Children: To Have or Not To Have?

Background:  Babies, Children, Offspring - whatever you'd like to call them - have been a natural part of marriage since our first ancestors mated.  Now, in the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, we have the 'option' of deciding 'if' we want to have children and 'when' we would like to have them.  Some would like to choose which sex they would like to have (as in abortions because the child is a girl, in the country of China, a practice for many years) - but we won't go there today.

The attitude of much of American mass media seems to be that "Children are burdens."  To me, a burden implies 'something oppressive,' the dictionary definition.  Children are a challenge, a wonder, and a joy.  Have you ever heard an old person say, "I wish I never had a child (children)?"  No!  I've heard plenty say, "I wish we could have had children,"  or, "I wish I could have had more children."  People that think children are burdens have no imagination!

Situation #1:  Michelle and Trevor fully discussed how many children they hoped to have before they got married.  Michelle was very healthy and had relatively easy deliveries, compared to her friends.  She wanted a large family and so did Trevor.

Michelle totally enjoyed the children.  Life seemed like a big, busy party to her.  Trevor helped out with the housework but mostly distanced himself from the children.  One time he told Michelle, "I wish we had only two children (the number in his family of origin)."  Michelle then asked him, "Which ones?"  He never had an answer for that.

Situation #2:  Mary Kay and Matt also talked about children before marriage.  They agreed that both wanted to complete their education and get settled into a nice house before having children.

When Matt had his Master's Degree and Mary Kay was working on hers, Mary Kay had a surprise pregnancy.  She was delighted!  She could complete the degree at another time.  Matt was infuriated!  He screamed that he had never wanted children.  When the baby was born, he would not touch the child.  He never helped with child care.

Lessons learned:  Children are a precious, very important part of a family.  Of course, couples need to agree about this before marriage.  How low and dishonest it is to lie about this!  The only way I can think of to evaluate a potential 'mother' or 'father' of your future children is to carefully check out the family of origin.  How well do they interact together?  Are the relationships loving?

Outcome of #1:  Trevor turned out to be an extremely abusive man.  Michelle put up with it for years, thinking, "He's only bad to me.  I can take it."  Michelle found she had her limits when he started also abusing the children.  They divorced then he took a small interest in his children, several days a week. 

Outcome of #2:  Matt turned out to be extremely selfish and abusive.  They also divorced.  He also took an interest in raising his child, every other weekend.