Several men I know have recently been 'dumped' by their long-time 'girlfriends.' They are crushed, beyond belief, have not accepted that this is a permanent situation, and are terribly, terribly hurting. This, of course, happens to women, but this time it's two men.
We who are their friends could see it coming, for years, the question was, "When? When, exactly, would the women get finally tired of the poor treatment from the men and get the strength to leave?" Both of the men were dating wonderful, beautiful, talented, fine women.
One time my dad observed my young brothers noisily scuffling on the floor. They were always scuffling on the floor. Dad hollered at them, "You all just can't stand prosperity, can you?" In other words, the boys just couldn't play peacefully.
This may be the way it is in relationships, at least with certain folks. If they're dating really nice, loving, accepting, fun people, they're not happy. They're much happier - although they don't know it - dating a jerk that will treat them meanly. Why is that? Maybe, deep inside, they don't feel they deserve to be loved.
We can't forget that the women who ended the relationships are also hurting. In fact, they've been hurting for a long time, hurting from the poor treatment by the men. Yes, they weren't completely honest with the men, at least toward the 'end,' because it's very, very hard to decide that there is NO HOPE for a permanently loving relationship, and that the time has come to end it. This decision is made in pain, and, because of pain, lots of pain. But the women also knew the men very well, knew that they had to make the break at the right time, that the men would be insanely angry.
Recovering from a broken, ended relationship of any duration and any depth is difficult. It is real grieving. As one of the men told me, "You know, if she had died, I could have got over it easier than this. I think of her and think there's still hope." They are both unable to accept that the end is THE END.
Years ago, I realized that I was once again crying and grieving for hours and off and on for days and weeks over a lost relationship. I decided that I was very, very tired of suffering. I knew that I had to feel the hurt in order to recover and go on in my life. But I decided I would limit the intense period of grieving to a particular time. Thus was born my TWO HOUR RULE: I will allow myself two hours, and two hours only, of hurting and crying uncontrollably. After that, I will stop, dust myself off, wash my face, be grateful for all the good friends I have, and do the best I have to continue my life. Sure, I will feel sad but I won't wallow in my sadness! I haven't thought to mention this to these two men whom I also love, but I think the time has come.
Next "Stop Twisted Love" blog: Rejected #2: Stalking!
Dear God, we would love to be loved by the ONE we love, and by all our friends, for the rest of our lives. When this doesn't work out, You know how stunned and hurt we are. Help us, above all, accept reality when our close friendships don't work out. Help us know that we have done everything in our power to be a loving person. Please, Lord, comfort us and help us comfort each other when we are hurting.
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