Situation: Marnie was a young professional woman in her mid-thirties, dating Jude, another young professional about the same age. They were both divorced, both having children they shared joint custody with their ex-spouses. Maintaining their own households, after two years they seriously talked about marriage, but there was a third person who seemed to be also in the equation: Jude's mother, Frances.
Although Frances and Jude's father lived in another town, Marnie and Jude always took his children to family holidays in his parents' town, while Marnie's children went to their father's house. Right from their first meeting, Frances was noticeably cold to Marnie. This hurt Marnie but she thought she'd give Frances time to get used to her.
Over time, Marnie came to know that Frances still maintained a friendship with Jude's ex-wife. Frances also was practically best friends with her other sons' wives, none of whom were divorced. This hurt Marnie also. Was she destined to be 'the outsider' forever? Jude's dad seemed to accept Marnie but didn't say much.
Lessons learned: You cannot earn or buy or deserve another's friendship. Probably Frances would never be friendly or even cordial to Marnie. What was her game? Did she hope that Jude would get re-married to his ex-wife? Perhaps.
Another factor: Frances and Jude lived in a small rural town on a farm. I hesitate to stereotype a category of people, but it has been my experience, after living a total of 36 years in 3 separate very small towns, that it is their pattern of living to not only not accept outsiders, but to shun outsiders. Why is that? One woman actually told me, "You big-city people just come and go. It's not worth my time." They have seen many leave after 2 or 3 years.
How long does it take to feel like you 'belong' in a small town? I would estimate close to 10 years! What does the 'new' person do in the meantime, for social life?: mostly associate with other 'newbies.' That's why 'Newcomers' clubs proliferate.
Is there anything that might help Frances consider that Marnie is now Jude's choice and she should treat her more kindly? The men! If Jude and his dad would take Frances aside and tell her that Marnie is going to be a part of the family, they love Marnie and would like to see Frances appreciate Marnie, that might help. But: they don't act like strong men - they appear to have no backbone. Frances probably already made the decision to never accept anyone except Jude's ex-spouse.
What could help Marnie? She could change her attitude. Why is she so desperate for Frances to love her? Why does she seem to need Frances' approval? And why doesn't Jude insist that Frances behave cordially toward his girlfriend?
Outcome: It is unknown how long Marnie will put up with this situation. I wonder that she continues to allow herself to be hurt every time she goes with Jude to his relatives' home.
Our take-away: It is not only the small-town people who either ignore or are unkind and mean to new people. I've been in plenty of meetings where a new person just sits alone, until a kind person makes him or her feel welcome. And, if you're considering a person to be either a friend or a spouse, see how kind the person is. This is how they'll treat you in the future! Have enough self-esteem to associate with kind people! We must go out of our way to make each and every person in every situation FEEL WELCOME! This is what God expects of us: "Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, that you do unto me."
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