Unexpected Reversal of Ideals

Situation: Patricia had definite ideas of what her life would look like when she was a young woman.  She had gone to a private high school, a costly "finishing school."  Teachers were strict, and the dates with young men were scrutinized.  No bums allowed! It was expected that the girls would be wives of executives.

Patricia had traveled many places with her parents, spoke a second language, and wanted the same for her future children.  Her husband would have to agree to living in a foreign country, at least for several years.  She wanted her children to have the advantage of knowing different cultures.

Patricia also expected her husband would be ambitious, striving to be the best, wanting to be the boss.  That would give the family financial freedom.

Vincent fit her expectations, or so she thought.  After a lengthy engagement of several years, they married.  After several years, Patricia realized Vincent was just not capable of being the ambitious man she thought he was, and that he pretended to be.  He flat out refused any possibility of ever living in a foreign country even though his company had positions in many foreign cities.  It was hard, but Patricia changed her expectations.  She still loved him but knew he would never advance beyond his entry-level position.  But, working together, they lived within his income. Perhaps she could expose her children to people speaking another language in her own town.

Lessons learned:  1) In order to know what your expectations of 'Life' are, you need to have experienced enough of it to be able to make choices.  2) If you hope to spend the rest of your life with someone, you certainly need to share your expectations and find out what theirs are.  How do they mesh?  What could you live without if things changed?

Maybe you are ambitious, maybe you're not.  There is no 'right' or 'wrong' here.  My grandmother, with her 6th-grade education, was extremely ambitious for her day.  One time my dad said, "If she had had education, she could have been President!"  My grandfather (2nd-grade education) had not a single cell of ambition in him.  Grandmother was NOT happy.  However, they managed to stay married 59 years.

Outcome:  In time, Patricia and Vincent's marriage resulted in a divorce. He lied about many things and destroyed all trust she held for him.  He also was abusive.  She related, "I decided I could live in a loveless marriage indefinitely.  But when the abuse was directed toward the children, I couldn't tolerate that.  We're all better off.