Situation: Clarence was 19 years old and madly, deeply in love with Mary Ellen, also 19 years old. Even though they had only dated for 4 months, Clarence asked Mary Ellen to marry him. She accepted and started making plans. Only problem was, Mary Ellen continued to date other guys behind his back. Clarence's family and friends were horrified! They knew Mary Ellen was bad news and repeatedly told Clarence. He wouldn't listen to any of them and eloped with Mary Ellen. Several weeks later he found his new bride with another man. They divorced.
Lessons learned: First, if your family or friends are very much opposed to your marrying a person, talk with them about the reasons. Could be, they're right! Secondly, it's true what the old folks say, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure." The younger you are, the longer you should date before marrying.
Outcome: Clarence never dated again, never remarried. He lived with his mother until her death at age 95.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Leashes
Background: One of the growing-up tasks of a baby is to realize that his primary caretaker, usually his mom, will return when he doesn't actually see her. He has to know for sure that mom can be trusted. Some children never pass this 'stage' of development. They become anxious and afraid. In time, when they're adults, they are never able to trust anyone.
Situation: When Rose was trying to lose weight, she would briskly walk several miles around the neighborhood by herself or with a girlfriend. Her husband, Jerry, would question her, 'grill' her, when she returned. "Where did you go? Who did you see?" Several times Jerry rode his bike around the streets until he found her. "Hi!" he grinned. He was trying to hide his checking on her, wanting to appear casual, that he just happened to want to get some exercise.
Rose couldn't go to the grocery without Jerry calling her several times. "Oh, don't forget the pizza." "Is milk on your list?" He unconsciously was so terrified of her meeting someone she liked better and leaving him that he had to know where she was and what she was doing at every minute of every day.
Lessons learned: The pattern of one person in a dating relationship constantly checking up on another should be very carefully recognized as a giant 'RED FLAG': keep away! This person does not trust me and NEVER WILL TRUST ME!
The outcome: There were many other complications in this marriage. Long-story-short is that Jerry was extremely emotionally abusive and threatened physical abuse. Eventually, they divorced.
Situation: When Rose was trying to lose weight, she would briskly walk several miles around the neighborhood by herself or with a girlfriend. Her husband, Jerry, would question her, 'grill' her, when she returned. "Where did you go? Who did you see?" Several times Jerry rode his bike around the streets until he found her. "Hi!" he grinned. He was trying to hide his checking on her, wanting to appear casual, that he just happened to want to get some exercise.
Rose couldn't go to the grocery without Jerry calling her several times. "Oh, don't forget the pizza." "Is milk on your list?" He unconsciously was so terrified of her meeting someone she liked better and leaving him that he had to know where she was and what she was doing at every minute of every day.
Lessons learned: The pattern of one person in a dating relationship constantly checking up on another should be very carefully recognized as a giant 'RED FLAG': keep away! This person does not trust me and NEVER WILL TRUST ME!
The outcome: There were many other complications in this marriage. Long-story-short is that Jerry was extremely emotionally abusive and threatened physical abuse. Eventually, they divorced.
Monday, May 20, 2013
Abandonment by a Friend
Situation: My first major direct, personal, sleazy, lying hurt came from Alicia, a child-care center owner, (Remember, no real names, just real situations!) Alicia and I met at an elementary school P.T.A. meeting where our children, the same ages, attended. We had a lot in common and would get together frequently one summer as our daughters played.
With the end of summer approaching and the start of school coming up, I had to make a decision for after-school care. Now I knew Alicia owned a day care center but I had been taking my older children to another center I particularly liked. I decided to stay with the old familiar center and told Alicia. She said not a word.
Several months later, my newest baby was due. I asked Alicia if she would stay with the children to allow my husband to visit me one evening in the hospital. She readily agreed. The time came, we had a new baby girl! Later that evening, I was waiting for my husband. Several hours passed by and he called: Alicia never showed up and her phone was not being answered. No visit that night! I was worried that something happened to Alicia and called her the next week. She tried hard to find the words but muttered that her husband was out-of-town, she had to pick him up from the airport in another town. No apology. No plausible explanation. Months later I found out this was not true. Alicia had deliberately hurt me! My friend!
Lessons learned: There's always time for a quick phone call or text message in an emergency. Be very careful if there are clear conflicts between what is expected from you and what you want to do. This doesn't mean we have to go against what we know is best, especially when our families are involved. It means we have to communicate our intentions and even our reasons to our friends. It should have been a 'red flag', a warning to me when Alicia accepted this major decision from me directly against her center without a word.
