When I used to sew for people, one day a widow came to my door to pick up a dress I had altered. She apologized as she wiped the tears from her face, "I'm sorry. I just have bad days. We were married over 60 years. You just don't know bad I feel. I still can't believe he's gone." Yes, she was correct; I have no concept of how it would be to have a good marriage for many years.
My friend, Paula, had a difficult marriage for over 20 years. Her husband, Nicholas, had been depressed for years but 'didn't believe in doctors.' Paula prayed, "God, please help us. If I'm ever a widow, give me something to grieve about." Not too long after that, Nicholas couldn't stand it any more and consulted his family physician. The doctor immediately prescribed an anti-depressant medication. Nicholas started feeling much better. Paula and Nicholas, together with their teenagers, had a wonderful family life from then on. Without warning, before his 50th birthday, Nicholas had a heart attack and died. Suddenly, Paula was grieving. She still treasures those beautiful years with Nicholas.
When our friends and family or even co-workers are suffering from the death of a loved one, or from their own illness, they need caring, comfort from us. We try to reach out, to let them know we will help them in any way we can. This is ordinary human kindness. We don't want to 'impose' on them, to create a burden, but sometimes it is better to just offer something specific instead of the generic, "If you need something, just give me a call." Perhaps we could bring over a casserole or restaurant gift certificate. We might visit for a few minutes or offer child care.
We will have times when we are the ones suffering. How do we cope? Do we push others away, put on a stiff face to grin and bear it alone? Just consider: it is a kindness to allow others to help us, if we need help. And, it will help us in our healing.
My dear brother, Steve, fought leukemia for more than two years before he passed away in a distant city three years ago. He staunchly refused to allow anyone, even his wife, to visit him in the hospital. He was hoping for, and the whole family was praying for, a bone marrow transplant. I was tested but the 'match' wasn't good enough. He died due to a severe fall and head injury in his own bathroom at home. To the end, he didn't want anyone to help. Even after death, he distanced us by insisting on a closed-casket funeral. I don't fault Steve, he did what he thought was best. Yet, it would have helped us both if he had allowed us to visit. (Note: he allowed financial contributions and the comic DVDs we sent to cheer him up.) My daughters and I, three nurses, offered to wear all the protective gear we were used to in our hospital but he refused.
Why am I writing about this today? There is a funeral for a gentleman who has been sick for several years. The wind-chill here is twenty degrees below zero! It is dangerous to go out with that and the icy roads. I'm hoping a few people will be able to come and comfort the new widow.
Lord God, we pray, help us to comfort all those we know who need our caring, help us to share our joy and go out of our way to heal the broken-hearted. Help us to allow others to comfort us when we are needy. We know you care for us more than anyone!
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