The Nitpicker

No, "Nitpicker" is not the name of a bird species, like a "Woodpecker."  A nitpicker is a real live person who can always find something to criticize in you or in me.  Facts are, all of us could do the same.  We are always comparing someone else's behavior to our own sense of what should be right.  We have an opinion on everything.  Yet we're all not 'nitpickers.'  We know when it is appropriate to criticize and when it is appropriate to shut up!

There are movie critics and restaurant critics or 'reviewers' on TV or in the newspapers.  These reviews may be negative but also may be positive reviews.  The nitpickers are always negative.

Elaine was a very busy young mother.  Her house was cluttered yet clean.  Once she tried to make the children, all preschoolers, put their toys away immediately when they were finished playing with them, like her neighbor, Sally.  This lasted one week.  Elaine found that if the children had to be that neat and orderly, only playing with one toy at a time, then having to put it away, they wouldn't play with any of their toys. Elaine would rather have happy children and a cluttered house.

One time Elaine's mother came for her annual visit.  Elaine knocked herself out to get the house clean and even de-cluttered.  She was very proud of her results.  Her mother came in, looked around, and almost sneered, "How can you live this way?"  That was very upsetting!  Of course, mother's house was perfect.  Even when Elaine was growing up, her mother's house was perfect.  But housecleaning was ALL her mother had to do - no job, no committees, etc.  Elaine was then very glad she only had to see her mother once a year!

We need to know both how to GIVE criticism and how to TAKE criticism.  The first rule of criticism is to never take abusive criticism and to never give abusive criticism.  Abuse would be screaming, name-calling, and irrational accusations.  Another world for abusive criticism would be 'venting.'  This is very harmful to the person on the receiving end.  It is also harmful to the abuser in that, although the abuser feels somewhat relieved of whatever anger was building up, he or she will feel guilt in inflicting pain on another.

Let's be extremely, extremely sparing in our use of criticism.  Only openly criticize when you know the person very well, are not trying to be mean, have a legitimate problem with the person's behavior, and can take the person aside privately.  Don't give a lengthy explanation of why you have a problem with what's going on.  Get to the point!  Be kind. Wait for a response.

If your best friend is trying to preserve her garden's best green beans and skips the step about sterilizing the jars, you must be critical!  You don't want your best friend and her family to get food poisoning!

There are words to say anything you want to say, nicely!  If your best friend is wearing an outfit that makes her look horrible and she asks your opinion, you wouldn't want to say, "Well, you look like a big purple grape!"  You might offer, "Blue is really your best color," and ignore the fact that she is horribly overweight and nothing could make her look slim.  In reality, we need to ignore what doesn't hurt a person!

Taking criticism is even harder.  The first thing we must do when criticized, whether fairly or unfairly, is to LISTEN!  Is this a good criticism?  What can we learn?  Let's don't give a knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness!  Let's not be insulted. The person criticizing us probably meant us no harm. Let's talk with the person.  Perhaps we actually could benefit from the criticism.

We don't always have to be right!  We don't want to win all the nitpicking battles and lose the relationship due to unrelenting criticism!

Dear Lord, sometimes we think we know how the world should be run but we're so glad we're responsible for only ourselves!  Help us criticize another if there's no alternative, and then be kind.