The Man Who Was Given Away

Situation:  Lily and Thomas were young marrieds with children.  They seemed to be the perfect couple, extremely active in church and community.  They were very outgoing and usually ended up being the chairpersons of whatever committee one or both of them joined.  Their church was popular and large; the youth minister, Fred, a young gentleman, was unmarried,  and a special friend of Lily and Thomas.  Most days of the week, Fred would eat with the family, and sometimes even slept in one of their children's beds while the child slept on the floor elsewhere.

This went on for several years; all involved seemed to be happy.  The crack in the perfect window came when Thomas seemed to be having an affair with another church woman, Kay, who happened to be one of Lily's best friends.  They weren't really having an adulterous affair, it just looked like they were together so much, they 'must be' having an affair. One day, Lily and Kay had a rare private moment together.  Lily talked and talked about Fred, how wonderful he was, and all of a sudden, Kay knew: Lily was in love with Fred!  Lily also mentioned what a 'ungrateful dog' Thomas was, and that, "if you really like him that much, take him."

Kay was sorely tempted to do just that, but she also was married, with children.

Lessons learned:  What would you call this 'mess' - a 'fivesome?'  Married men and women have to guard their relationships very carefully.  Lily knew her feelings for Fred were not good for her marriage.  Thomas, in his loneliness, flirted with every woman he encountered.  No one knew how sad and lonely Kay was, in her marriage.  That was a bad combination.

Outcome:  From then on, Kay knew to be on guard, and never be alone with either Thomas or Lily. Kay and Lily were polite to each other in church but never again friends. In time, Fred 'came out of the closet' as gay, was discredited in his ministry, and left the church.  Thomas' job was transferred to another city, Lily and the children moved with him.  Very few church members heard from them after that.  

Putting on the Brakes

Background:  For a number of years as a nurse, I worked with Alzheimer's patients.  What difficult, tragic lives they lead!  One personality trait they develop as their disease progresses is the Inability to Restrain Themselves Mentally, or inability to 'put on the brakes.'  In other words, they say just what's in their minds at the time. They also act on whatever is in their minds at the moment. This usually gets them in trouble with others.  But they can't help it.

Now what about our present American culture of sexual permissiveness?  It would appear that many adults have forgot about their 'mental brakes!'  Many of our TV shows, movies, magazines, and popular songs depict everyone who is married cheating on their spouses, promote the idea that all single people cavort from one partner to the next without end, and advertise women not only in 'suggestive' clothing but in many cases, bare, lewd, clothing. They all have given America a truly bad image.  No wonder foreigners think we are depraved!  Many of us are depraved!!  Even worse than that is the education our children are receiving in all this.  Just like falling in a mud puddle, if you are immersed in a 'dirty' culture, you can't help but get muddy!

Where is this heading: confident that adults are fully 'liberated,' now the groups feel children have the right to sex.  No kidding!

Situation:  Yuri came to New York City from an Eastern European country at age 18 to get his education here.  Very soon, he met a woman who wanted to have sex.  The woman quickly became pregnant.  He was shocked!  Then he quickly found out that he would have to support the child for 18 years.  He was honorable, he did the right thing.  In addition to his schooling, he worked full-time so he could take care of the child.  Yuri did eventually become a U.S. citizen. Looking back, Yuri said, "When I came to America, I thought everyone was 'doing it.'

Lessons learned:  It's really not enough just to try to be a good, moral person!  My Bible reading yesterday said, "By their fruits you shall know them."  We are expected to try to make things 'right.'  For some of us, that may be only in the Voting Booth. We need to elect courageous, morally strong officials.

Years ago, I was asked to canvass my long street, door-to-door, to encourage voters to vote for a miniscule library tax, which I supported.  I was given a print-out of registered voters.  What a revelation!  Those of my neighbors who did the most complaining about laws and government weren't even registered to vote!

I don't hold myself up as an example for much, but I am passionate about voting!  Since I could vote at age 18, I haven't missed a single election, even the primaries.  When Daughter #3 was born, she and I were discharged from the hospital and I went directly to the Precinct before going home.  Also, be informed.  My Daddy told me to 'vote Democrat' but I try to find out about all the candidates and vote for the best, or sometimes, for the 'least worse.'

Really, voting is like our nursing instructor telling us about excuses for missing her tests, "The only excuse is death: yours!"

My worst enemy put me down one time by telling me, "Why do you even bother to vote?  You and I always vote opposite and our votes cancel out."  I thought about that for a long time.  But my vote actually is worth more than my enemy's because I've belonged to various political action groups over the years.  We 'spread the word!'

Outcome:  I'm still keeping up with Yuri.  He's a fine gentleman and will do all right!

What about the rest of us?  How can we 'bear fruit?"  Can we encourage others, especially our young people to 'put on their moral brakes?' 

Just One More Fool. . .

Situation:  Jenny was a lovely young woman in her early twenties.  She and her boyfriend, Howie, were expecting a baby.  They lived in a small house of Howie's.  Jenny has paid half the mortgage ever since she moved in with Howie.  Jenny was worried that after the baby was born, she would be unable to return to work due to the high cost of daycare; her job pays minimum wage.  Howie said, "No way can you quit your job; you have to do your share.

Lessons learned:  It is pure foolish to live with someone, pay half the mortgage without your name being on the deed also, in the hopes that 'someday' they'll decide to marry you.  It's happened so many times: someone decides to call it quits and the person who has been paying 'his or her half' gets nothing.  Years ago, banks wouldn't lend to a married couple unless both names were on the mortgage (although I did know one man who attempted to do it that way).  And they wouldn't lend at all to the rare couple who wasn't married. Banks also wouldn't let an unmarried couple get a joint checking account; it was too irresponsible, a bad risk.  Nowadays, banks don't care whose name is on the mortgage, as long as you're human, have a 'not too bad' credit rating, and a job.  If you default, oh well, the bank will take your equity - you lose, they win.  A situation like this could be a very, very expensive lesson to learn!

Besides the financial part of this situation, there is the child, of course, the most important party here, to consider.  A child deserves two parents, mom and dad, to nurture and care.  They need to be committed to each other, married!!  Please don't let yourself into a situation that may jeopardize a future child or children.  You both deserve more!

One time I witnessed a conversation between an elderly gentleman and a young woman. She was brash enough to tell him that she and her boyfriend were 'living together.'  The old man didn't understand.  He asked, "Why don't you just get married?  What are you afraid of?"  She replied, "We're afraid we'll get divorced."

Outcome:  Jenny and Howie have a new little girl.  Jenny returned to work.  The little girl is in daycare.  Jenny is not happy.

Am I being too hard on Jenny by considering her 'Just One More Fool?'  Perhaps I should have said, 'Just one more person who HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY.'  What do you think? 

