Jumping Ship

This is in response to this comment: "I'm new to your blog, and I must say I'm impressed with how prolific and insightful you are.  You approach each situation with utmost care, offer open and not overly opinionated advice.  You view things in a unique and inspiring perspective.  I look forward to reading more in the future as I have time to do so.

I'd like to mention my own situation briefly.  I've been in what I thought was a good relationship for over a decade.  I'm married and we have a child.  Things have always been kinda crazy, at times like the worst roller coaster you wish you could get off but knew would never end.  Even when we were dating.  At one point we had "broken up" for a short period of time, and yet still managed to get back together.  Why, neither of us knows, not even to this day.  Loneliness?  Desperation?  It's uncertain, but it's become a huge regret for both of us.

Now, after some very revealing things became known within the past several months, he wants to throw it all away.  At first it seemed a wise decision, we were planning on being cautious,  approaching things as adults and falling back on friendship to carry us through the turmoil and make things as peaceful as possible.  Let's be honest.  Divorce is not peaceful.

Last month he put up an online dating profile.  .before we had even started filing paperwork.  He claims he did this to avoid the eventual loneliness he knew he would have once we were finally separated and needed "closure."  (By that I'm guessing he means another bed-mate?)  He now has a "girlfriend" whom he met barely two weeks ago.  They're constantly talking whenever he isn't working, have gone on a date and are even planning the next one.  He's become brutally aggressive, borderline violent towards me (but thankfully not towards our child) I'm becoming a shell of the person I once was, and am so numb at this moment.  I hardly recognize myself anymore.

How are we supposed to last through this final process in that "peaceful" manner we once sought out?  Why did we bother staying together this long if we clearly weren't meant to be?  I was raised in a somewhat old fashioned manner in that you find that special someone and that's it - thick and thin, you make it work. All I ever wanted was the cliche quaint house with the white picket fence and happy children running around and a man who I loved . . .who loved me!  no matter what.  I know that things will work out eventually . . .but I'm so confused right now.  Crushed in every way possible.  What should I have done differently?  How an I prevent this kind of heart break in the future and protect myself, and my child from predators like my husband?  I realize this is a lot to ask. . .and quite possibly, there is no answer except that only time will tell.  Regardless.  While I am feeling stable at the moment, I'm uncertain how long I can maintain my composure."

First thing to consider:  Your safety and the safety of your child!  Since your husband is "brutally aggressive, borderline violent" towards you, he needs to be out of your house - NOW!!  Here's what you need to do, without telling him about any of this: talk to a lawyer, if you haven't yet, consider getting an EPO (Emergency Protective Order) to keep him away from you and your child. He'll have to take some clothes, etc., with him.  Don't be in the house alone when he does this, have several male family or friends with you.  Change the locks on all your outside doors.  The greatest time for spousal violence is between the time one person files for divorce and the divorce is final.  Do not compromise!  For your physical safety and mental peace of mind, this has to happen. Also, just because he isn't violent toward your child now doesn't mean that he won't be in the future.  I've seen it happen.

My heart goes out to you!  It is very tough and emotionally draining to decide you need to divorce and then go through with it!  But, in the end, both you and your child will be better off than with such a husband/father.  Your husband has made an irretrievable decision: he has a girlfriend.  He has 'jumped ship' into stormy waters, has no idea where he's headed!  I would like to have the compassion to pity him, but I'm sorry that I can't.  Cheating is always evil, no matter how someone tries to sugar-coat it.

You have been on "the worst roller coaster you wish you could get off but knew would never end."  This is tragic!  It is the slow death of love.  But now, with the new 'girlfriend', your immature husband has effectively killed all love between you with one swath of his emotional sword!

When your husband realizes that, "OMG, I'm going to have to provide some kind of child support for years," you need to be prepared for him to whine, plead, beg, cry (phony), and try to break you down to take him back.  Don't fall for it; he won't change, he'll just try to hide the cheating. Have courage and don't back down.  You deserve better!  And, you don't want your child to have lessons in how to abuse and how to be a victim!

To answer some of your questions:  why do couples stay together when they obviously have serious problems?  Many reasons: at least one of them hopes things will get better, one or both may think they could not find another husband or wife, they might not want to maintain the cost of two households, or, they prefer the familiarity of a bad situation to the unknown future.  No one is all bad, so there were some (but not enough!) good qualities.  Don't forget: it takes TWO people both trying to create and maintain a relationship.

How could this disaster have been prevented?  This is the question of the ages!  You ignored the Giant Red Flag of "at one point we had broken up for a short period of time" and got back together.  After you were married, and especially after you had a child, it's a lot harder to keep things steady.  It takes two committed people.  Life is not easy.  Raising a child is not easy.  But it is a joy if two people try very hard together.

Another thing you need to know: most violence against children (particularly girls) is committed by their mothers' BOYFRIENDS.  That means that in the future, you don't even let your child meet a man you are dating for months and months.  They may be 'nice,' but you don't want your child emotionally attached to a series of men.  And, of course, never, never even think of co-habiting with a man.  This is a potential disaster for your child.


I've never known of a peaceful divorce.  If two couples can divorce like 'friends,' why not stay married?  Be prepared for all sorts of outrageous demands from your husband.  He wants to get off free.  The lawyer and judge will see that justice is done, financially, for you and your child.

You are hurting now, maybe I could reach out through the internet and hug you!  Get your family and friends to do this!  Pray now that God will give you the courage to do what you need to do.  God will never disappoint you, I promise!  You will need time to heal, and you will heal.  Take time to meet yourself, find things you like to do.  Don't date for a while.  You sound like a stable, likeable, great person and great mother!  I predict a really good future for you!

And thank you for the compliment about this blog.