Background: On the Behavioral Medicine Unit in the hospital where I worked as a nurse, the great majority of our adult patients were suffering from severe depression. Time and time again, as we proceeded through the 'talk therapy', or counseling, many of the patients mentioned some version of "My mother refuses to spend time with me," or "I haven't seen my father in XX years. He just isn't interested," or "My mother put me down all my growing-up years and still continues to do so. What can I do?" Frequently, a patient just could not see through the pain.
Situation: Bernadette was 37 years old, hospitalized for a drug overdose, a suicide attempt. Because of the drug detox, it took longer than usual to be able to stabilize Bernadette on anti-depressant medication. Getting to the source of Bernadette's primary problem was difficult because she was a woman of few words. One day she opened up and talked about her family. "My mother thought she was a social butterfly. We always had to have the latest in whatever - car, clothes, house decorations, everything. We were the first to get a riding lawnmower, - you name it - in our neighborhood. Mother was always going out with her friends or cleaning or ironing. We had a lot of babysitters. Mother would hire a babysitter so she could iron all afternoon. We always looked beautiful when she took us somewhere or when we went to school. Now that I'm grown, I'd like to get to know my mother but, no, she's always gone. She's either with her friends or shopping."
With a 37-year-old woman, you would think she would realize that 1) her mother never was emotionally available to her, and 2) the likelihood her mother ever would be available to her was practically non-existant. This is what was causing her depression. Bernadette reported feeling very, very sad for as long as she remembered. This is why psychological counseling is important and useful.
So then, what's a person do when he or she realizes, "my mother (or father) does not love me. My mother (or father) never loved me." They have to consider, "My mother (or father) is NOT CAPABLE of LOVE!" This is the key to healing! Your mother (or father) could not and can not give what they are incapable of giving.''
Now what? Every one of us deserves to be loved by both of our parents. If a person doesn't have love from a parent, he or she will have to 1) seek love from others, and 2) love themselves! You MUST feel that you are a unique, valuable individual, created by God, and loved by God.
Some parents do love their children but seem unable to communicate that love. This was my situation. I never felt my parents loved me until I was in my mid-twenties. Mom always had her own problem with depression and dad was in the military and gone most of the time. When I had children of my own, my mother and dad had resolved their differences and mom and I talked about child-care. We also got interested in sewing and crafts together. Even though I always lived in distant cities after I married, I felt much love from them when we visited, or in letters or phone conversations. This may be your situation. Or maybe you're fortunate in that your parents were very loving and capable of expressing it to you. Praise the Lord!
Outcome: Bernadette thought about the new information for several days and, I feel, had advanced considerably in her quest to heal and experience happiness. This was always wonderful for the entire staff when our work helped someone feel better!
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