Dancing Around

Situation:  This could happen between any two adults, any relationship, either or both sexes.  It's High Holiday Season in America, and we like to attend lots of parties and family gatherings.  Gretchen wants to be invited to her friend, Karen's, Christmas party.  Last year, Gretchen came to Karen's party and behaved poorly.  Karen has no intention of inviting her again - ever.  Yet Karen doesn't want to hurt Gretchen's feelings.

They were both telling me their plans for the holidays, separately.  I must be a good listener!  Rule #1 of a good listener: never, ever pass on negative information about anybody to anybody!  Mother always told me: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything."  It has served me well.

Here's what I learned.  Last year, Gretchen and her date came to Karen's party late, brought Karen's giant dog, Toby, stayed too late and ended up more than slightly inebriated (drunk).  This was a total embarrassment to Karen, not to mention the aggravation of the dog which was not well-behaved.

Gretchen asked Karen, "What do you want me to bring to your party this year, Karen?  Chips and dip?  My famous cookie tower?"  Karen waffled around a bit, "I'm not sure I'm having it this year, Gretchen.  We've had a couple of family problems and I think I'll just wait a while to decide."  Meanwhile, Karen is going full tilt buying new decorations and planning the food. And Gretchen doesn't know whether to plan on going to the party or not.  Gretchen mentioned to me, "I think Karen insulted me but I'm not sure.  She said she hadn't decided on having her usual Christmas party this year.  I already know three people who are going!"

Most of us hate unpleasant confrontations and will go out of our way to avoid them.  It is very, very hard to be assertive.  What is assertive?  In plain language, being assertive is saying what you need to say nicely.  In contrast, being passive  is just avoiding the issue entirely and not doing a thing.  Being aggressive is being a bully, forcing your way to get what you want. It's hard to be assertive, depending on your personality!

Lessons learned: How could this particular problem between Karen and Gretchen have been avoided?  First, Karen knew Gretchen took her pet everywhere.  She could have mentioned in a conversation before the party last year that no one was allowed to bring a pet to the party.  Or she could have stopped Gretchen at her front door: "Oh, I'm sorry, Gretchen, some people have allergies.  You'll need to take Toby home."  In addition, last year  Karen could have noticed Gretchen was drinking too much and told her, "I don't want you to get sick.  That's enough, dear."  The Best Time to be assertive is immediately when the problem occurs.  If you let it drag on, the other person will think you accept their behavior.

Outcome:  Unknown, so far.  If I hear what happens at the party, I'll let you know!  It's so great we put so much effort into our holidays.  Let's try not to forget why we celebrate them: whether Christian or Jewish or Muslim, most holidays have a large religious theme, you know, "Keep Christ in Christmas!