highs' they sought.  Sure, they professed that they wanted to be 'free' of the habits that were destroying them physically, emotionally, spiritually, and legally.  A few months later they came back with the same 'song and dance.'  What could we do?  We hoped that, this time, they really meant it!

The persistent drug users knew that in our hospital unit, we could monitor their withdrawal symptoms, give them the sedatives they needed, and that they would be safe.  After several weeks, these patients would feel better than they had for months.  Their minds were clear, they were awake, and their bodies were free of the drugs.  The left with a plan on how to stay drug-free.

The Christian Season of LENT is similar to this: Lent is a Spiritual Detox.  You've probably heard of Lent, but if you don't know what it means, "Lent" is the 6-1/2 week period before Easter Sunday, the great celebration of Jesus Christ's Rising from the Dead, the Resurrection."  It is a time of Penitence, sorrow for our sins which are offenses against God and each other, the wrong things we have done that we regret.

Lent begins with Ash Wednesday, the day we try to attend Mass and receive the mark of ashes on our foreheads to remind us, "You are dust, and to dust, you will return," a most sobering thought.  Ash Wednesday 2014 was this past week, March 5th.

We are encouraged to take this time, once a year, to work on our worst bad habits, use self-discipline to purposely give up things we enjoy, to cleanse ourselves of spiritually destructive practices.  Fifty years ago, Lent was regimented.  Adults were expected to fast the entire season of Lent (except Sundays) and to abstain from meat on all Fridays of the year.  This was accomplished, not easily, but since so many were doing the same thing, it was easier.  There were no decisions to be made.  This is just what we did.  The Church had encouraged the Lenten dietary laws for probably at least five centuries previously, maybe longer.  But then, the church was more 'patriarchal,' in that, people were comfortable letting their pastor make the spiritual decisions for them; they tried to follow this faithfully.

FYI: Fast means to have only one full meal per day, two lesser meals, with no eating between meals.  Abstain means to not eat meat or anything such as soups or gravies which contains meat.

Along came The Church Council of Vatican II and the wild, liberal years of the 1960's.  The church discovered that people were more educated, more capable of making their own decisions, that the 'one size fits all' mentality didn't really fit all of us, spiritually.  The dietary laws were relaxed; now we will fast on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday (the last Friday of Lent when we remember Jesus' crucifixion, death on the cross for our sins).  We will abstain from meat on Ash Wednesday and the Fridays of Lent.  The church also realized that since fish was available nearly everywhere, it was no sacrifice to abstain from meat anymore for most people.  We were to substitute our own sacrifices instead of abstaining from meat.

The "Spiritual Detox" is Lent is immensely helpful, in many ways, I have found.  The decision to give up particular things we enjoy certainly makes us stronger, and, in the end, helps strengthen us to choose wisely in all areas.  For example, I used to be 'addicted' to playing computer card games every day.  There is nothing wrong with playing these games, unless it takes so much time you could be using for better activities.  So, I gave it up for Lent!  No daily sessions playing games. At first, I didn't think I could go a whole day without the familiar 'racing the clock' to see how high a score I could get.  By the end of Lent, when Easter came, I wasn't all that interested in the games.  I could 'take it or leave it' where the games were concerned.

One year I gave up cake, cookies, and baked goodies.  I wanted to make sure that this was not an effort to lose weight, but a sacrifice.  By the grace of God, I managed to do this for the entire Lenten season.  I'm here to tell you that Cake on Easter Sunday was immensely enjoyable, and far more tasty than before!

It's not merely a matter of giving up something you enjoy.  We need to substitute something more beneficial to us and others.  Since we have freed up more time in our days, we could call a person we know we need to comfort, volunteer for a worthy cause, find some good books for spiritual reading, etc.  This is a very individual matter and choice.

Best of all would be if we could directly confront a fault in ourselves and cultivate the opposite virtue, a habit of excellence.  For example, we may be too judgmental, gossip needlessly, or talk too sharply to certain family members or co-workers.  We could vow that we would find good things to say about the person, talk kindly, never be critical, and go out of our way to be helpful to a person that aggravates.  This would be harder but ultimately more spiritually valuable to us.