Marrying the Family

Background: Mother-in-law jokes are stock for comedians and TV sit-coms.  My wise grandmother always told me, "When you marry somebody, you're marrying their family."  In a way, that is SO true, particularly if you live in the same town as your in-laws.

Situation:  Margie and Drew were college sweethearts, living at home and going to college in their home town.  Right from the start, Drew's mom did everything possible to keep them from dating.  Margie dreaded going over to Drew's house and only did so on holidays.  When Drew and Margie announced their engagement, Margie's mom was furious.  She told them, "Why don't you just live together for a while and let it wear off?"

Several years later, Margie and Drew had a lovely wedding.  Everyone worried about Drew's mom behaving herself at the wedding, but she did.

Lessons learned:  Drew's mom clearly overstepped her authority by trying to discourage her son's choice in wives.  All she earned from this display of hatred over several years was both her son and daughter-in-law's near total avoidance.  Now, when they have children, will Drew's mom be trusted to babysit?  Will she see them often?

Outcome:  After marriage, Drew and Margie moved far, far away.  It is very rare they see or even talk with Drew's mother.

In my limited experience, some of the mother-in-laws in the family have been wonderful and some have been horrid - interfering at every chance.  This is just another example of bullying.  Don't let anyone bully you!  Stand up to them; bullies are weak little people who are terrified of losing control.

What about you?  I haven't known of any interfering father-in-laws.  How do they stack up?

Friend, with Benefits

Situation:  Connie and Nick have been dating for 5 weeks.  She is 24 years old and he is 32.  They are established in their jobs.  Each has their own condo.  Nick asked Connie, "Why don't we move in together?  You know how much we love each other."  They are very much attracted to each other but have not had sex.  Connie remembers her previous experience, three years ago, living together with her last boyfriend, and what a disaster it was.  She will NOT repeat that experience.  It ruined her financially and made her depressed for months.  Besides, Connie has heard about the research that proves "serial co-habitors are much less likely to ever get married."  She would like to meet a wonderful, responsible man, get married, and have a family.  Connie immediately says, "No, I'm just not interested in that kind of relationship."

Figuring that Connie is either 1) playing hard to get or 2) doesn't want to share her apartment and doesn't like his, Nick then suggests, "Well, how about if we just be "friends, with benefits?"  Connie has heard this new term and knows exactly what it means: the guy expects to have sex whenever he wants with not even the pretense of 'love.'

Lessons learned:  It's best not to give your heart completely to another without finding out what type of person he or she is.  Anyone who wants sex before a commitment of marriage does not love you - at all!  Real love wants the best for the beloved.  Real love says, "This is forever."  Real love is not casual.  Why settle for an imitation?  You don't have to!

Outcome:  Connie firmly replied to Nick, "I'm really sorry you think I'm that kind of woman.  In my mind, it's really worse than being a prostitute!  I was hoping you were a gentleman who had both our interests at heart.  I'm really disappointed.  Just don't bother calling me again."  Nick didn't say anything and sulked away with his best 'hurt puppy' look.

The Remodeler

Situation:  Penny and Ron were married with a little girl, a toddler.  Penny had gained forty pounds with her pregnancy and was determined to not only lose the extra weight but take off a little more since she was slightly overweight when she got married.  It took a few months of the hard work of dieting and exercise, but Penny did it!  She was quite pleased with herself.

Actually, Penny was a full ten pounds underweight.  She had not weighed so little in her adult life.  But she enjoyed buying clothes in smaller sizes!  Ron was not at all pleased.  He told Penny, "You're still a little fat."  That word, "fat," is a terrible word to call someone.  Penny was not fat!

Soon, the couple was expecting their second child.  Penny again gained forty pounds.  This time, she was so busy, she forgot about her figure and dieting.  The weight stayed on and the years went by. Penny gained even more.  Ron kept reminding Penny about her weight.  She didn't appreciate this 'nagging,' but vowed that, sooner or later, she would work on it.

There were other things Ron didn't like about Penny's appearance.  He wanted her hair long and straight. He didn't think she should wear any make-up at all.  Penny didn't mind keeping her hair long but she couldn't bear to go without make-up.  Ron also wanted Penny to wear 'sexy' clothes with low-cut necklines and very short skirts.  She was too much of a lady to wear 'hooker' clothes in public.

One time, Ron told Penny, "Loose your weight and I'll take you anywhere."  This appealed to Penny because they never went anywhere on 'dates.'  Penny tried!  She would lose a few pounds then Ron would reward her by taking her out to a restaurant with a fabulous buffet.  Then she'd gain back the weight.  The pattern continued for several more years.

Lessons learned:  If you're in the middle of an aggravating situation, it's hard to see the pattern.  With this couple, did Ron really want Penny to look great?  He seemed to sabotage her efforts every single time.  Unless you've been a serial, yo-yo weight gainer and loser, you don't know how positively discouraging it is for someone to criticize your appearance.  Of course, you want to be slim and trim.  But the anxiety and sadness of someone badgering you makes you eat more to cope.

Outcome:  At last Penny saw Ron for what he was: a jerk who was unlikely to ever change.  She felt liberated!  She decided to stick to her diet and exercise routine and lost years of pounds and inches.  She was so happy to look great again, she felt, "It was SO worth it, I would have done it even if I had 10,000 pounds to lose!"   Did Ron take Penny places now?  NO.  And did Penny care?  NO.  She went wherever she pleased with her friends and enjoyed her new life.  Did Penny and Ron stay married?  Unfortunately, no.  Penny realized there had never been any love between them.

Baggage #4: Parent Love

Background:  On the Behavioral Medicine Unit in the hospital where I worked as a nurse, the great majority of our adult patients were suffering from severe depression.  Time and time again, as we proceeded through the 'talk therapy', or counseling, many of the patients mentioned some version of "My mother refuses to spend time with me," or "I haven't seen my father in XX years.  He just isn't interested," or "My mother put me down all my growing-up years and still continues to do so.  What can I do?"  Frequently, a patient just could not see through the pain. 

Situation:  Bernadette was 37 years old, hospitalized for a drug overdose, a suicide attempt.  Because of the drug detox, it took longer than usual to be able to stabilize Bernadette on anti-depressant medication.  Getting to the source of Bernadette's primary problem was difficult because she was a woman of few words.  One day she opened up and talked about her family.  "My mother thought she was a social butterfly.  We always had to have the latest in whatever - car, clothes, house decorations, everything.  We were the first to get a riding lawnmower, - you name it - in our neighborhood.  Mother was always going out with her friends or cleaning or ironing.  We had a lot of babysitters.  Mother would hire a babysitter so she could iron all afternoon.  We always looked beautiful when she took us somewhere or when we went to school.  Now that I'm grown, I'd like to get to know my mother but, no, she's always gone. She's either with her friends or shopping."