The outcome: Alicia and I never again met as friends. When the owner of my preferred child-care center retired two years later, I had another decision. Should I consider Alicia's center or another? I decided to go with Alicia's center. Although I certainly could not trust her as a friend, I knew she ran a good center. She actually was shocked I would do this but accepted my child and treated her very well. On that level, things worked well.
With the end of summer approaching and the start of school coming up, I had to make a decision for after-school care. Now I knew Alicia owned a day care center but I had been taking my older children to another center I particularly liked. I decided to stay with the old familiar center and told Alicia. She said not a word.
Several months later, my newest baby was due. I asked Alicia if she would stay with the children to allow my husband to visit me one evening in the hospital. She readily agreed. The time came, we had a new baby girl! Later that evening, I was waiting for my husband. Several hours passed by and he called: Alicia never showed up and her phone was not being answered. No visit that night! I was worried that something happened to Alicia and called her the next week. She tried hard to find the words but muttered that her husband was out-of-town, she had to pick him up from the airport in another town. No apology. No plausible explanation. Months later I found out this was not true. Alicia had deliberately hurt me! My friend!
Lessons learned: There's always time for a quick phone call or text message in an emergency. Be very careful if there are clear conflicts between what is expected from you and what you want to do. This doesn't mean we have to go against what we know is best, especially when our families are involved. It means we have to communicate our intentions and even our reasons to our friends. It should have been a 'red flag', a warning to me when Alicia accepted this major decision from me directly against her center without a word.
The outcome: Alicia and I never again met as friends. When the owner of my preferred child-care center retired two years later, I had another decision. Should I consider Alicia's center or another? I decided to go with Alicia's center. Although I certainly could not trust her as a friend, I knew she ran a good center. She actually was shocked I would do this but accepted my child and treated her very well. On that level, things worked well.
Why Start a Relationship Blog?
The Challenge: This is a serious quest to spare everyone I encounter the wrenching PAIN of tragic, twisted relationships. But the bonus is learning how to find the wonderful, solid and reliable, interesting people who will truly CARE about you! Many years ago while in the middle of my worst relationship ever, I found the answer to what had been nagging at me: how could I have avoided all this pain? Had I known what to look for in a friendship, in a marriage, I would have ran the other way fast!
A bit of background: I'm on the edge of retiring from my favorite nursing job. Thirteen years ago when I was between jobs, I started writing a book for my children and grandchildren. Now I want to finish it and I need your help. Over my life many friends have come and gone and I've kept the best. I've worked as a psychiatric nurse and counseled patients. I've studied many books on understanding people and gone to workshops. Then I created a new approach to sorting out compatible people from those who crush others and I want to share it. I've conversed with many folks about their failed relationships and learned what works, what doesn't, who to avoid, contacts to nourish.
In this blog, let's together examine our failed connections, the ones filled with loneliness and pain, either emotional or physical or both. Let's find out what were the warning signs we ignored and learn what to avoid in the future. Let's look forward to a future of love and fulfillment!
One important guideline to start our exploring: we can't hurt anyone by giving real names or other identification when presenting our difficult relationships. We don't want real people reading this, recognizing themselves and being hurt. Since we're searching for happiness, those good feelings won't be built by squashing others!
A bit of background: I'm on the edge of retiring from my favorite nursing job. Thirteen years ago when I was between jobs, I started writing a book for my children and grandchildren. Now I want to finish it and I need your help. Over my life many friends have come and gone and I've kept the best. I've worked as a psychiatric nurse and counseled patients. I've studied many books on understanding people and gone to workshops. Then I created a new approach to sorting out compatible people from those who crush others and I want to share it. I've conversed with many folks about their failed relationships and learned what works, what doesn't, who to avoid, contacts to nourish.
In this blog, let's together examine our failed connections, the ones filled with loneliness and pain, either emotional or physical or both. Let's find out what were the warning signs we ignored and learn what to avoid in the future. Let's look forward to a future of love and fulfillment!
One important guideline to start our exploring: we can't hurt anyone by giving real names or other identification when presenting our difficult relationships. We don't want real people reading this, recognizing themselves and being hurt. Since we're searching for happiness, those good feelings won't be built by squashing others!
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