Words as Knives

Situation:  Tiffany and Frank have been having marital problems for all of their married lives.  Tiffany just hung on, thinking that if she could be a better person, have a better figure, keep the house cleaner, be as quiet as possible, that Frank would show his love for her.  Now the kids are teenagers and things between them have become, well, unbearable.

While Frank has always, since after the wedding, been very cold to her, Tiffany learned to deal with it.  Tiffany told herself, "I guess I'm just over-sexed."  Frank is now increasingly short-fused, angry, not only with Tiffany, but also with the children.  Always and forever putting her down, Frank has now started to criticize the children's every move.  He can never talk to any of them without getting them into tears.

Tiffany didn't have much education and thought that abuse involved beating someone up.  When "Domestic Violence" first was an item in the news, Tiffany knew: she was being abused.  But it was only herself taking the verbal beatings, day after day.  She told herself that she was a strong person, that what she heard as as child was true, "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me."

One night, things took a turn for the worse.  Frank was lying on the couch, watching TV.  Tiffany just poked her head into the living room to see what was on TV.  Frank shouted out, nastier than she had ever heard him, "You're a lousy mother!"  Tiffany didn't know what to say.  Frank had never said this before.  She was crushed to her heart.  Of all the things in her life, Tiffany had tried her very best to raise her children.  She was so proud of them!  They all did well in school.

Lessons learned:  Fortunately, it's out in the open: hitting someone is abuse, threatening someone is abuse, cutting people up with words is also abuse, verbal abuse.  Abuse can also be financial and sexual.  Abuse is ALWAYS WRONG!  The victims don't cause abuse.  The abuser has made a conscious decision to abuse!  Another thing out in the open: ABUSE ALWAYS ESCALATES!!  In time, the abuse will get worse.

Any victim of abuse needs help.  The physical abusers are overwhelmingly men; it makes sense that they are stronger and can do this.  Other types of abusers may be male or female.  The bottom line is: once you recognize you are being abused, get help!

Since many victims of abuse hide the abuse, hoping it will go away, it is difficult for an onlooker to recognize this abuse.  If you suspect abuse, indeed, medical professionals are taught to recognize the signs of abuse, talk to the victim and see if you might help.

To my way of thinking, the worst fallout from an abuse situation is that, by witnessing this abuse, children are taught how to abuse and how to be victims.  The violence is passed down to another generation.

Outcome:  This final insult gave Tiffany the strength to leave the marriage.  When she had informed Frank that she was leaving him and the date of the court hearing, she told him, "I thought about this for years, then when you told me I was a lousy mother, I made a list."  She showed him the list.  On one side of the paper was "Reasons to stay in the marriage."  These included: 1) Divorce is against our religion, 2) I don't know if we could survive financially with two households, 3) none of our family or friends know we're having problems, 4) it would be hard on the children, and 5) it would be a shock to the community.

On the other side of the paper, opposite "Reasons to stay in the marriage" was the column, "Reasons to leave." There was one sentence opposite each of the five reasons to stay, "When I see you, I SEE PAIN."

After the divorce, Tiffany had nightmares about Frank's abuse for months.  In time, the nightmares were less frequent.  Finally, they went away.  This was one of the divorces in which everyone benefited, even Frank, although he would never admit it.  He hated being married. 

Our Take-away on this:  If we recognize abuse, the least we could do would be to be very kind and suggest counseling.  To educate yourself on Domestic Violence, please refer to this blog, Sunday, August 3, 2013, "Very, very important recommendation."  The book will help everyone deal with abuse. 

God wants us to love our neighbor as ourselves.  This includes educating ourselves on how we can help!