With a 37-year-old woman, you would think she would realize that 1) her mother never was emotionally available to her, and 2) the likelihood her mother ever would be available to her was practically non-existant.  This is what was causing her depression.  Bernadette reported feeling very, very sad for as long as she remembered. This is why psychological counseling is important and useful.

So then, what's a person do when he or she realizes, "my mother (or father) does not love me.  My mother (or father) never loved me."  They have to consider, "My mother (or father) is NOT CAPABLE of LOVE!"  This is the key to healing!  Your mother (or father) could not and can not give what they are incapable of giving.''

Now what?  Every one of us deserves to be loved by both of our parents.  If a person doesn't have love from a parent, he or she will have to 1) seek love from others, and 2) love themselves!  You MUST feel that you are a unique, valuable individual, created by God, and loved by God.

Some parents do love their children but seem unable to communicate that love.  This was my situation.  I never felt my parents loved me until I was in my mid-twenties.  Mom always had her own problem with depression and dad was in the military and gone most of the time.  When I had children of my own, my mother and dad had resolved their differences and mom and I talked about child-care.  We also got interested in sewing and crafts together.  Even though I always lived in distant cities after I married, I felt much love from them when we visited, or in letters or phone conversations.  This may be your situation. Or maybe you're fortunate in that your parents were very loving and capable of expressing it to you.  Praise the Lord!

Outcome:  Bernadette thought about the new information for several days and, I feel, had advanced considerably in her quest to heal and experience happiness.  This was always wonderful for the entire staff when our work helped someone feel better!

Baggage #3: Chronic or Current Illness

Background:  Just as we wouldn't want to carry around on our backs all our old clothes, shoes, pots and pans, and other possessions, there are problems we don't want hanging over our heads.  It might interfere with our happiness and our present relationships.  That's what is called "baggage."

Situation:  Karen is a delightful lady I've known for many years.  In her younger years, Karen worked hard at her business, raised her children, then came down with a chronic illness that has sapped all her finances, and, at times, nearly all her energy.  She has been hospitalized so many times that I fear each and every one 'might be her last time,' but she keeps on going.  "What else can I do?" she quips.

Most of the time, Karen will tell you what's going on with her treatment, if you ask, but she does not speak of it endlessly - and exclusively. Karen has a wonderful memory about what's going on in her friends' lives and is extremely good with phone calls, the one thing she can do.

Yet, there are others who, when you finish chatting with them, make you feel like you've just earned another credit toward your M.D. degree, the details of their illness are so many and so graphic.  I'm trying to be a good listener, but it's hard to bring myself to have a one-way conversation, on purpose.

While chronic illnesses are severely testing to the patient, the family, and friends, an illness from which a person is expected to recover is not as traumatic, because there is an end in sight.  We will help out the ill one and rejoice when he or she has recovered.

Lessons learned:  If you're sick with either a long-term or short-term illness, 'let it all hang out,' in other words, do your complaining, with your medical personnel.  Believe me, we understand.  And most of us have an endless supply of compassion, Praise the Lord!  We can take it!  Be kind to your family and friends.  They suffer with you, just because they love you! Have a really positive outlook, for their sakes, even if you have to pretend at times.

Outcome:  Karen is physically and mentally, a 'fighter.'  She will not give up!  She does everything the doctors, nurses, and therapists tell her do to do, with gusto.  This tenacity always helps her recover, go into remission, for a time.  I've seen this 'positive attitude' help so many patients.  If you give up and 'take to your bed,' the term the old novels mentioned, you will soon be in the grave.  If for no other reason, adopt a positive attitude for those who love you!

The Joker

Situation:  Murray is a middle-aged man who thinks he is very funny.  He's all the time poking barbs at everyone.  He considers himself witty and sophisticated but the rest of his co-workers think he's obnoxious and avoid him, if they can.  They actually hate to see him come in to work because he's so loud and angry he often disturbs the customers.  He puts down everyone, including his bosses.

One time, several of Murray's co-workers spoke to the boss about his behavior.  The boss sighed, "Oh, well, he said he's just loud and can't help it."  And that was that.

Lessons learned:  Sarcasm is veiled hatred.  I don't know how we can combat it in another person except not laugh at their 'jokes.'  (Amazing how the Jokers NEVER poke fun at themselves!)  Look for this pattern of behavior in those who might be your friend.  Sooner or later, YOU will be the object of their sarcasm.

Outcome:  Haven't seen Murray for a long time.

Foul-Weather Friends

Situation:  You've heard of 'fair-weather friends,' right?  They're the kind of friends who are happy to be with you if you've got a job, good health, fine house and car, and make no demands on them.  Have a tiny little problem and the fair-weather friend makes a hasty exit.

This is an account of a 'foul-weather friend.'  Christina was a young mother with three preschool children and a fourth on the way.  She was happy in her life but - tired!  Christina met Gracie at a young homemakers meeting.  One of the first things Gracie said was, "You need help, don't you?"  Gracie was a tremendous help when the new baby was born, babysitting the older ones, bringing over food, and even giving a baby shower for Christina just before the baby came.

Both young mothers were overweight.  Gracie joined a group and quickly took off all her extra weight.  Christina just wasn't able to tackle this.  She couldn't afford to join a group and was hoping that Gracie would share some recipes or something.  Gracie would not share so much as a snippet.

The ladies got around to talking about how unhappy they were in their marriages.  After several more years of careful dieting and exercising, Christina took off all her extra weight and looked stunning.  She didn't talk about her marriage but Gracie kept bring up past hurts, "Remember when he. . ."  and "What about when he. . .?"  Gradually, Christina got the picture: Gracie was not happy unless her friend was unhappy!  Negative!  That's all she was!

Lessons learned:  Beware of both types of friends: the person who will be your friend only when things are going very well for you and also the person who will be your friend only when things are going badly for you.  They are really not friends!  Especially harmful to you is the foul-weather friend, the negative person who makes you unhappy and will bring you down.  Please surround yourself with positive, happy people.

Outcome:  Christina really didn't want to associate with Gracie any more, so she didn't!  They talked at meetings but Christina never went over to her house again.

Cut-Off Behavior

Situation:  Stephanie, an elderly widow, is the undisputed matriarch of the family.  In her children's growing-up years, she not only told them what to do and how to do it, she bullied her husband, too.  No one dared cross her!  Now that the children are adults, they listen respectfully, then go do what they think is best.  Stephanie is not happy.  How can she get the family to see how wise she has always been and that they need to do what she says?

Now that she's a Senior Citizen, there's only one thing she can hold over their heads since her bullying is no longer effective: receiving part of her last Will and Testament!  Stephanie's son, Ralph, ended up in the hospital for surgery.  It will take a minimum of six weeks for him to recover.  Stephanie told Ralph's son, Jeff, "Your father needs you. Quit your job and run the business for him."

