New Tactics

Background:  You've heard and I've heard many wives and husbands complaining about their mates, many parents complaining about their children, co-workers putting down their bosses, etc.  We've probably all been guilty of this ourselves, at times, to one degree or another.

Situation:  Pat and Matt are a successful middle-aged couple, both working all their lives, fortunate to both have jobs in these uncertain times.  They both complain endlessly to all who would listen.  Anyone who even half-listens to either one of them thinks, "How can they stay married?"  I've even heard Matt being told, at times, "Well, you put up with it.  Don't complain to us."  Pat's been told many times, "Dump the jerk."

Lessons learned:  My wise grandmother often told me, "Don't be an open book."  Surely it does no one any good to bitterly complain to others.  Yes, the complainer gets to "vent."  Maybe that makes life easier to constantly unload the "poison."  But the listener will think, "If she complains about so-and-so, she'll complain about me.  I'd better watch what I say around her."  And the person about whom a complaint is made, never gets a chance to know how his or her behavior is affecting the complainer.

The axiom is true: If what you're doing isn't working, do something else!  This is similar to: If you're hitting your head against a brick wall and it hurts, STOP!  So, how can we get off the "constant complaining merry-go-round?"

First, consider very carefully what is really bothering you about your wife, husband, co-worker, friend, etc.  We don't want to nit-pick, we only need to address major issues.

Next, we must gather the courage to directly and gently offer our take on the problem to the person involved.  But, we must never accuse or point fingers. That only puts the other person on the defensive and actually makes things worse.  You'll probably have a nasty argument on your hands.

Here's what works: when both parties are calm, when the environment is calm and unhurried, say how you feel about what is going on that bothers you.  "Honey, I feel so helpless when you charge things without telling me.  I worry that we'll go over our limit and our credit will be ruined.  Would you mind telling me?"  What about saying this to your child: "Joey, I feel like I'm not doing a good job and you'll run out of clothes when you throw your dirty socks and underwear under your bed.  Would you please try throwing them in the hamper right after you take them off?  How about if we take the hamper out of the bathroom and put it in your room?  Would that help?" This is called giving "I-messages" in the psych books.  You might try it some time.

Outcome:  Pat and Matt are still married.

Please believe:  God loves us all and fervently wants us all to be happy!