Situation #1: Lucy met her boyfriend, Travis, at a friend's house. It was the summer of her junior year in high school. Travis was 19 years old, out of high school, working for the past year, and visiting a relative. They quickly fell in love but Travis was already committed to leave for the Navy in October. Before he left, he asked Lucy to marry him. She accepted. Travis didn't know how long he would be gone.
Situation #2: Fran and Dominic were both in college, both living at home in the same town. They had been dating for eight months when Fran's dad was transferred to a distant city. They had planned to marry after they graduated from college and had jobs. Fran enrolled in the college in the new city. Dominic was only able to visit Fran every six weeks and stayed with her family in her brother's room when he came.
Lessons learned: When married couples are separated by many miles, it is usually due to job changes; a time is in sight when they will be re-united. They already know each other well and can tolerate this.
When one person of a dating couple moves far away, the whole relationship changes. Dating should be a time of testing the relationship. Is this person reliable, honest? What will happen when the inevitable problem comes? How will he or she react? Before committing to marriage, a relationship must be close and constant. Seeing a person several days a week, perhaps every day, shows more of a person's character than a long-distance relationship. Sure, a person can pour out their hearts in letters, e-mails, and even frequent texts. This is NOT the same as a real, continuous relationship. Dating one weekend every one or two months is not enough!
Outcome #1: Travis told Lucy before he left, "I'm not giving you an engagement ring now. You should have the freedom to date during your last year in high school." Lucy agreed. They exchanged frequent letters. Lucy didn't really want to date but she did ask guy friends to take her to the high school socials. Lucy told her mom and dad about her plans with Travis; they liked Travis. Dad told her, "That's OK, Lucy, but you realize that if you and Travis marry, you'll always have to work because he's just a Seaman."
Immediately after 'boot camp,' Travis left for overseas so Lucy didn't seem him all winter. By April, Lucy was thinking she might change her plans. First, when she married and had children, she definitely wanted to be a stay-at-home mom to raise her own kids. She would never be able to do this with Travis. Secondly, she really wanted to go to college. She wrote to Travis, "I have the opportunity to go to college. No one in my family ever graduated from college before. I feel I need to do this." Soon Travis called her, very, very, upset, "Do you really want to do this?" Lucy answered, "Yes, I want to." And they never had any contact again.
Outcome #2: Fran and Dominic were able to have their wedding shortly after they graduated. Hours after they married, Fran realized that he was not the person she thought he was. He had put on a really good 'front,' and had lied to her. In time, they divorced.
Our Take-Away from This: Don't be afraid to tell the young people (and older ones, also) you know who are planning to marry about the perils of a long-distance relationship if this is what they have. Parents, encourage the couple to live in the same city (but not co-habit) long enough to 'test' the intended spouse. They might not appreciate your advice but would rather not be in a horrible union. The younger they are, the more careful they need to be! What do you think?
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