Jeff weighs his grandmother's dictate: he is quite happy in his job, it pays decently, and his wife would be furious if he lost the job.  How else could he support the family?  He is sorry he can't help out his dad in this way but perhaps grandmother could find someone else that knows the business. Jeff tells his grandmother, "No, sorry, I can't quit my job.  I'm sure you can find someone else."  Grandmother screams at him, "How can you do this when your dad needs you!  I'm cutting you out of my will, Jeff!  And I never want to see you again!"

Lessons learned:  Although one adult can scream and attempt to bully other adults in doing what he or she wants, all adults have to make their own decisions.  It take GUTS to oppose someone who is unreasonable, especially if they are 'family.'  Let's vow to never be bullied!  (It goes without saying that we don't want to be the mean, nasty, bully!)

Outcome:  Grandmother found another man who was quite willing and able to take over Ralph's business for the short time during his recovery.  Grandmother never spoke to Jeff again, nor did Jeff care to speak to her.  Jeff was not in his Grandmother's Will, nor were any of her other grandchildren.  After Grandmother died, Ralph and his siblings sold Grandmother's house, each took several pieces of their favorite furniture of hers, told the grandchildren to take what they wanted of her personal possessions, then gave the rest to charity.  Everyone prays for the repose of Grandmother's soul!

This behavior, "If you don't do -----------, then I'll do ----------" is called "Cut-Off Behavior."  That's just a fancy name for bullying.  Sometimes behavior is passed down for many generations without anyone recognizing it.  Perhaps grandmother's mother also engaged in these antics.  We need to think if there are any dysfunctional patterns of behavior in our families of origin that we will NOT pass down to our children and spare them the suffering. . .

Two Married Single Men

Situation:  Two men I know, one a good friend, and one an acquaintance, are married to lovely wives.  Jacob works at a printing plant.  He wanted to take his wife out to different places, to the movies, dancing, and on trips.  She refused.  It was not a question of money.  She just said she was a 'homebody,' and liked to stay home.  Jacob stayed at home, too.

Aaron was a computer specialist.  He loved people and wanted to go to different church functions, both on committees and to social functions.  His wife refused.  She told him, "That's your 'thing'.  Go.  I'll stay home with the children."  Again, it was not a question of money. So Aaron went by himself.

Lessons learned:  Many, many women would like to go somewhere, anywhere, with their husbands.  Going out together creates bonds.  Both Jacob and Aaron resented their wives for not going out with them, as they did when they were dating.  It is truly dishonest to 'change' radically after you get married!

Outcome:  Jacob's wife got cancer, in an advanced stage when she found out.  She died less than a year later.  Jacob was heartbroken.  However, in several years, Jacob dated other women and found a gem who went dancing with him - a lot.  I was so happy for Jacob!

Aaron still goes to many church functions by himself.  Why wouldn't his wife go to just a few events to make him happy?

The KING of Cheaters

Situation:  Mark was a wealthy middle-aged professional, not as good-looking as he thought, but decent looking.  He had a series of affairs with lovely young women.  He was the rare man who made no attempt at hiding his dating.  His wife knew of his affairs but was determined to keep the family together, at least until their children grew up.

His last affair was with Alexandria.  She and Mark were having the trip of a lifetime, in Hawaii.  On the third day, they were involved in a multiple car wreck.  Mark died instantly!  Alexandria was hurt badly but survived.

Lessons learned:  I have personally seen many professional men, both those who are wealthy and those who pretend they're 'loaded,' at various restaurants, etc.  Most try to hide their cheating, but not all.  I'm sure that women cheat also.  How hurtful is it when their spouses find out - and most of them do.  Even worse is when everyone in town or in the neighborhood knows about it and the children are taunted.  Do these cheaters have no heart?  No soul?  And what about the young women?  It takes TWO to cheat!  A young woman is also know as a 'loose woman' or worse names.  Is that what you want?

And what happens when you're caught in the act?  From newspaper stories, you know that the injured party is rarely forgiving and may be violent!  Is it worth it?

Outcome:  Mark's wife had a funeral for him at her church.  It was a sad day for the family.  Several years later, Mark's wife married a really nice gentleman.  Now her children are grown and never mention 'daddy.'  I called Mark "The KING of Cheaters" because he was called to account for his life suddenly, without warning.  It's something that could happen to any of us.  Are we ready?

Staying for Children, or Money?

Situation:  Mara and Bernard are staying married, after eight years and several children, 'just for the sake of the children.'  One time, their son, age six, witnessed one of their hot arguments in their bedroom and told them, "You two don't even like each other."

Mara would very, very much like to leave the marriage, and Bernard has threatened to do so many times.  Yet they are barely making it financially.  To have to maintain two households would be overwhelming since Mara has no marketable skills.  Mara and the children would have to go on welfare plus she would have to take a minimum-wage paying job - or two.

So they stay together.

Lessons learned:  You are just plain not ready for marriage and family if you don't have a marketable job!  Both husband and wife need to be able to get a job, especially in our uncertain economic climate.  No one's job is secure, regardless of what they think!

During the point of highest unemployment in the U.S.A., several years ago, an acquaintance of mine was reduced to selling her cooked casseroles at her church to scrape by when her husband lost his job.

Staying in a hopeless marriage is training for children in how to live and how to love.  Do you want your boys trained in how to abuse their wives?  Do you want your daughters trained in how to be a victim?  (I'm not being sexist here, statistics say nearly 100% of abusers are male.)

There is no easy answer to this problem.  If Mara left when she first realized Bernard had no intention of trying to be a decent human being to his family, no intention of getting counseling - ever, she and the children would have a life of poverty.  She thought that would be worse than living with Bernard.

Outcome:  After more years of misery, Mara left Bernard.  She had gone to school and could earn a basic income.  When they divorced, she, being the naive victim to the end, believed she would have no financial help from Bernard because that's what he threatened her with for years.  Her lawyer nearly laughed, then explained, "Oh, no, you will get an income for you and the children from Bernard and he will still include the children on his medical insurance.  His is the easiest to take care of - he has a regular job."  So, for the years the children were still at home with Mara, the income from her entry-level job and Bernard's child support actually added up to be more than Bernard's income.

The entire family actually benefited from this divorce, painful though it was.  Bernard really is happier without responsibility and Mara and the children didn't have to put up with him.

Two Unhappy Women, Revenge

Situation:  Marge and Joan were friends.  They had met at church.  Marge was in her fifties and Joan was in her thirties.  Ordinarily, Joan would not befriend such an unkempt, sad person, but the other women in church actually ignored Marge and Joan felt sorry for her.  Marge was divorced and Joan was suffering in an unhappy marriage.