Let's don't just drift, let's don't just have good intentions and let them fall away.  Let's make a plan, a written plan, of one or two major things we'd like to change about ourselves, and one or two things we plan to do to change those faults into strengths!  Let's try a genuine Spiritual Detox this Lent!

We know that God will help us in all the good we hope to accomplish, especially when we try to improve ourselves! We just have to ask Him, to pray!

Reasons to Marry, #5: Prestige

One of the top reasons to marry is to gain "Prestige."  That could be either the prospective husband or the wife who is seeking to climb up the social ladder.  Years ago when living in a small Kentucky town I heard about one of our city official's family.  The wife had been previously married to a nice, hard-working, likeable but blue collar man.  "Penny" divorced husband #1 because he had no chance for advancement to the lifestyle she saw for herself.  Husband #2 had political aspirations; Penny liked that, and saw herself as a future Senator or Governor or maybe even the President's wife.  Her new husband eventually won one election as a local official, but that was what Penny wanted: to think herself better than her family and most of the people in town.  I never met her but I knew who she was.  I just wonder if her new life was worth throwing away her first husband.  What do you think?  Is Prestige a good reason to marry?

Dear Lord in Heaven, help us choose our friends and spouses wisely!

The Mysterious Fog

This morning I opened my window curtains to a soft world of fog and mist.  I was glad of it, for the fog hid the two-day-old deep snowfall and its vehicular slashes into the icy roads.  Veiled by the fog, my neighborhood no longer appeared with half-snow and half-winter-grayness.  It was lovely, a mystery: what were the pin-prick lights peeping through the cloud?  street lights? cars? homes?

"Mysteriousness" was a quality promoted in and by women of the past, from before the 1930's into the 1940's and '50's.  "The Look" of a mature, sophisticated, adult woman radiated wholesomeness, experience, enough education and travel, strength and courage, simple beauty, but, most of all, "mystery."

"The Look" invited more - men knew there was a depth of character beneath the polished exterior.  Women respected themselves and, in turn, were respected and cherished by men.  Women were modest in dress and speech.  they not only looked like ladies, they were ladies, elegant, stately, yet fun and whimsical when the occasion called for it.

That a true gentleman of that era would be able to seduce a lady to "go too far" and end up having sex was unthinkable!  If he was such a dog, he could find a bad girl or find one to pay.  Ladies wanted nothing to do with dogs.  Ladies looked forward to a life of fulfillment with husband and children.  This life would be cut off by a reputation of "looseness" in morals.

"Mystery" doesn't tell all or reveal all.  "Mystery" projects that there is more, much more.  It radiates love and acceptance, and yes, desire (if appropriate!).

Far better that a man perceives "mystery" in a woman, that he does not yet know all and wants more.  Even though men crave sex, what they really yearn for is true, lasting love, just the same as women.  This communion of spouses can only hope to be achieved in the lasting commitment of marriage. Women of today would do well to adopt that quality of "MYSTERY!"


Lord, we pray, un-fog our brains to see that by following your rules, we will be the best and have the best in the way of loving relationships!

Past is Important!

Having just returned from a great visit down south (Please see "Winter Escape, days 1 through 30, January 30 through February 28, 2014" on my travel blog, www.rockingthruworld.blogspot.com, for an account) with friends and relatives, I've unpacked and have at last embarked one of my biggest goals: join ancestry.com to research my relatives!  I've planned on doing this for years - ever since I heard about the website - but wanted to be able to devote enough time to really 'dig' into our family's past history.  (Also see this blog, Wednesday, January 8, 2014, "The Glue of Tradition.")

In a short time this evening, I've found the marriage certificate of the grandfather I never met, my daddy's daddy.  When in Florida recently, my brother, Don, and I actually found two photos of him (see "Winter Escape, Day 24").  What a treasure!

I accidentally stumbled on a ship manifest from 1949.  I was returning with my mother, dad,  and two brothers from Bremerhaven, Germany, on the ship, "Henry Gibbins."  It was a troop carrier.  The seas were rough and weather dark and gloomy, as I recall.  It was October and we landed in New York City, New York.

