Mutual Goals

Situation:  Helen and Marty are an engaged couple in their late twenties, planning a wedding this Christmas season.  They know where they will live, after the wedding: in the same town where they now live.  Both of their jobs will remain the same.  The couple are spending virtually every moment together planning a very elaborate wedding.  Beyond that, they really have no goals together.

This seems like risky business!  There are a myriad of things they need to know about each other before the commitment of marriage.  What about finances?  Will they have a joint checking account or will they each have separate accounts.  Money seems to be a large factor in divorces.  What about buying a house?  Are they going to save for a house?  Will they start saving for retirement?  Or will they spend every penny they earn?  What is their pattern now?  What about children?  How many, more or less, would they like to have?  When?  Will one parent stay home with they children or will both keep their jobs and pay for childcare?

Other important questions may be: What about church?  Right now, they go to separate churches. Will that continue?  Years ago, male and female roles were well-defined.  The husband earned the money, the wife stayed home with the children.  That was easy!  Today the women expect to work, most of them, for their whole lives.  Some of the young women want to stay home and raise their children.  Perhaps the prospective husband needs to know, so he won't count on that extra income forever.

Other problems in marriage center around the division of labor at home.  In general, young women work at a paying job outside the home, are tired when they get home, and expect some kind of help from their husband with the cooking, cleaning, shopping, paying bills, laundry, child care, yard care (if they have a yard), and car maintenance.  Most men have no problems with cutting the grass (although I tell about one who didn't cut grass in this blog, August 11, 2013, "The Woman, The Corvette, and the Grass"), and most don't mind dealing with mechanics and cars.  Yet, in my long life, I've only known two couples in which the husbands shared equally with the rest of the housework/childcare, and the wives had paying jobs outside the home.  The rest of the women were chronically fatigued, and also chronically resentful that their husbands refused to 'lend a hand.'

What about education?  Some men and women plan to get advanced degrees as soon as possible.  Others couldn't care less.  This would be a good thing to know.  If you want that extra degree, would your spouse support you?

There are many less important items such as choice of furniture styles, having pets, where to spend vacations, how to spend holidays - together or at one parent's house, etc.

Lessons learned:  The more the couple knows about each others' expectations after marriage, and the more they can set MUTUAL GOALS, the happier their lives will be!  Sure, they know they can have fun together, but the business of Life involves more than that.

Outcome:  We'll check back with Helen and Marty in a few years.  Right now, they have a 50% chance of succeeding and a 50% chance of failing. Those are terrible odds!  If they spent time discussing their future life after the wedding, I'd bet that those odds would greatly improve, in favor of success!

Please pay attention: God loves us and wants us to be happy!  That means trying to find out what God thinks would make us happy.  Read His Book and check out His Church.  What could it hurt?  He says quite a bit about proper planning.