Situation: Dot and Andy had dated throughout her last two years in high school. They had planned on marrying when Andy graduated from college two years later. Meanwhile, Dot and her family moved to another state. Due to the demands of college and work, Andy could only visit Dot one weekend every month. Dot started college in the new city, living at home with her mom, dad, brothers and sisters.
Dot's eyes were opened to a new life in college. She met Julius, a tall, good-looking guy from halfway across the country. They were in one class together, studied together, but Julius was engaged to his girlfriend from back home. Dot and Julius became good friends.
After one year, Andy brought Dot an engagement ring and just gave it to her. Dot thought it was a cowardly way of starting an engagement, so she asked Andy, "What does this mean?" She wanted a straightforward marriage proposal. Then he told her, "This means we're getting married." They decided on marrying as soon as Andy graduated from college and got a job.
That summer, Dot got a job as a clerk in a very large corporation. This allowed her to work with and meet many new men and women. This was a different, non-school environment. Dot decided to leave her engagement ring at home when she went to work.
Dot had never looked as pretty as she did that summer and she knew it. Many men asked her to go out. Frank, an older guy, was the best-looking guy she had ever seen. Her office-mates told her he was married. Frank wouldn't leave Dot alone, asked her out several times a day. It was hard, very hard to resist him, but Dot was a good Christian woman who had vowed to never commit adultery. The only time she actually went out with a man was to lunch with a very much older gentleman (unmarried) who told her, "I have MS. I haven't dated in so long, I don't know how to act. You would be doing me a favor if you went to lunch with me." They had a nice time.
Dot never thought about Andy in the same way again. She wanted to see more of the world, date other men. Dot wrote Andy, "I want to date other guys. Don't come to see me the next time you were planning, in two weeks."
Andy never answered her letter. In two weeks he came to visit, as usual, as if nothing had ever happened. Dot was flattered that he loved her so much he still wanted to marry her.
Outcome: Dot got back into the next year of college and also into planning the wedding. Her mom and dad helped tremendously. The wedding was lovely. The marriage was a disaster from Day One. Dot thought Andy was a good Christian gentleman. Just going to church every week does NOT make you a good person. Andy's ignoring her turned out to be the pattern of their marriage. He was TOTALLY in control and abusive. After years of marriage, several children and much counseling, Dot left Andy. They divorced.
Lessons learned: If either one of a couple seriously desires to date others, their connection is not very strong. End the relationship, graciously. The hurt one person experiences from a broken dating or engagement relationship does not compare to the agony living through a bad marriage, a tragic divorce, then rebuilding lives.
What should Dot have done to avoid all the pain? When she had her doubts, she should have talked to someone - her parents, a counselor at school, her pastor. She should have insisted Andy realize what was going on between them. Never 'settle' for a marriage you have doubts about.
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