Although Marge's husband had left her, Joan could see why Marge was better off without him.  Marge's husband was extremely controlling and self-centered.  Marge had tried to help their now-grown children with homework and would have to take them to the attic to avoid her husband's rants.  One time the children had a pet duck.  Their dad didn't like the duck.  One day Marge and the kids came home from shopping.  They couldn't find the duck.  Later, Marge found the duck, in the freezer, stiff!

Marge and Joan couldn't help but talk about their abusive husbands when they got together.  Marge told of how, when she was married, Marge would drop the newspapers all over the living room just to aggravate her husband and 'get back at him.'  Joan remembered reading in her Bible, "Revenge is mine, saith the Lord God."  She would not do anything at all to aggravate her husband; she was still trying to save their marriage.  Joan felt her husband deserved some sort of revenge but knew that whatever payment he received from God would truly be 'just.'

Lessons learned:  Revenge may feel good at the time it is accomplished, whether it is small things like Marge did, or cruel, serious actions, but in the end, it is the wrong thing to do.  Any form of hatred harms the person doing the hating far more than it hurts the victim.  On this day, Sunday, the Christian Day of the Lord, I am once again reminded of the Bible.  It is the Word of God, our Model for Living.  If we but follow what it says, we will have peace in our lives, no matter what is going on around us.  God doesn't expect us to be rich or famous, he just invites us to be holy.  I'm old (or so my children and grandchildren think of me - it's OK!).  It took me too long to figure this out.  Most older folks figure it out.  Why waste your time?  We really don't know how long we will live!  Make the best of it - now!

Outcome:  After some months, Marge told Joan about certain physical symptoms. Joan told her, "That's not right, you need to see a doctor."  Marge replied, "I'm fine.  I feel fine."  Several months after that, Marge was in a lot of pain.  She finally went to a doctor.  She had incurable cancer.  She died nine months later.  The nurse in me compels me to remind you: You've seen the signs of cancer on TV many, many times.  If there is one thing you're not very sure about, a physical sign that is not normal, please, please, consult your doctor!  Isn't it better to spend a little money finding out that you're 'negative' for cancer than to put it off and possibly let it advance to an incurable stage?

And, no, Joan's marriage didn't last either.  Although she worked very hard to save her marriage, even to the point of seeking counseling for herself when her husband refused, in the end, she left him.

Career versus Job?

Background:  Women in America, in general, have always worked very hard, but not for pay.  That was up to the man of the family.  In the 1960's, the Feminist Movement presented the idea that women were 'unfulfilled' just being a mother and wife at home.  Until that time, women prided themselves on being able to live on their husband's income.  After that time, women wanted 'their own' income.  This was an incredible social change; no one knew it at the time.

Women had always supported their husbands, the wage earners. 'Support' meant keeping his clothes clean, shopping and cooking good meals, doing all the housecleaning and child care.   Now, they still were expected to support their husbands.  However, they found that most men were unwilling or unable to adjust their schedule to help out the wives.  The men, most of them, did no more work around the house if their wives worked outside the home for pay.  Research proved, that if a woman worked outside her home, the men actually did less around the home.  I don't think, no, I know that this is NOT what the feminists had in mind.

What the feminists wanted was that the husbands and wives, both of whom were 'fulfilled' outside the home in their paying jobs, would contribute equally in doing the housework.

What this 'fulfillment' equation failed to address was the difference between 'jobs' and 'careers.'  A job is a place of employment at which you work a designated number of hours per week then go home and totally forget about it.  A JOB is only a means to a paycheck.  A JOB does not provide the meaning or happiness in your life.  It pays the bills, and this is important.

On the other hand, a CAREER is a way of life.  You think about a career for many hours outside of what you actually get paid for.  Your CAREER provides much happiness, meaning, FULFILLMENT in your life.

The bottom line was, and the feminists did not know this, or, if they did, they didn't tell anyone, most men didn't have FULFILLING CAREERS, they merely had jobs.  When the women left their homes to get paying jobs, the great majority found out the hard way: a job is just a job is just a job. . .it's hard work for pay less than you think it's worth. . .and someone else had to raise your children. 

Situation:  Anastasia and Luke married in Pharmacy school.  They had their life together fairly well planned.  Both would get good jobs, save for a great house, have dogs for a couple of years, then have a girl and a boy child.  So far, so good!  They had the house, dogs, and were expecting their first child.  When she was four months pregnant, Anastasia's doctor did an ultrasound and discovered that the child was handicapped. Anastasia said she absolutely could not care for a handicapped child and had an abortion.  It's been thirteen years since then and Anastasia has been unable to get pregnant.  She feels like her life is empty.

Lessons learned:  Used to be, a couple bought a house, indeed, the banks lent money, based on the husband's income alone.  What would happen if the wife had a difficult pregnancy and had to spend several months taking it easy?  Counting on both incomes forever is risky business. In the past several years, there have been millions of home foreclosures due to one parent losing a job.

Also used to be that a couple wanted children as a result of their love for each other and had no other thought than to accept what God gave them.  No one even knew whether the child would be a girl or a boy.  It didn't matter!  Handicapped?  Every person has minor or major flaws.  Whatever came would be dealt with.  Everyone helped out each other. 

PLANS for your WHOLE LIFE?  That's also foolish!  You can plan several years in the future then hope for and pray for the best.  Life always gives us a few (or many) tall or short 'hurdles' to overcome!

Outcome:  I used to work with Anastasia.  She turned out to be a very bitter woman.  She wanted children of her own but was not willing to adopt one. Both she and her husband work as pharmacists but consider their work as 'jobs,' not careers.  But it pays well!  IF they had children, they could easily have paid for child care.  Everyone is not as fortunate. 

FYI: IF Anastasia had not quickly had the abortion without telling anyone, I would have advised her to get a second ultrasound from a different doctor.  Ultrasounds are not 100% reliable. Also, it is much healthier for a woman physically, especially with her first pregnancy, to deliver the baby and give the child to someone else to raise if she didn't want the child for any reason.  I know a family with both parents present that have three children.  With the fourth pregnancy, the mother didn't feel she could care for another child and gave the baby for adoption (a beautiful daughter!).

Baggage #2: Expectations

Background:  "Baggage" are past hurts, attitudes, and habits that we bring with us through our lives.  Baggage weighs us down, burdens us, prevents us from having the happy lives we could create.  If we recognize this baggage, we can try to relieve ourselves of it and leave it in the past, where it belongs.

Situation:  Aaron, Julie, and I were neighbors who rode together our freshman year at the University of Dayton.  We had great chats as we lived north of the city and traffic was always heavy.  Julie and I were pleased with the courses we were taking but Aaron hated his subjects.  He complained endlessly and was frequently late when we picked him up. Julie and I were extremely frustrated while waiting for him.  We decided that the next time he was not on time, we would 'sit' on the car's horn till he came out.  It happened and Aaron flew out the door!  "What are you doing?" he blurted, "My dad says you're going to wake up everyone in the neighborhood."