If you are even mildly interested in your ancestors, I suggest you take the first step: talk to all the older folks in your family, take photos, write dates and names on the back of them.  Preserve the living present first!

My new favorite website, www.ancestry.com, is very easy to navigate and full of suggestions, with an easy way to map out your family tree.  When I get finished, I hope I have a "Family Forest!"

Actually, it occurred to me that I'm getting a jumpstart on meeting all these relatives of mine in heaven someday!  I believe in "The Communion of Saints," and look forward to the 'hereafter!'  What about you?

What Old Men Need

The young actress, Gina Lollobrigida, starred in a darling comedy years ago, "Woman of Straw."  She portrayed a beautiful young nurse who married the very old, very sick man she was nursing.  When he suddenly died, there were plenty of 'complications,' including her character getting blamed for his death.

Situation: Amos was 79 years old, a successful businessman, and recently widowed.  He had nursed his wife through 8 years of Alzheimer's Disease and was ready to move on.  He felt it was his turn to have someone take care of him.  Amos had been active in his church during the years before his wife got sick; that's where he chose to go on his 'wife search.'  Problem was, he was very blatant about what he wanted.  He would introduce himself to someone new, smile, and immediately declare, "I'm looking to get married again."

Older women joke about what older men want: a nurse or a purse!  Unwilling to be a nurse and not having much of a 'purse,' most older women could care less about getting married.  But then there are those widowed women who have a decent income from their deceased husbands but would lose it if they got married.  Most prefer the comfort of a good income to the love of (and potential having to care for) a good man.

Some older couples who like two incomes don't bother getting married and just live together like many of the younger generation are doing.  Then there are the 'dirty old men' and 'dirty old women' who just act like alley cats, date, and have sex with many people.  Perhaps they don't care about right or wrong; perhaps they don't know that HIV infection is increasing among elders.

But then I've known a few older couples who marry late and are genuinely happy.

Lessons learned: What difference could age make?: marry for love and nothing else! And, don't throw away love; you might not find it again.

Outcome:  Amos is still hunting.

Lord, show us how to love just like you love us, with our whole hearts!

Faith and Love

Situation:  The young Jaime had always put her love of her religion before everything else in her life.  She felt close to her Lord and had considered being a missionary to the poor and sick in India when she was in high school.  Her parents told her she needed to marry someone of her faith. One time she had a date with a young man of a different denomination, although she hardly knew anyone not of her faith.  She was bored with him and felt guilty but didn't tell her parents.

In college, one strictly of her own religion, she met Vincent, also a young college student of her same religion, and, in time, fell in love. Vincent went to every church service and activity that Jaime invited him to attend. Vincent gave her an engagement ring in her junior year and she was very proud of him. She felt confident that they would have a good marriage and have no problems raising the children she hoped to have, in their common faith.

The two married immediately after she graduated, moved to another state, and had two children.  To Jaime, their life seemed very good.  Every Sunday for several years, the young family attended church.  For reasons unknown to Jaime, Vincent stopped going to church.  He announced that "they're all hypocrites. I don't want to go anymore."

This was a real crisis to Jaime.  How could she raise the children in their faith if their dad didn't bother going with them to church?  Besides that, Vincent was increasingly cold and distant, not to mention unhappy and nasty.  It seemed nothing she did pleased him.

Lessons learned:  Some people grow up and find peace, joy, and comfort in the religion their parents have introduced to them.  Others never have attended a church in their youth.  Some people sample many faiths before choosing one.  Difficulties occur when husband and wife are both strong in different religions or when one is strong and the other doesn't care.  I have heard quite a few people say, "I feel so lonely in my religion.  My wife (or husband) will never come with me.  I always have to go alone."

There are several young couples of my acquaintance who are 'mixed' couples, one party a Christian, the other a non-Christian. I will wait to see how they handle things when their children are old enough to attend their churches.

