Situation #1: Irene & Phil were married over twenty years. At the time I met them, they had three teenagers. Phil was a successful businessman, Irene stayed at home. One of Phil's employees embezzled a large sum of cash; it was the domino that toppled Phil's business and he had to declare bankruptcy. Irene couldn't stand it that they would have to start over financially after all those years. She asked her wealthy parents if she and the children could live with them, in a distant state. Next, Irene divorced Phil and quickly moved out before the bank took their house. Phil didn't put up a fight; he was already beaten. But he cried at the thought of not being able to see his children.
Situation #2: Sue and Daniel had been married even longer, with several of their children grown with families of their own. Daniel had always been abusive to Sue starting immediately after they were married. Sue discovered that even she, finally, had limits, and also filed for divorce from Daniel. Sue got a job but felt overwhelmed with taking care of the remaining children, also teenagers. She asked her parents if she and the children could live with them, also in a distant state. Daniel fought the divorce in every way he could, even refusing to pay child support.
Lessons learned: Perhaps the true test of family closeness is what happens if one of the members asks for help, particularly financial help. Some parents of adults give so much help they create dependency. Others wouldn't spare a dime. And most are somewhere on the spectrum in between those extremes. It's impossible to say what each set of parents should have done but here's what actually happened.
Situation #1: Irene's parents never thought Phil was a good provider even though, at one time, he was a millionaire. They had been sending Irene extra money on the side for her entire marriage. "Oh yes, come now, Irene, we'd love to have you and the kids live with us. You don't need him." All Phil had left was an old, beat-up car and an attic apartment he negotiated with the bank to use for three years while he tried to get a job.
Situation #2: Sue's parents were happy to see her finally take some initiative to divorce Daniel; they always thought he was a jerk. But they couldn't stand the thought of noisy children living in their quiet (extremely large) house. They told Sue, "Sorry, we just don't have room." It was difficult, but Sue managed financially after the court had child support taken out of Daniel's wages.
Outcome: Daniel eventually remarried, happily. None of the other three involved has remarried - yet.
What's your opinion about how the parents involved handled these crises?
Lord, sometimes divorce happens, no matter how hard one of the couple tries to prevent it. Sometimes the whole family is better off without an abusive parent. Please give us the wisdom to deal with divorce when it happens in our families! Help us be kind and loving but never enabling.
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