That cured Aaron of his tardiness but not his hatred for college.

Finally, we figured out what was 'eating' on him:  Aaron shared that he was a Engineering student and he hated everything about his studies.  He wanted to be a doctor but his dad was an engineer and said that Aaron had to be also.

Outcome: Aaron was suspended after his first semester (that's really hard to do!).  Julie and I were busy with our own studies, jobs, and boyfriends, and forgot about him.  We don't know if he and his dad ever resolved dad's unrealistic expectations.

Lessons learned:  Are there any unrealistic expectations lurking in your past?  I was lucky in that 'as a girl,' my parents had zero expectations for me except eventually getting married.  Not so lucky my brothers, though!  My dad was harder on them to excel in school as was my husband on our sons.  I asked one of them one time,  "Why are you so hard on the boys?"  The response: "They'll have to work hard all their lives."  As if women don't have to work hard all our lives!!

Think about your own children.  It's one thing to encourage them to study hard and succeed but another thing to tell them what they should study or what job they should take or in what city they should live.  Of course, as parents, we have more experience, and maybe wish we would have gone further in our schooling.  Let's talk with them instead of at them. 

Dealing with Disappointment

Situation:  Emma was a very sensitive young woman and seemed to cry at every disappointment.  Her husband, Galen, couldn't understand her at all.  When things went wrong, he just tried to deal with it, scolded Emma for being such a baby and got on with his life.  At times, when small things went wrong, such as a sick child preventing them from going out like they were planning, Emma shed a few tears, even then.  When a major disappointment happened once, like the time Galen lost his job, Emma cried off and on for days.  Galen also scolded her, mocked her, and was angry with her for days.

Lessons to be learned: Disappointments and occasional tragedies are bound to happen.  There are many ways to deal with them: some are angry, some are hurt and tearful, some will pout, and some may scold or attack.  Then others may just be silent and hope the problem will go away.  We would do well to pay attention to how we deal with this and also to how those with whom we hope to have a serious relationship deal with them.  If we date someone long enough, this will be apparent.  We don't want to live with anyone who scolds, mocks and/or gets angry with us.

Outcome:  Emma was just worn out with crying and decided to get counseling.  After several months of insights, she quit crying with every hurt.  She let Galen know that she didn't appreciate being treated with 'put-downs.'  Things remain much better between them.

What's your "Time" Style?

Situation: Cassandra is always on time for any event she attends.  She thinks it is rude to be late and possibly make people wait on her.  She is married to Gene who has no concept of time.  He is late for nearly everything.  It is a wonder he has ever kept a job!  If they go somewhere together, Cassandra has to remind Gene hours ahead of time and usually they are not very late.

Lessons learned:  This is not a small characteristic!  You need to know the 'time' style of anyone you may marry.  Could you deal with a person the opposite of you?  This is very, very difficult!

Once I read research on the 'time' style of American college students versus that of their South American counterparts.  The average American was on time for class, was mildly engaged in the subject, and might stay a little longer afterwards to discuss the topic with professor and the other students but usually left on time.  In contrast, the average South American student was incredibly late, very engaged with the subject, and stayed for a long time after class.  Really, it is what it is! I'm not sure anyone could significantly change his or her 'time' style.

I, personally, had a military dad who taught my brothers and me not only to be on time, but to be early!  Dad said,  "Figure out where you're going, think of what obstacles may be on the way, such as a railroad crossing, and add extra time,  then you'll never be late."  We really like our soldiers, doctors, police, firemen and other critical people to be on time!

Outcome:  Cassandra and Gene are still very much in love and happily married.  Not every one could do as well!

Baggage #1: Work Ethic

Background:  "Work Ethic" fits into the category of "Baggage," attitudes left from childhood, because sometimes it gets in the way of a good relationship.  Most of us undoubtedly learn how much to work, how hard to work, and when to cut back from work, from our family of origin.

Americans, in general, are known for a good work ethic, perhaps too good of a work ethic.  Compared to other nations, most of us work too many hours a week and take fewer vacation days.  Some of us seem to work every waking moment.

Situation:  Dawn and Anthony were engaged.  They were both college students and would marry immediately following graduation.  They both worked nearly every minute both to do well in their studies and at paying jobs to finance their education.

After marriage, they moved to a distant city for Anthony's job.  Dawn stayed home and learned to cook.  When Anthony came home from work, he brought homework with him because he was in training.  Dawn knew this wouldn't last forever, so she found books she wanted to read.

Training was over, the couple moved to another distant city.  Meanwhile Dawn became pregnant.  They were both thrilled! Life settled down, they formed friendships with other couples.  They moved one more time, to another distant city before the baby was born.

With the birth of the child, life changed considerably.  Anthony really didn't want to care for the baby at any time.  He said, "What if I drop the baby?"  Dawn found out that prior to his own child, Anthony had never held a baby and had no idea of the care they required.  Soon, Anthony spent every waking moment he wasn't working taking care of the yard.  Dawn was amazed at the many projects he created, planting new bushes, trees, bulbs, weeding, etc.  Sometimes Anthony would be outside when it was still dark.  When he finally came in the house, he had to watch TV for several hours to 'unwind.'

Anthony worked outside well into the winter until the ground was frozen.  Then he sat in front of the TV all evening till past midnight.

As the years went on, several more children were born but Dawn came to realize that the children only had one parent.  When one of the children would come where Anthony was working, he just continued on without much talking.  When Anthony was watching TV and someone walked in front of him, he got extremely angry.  Dawn felt sorry for the children.  She didn't care whether or not the yard was perfect.  Couldn't he come in and help with the nightly baths or help put them to bed, just once?

Lessons learned:  Since Anthony's training was, in essence, a continuation of the heavy studying and homework he did while in college, it probably would have been better if the couple had waited to marry until the training was over.  Anthony's working outside for most of the year was not only a matter of not knowing when to stop working, it could have been an excuse to avoid interacting with the family.  Two people contemplating marriage would do well to 1) wait till they are both free of study obligations and can focus on each other, 2) wait till they date for several months when they're both settled in jobs to find out if the other person can ever relax, and 3) seriously discuss expectations concerning children and their care.  Better to know how a person stands before a commitment rather than risk a breakup of a marriage and family.

Outcome:  Anthony's overwork never ceased nor did his anger at being interrupted.  His outbursts were abusive put-downs which always ended in one or more of the children crying.  Dawn felt the situation was intolerable and left the marriage.  Everyone, including Anthony, was happier.  He was relieved of the responsibility he never wanted and they were relieved of his terrible outbursts.

