Crossing the Line

What does it take for one spouse to make the final, horrible, gut-wrentching decision, "there is no hope for my marriage to be satisfying in any way; I'm finished, I will seek a divorce?"  There are so many spouses that for years and years will 'put up with' a lot of bad behavior, out-of-control temper, even drunkenness and cheating, along with so much verbal abuse.  What is it that sends them over the line, being finished with hope for any kind of peace in their relationships?

For Leanna, it was her husband accusing her of cheating and making it public.  She didn't want the children hurt any more, made fun of by their friends, so immediately filed for divorce.  Funny how he remarried rather quickly!

For Gina, it was a trip to Disney World with just her children.  She knew that not only was her marriage nearly over, she knew that when they divorced, she would seek an annulment.  Her husband, Glen, was abusive in every way except directly hitting her and that he threatened. But she hung on too long.  At Disney she saw plenty of nasty-tempered men screaming at their tired, over-stimulated children in the 95 degree Florida sun.  Then she knew her husband for what he was: an abuser of their children also. She had begged him for years to go to counseling.  Now it was too late. She decided when they returned, she would file for divorce, and she did.

For Betsy, and many, many other spouses, it was actually their children who told them to leave their husbands or wives, before they got killed!  Most gathered the strength to divorce.  I know only one woman who stayed with her drunken husband. Eventually he got 'on the wagon' and is still there. But the family paid a heavy price - extreme poverty all those years when he could barely find work - for a short time.

My young friend, Denise, knows she needs to divorce her husband, Terry, because of his never-ending temper.  Yet she has no skills and can't support herself and the children.  Sometimes she is advised to immediately go to a shelter but she has not done it yet.

For Kurt, his wife made the decision for him.  She just left him and their children and went to 'find herself.'  I don't know if she ever did.  The last I heard, she was living with a Chinese man.  Kurt has remarried a lovely woman. She's the second woman I knew that did that.

Why do so many in bad situations hang in there for way too long?  There are many reasons: women with no job skills figure that being poverty would be worse than staying with the husband.  For those living with cheating spouses, they hope the children, parents, and friends don't find out and try to maintain a face that says, "We're really happy, you know!"

But most of the reason is that they might still have a shred of hope and also a shred of love left.  They 'cross the line' to a divorce decision when the hope is gone and the love is gone also.

It takes an extreme amount of emotional energy to maintain that happy face when you're really dying inside.  If a marriage is that bad, what is happening is bad for the abuser, bad for the abused, but worse for the children who are getting custom, daily lessons in How To Abuse and How to Be the Victim.  Is staying worth it?

Dear Lord, you know there is such pain in the world, all of it caused by each other, with all of us contributing at some times.  Help us deal with this, learn, and spare our children as much pain as is possible!