Negotiating Compatibility, #5: The Number of Children

Deciding the number of children desired by any couple is a very highly personal matter.  First of all, children are ideally the highest blessing, the result of love between and husband and wife.  They are never 'mistakes,' although there are plenty of 'oops' pregnancies.  There is no 'right' to a baby.  Some couples who we know would be wonderful parents never conceive; it is so thoughtless to comment negatively when we don't know the pain they may be experiencing.

Much depends on the health of the parents, particularly the mother.  Some women have children without any difficulty.  Others are more fragile.

Perhaps this would be a good time to also mention the other end of the spectrum: those who have many children.  I, personally, grew up in an era when large families were common.  My best friends came from families of 13, 13, and 7 children.  Back then, children were certainly a blessing.  I, also, desired a large family.  I was blessed with relatively easy pregnancies, a husband with a steady job, and, by the grace of God, ended up with exactly what I wanted: ten children.  He also wanted exactly ten children.  We agreed on this while we were still engaged.

You would not believe the comments from folks who should know better I heard over the years: "Do they each have their own beds?"  (of course)  "You mean you have a dishwasher?"  (yes, we saved and bought one!)  "From your own body?"  (what else?)  "Did they have the same father?"  (to be sure). "Well, we know what you do all the time!" (quite wrong!).  "Aren't you worried about wearing a bikini?" (obviously not)  Then they all proceeded to tell me about certain of their relatives who had large families.

The point of this is that couples contemplating marriage and family need to discuss this before marriage.  There is no option here.  For the sake of your future family, both people need to agree on the number of children desired.  They might end up with more children, or fewer - or none at all, but they need to know what are the hopes and expectations of their future spouse.

My friend, Louise, had an extremely difficult first marriage.  She and Will never discussed having children before marriage.  She assumed that Will wanted children.  Turned out Will wanted NO children at all, ever.  For several years, things were fine between them until their birth control failed and Louise became pregnant.  Will was nasty, accused Louise of all sorts of lies.  When the baby was born, Will would not help care or in any way be involved with the baby.  They divorced before the baby reached three years old.  A wise person NEVER ASSUMES ANYTHING!

Lord, you know what a selfish, baby-discarding culture we live in.  Please help us value and love all children, the ones we are blessed with, and those of others who need our help.