Situation: Ellie was 8 1/2 months pregnant. She enjoyed sewing for her younger children but hardly ever for herself. She was getting so large around the middle, she felt she had to have something new for the final weeks, before the baby was born. She sewed herself a yellow cottony dress. The fabric had tiny blue flowers. There was a narrow ruffle at the neckline. In it, she looked very, very big, so she found a pattern for a long vest, to tone it down a bit. It was made of navy, linen-like fabric.
Now Ellie was pleased with the way she looked. She went into her living room where her husband, Jay, was watching TV. She modeled the new outfit. "Do you like it?" she asked. Jay looked and looked and was quiet. Finally, he told her, "You look like a fat, giant, purple grape."
Ellie was devastated. She should have known not to have asked his opinion. She just left the room and vowed to never ask his opinion on her appearance again.
Lessons learned: My mom and grandma told me repeatedly when I was growing up, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything." Then, my Bible taught, "Charity," do everything with Love. Yes, you can not lie. But, we have to tell the truth WITH LOVE. Sometimes this means 'deflecting' the raw truth. Might it not have been more charitable for Jay to say something like, "You did such a nice job sewing that. Those colors really look good on you."
Jay had a nasty habit of insulting Ellie and the children with the honest truth. He used honesty like a club and told them, "I'm telling you this for your own good." He seemed to have NO love in him at all.
Outcome: The marriage last only a few more years. In addition to the 'honest' cutting remarks, there were many verbal put-downs. When it came to the point of Jay's never being able to talk to one of the children without pushing them to tears, Ellie had enough. Ellie left Jay and wished she had been strong enough to do it earlier, before she and the children had so much to recover from.
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