The Paycheck

Situation:  Ronald and Sara were very much in love when they married.  They welcomed three children into their happy lives.  Life was good!  One by one, the children entered the merry-go-round of school.  After all three were in school, there were so many activities they were involved in, it seemed that the family couldn't even get together for supper in the evening.  It was quite a lot of work for Sara to get the children to their after-school activities and back home for homework.  She had a part-time job several hours most days, so that left the evenings to get the housework done.  There never was enough time for anybody.

Ronald and Sara never had fights, they just drifted apart.  There seemed to be a growing coldness between them.  Neither of them were interested in other people, they just no longer took pleasure in each other's company.  Sara tried to involve Ronald in the children's activities but he wanted no part.  He also was tired when he got home from work and wanted nothing more than peace and quiet with TV and the newspaper.

When the children had the usual squabbles, which seemed never-ending, Ronald screamed at them.  This hurt everyone.  Sara tried to keep them out of Ronald's way, but, well, they were children and didn't remember.  Everyone was on edge most of the time.  Sara was just plain tired.

Finally, one evening before bed, Ronald sarcastically announced to Sara, "I'm just your paycheck!"  Sara was stunned.  The man she married would have never thought that.  Besides, she earned a little bit of money herself.  She denied it, "What on earth are you thinking, Ron?  You know that's not true!"  But no, Ron believed it.

Lessons learned:  No couple, no matter how passionately they felt when they first married, can sustain the same passion forever.  Love can grow, the fire of passion still can burn, but not as wildly.  Children (or, careers, for that matter) will need attention and they will aggravate each other nearly the whole time they're growing up, just like puppies.  Couples need to work together on child discipline, perhaps limit their activities so every minute is not programmed - children need time to ponder and re-group, just like adults do.

Parents need (NEED!) time for 'dates.'  There were two of them when they started out, there will be just two when all the children have left home.  If they don't make an effort to communicate, to enjoy activities together, they WILL grow apart as the years go on.

In this particular situation, Ronald let his bad feelings of being left out go on too long.  When something is wrong, address it immediately and gently.  It won't get better if left alone.

When the "I'm just a paycheck" ultimatum surfaced, Sara suggested counseling.  Ron refused, "Nothing's wrong with me!"  Sara suggested they just take a long weekend together and go somewhere alone.  Ron was all for that.  It turned out to be a disaster.  They really had separate interests and neither had fun.

Outcome:  Sara got counseling for herself. She got the children involved in some of the housework and learned to make simple meals that took less prep time.  But she found she couldn't take Ronald's horrible screaming at the children together with his refusal to lift a finger around the house.  Eventually, Sara left Ronald.  He was stunned!

Several years later, I asked Sara if she regretted leaving Ronald since they had a very hard time financially, at first.  She firmly replied, "Absolutely not.  He killed my love with his meanness.  We're all better off now."

The Take-away for Us:  Periodically, relationships need 'check-ups,' just to see if both parties are still on the same page.  There is no substitute for honest communication.  "Please, ____  and ____  needs to be done tonight. Would you please do one of those things so I won't be up half the night?"  "Are we having a harder time with the finances?  Should I get a full-time job?"  "Or would you suggest that I quit so I can get all the housework stuff done in the daytime?"  "I'm just exhausted from work tonight and I'm in a bad mood.  Would you mind if I just shut the door and watched TV by myself for a couple of hours?"  We must make our needs known.  We must, both of us, make SACRIFICES at times!  A happy family is worth risking the honesty of good communication!

We pray to the Lord: we know you want our families to be loving and happy.  Let us slow down enough to figure out what activities are important.  Please help us figure out what's important, what's not.  Help us model Your Love!