 

It Takes Two to Cheat but. . .

Background:  Definition of 'Cheat,' dictionary definition: to deprive of something through fraud or deceit. . .to violate rules dishonestly.  Why have I blogged about this more than any other relationship problem?  I see so much of it going on around me and see the 'fallout' in broken marriages.  Basically, cheating is dating between persons, one or both of whom are married to someone else.  This involves a sexual relationship.  It's called "adultery."

For a cheating relationship to begin and continue, both persons have to agree.  Let's face it, probably every married person, at one time or many times, will have an opportunity to cheat on his or her spouse. This opportunity is called temptation.   However, if two persons are considering a cheating relationship, it only takes one of them to say, 'NO!' and the cheating will not occur.

It is in the nature of marriage that, after the ecstasy of the honeymoon has worn off, and your spouse, after all, is an ordinary human being with dirty socks, some quirky habit that grates on your nerves, etc., perhaps someone else looks better.  You see the new person always well-groomed, rested, and in a good mood.  Consider: If someone looks really good to you, the new person doesn't have to pay bills with you or even put up with your bad moods.  How would they look then?

Marriage involve promises, 'vows.'  To violate these vows is a terrible breach of your lifelong promise to your spouse.  Why not promise yourself to never break your vows.  If your marriage is on the way to divorce, much better to feel that you have done everything possible to save it than to have it on your conscience that it was you that destroyed it. Never, never date while you're still married.  If you're single, never date a married person.  Don't forget: if that person cheats on his or her spouse, he or she will likely cheat on you!

'Cheating' involves deception.  The cheater has to lie to the other spouse about where he or she is going.  Having gone to an all-girls' Catholic school, I was really naive about this.  At one of my first office jobs, an older, married co-worker left work with a man.  I assumed it was her husband. Soon I received a phone call from a man asking for her.  I answered, "She's not here.  She's gone home with her husband."  The next day she told me,  "The man I left with wasn't my husband.  He's my boyfriend.  But it's OK.  You didn't know."  I really didn't want to be involved in this.  As I only worked there for a few months, I don't know what happened after that.

Situation:  Justine and Evan had worked together very well for several years.  They both had spouses and both had children.  Something changed.  Evan started confiding in Justine about the problems he and his wife were having.  Justine felt sorry for Evan; she liked him very much.  Then Evan started flirting with Justine.  She had never told him but her marriage was a disaster, she was just hanging on, for the sake of the children.  Justine realized she was intensely attracted to Evan.

Then Evan asked her to go out to dinner with him, in a "quiet, out-of-the-way place."  Justine very much wanted to do this.  She realized that she not only was attracted to Evan, she was 'in love' with him and knew he was in love with her.  Justine also realized the true gravity of the situation.  She had vowed years ago she would honor her marriage promises.  She firmly told Evan, "No!  I don't want to do that."  Justine also knew that she didn't want to hurt Evan in any way and that cheating would ultimately hurt him.

There was no mistaking that their love was real but it took a different course.  They still worked together, still were very good friends but developed an unshakeable respect for each other.  Evan never again asked her to go out with him.

Lessons learned: You will regret cheating!!  You will not regret staying faithful!  It may be hard, but we must say, "NO!" to anything that will hurt another person, or in the case of marriages and children, many persons.

Outcome:  After several years, Evan had a better job opportunity and moved on.  Although she knew she would hardly ever see him anymore, Justine wished him well.  Justine had met Evan's wife and children at different times and felt very good that she was not the cause of their eventual breakup.
 

"Dropping" Lines

In the interesting world of dating and relationships, sometimes you have a gut feeling you don't want to keep dating the other person.  Perhaps they share an outlook radically different from yours, or you suspect the other person is a 'player,' or any other quality you could not tolerate.  So, how do you keep them from calling you or expecting that you'll call them?

It usually works to say, "Sorry, I'm busy."  You may have to do this several times.  We do want to be gentle, don't we?

When I was a teenager, I wasn't all that popular, but this one guy whom I dated once kept calling and even showing up at my front door, sometimes with friends.  I got tired of this quickly and finally blurted out, "I only go out with guys who drive Cadillacs!"  I suppose it was NOT nice but I was desperate.  I never again saw him.

Please, oh, please, share with us some of the "dropping" lines you've said or heard about!

Two Depressed Men

Situation #1:  Cassie and J.B. have been married for over thirty years.  Their children are grown and live in distant cities.  J.B. has been severely depressed and suicidal for six years.  He has not been able to work during that time.  J.B. refuses to get counseling and refuses medication.  Cassie signs a new contract with him every morning before she goes to work, stating that he will not commit suicide that day.

Situation #2:  Jayne and Steven have been married for over twenty years.  They have two teenagers and a younger child.  Steven has been depressed for most of his life, as far as he can remember, still works but refuses to see a counselor or take medication.  Jayne works part-time.  She is highly stressed and feels like she has raised the children by herself because all Steven wants to do when he's home is sleep.

Lessons learned:  When I worked in Behavioral Medicine, all a person had to say to get admitted to a hospital, from the emergency room, was "I'm going to kill myself."  Today, as far as I know, an actual suicidal attempt has to have been made. The rule for admission is: the person is a danger to self or others.

Depression is one of the most easily curable of psychiatric illnesses. With counseling and medications, most people can be greatly helped.  The first key is: the patient has to WANT HELP.  The second key is: the patient has to be faithful in taking 'mood-lifting' medications.  ALL medications, even the common aspirin, have side effects!  The patient has to be willing to deal with some side effects, at the beginning, at least.  This may be only temporary sleepiness.  The results are well worth it!

If you are dating or considering marriage to someone who is depressed, very, very sad most of the time, realize that just because you love them, it won't help their depression even slightly. Love does not cure depression or any psychiatric illness.  Suggest that the person seek counseling.  If the person does not seek counseling, seriously consider ending the relationship (gently, of course!).  Any out-of-control psychiatric illness is helped only by professionals, if the patient wants help.  This is a sad fact.  Should you waste your life?  The person could not, as long as he or she is seriously ill, be a full partner in a relationship.  Pity is NEVER a substitute for LOVE! 

Outcome, #1:  Nothing has changed with Cassie and J.B. except that Cassie will retire soon.

Outcome, #2:  Steven finally took Jayne's advice to see a counselor.  He was really cured of his depression by the medication and the talk therapy.  Steven said, "I never knew I could feel so good.  I never remember feeling this good my whole life."  The family now has fun, goes on trips, and actually has a happy life together.

