Our Children Learning From Us

A bunch of us friends were sitting around the other day.  All had been married and divorced at least once, and several were in their second or third marriage.  We talked about what we would have done "if only we had known" before we married, in those which ended up in divorce.  No one would have married the spouse who turned out to be a louse!

What were common themes?  If a spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict, there's virtually no chance of a successful marriage.  I know of only one friend out of dozens who had married alcoholics, or whose spouses became alcoholics after marriage, who was still married to the one and only spouse.  Also, if one spouse cheats on another, there's virtually no chance of the marriage lasting much longer.  Again, I know only one friend out of dozens whose spouse cheated on them who is still married to the original spouse.  Those are very, very bad odds!

While you can't with 100% accuracy predict who will turn into substance abusers or cheaters after marriage, you can notice who drinks too much and who 'has a wandering eye' before marriage.  There is one thing we need to be emphasizing to our children: the best predictor of future behavior is PAST BEHAVIOR!!  Never think that because they see us in a bad marriage, see all the pain of any kind of abuse, that they will learn!  If we put up with abusive behaviors, the children WILL LEARN how to abuse and how to be a victim!  We have seen this over and over in our children's marriages and, sad to say, also in their divorces.

It is true that often girls marry someone like their fathers and boys marry women like their mothers.  That is why it is so critical that we outright tell them to never tolerate abuse and also that WE NEVER TOLERATE ABUSE!  Prevention is so very much easier than the cure.

It's a rare young person who will ask one or both of his or her parents, "What do you think of ----- (potential wife or husband)?"  Sorry to say, it is also rare that a mother or father will answer with wisdom.  Instead, the young marry too young without any guidance from us because we have not yet established a loving, adult relationship with them.

What should we do if an adult child is considering marrying or is living with someone we know is definitely "bad news?"  Most of us will, and have, remained silent. We don't want to alienate our child by pointing out the potential hazards of his or her 'choice.'  And we watch them enter into a predictably tragic liason with predictably tragic results, sometimes extending to their children.

What if we acted courageously and told them, "Look, I don't want to meddle in your business but I would like to comment on --- as a potential mate.  He (or she) has some good qualities (if that's true) but this one thing (substance abuse, lack of work ethic, etc.) may make life miserable for you, and any children you may have, in the future.  I love you and feel you deserve better." At least, it will give them something to think about.  At best, they will avoid the misery of having to divorce an abusive partner.  It would help us to pray before we begin!!

Lord, when it comes to our adult children, we know we have to be careful when we criticize.  Give us the raw guts to carefully and gently and rarely give good advice to our adult children. Thank you, O Wisdom of the Universe!