Situation: Dwayne seemed to be the perfect gentleman on their dates. Glenda appreciated that he didn't try to 'hit on' her the way lots of guys did. They decided together where they would go and had a great time. Although they never formally talked about it, Glenda wanted an 'equal' marriage in which they would work together, respect each other, have fun together. They married and had problems the first day. Dwayne expected Glenda to be the 'perfect' wife. He thought she should meet all his needs and 'serve' him; her needs did not even count. He not only knew what was good for himself, he knew what was good for Glenda and, of course, for the whole world. Glenda couldn't figure out what went wrong. She spent years trying to figure out what she could do to change Dwayne into the perfect man she had dated.
Lessons learned: No one is perfect!! Dwayne turned out to be an old-fashioned abuser! He ridiculed Glenda, he threatened her, he called her names, he put her down to where she was, at one time, severely depressed. The only clue to his behavior before they were married was that he was somewhat arrogant at times, superior. He was slightly nervous, judgmental, and kept track of every penny he had ever earned. In short, Dwayne thought he was perfect and expected Glenda to also be perfect, his definition of 'perfect.' They were both living in FantasyLand!
1. You can never, never change another person! The only person you can change is yourself.
2. If you ignore a characteristic of someone that just doesn't seem right, talk to someone else about it. Your gut feeling is probably right.
3. Please, please, stay as close to reality as you can, especially when you're trying to decide whether or not to marry someone.
Outcome: Glenda came to a point where she realized that even though Dwayne never hit her, his constant put-downs and threats were abuse. She realized that she could not change him. Then she realized that he would never change. Glenda divorced Dwayne. He is still living in FantasyLand that someday she will want to get back together with him. If she met a really nice man, Glenda would marry again. She has healed!
I think that you hit it right on with "perfect." Anyone who thinks that they are perfect, and they know what it would take for you to be perfect, is completely delusional! There is NO such thing as perfect, and someone who can't treat you right because you're not, needs a one-way ticket out of your life!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great story. Reminds me of someone I know...very strong woman. I hope she does find a nice man, and settles down into a slow, comfy retirement!