Who Does Venting Benefit?

The absolute hands-down worst boss I had in my working life was Mary Lou.  She would come up in my face and rip me apart verbally with lies.  For a few months, I churned inside and just listened.  There was no defense.  I was determined to survive in the job and I'm glad I held my tongue.  I found out that she 'vented' on all her employees at one time or another, for no reason.  Then when she came at me, I didn't feel bad; I knew that whatever she said, had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Mary Lou was definitely overworked in her job.  That was no excuse for her bully behavior.  Fortunately for us all, she didn't last as manager and moved far away.  We never heard another word from her or about her.

Plenty of people think it's not only acceptable but healthy behavior to "let it all hang out," namely, to tell all of their 'bad' feelings, whatever is bothering them.  This may make the person venting momentarily feel better, but what about those who listen?  Now the listeners are left upset.  And the frustrations that led to the 'venter' unloading bad feelings haven't dissipated.

I've known and witnessed many men and women who vent on their spouses or children.  This seems to be so common that no one thinks another thing about it.

What we all need to learn to do is to EXPRESS OUR FEELINGS APPROPRIATELY; that includes both good and bad feelings.  It is common that the angry bully-venter has very little capacity for showing love and kindness.

I have a confession: I was brought up to be a door-mat, a person taking everything, a person totally UNABLE TO EXPRESS ANGER.  As a young adult, I couldn't even feel anger.  It all seems strange now. After a few years and a few children, I realized that my family was taking advantage of me.  They thought they could get away with anything (petty stuff, just aggravating) and good-ole-mom wouldn't do a thing. At once I knew what the real problem was: they had never seen me angry.  And I thought that there are some things that should make a mother angry.

So I determined to appear angry when it was appropriate.  At the next opportunity, I expressed my anger by screaming and slamming kitchen doors loudly.  I let the offending parties know their behavior would not be tolerated.  End of problem.  In time, I learned to feel anger and express it appropriately.

The bottom line on feelings is that we really can't help our feelings.  We CAN help how and when we express them!  We choose what we wish to express.

Take anger, for example.  There is no way any one person could express anger at every single petty or grand frustration in life.  He or she would probably be angry 100% of their day.  Yet they choose to be angry at particular situations.  They may tell you, "You know how to push my buttons!"  But no, it is the angry person who chooses when to express that anger.  Does this make sense?

If you are a person who frequently gets vented on (by someone other than a boss who controls your paycheck!), you have the power to change things.  Try this at the next chance you get: listen quietly, the way you always have, until the venter is finished.  Then ask, "Do you realize how I feel when you accuse me of  - - - -?  This is not fair and I won't listen any more."  Perhaps the venter never thought how hurtful he or she was.  Then ask, " What exactly is your problem?  Maybe we can talk about it."

Doing something new is definitely worth a try.  Just remember, if you don't like the way your relationship is going, by changing yourself or your behavior, the relationship WILL change!

Handling/expressing our feelings is a major part of each and every relationship we have!

Dear Lord, we always have something new to learn about creating and maintaining good relationships.  Help us pay attention, to others and to our own feelings.  Please remind us that our goal is to have healthy, loving relationships.