Outcome:  As the years went on, Jaime tried to find out why Vincent suddenly lost faith.  The only thing she could figure out was that he never really was interested in church because he only went when she asked him.  If his faith meant much to him, he probably would have gone to other events and even invited her to come with him.  In the end, Vincent's meanness destroyed the family and despite the ban on divorce from their religion, they separated.

Our take-away:  If you are a person very strong in your religion, it would be wise to choose a mate who is similarly strong.  Remember what the Bible says, "Do not be unequally yoked."

Lord, on this Sunday, Your Day, help us be strong in the way we worship you.  Help us have friends and companions who encourage us.  Help us be good examples to others, we pray!

Guest Manners

Fresh from a month's worth of staying with a friend and relatives, I offer to you a true story and a few tips for making yourself into a guest who gets asked back again.

*True Story:  My daddy's mother, my Grandmother Hetty, visited our family only once.  I was 9 or 10 years old.  Grandmother Hetty's appearance was in stark contrast to my mother's mother, Grandma Marie, the only grandmother I ever knew.  Marie was plain and quite overweight, conservative in dress and demeanor, with salt-and-pepper gray hair, cut but never styled.  I never remembered her wearing make-up except perhaps lipstick on rare occasions.  Hetty was slim, had her hair dyed  dark red, wore lipstick and rouge, very stylish clothes, and a big fur coat.

Going 'downtown' with Grandma Marie was a way of life for me.  We always ate lunch and shopped at the best stores.  She always bought me something nice.  I went downtown with Grandma Hetty once.  I remember being so proud of her in her beautiful fur coat standing at a stoplight, waiting to cross Fourth Street with me.  I don't remember her buying me anything at all.

Living in Louisville, Kentucky, USA, my family, Grandma Marie and Grandpa Rob saw each other quite often.  When Grandma, who, as they say, could 'work circles around' any mortal, came to our house, she ruled.  We all worked and did what she said.  She was strictly no-nonsense.  You can imagine how clean our houses were!

When Grandmother Hetty came, my littlest brother, Don, moved in with brother, Steve, temporarily, and Grandmother stayed in his room.  The only image I have of her in our house was sitting up in Don's bed, reading comic books all day.  No kidding!  That is what she did.

My mother apparently despised Grandmother Hetty, I found out later, before she visited and despised her even more afterwards.  Poor women!  Mom said, "The least she could have done was to offer to help with the dishes!" Guess it never happened.

The only other times I saw Grandmother Hetty was when the family visited her in another state.  She was dying of cancer and bedridden.  (Grandmother Marie also died of cancer many years later.)

Some tips:  *It takes extra work to have a guest - making sure the house and sheets are clean, more cooking & shopping, not to mention the disruption in your normal routine.  Be a compatible guest!

*If you are a really picky eater, or have allergies, bring your own food.  You can't expect your host or hostess to be able to give you a separate menu.  It's good to eat what your host fixes, and be grateful.  At least once during your stay, offer to either cook for your host family or take them out to dinner.  Some families won't let you do this, but many families might have a smaller budget than you know.

*Go where your host offers to take you.  Especially in a different city, your host will know all the best places to have fun!  Be agreeable!

*Don't make a mess!  Keep what you've brought with you in your room mostly, or in your suitcase.

*Always offer to help with the dishes!  Some might allow you to help, some may ask you to help, and some would rather do it themselves.  But at least you've asked.

*Make your bed every day, after you get dressed.  Don't make extra work for your host.  Stay neat. And don't sleep all day!  If your host sleeps later than you do, be quiet!  When you're ready to leave, ask, "Would you like me to take the sheets off or just make the bed?" (Your host may want to wait till another day to wash the sheets.)

*Offer to pay for gas or use your car, if you have it with you, once in a while.  This is only common courtesy.

*When you get home, write your host and hostess a simple thank-you note, on paper, and mail it!  This is so rare these days, it will be very much appreciated!  It's really nice to send a small gift as a thank-you; be creative!

*The names of my elders have not been changed as they have all gone to their reward in heaven.

Visiting with friends and family can be so pleasant! Let's pray that we are the perfect, loving, helpful guests!

What have I forgotten?