My dear friend, Kimberly, lived at home while she attended college. In the house were also her mom and dad, one younger sister, and her grandparents. When I knew her, Kimberly's grandparents were in their 90's. They had both lived there for about twelve years; both were nearly blind and both could barely walk, one with a cane, the other with a walker. It was a lovely family.
After a few years, Kimberly's grandfather passed away; within one month, her grandmother also passed away. I thought that now, Kimberly's mother, Patricia, deserved a life of her own; she had virtually devoted her whole life to her parents the entire time they lived with her.
But Patricia was devastated by her loss. After two weeks, she could no longer function. She had a physical and mental breakdown. She ended up in bed, unable to do anything but cry. The family took her to a psychiatric hospital emergency room. She was admitted and stayed there for one month.
Even though Kimberly's mother knew that eventually her parents would die, she had no life of her own, no interests, no hobbies, no friends. All she knew was caring for her parents and cleaning the house. She never asked for help and none was offered. Looking back, the family would have either got someone to help out Patricia or asked if the grandparents would be willing to live in a nursing home. No one wanted to see Patricia suffer with sever depression.
As a former nursing home nurse, I can tell you that families - even with 5 or more children - have a very hard time sharing care of a sick or debilitated elder. Yes, they love them dearly. Yes, they know "momma said she didn't want to be 'put' in a nursing home." Yes, nursing home or in-home care is expensive. Spouses, especially, think they can care for a sick husband or wife at home. Yet they are nearly the same age! I've seen it over and over again that the spouse who gives the care is just worn out and will suffer a major illness either before or shortly after the ill spouse dies. Some caretakers will ask for help; some won't.
If the 'help' involves sitting with a bedridden elder, that is possible for nearly everyone to do. If, however, it involves taking care of a person with dementia, that is a different matter entirely. It's so much better if a very sick one is in the nursing home; then the caretaker can visit, daily, if they would prefer, and not wear themselves out!
Patricia recovered and did find a new life. She re-discovered her husband and daughters. And she made new friends.
Lord, sometimes we think we can do it all! Please let us know when to ask for help, or when to give help. We thank you, Healer of us all!
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