Background: "Work Ethic" fits into the category of "Baggage," attitudes left from childhood, because sometimes it gets in the way of a good relationship. Most of us undoubtedly learn how much to work, how hard to work, and when to cut back from work, from our family of origin.
Americans, in general, are known for a good work ethic, perhaps too good of a work ethic. Compared to other nations, most of us work too many hours a week and take fewer vacation days. Some of us seem to work every waking moment.
Situation: Dawn and Anthony were engaged. They were both college students and would marry immediately following graduation. They both worked nearly every minute both to do well in their studies and at paying jobs to finance their education.
After marriage, they moved to a distant city for Anthony's job. Dawn stayed home and learned to cook. When Anthony came home from work, he brought homework with him because he was in training. Dawn knew this wouldn't last forever, so she found books she wanted to read.
Training was over, the couple moved to another distant city. Meanwhile Dawn became pregnant. They were both thrilled! Life settled down, they formed friendships with other couples. They moved one more time, to another distant city before the baby was born.
With the birth of the child, life changed considerably. Anthony really didn't want to care for the baby at any time. He said, "What if I drop the baby?" Dawn found out that prior to his own child, Anthony had never held a baby and had no idea of the care they required. Soon, Anthony spent every waking moment he wasn't working taking care of the yard. Dawn was amazed at the many projects he created, planting new bushes, trees, bulbs, weeding, etc. Sometimes Anthony would be outside when it was still dark. When he finally came in the house, he had to watch TV for several hours to 'unwind.'
Anthony worked outside well into the winter until the ground was frozen. Then he sat in front of the TV all evening till past midnight.
As the years went on, several more children were born but Dawn came to realize that the children only had one parent. When one of the children would come where Anthony was working, he just continued on without much talking. When Anthony was watching TV and someone walked in front of him, he got extremely angry. Dawn felt sorry for the children. She didn't care whether or not the yard was perfect. Couldn't he come in and help with the nightly baths or help put them to bed, just once?
Lessons learned: Since Anthony's training was, in essence, a continuation of the heavy studying and homework he did while in college, it probably would have been better if the couple had waited to marry until the training was over. Anthony's working outside for most of the year was not only a matter of not knowing when to stop working, it could have been an excuse to avoid interacting with the family. Two people contemplating marriage would do well to 1) wait till they are both free of study obligations and can focus on each other, 2) wait till they date for several months when they're both settled in jobs to find out if the other person can ever relax, and 3) seriously discuss expectations concerning children and their care. Better to know how a person stands before a commitment rather than risk a breakup of a marriage and family.
Outcome: Anthony's overwork never ceased nor did his anger at being interrupted. His outbursts were abusive put-downs which always ended in one or more of the children crying. Dawn felt the situation was intolerable and left the marriage. Everyone, including Anthony, was happier. He was relieved of the responsibility he never wanted and they were relieved of his terrible outbursts.
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