Background: Definition of 'Cheat,' dictionary definition: to deprive of something through fraud or deceit. . .to violate rules dishonestly. Why have I blogged about this more than any other relationship problem? I see so much of it going on around me and see the 'fallout' in broken marriages. Basically, cheating is dating between persons, one or both of whom are married to someone else. This involves a sexual relationship. It's called "adultery."
For a cheating relationship to begin and continue, both persons have to agree. Let's face it, probably every married person, at one time or many times, will have an opportunity to cheat on his or her spouse. This opportunity is called temptation. However, if two persons are considering a cheating relationship, it only takes one of them to say, 'NO!' and the cheating will not occur.
It is in the nature of marriage that, after the ecstasy of the honeymoon has worn off, and your spouse, after all, is an ordinary human being with dirty socks, some quirky habit that grates on your nerves, etc., perhaps someone else looks better. You see the new person always well-groomed, rested, and in a good mood. Consider: If someone looks really good to you, the new person doesn't have to pay bills with you or even put up with your bad moods. How would they look then?
Marriage involve promises, 'vows.' To violate these vows is a terrible breach of your lifelong promise to your spouse. Why not promise yourself to never break your vows. If your marriage is on the way to divorce, much better to feel that you have done everything possible to save it than to have it on your conscience that it was you that destroyed it. Never, never date while you're still married. If you're single, never date a married person. Don't forget: if that person cheats on his or her spouse, he or she will likely cheat on you!
'Cheating' involves deception. The cheater has to lie to the other spouse about where he or she is going. Having gone to an all-girls' Catholic school, I was really naive about this. At one of my first office jobs, an older, married co-worker left work with a man. I assumed it was her husband. Soon I received a phone call from a man asking for her. I answered, "She's not here. She's gone home with her husband." The next day she told me, "The man I left with wasn't my husband. He's my boyfriend. But it's OK. You didn't know." I really didn't want to be involved in this. As I only worked there for a few months, I don't know what happened after that.
Situation: Justine and Evan had worked together very well for several years. They both had spouses and both had children. Something changed. Evan started confiding in Justine about the problems he and his wife were having. Justine felt sorry for Evan; she liked him very much. Then Evan started flirting with Justine. She had never told him but her marriage was a disaster, she was just hanging on, for the sake of the children. Justine realized she was intensely attracted to Evan.
Then Evan asked her to go out to dinner with him, in a "quiet, out-of-the-way place." Justine very much wanted to do this. She realized that she not only was attracted to Evan, she was 'in love' with him and knew he was in love with her. Justine also realized the true gravity of the situation. She had vowed years ago she would honor her marriage promises. She firmly told Evan, "No! I don't want to do that." Justine also knew that she didn't want to hurt Evan in any way and that cheating would ultimately hurt him.
There was no mistaking that their love was real but it took a different course. They still worked together, still were very good friends but developed an unshakeable respect for each other. Evan never again asked her to go out with him.
Lessons learned: You will regret cheating!! You will not regret staying faithful! It may be hard, but we must say, "NO!" to anything that will hurt another person, or in the case of marriages and children, many persons.
Outcome: After several years, Evan had a better job opportunity and moved on. Although she knew she would hardly ever see him anymore, Justine wished him well. Justine had met Evan's wife and children at different times and felt very good that she was not the cause of their eventual breakup.
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