Cut-Off Behavior

Situation:  Stephanie, an elderly widow, is the undisputed matriarch of the family.  In her children's growing-up years, she not only told them what to do and how to do it, she bullied her husband, too.  No one dared cross her!  Now that the children are adults, they listen respectfully, then go do what they think is best.  Stephanie is not happy.  How can she get the family to see how wise she has always been and that they need to do what she says?

Now that she's a Senior Citizen, there's only one thing she can hold over their heads since her bullying is no longer effective: receiving part of her last Will and Testament!  Stephanie's son, Ralph, ended up in the hospital for surgery.  It will take a minimum of six weeks for him to recover.  Stephanie told Ralph's son, Jeff, "Your father needs you. Quit your job and run the business for him."

Jeff weighs his grandmother's dictate: he is quite happy in his job, it pays decently, and his wife would be furious if he lost the job.  How else could he support the family?  He is sorry he can't help out his dad in this way but perhaps grandmother could find someone else that knows the business. Jeff tells his grandmother, "No, sorry, I can't quit my job.  I'm sure you can find someone else."  Grandmother screams at him, "How can you do this when your dad needs you!  I'm cutting you out of my will, Jeff!  And I never want to see you again!"

Lessons learned:  Although one adult can scream and attempt to bully other adults in doing what he or she wants, all adults have to make their own decisions.  It take GUTS to oppose someone who is unreasonable, especially if they are 'family.'  Let's vow to never be bullied!  (It goes without saying that we don't want to be the mean, nasty, bully!)

Outcome:  Grandmother found another man who was quite willing and able to take over Ralph's business for the short time during his recovery.  Grandmother never spoke to Jeff again, nor did Jeff care to speak to her.  Jeff was not in his Grandmother's Will, nor were any of her other grandchildren.  After Grandmother died, Ralph and his siblings sold Grandmother's house, each took several pieces of their favorite furniture of hers, told the grandchildren to take what they wanted of her personal possessions, then gave the rest to charity.  Everyone prays for the repose of Grandmother's soul!

This behavior, "If you don't do -----------, then I'll do ----------" is called "Cut-Off Behavior."  That's just a fancy name for bullying.  Sometimes behavior is passed down for many generations without anyone recognizing it.  Perhaps grandmother's mother also engaged in these antics.  We need to think if there are any dysfunctional patterns of behavior in our families of origin that we will NOT pass down to our children and spare them the suffering. . .