Snuffing Love

Think of a burning candle: you could take a big breath and, with one puff, blow it out.  Or, you could slowly deprive it of air or fuel and it could take a long time to extinguish.  This is the story of two couples, when love died.  The stories are true but the names are changed to protect the guilty.

Situation #1:  Roseanne and Vincent were the classical abused woman/victim and abuser, although they didn't know it at the time.  Roseanne had no degrees beyond high school and was a good housewife, taking care of the children, the house, volunteering at church at times, with a large circle of girlfriends.

Vincent was a true jerk and in true jerk style, he thought he was Mr. Wonderful.  HE earned ALL the money.  HE paid ALL the bills.  HE made ALL the decisions.  Roseanne started out in the marriage as a strong woman but Vincent quickly cut her down to size with daily criticism.  Nothing Roseanne did was EVER good enough for him.

Once Roseanne tried extra hard to clean up the house and was proud of her work.  Vincent came home, came in the door and sneered, "Guess you didn't do anything today."

Roseanne held out hope for many years that he would return to the charming man to whom she had once been engaged.  But with every snakebite of a comment from Vincent, her love for him died, just a little bit more.

Situation #2:  Connie and Rich were a younger couple who always fought.  One problem was that Rich had an incredibly volatile and huge temper.  EVERYTHING SET HIM OFF!  They were both educated and both had jobs.  Rich was a big man who liked to kick furniture and punch holes in walls when something 'made' him mad.  Connie and the children were afraid of him.

And then Rich would not lift a finger to help with housework or childcare. Connie was absolutely exhausted at times.  Rich would whine if she didn't feel particularly romantic at all times of the day and night.

Lessons learned:  The popular feeling is "True Love Never Dies."  Not so!  These women would have turned themselves inside out if it helped their men treat them better.  Their love was killed, crushed.  Problem was, and it took both women years to discover this: the men WERE NOT CAPABLE OF LOVE.  No one could say whether this was a 'choice' on their part or if they never were loved as a child or what.

Looking back, Roseanne recalled that when they were dating, when she thought she was making a choice, say, of which movie or restaurant they would visit, she was just choosing one of two or three choices Vincent had already made.  Also, while Vincent never criticized her, Roseanne heard him criticize nearly everyone else.  These should have alerted her to, "back off," see if this is a pattern with him.  If so, drop the jerk!

Looking back, Connie saw a nasty side of Rich when they were almost ready for their wedding.  Their church had pre-wedding lessons for engaged couples.  To be married in her church, they both had to attend.  Rich went on and on, "I just don't see why I have to go, this is stupid, they can't teach me anything, do I have to go?"  Connie felt it would be valuable and he didn't want her mad so he went.  That should have alerted her, "What's going on here?  He should come to this if I think it's important."  Another alert: back off, give the relationship more time. See how he reacts to other requests from her.  If he's equally nasty, drop the jerk!

Outcome #1:  Finally depressed to the point of nearly taking her own life, Roseanne got counseling, saw a lawyer, made plans to end the marriage.  At one point, after the final date was set, Vincent told her, "But I still love you."  She had not heard these words for many, many years, and came to feel he really didn't know how to love.  She told him, "I guess that will be your cross," then proceeded to finalize the divorce.

Outcome #2:  Jealous of Connie, Rich kept track of her every move.  One day, Connie was consulting with one of the children's male teachers.  Rich accused Connie of having an affair with the teacher.  Connie denied it and knew it wasn't true.  But Rich went too far: he told everyone they knew what a 'slut' Connie was.  This was too much!  There was no hope!  Connie didn't want their boys to have lessons on "How to Abuse" and didn't want their daughter to have "How to be a Victim" lessons.  She saw a divorce lawyer that week.

Comment:  When love is finally dead, it is a tragedy of universal proportions.  If you are blessed with love, do everything you can to nourish that love.  This is not only love between a man and a woman or between husbands and wives, it can be the love of friends.  It's not hard to nourish love.  But you need face time.  There is no substitute for being with the one you care for.

As has been said before, know that God has loved you before you were conceived by your parents, loves you now, and will always love you.  That is not a small thing!