Negotiating Compatibility, #7: Church

Of all the items about which a new couple needs to agree, "Church" is critical.  We all come to relationships with an idea of our wants and needs in every area.  Our expectations of how the other person is supposed to behave also play a part in this.  If both parties are either 'hot' or 'cold' about religion, there seems to be no problem.  'Hot' means that a person is very committed to a particular religion, a way to worship, and the amount of daily or weekly time and resources given to church attendance.  'Cold' means that both members really don't care about any religious practices.  You often hear them say, "Well, I believe in God, but I can pray to him anywhere, in a field, etc."

The real problem comes, sooner or later, if one person loves church attendance, has a lot of church friends, goes to services once or twice or week or more frequently, and even may enjoy "holy reminders" (pictures, statues, candles, etc.) around the house, and the other person sees absolutely no importance in all this.

You could have a friendship with a person who differs significantly with your views but attempting a marriage would make your life difficult!  I've heard so very many people say, "I love my wife (or husband) but she never will come to church with me and I feel so lonely!"  Such a person may try to actively 'convert' their husband or wife to the religion which they so treasure.  This also may cause problems untold!

Here again, the answer is simple.  First, you have to know your own mind.  What is really important to you?  Before a commitment, you MUST find out the other person's practices and preferences.  Hopping into marriage without an understanding of this and other critical areas is immature and foolish!  Love does NOT cure all ills!  You can never ASSUME what the other person feels unless you ask!

Religion and church attendance is an area that you can't love a person into doing nor can you guilt a person into doing, your way.

Another serious problem happens if both persons have a good understanding about religion before marriage and then one of them joins a different religion, or perhaps a religion for the first time. It won't take long for fireworks to start!

Years ago, my friend, Jen, and her husband, Clayton, felt no need to go to church, ever.  Neither had been raised going to church and they didn't see why they should start.  They had several lovely children and Jen met her nice neighbors.  Then Jen felt 'called' to their church and started attending several times a week.  This absolutely enraged Clayton.  He told her, "You better stop this - now!"

Jen felt she needed to go to church, to worship the Lord. And she took their children.  Clayton did everything he could to stop her, including locking her in the house at times.  You can imagine: this marriage didn't last long.  One day, when Jen and the children were locked in the bedroom, she called the police, climbed out a window to escape Clayton, and went to a 'safe' house for abused women.  Several years later, Jen met and married a nice gentleman who attended her church.

Dear Lord, in our quest for satisfying relationships, lead us to worship you wholeheartedly, without reserve!  Lead us to find people who believe what we believe!