The Grieving Friend or Spouse

Situation:  Janelle, a close friend, and I were talking about grief.  She shared that some years ago, she had experienced a miscarriage.  The baby was two months along.  Having gone to her doctor once, she knew she was pregnant.  She relates, "I had been spotting for several days.  Then all of a sudden, I passed this pinkish-grey mass and knew what it was, the baby.  I took it and baptized it because that's what my religion says to do.  Realizing what had happened, I felt dizzy for a few seconds, just like my world had collapsed.  I felt certain that I had lost a little boy.  I tried very hard to get back into the swing of things but I couldn't.  I was mildly depressed for several months."

Janelle barely had time to know she was pregnant, let alone, tell the whole world.  Other than her doctor, Janelle told no one except her husband, Gabe.  He just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh, well."  No comforting words or hugs were given.  So Janelle grieved alone.

Lessons learned:  How lonely it is to grieve by yourself!  What could Gabe have said?  Perhaps, "I'm so sorry," would be the minimum to express caring.  He could have spared a few hugs, after all, it was his child, too.

It's very awkward to have a friend or spouse grieve.  We never seem to find the right words.  We want to express our caring and also don't want to say the wrong thing.  At least, we could say, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Sometimes actions speak louder than words.  In Grandma's time, the community showed their caring by bringing great volumes of food to the grieving one's house after the funeral for the relatives who were bound to linger.  Now, this function is done by the many churches who have a dinner for the funeral attendees after the funeral.  How caring!

But we can't let it go there.  After a few weeks, we need to call that friend and ask if they might like us to visit or come with us to a certain event.

Recently, I suffered a deep loss.  After a few days, I thought of the 'Stages of Grief' presented by Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross some years ago: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, and 5) Acceptance.  I can attest that I suffered with every stage but am getting used to "Acceptance."  I felt so grateful for friends and family who deeply cared and showed it!

Losses can be great or small.  They can affect different persons in different ways.  Kubler-Ross said that from Stage 1 through 5 is not necessarily a straight path.  You may progress for a while and then regress. But having support definitely helps the grieving person.

Outcome:  Janelle has never forgot about the lost child and has named him.  She expects to see him waiting for her in heaven!  As for her husband, in time she discovered the reality that not only did he not love her, he was incapable of loving.  The marriage did not last.

Our Take-Away on This:  It's never wrong to show you care!