This is in response to a reader's reply for help: "I have been dating my boyfriend who is 40 for 4 years. Within the past year his family stopped talking to me for no reason at all. We are not even engaged. These people are horrible and causing problems in our relationship. I know to ignore them, I try. The hard part is that he still associates with them. No matter what he does bad my family is still cordial to him. Help!!"
Wow! There are many parts to this problem!
1. Your boyfriend is 40 years old but you don't say how old you are. If you're a lot younger, perhaps the family thinks you're a gold digger, or immature. If you're older, maybe they think he should end up with someone younger. It doesn't matter how old or young you are! YOU are his choice, they SHOULD accept you.
2. Dating for 4 years? That seems a long time without getting married. Are you living together? Many families/parents seriously dislike, even condemn, relationships that cohabit. Of course, they would BLAME you!
3. Yes, the family did have a reason for stopping to talk to you. They either dislike you or disapprove or you or both. Another reason may simply be that they are jerks!
4. You are 'not even engaged.' Do you want to be, after 4 years? Dating relationships need to go somewhere: marriage. If your boyfriend is 40 and never been married, perhaps he never wants to be married. You need to know. If you see yourself as been married and he hasn't mentioned marriage, you do it! See 'what his intentions are!' Families used to do this, asking a young man who was dating their daughter, if he intended to marry the girl, just to make sure she wasn't being taken advantage of. Now, YOU need to find out yourself. Don't wait on this: it's really a waste of your time, emotions, even good looks, if you stay in a relationship that will not end in marriage. Don't be one of those 'old maids' who, in their old age, regret staying with a guy for too long, wasting any opportunity to find a mature man who will commit to you!
5. "These people are causing problems in our relationship." No, no, no! These people are NOT causing the problems! Get a grip: your boyfriend is causing the problems by TOLERATING their nasty behavior to you!! He is the primary player in this on-going ABUSE of you!
Life is so much better if you STAY VERY CLOSE TO REALITY! Please take off your blinders and see the guy for what he is: someone who, by tolerating their abuse of you, is actually participating in it!! Now, how do you think of him?
6. "I know how to ignore them. I try." How sad that you would have to do this.
7. "The hard part is that he still associates with them." Now you know: this is a direct affront, or insult, to you. Listen carefully to what he is not saying, "My family is more important than you." Think on this a long time, and BELIEVE IT! A good relationship should never be like this. He should stand up for you, defend you, love you, cherish you. Do you even want to be associated with such a wimpy wuss?
8. "No matter what he does bad my family is still cordial to him." What a wonderful, loving, patient family you have been blessed with! Praise God! But think again about what you've said: "he does bad." What 'bad' does he do? This is serious business! You are worth more than putting up with someone who does 'bad' things. 'BAD' equals 'ABUSE!' Never sugarcoat someone's bad behavior!
9. You and your boyfriend need to have a very serious discussion. Talk about what future you see for your relationship and what future he sees. Talk about how he could put a prompt end to his family's poor treatment of you (abuse!) if he chooses to. If he refuses to talk, seriously consider ending the relationship. Why waste your life on someone who doesn't treat you well? You are smarter than that, I pray!!
10. Please realize that at age 40, your boyfriend is unlikely to change. Also, it would probably be impossible for his family to change. That is the reality. Do you plan to be miserable for the rest of your life?
11. Please see this blog, Tuesday, September 26, 2013, for "Marrying the Family." I personally am acquainted with this mother-in-law and feel like she is one of the most horrible women I've ever met. But her son grew up and will not stand for abusive treatment for his wife and children. As a result, they rarely see his family.
12. We don't know your history but you sound like a nice, loving person. I would suggest that you talk with your minister or a counselor about this. God loves you and wants you to be happy. Don't waste your time with those who just don't really care about you!! God will ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH TO DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!
I have some advice for you, as well. First, are you happy in this relationship, or are you in it because it is convenient? I've known many women who stay in bad relationships because they are afraid of being alone, and not finding another man. Not only are you putting yourself down (I'm sure you are fabulous and fun to be with!) but you may be preventing yourself from finding someone who makes you very happy. Sure, a break-up is difficult, if it is necessary, but after you get through it, you will be better, stronger, and happier. And everyone is attracted to happy people. After my second divorce, I found that I liked time by myself, and was able to pursue things I didn't have time for before. And I became a much happier person. At that point, I had so many men asking me out to dinner, it was surprising. I will NEVER "settle" in a relationship ever again. It's just not worth it -- I deserve better, and I know God wants me to have better. If I were you, I would ask, "am I better off with him or without him?" And proceed accordingly, without fear. Good luck to you!! And remember, prayer works and God ROCKS.
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