Grains of Sand

During this last week at the beach, my thoughts have wandered to basic, ordinary elements: sand, water, clouds.  Sometimes a relationship can be like grains of sand in your shoes.  At first, you notice something small that is bothering you.  But if you let the aggravation continue, it may morph into a pointed rock that cuts you with every step!

Since all of us are not perfectly mature, reasonable, and loving people at every moment of every day, we have to expect that certain habits of others will bother us.  To be sure, try as we might, some of our habits will bother those with whom we are the closest.

SO: which stupid, childish, nasty habits of others will we ignore and which will we try to mention to our friend or spouse?  First, this is a very delicate matter!  If we find some long-standing behavior in another that is absolutely intolerable, we need to plan how and when to discuss things.  Directly attacking a person for life-long behavior is unlikely to have the effect we want, namely, that the behavior is immediately stopped.  A quiet time to talk over important concerns is optimal.

Secondly, we must contemplate our OPTIONS.  There are always a number of options for any situation.  If we're ever stuck and can't think of several different ways to solve a problem, we need to talk with someone we trust.  

Let's consider the spouse who is either loose with money, spending much too freely on what we consider frivolous items or one who 'forgets' to write down checks written in a joint account resulting in an overdrawn account, perhaps with penalties from the bank.

The wise use of money/income is very important, critical in a marriage!  Disaster results if one spouse decides to be or is allowed to be irresponsible.

Although the following option worked for my dear departed grandparents, I would not recommend it: Grandpa gave all of his pay directly to Grandma.  She gave him only change for trolley fare to work.  Grandma 'stretched' this to meet all necessities and then some.  This was clearly necessary in their drastic times of the Great Depression of the 1930s.  But then, perhaps in families today in which a spouse has lost a job or been laid off, it might be a good option.

Another way to solve the problem of a spouse who, in reality, is spending irresponsibly, might be separate bank accounts.  I have seen two couples literally end up in bankruptcy because of over-spending for years by wives that was not curbed.  In another family, the wife is currently the breadwinner and the husband tends to overspend for his 'toys.'  She has wisely told him to return some wildly extravagantly items.

Please keep in mind that IT TAKES TWO GROWN-UPS FOR A MARRIAGE TO WORK, LONG-TERM!  Grown-ups can reasonably discuss issues that bother them without either attacking or feeling attacked if delicate matters must be addressed.

You men might bring up common practices of your wives that are bothersome, that we women need to work on ending.  There is one habit of many husbands that is universally mildly peevish: dropping dirty clothes and wet bathroom towels everywhere.  One wife said that early in their marriage, she point-blank told her husband, "Well, I guess your mother never taught you how to pick up after yourself!"  This was uncharacteristically sarcastic of her and, I guess, shocked the man into being neat.

One option is always choosing to ignore the offending behavior, you know, don't sweat the small stuff!  Only you can decide whether that thing in your shoe is a grain of sand or a boulder!

Dear God, we want to be kind and loving but sometimes need to not be enabling destructive behaviors in those who are important to us.  Please give us courage and the right words to say when we need to discuss important issues!  We thank you!