The Tale of Two Cheating Women (Cheaters, #4)

Situation:  Couple #1: Mary was a college student working in her hometown during the summer break.  She was living with a girlfriend in her family vacation home.  Peter, an older man she knew, called her up and wanted to go out.  He is so lonely, he said, his wife is just a witch.  Mary felt sorry for him.  She told him she'd go out and just planned to listen to him, to be a friend.  Peter, however, had other plans and soon seduced her.  For several months, Peter and Mary had sex in unimaginable locations.  Once, they went to Peter's home when his wife was not at home.

Couple #2:  Frances is an older, thirty-ish career woman.  She has dated Ollie, a married man with children for close to ten years.  He told her, "I have no intention of leaving my wife.  We will not hurt the children."  Frances doesn't like to sneak around and she doesn't expect Ollie to leave his wife.  She earns more money than he does so Frances has to pay for everything when they go out.  Ollie is very careful to go to out-of-town spots.  Sometimes they go away for the weekend.  Frances would like to bring Ollie home to meet her parents and brothers but Ollie refuses.

Outcome:  Couple #1:  At the end of the summer, Mary found out that Peter's wife was expecting another child.  Mary was devastated, to the point of contemplating suicide.  She had to be hospitalized for a short time, for her safety.  She refused to go out with Peter again.  She couldn't believe Peter lied to her.  In time, Mary recovered.  She never again let herself be victimized.

Couple #2:  Ollie and Frances are still dating.  Frances' friends think she is wasting her life.

Lessons learned:  In years past, the women who provided sex on the side for married men were called "mistresses" or "kept women," if the men supported them.  There were other, crude names.  Most of these women quickly developed a bad reputation and never married decent men.  Why did they start such 'doomed' relationships?  Why did some women continue these relationships for many years?  When did they just give up on ever finding a man who would truly love them?

Research has shown that those involved in extra-marital 'affairs' like the excitement of having a hidden relationship; very little 'love' is involved in this.  True love involves earnestly wanting the 'best' for the loved one.  Sneaking around so no one finds out is NOT the 'best!'

Unmarried women and men should never let a married friend or colleague think of them as potential dates.  Flirting is NOT harmless!  Do NOT, for your own protection, EVER cross the line!  You will bitterly regret it, sooner, or later.  Like it or not, adultery is wrong!  Besides, you don't want it on your conscience that you have taken time away from the married person's family!  Don't be selfish!

The Old Flame

Situation:  Winny and Clay met in college, in the same class.  Clay was instantly attracted to the vivacious, friendly Winny. He asked her to date, but she thought of him as a friend.  He was plain looking, pleasant, mannerly, but not her type.  Winny was dating an older man she had met in a bar.

After the semester was over, Winny married the older man.  She stayed in college, finished and found a good job.  The harder she worked, the less the older man worked.  They had several children. He turned out to be verbally abusive, Winny would not tolerate it, and divorced him.  Sometimes Winny found herself fantasizing about how her life would have been if she had dated Clay instead.

Years passed.  It was very hard for her to work and raise the children but, with help from her family, she did it.  And then she ran into Clay at a shopping mall.  They chatted for several minutes and stopped to have coffee.  After all these years, Clay was still attracted to Winny who had kept her figure and her long, dark hair.  Winny thought Clay was positively handsome now!  Winny told Clay she was divorced.  Clay told Winny of his terrible marriage and asked her to date again.

Lessons learned:  Many young adults are attracted to the 'peacocks' of the opposite sex.  These are the super-attractive, super-friendly, 'men or women of the world,' very sophisticated, usually heavy drinking, people on the prowl.  Beware of instant attraction!  It's the calm, steady person who will stay in the relationship for the long haul.  Some young people seem to be attracted to much older men or women, and feel flattered of the attention they receive.

Outcome:  Winny politely declined to date the still-married Clay.  She felt in her heart that helping another end a marriage was no way to begin a relationship.  There was also the matter of Adultery.  Winny wouldn't do it!  She is still single.  She hasn't seen Clay at all.

The See-Saws: Cheaters, #3

Situation:  Holly is a single woman in her early thirties.  She's known a man, Jude, for more than ten years.  When they first met, Holly and Jude were very much attracted to each other.  They dated for several weeks, then Jude told Holly that he was "separated from his wife and they were getting a divorce very soon."  Holly wanted no part of such a dishonest relationship and dropped Jude immediately.

Fast forward three years.  Holly had a phone message from Jude, "Just want you to know, if you ever need to talk, or need to cry on my shoulder, I'm here for you."  Holly ignored the message and never called him.  She had heard from a friend that he was divorced and married again.

Four more years passed.  Jude appeared on Holly's doorstep.  "Holly, I'm divorced now.  Let's talk."  Holly didn't even let him inside her apartment.  She told him, "I'm in a relationship now.  No thanks."

Lessons learned:  Consider a married or otherwise committed person "off-limits."  Check out the marital status of your potential date before you start dating.  You dare not give your heart to someone so horribly shallow & callous to cheat on his/her mate!

Don't believe a married person when they share with you about how badly they are being treated by their spouse.  They may be lying.  If they're telling the truth, it's THEIR PROBLEM, NOT YOURS!

Beware of serial marry-and-divorce people.  With each successive marriage, the odds are greater that they will divorce sooner.

Outcome:  Holly is not pressured either to date or to marry.  She feels that if she dated a mature man who was compatible, she would marry.  She dates very nice men, occasionally.  Holly is happy in her job, her church, her apartment, her cool car and LIFE!

Unmatched Couples

Situation:  Nancy is an ordinary, plain, small-town girl from Kentucky.  She has been married to a foreign man for three years.  She is considerably taller than he is, heavier, with obviously bleached, white-blond hair.  The Man is fairly good-looking but openly treats her like dirt. She was one of my patients, from time-to-time, in the hospital.

Nancy shared, when the Man was not present, that he was taking all her money, used her car, was hardly ever at home, and wouldn't even help her when she was sick.  She sadly relayed, "I just can't seem to make him love me."

Lessons learned:  Except for the occasional really tall skinny man and the really short, plump woman, do you ever see older, unmatched couples?  Sometimes you'll see a homely rich man married to a drop-dead-gorgeous woman but, by and large, couples who stay together for the long term tend to resemble each other in appearance and outlook.  Opposites may attract but couples with many common interests will find life easier.

There are many young couples such as Nancy and The Man in Kentucky.  It is obvious that many foreign men will charm plain women who wouldn't attract a guy in their small town with a limited number of bachelors.  I think these guys will select a vulnerable woman so they can remain in the good ole' United States permanently.  It is all too obvious.

I've seen no statistics regarding this but I've noticed that foreign women are highly educated and frequently marry those from their own country.

Now do you really want to be married to someone that uses you, for any reason?  Consider carefully, anyone who wants to rush you into marriage!

Outcome:  I'll never see Nancy since I've retired so I'll never know what happened to her.  I wonder how long a marriage has to last for a foreign person to be able to stay in the U.S. permanently.  Does anyone know?